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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is this rude? How to get out of these situations and say NO?

75 replies

Thisreallysucksass · 07/09/2014 11:24

my DP had arranged for his friend to come over to us yesterday for some food and watch some football. They support the same team and this happends about once a month. I stay and chat with them but When the games on I generally find something else to do have a bath meet up with a friend for a hr ECT.

So plans were made the friend was coming round I cooked a small roast non of us eat much so I do a small joint plus made individual pudding for us each. And I had planned to meet at the local bar with a friend while the game was on.

Half hour before friend is due to arrive we get a call, would it be ok for my gf and her 3 kids to come round? (Didn't know he had a gf) My DPs face dropped and agreed. As soon as he put the phone down I said Its not possible as there is no way enough food/drink also I'm going out. So he rang the friend back and said it's not really possible to accommodate more people as foods ready. He said it was fine whatever I had prepared would be fine. DP said look let's just leave it today as your busy and rearrange another time. He said its fine don't worry we are on our way.

Myself and DP were not happy with 4 extra people being dropped on us at the last minute but he's a good friend and there was really nothing we could say to get out of it.

So they arrived, there seemed to be a misunderstanding with his gf (like he had said we had invited them) as she came in and said wow that smells nice what we having. So I had to make a dinner for 3 stretch to 7. We had piss poor portions and the gf and her kids moaned about it. She moaned she didn't drink lager and wanted wine but didn't think to bring a bottle.
The whole night was beyond awkward, they tried to watch the game but ended up putting it on record as the gf didn't get the whole quiet vibe and just wanted to talk about herself.

I invited her to the bar but she said no she didn't bring any money so I ended up canceling my plans.

The kids were unhappy as they wanted to play in my daughters room. I said I would go up with them to select some toys to bring down but I wasn't happy for them to play in her room when she wasn't here. But that wasn't good enough.

So WIBU? How do you lot get out of these situations, where you just can't say no?

Maybe my DP should of pushed harder and put his foot down and said no, but I'm really mad at the friend for putting us in that position and think he was really cheeky.

The GF has already tried to befriend us on fb and she said as she was leaving we should do this again. But we don't want too. She was really overbearing and just not my cup of tea.

OP posts:

Preciousbane · 07/09/2014 12:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lj8893 · 07/09/2014 12:39

Cheeky fuckers!!

if i were you i wouldn't have cancelled my plans but other than that i don't think there was much else you could have done in that situation.

Original poster

Thisreallysucksass · 07/09/2014 12:39

My daughter was at PIL for the night,

We have got a shop nearby but the prices are extortionate there triple the prices of the supermarket. I do a online shop the day before I'm running low. I had been in contact with the friend in the week to arrange menu / drink situation. I wasn't prepared to rush out last minute and buy extra food. I do have a weekly food budget and I had already gone over this week by £30. The friend went past 3 large supermarkets on the way here and tbh I don't see why he couldn't have got them something.

I do normally make quite big meals but I had said in the week I'm just going to get a small joint as we are all trying to loose a bit of weight i never fry food and whatever I make I will find healthy alternatives.

The GF moaned my portions were small and she and 2 of the children moaned about my roast potatoes saying that's not how she made them. I tend to use new potatoes and I leave the skins on and put them in the air fryer without oil so the skins come out all crispy. Ok there different and not to everyone's taste but no one has ever made a negative comment before.

I ended up changing my plans as the GF didn't have any money and I thought well I am not paying. The bar we go to is local it's a trendy wine bar but it's pretty expensive if you have anything other than the lager on draught and really why should I pay? I only had a few pounds in my purse enough for a pint and a half and thought if she comes it would be embossing for me not having enough cash and if her dcs come it's going to cost a fortune as the fizzy pop is imported and costs about £2+ for a tiny bottle.

I just didn't want to put these people on my DP as it wasn't his fault yes it's his friend but he's both our friend now. I just thought how rude it will look if I just walk out.

Now I've never met this woman but I have heard about her as she is his ex from many many years ago. And from what I've heard she is very clingy.

Someone suggested messaging the gf but I don't feel comfortable doing that but I might give the friend a call and fid out what the hell happened and say that last night was a one off and I don't want to be put in that position again.

OP posts:

Alisvolatpropiis · 07/09/2014 12:40

Chalk it up to experience. Your dp just needs to be firmer next time.

Sounds a bit like a distant friend of DH's actually (I've met him twice and the gf once). She's very overbearing and has three children (very small ones). They've bought a house together. Been together about 5 whole minutes.

Alisvolatpropiis · 07/09/2014 12:42

Also, you were not unreasonable to not get wine/provide more food. They weren't meant to be at your house at all!

Laquitar · 07/09/2014 12:50

Some of my family are like this, very overbearing, but at least they are generous and they would come with wine and snacks

Next time tell them to watch the football at the pub.

Coughle · 07/09/2014 12:54

You had plans! It wouldn't have been rude if you'd gone ahead with your plans.

Yes, it may have looked rude to the gf, but who cares what rude people think is rude? You blew off the people you were meeting for the sake ofa rude woman you'll probably never see again.

hackmum · 07/09/2014 12:55

It's exceptionally rude to have dinner at someone's house and complain about the food. It's even ruder to complain about the food when you weren't even invited in the first place!

Bouttimeforwine · 07/09/2014 12:58

Why on earth did you cancel your plans? I'd have been waving bye and saying nice to have met you.

Just the fact that you did cancel them, shows that you are a soft touch and need to harden up. They were rude so its fine to be blunt back. They didn't take hints last time so you need to spell it out. Don't feel guilty for being rude. You need to be to get the message across. You can say it politely but assertively.

Nanny0gg · 07/09/2014 12:59

You had plans! It wouldn't have been rude if you'd gone ahead with your plans.

There would have been no way in hell I would have left that woman in my house without me there!

Can you imagine the state of DD's bedroom afterwards as they clearly have no boundaries?

The OP's evening was ruined but I don't think she could have handled it any other way.

Yes to contacting your DP's 'friend'.

Bouttimeforwine · 07/09/2014 13:02

Good point Nanny

Thumbwitch · 07/09/2014 13:03

I think it might be an idea for either you or your DP to talk to the friend, yes, and be very firm that last night was a one-off, it was embarrassing to be in the position he put you in and you will not accept a repeat performance.
I'd actually get DP to do it (if he will) as they've been friends longer, but if he's happy for you to do it then go ahead.

clam · 07/09/2014 13:04

The danger period is going to be the next time the friend is due round to watch football. You're going to need to make it very clear that only he is to come, not all of them.

whois · 07/09/2014 13:09

Why on earth did you not nip to the shops and get bread and potatoes or pizzas for the kids? I think you made a mountain out of a molehill to be honest

Because they weren't invited, the OP had plans out of the house and, well, she's not their cook and bottle washer!

Evabeaversprotege · 07/09/2014 13:12

Do you think your friend told gf they had been invited for lunch?

How rude.

I would have been torn between keeping my plans & leaving them in my house!

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 07/09/2014 13:14

If anyone has been rude it's the friend. He was told that an unexpected four extra people for dinner was not convenient and he ignored it and brought them anyway. Having a complete stranger complain about the quality and quantity of the meal is just the icing on the cake.

This is one friend who would not be invited back. If the OP's OH is determined to have his footie night there will be no catering in the future. They can sort themselves out or do without.

Alisvolatpropiis · 07/09/2014 13:14

Tryharder are you for real?

KatieKaye · 07/09/2014 13:25

Wow. It sounds like you were totally steam-rollered there. Well done for managing so well but sorry you had to cancel your plans.
Clearly the GF has no boundaries or consideration for other people, because nobody in their right mind imposes 4 extra people with 30 minutes notice, especially where a meal is involved. At the very least they could have got McDonalds for the kids and a couple of bottles of wine for you.
Obviously you are under no obligation to go out and get extra provisions for rude people who impose themselves upon you like this. Talk about unwelcome guests.
As said above - from now on DP meets his mat in the pub to avoid repetition. I'd keep my distance from GF, as she sounds horribly rude.

ilovesooty · 07/09/2014 13:35

And from what I've heard she is very clingy

The person who needs to harden upis the friend, who should have told this woman he had plans that didn't involve her. He was incredibly rude to bring her at all.

I think you need to make it clear that you were upset and angered by this and if he wants to remain welcome at your house this must never happen again.

waithorse · 07/09/2014 13:38

Very very rude. I couldn't cope with that rudeness.

YoniMitchell · 07/09/2014 13:43

Agree with MrsPiggie, I would have apologised and pointed out the lack of food 'as we were only expecting DF', which is true and perfectly polite given the situation.

I would also have gone out, again explaining that as only DF was expected for 'their usual boys' footy night' you had other plans with a friend, so 'sorry to miss you, let's make proper plans for a night soon'.

I think you behaved admirably though, and I do my roast spuds like that too, they're delish!

Original poster

Thisreallysucksass · 07/09/2014 13:50

Update:

I didn't get round to calling the friend as he rang me (well DP, he left his phone on charge in the bedroom. The friend rang and I answered it)
He wanted to apologize for last night.

Apperntly he had been seeing the woman (his ex of many moons ago) for about 4 months. But he is embarrassed by her so he hasn't told anyone.
He told her in advance that he was going to spend the afternoon with her then he had to get off. She pressed him for the details.
She went a bit nuts at him that she was never invited out with his friends and has never met any of his friends.

He explained that when he called DP he had popped outside the gf front door and was going to explain to DP that he had a gf and his gf wanted to meet us and not to worry about the plans and we should reschedule for another day. But the gf came out her house and stood by him just as he made the call. So he had to ask DP if she could come round.

He said he hadn't told us about the gf as he is only seeing her as he has been single for many many years and he is so desperately lonely he's taken back up with this woman again. Knowing that she is so clingy he was embarrassed, she was very ott and everytime last night his phone went off would press him for who it was what they wanted ECT. At one point he was over the other side of the room and a SMS came through she grabbed his phone and read the message then read it out loud.

I have told him that last night was just awkward and that I didn't want to be out in that position again.

Its sad really as he has said many times how he needs a woman in his life. He's so lovely (quite bad with money so quite often comes empty handed but when he has money he is very generous and good to us) but he's not a looker and it seems if women give him the chance he could end up with someone lovely. But it seems women can't see past his looks.

He said he tried to apologize last night but everytime he moved to another room she was right beside him.

I do feel slightly bad now, I explained that I was put out not so much by the gf but having other people dc round. I am a mother but I really struggle with other peoples especialy if I don't know them. Due to past experiences with very badly behaved children in our home. I have said that next time her dcs go to there dad's I will give her the benefit Of the doubt and have her over and try again if he is serious about this woman.

OP posts:

clam · 07/09/2014 13:57

Oh dear! Don't know where to start with all that!
He has a problem there, for sure!

ilovesooty · 07/09/2014 14:07

She sounds awful. I wouldn't have her back however fond of the friend you are ,He needs to be encouraged to develop some self esteem and to get shot of her.

Aeroflotgirl · 07/09/2014 14:09

Gosh she sounds like a nightmare. Hopefully this will not happen again, at least he knows now. If it does happen, just reschedule or change venue to somewhere outside.

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