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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

about how the school handled reception's first day?

97 replies

QueenofKelsingra · 03/09/2014 12:23

DS started reception today. We had a home visit over the summer with his teacher who explained that we would be welcome to bring them in on the first day, find their peg with them, see them settled for a few minutes and then leave.

We then hear nothing from the school - no letter or anything to let us know the timings/requirements for the first day (I've had to phone the office to get the actually school day times as not on the website or anything).

Get to school this morning, walk up to the door and the headmistress is there. DS is 2 steps ahead of me and walks through and then the head stops me and says 'no parents coming in' and sticks her arm across the door and ushers me around away from the door. DS is already a few steps down corridor and then gone.

I am really really pissed off as it meant I didn't get to say goodbye on his first day!! he was already down the hall being ushered by the TA so didn't hear me call to him.

To be clear, I didn't expect him to have an issue, he was very much looking forward to it and so was I. if they had told us in the first place we had to drop at the door I would have said goodbye before we got to the door.

AIBU to be really annoyed (and a bit upset) that because they changed the rules without telling us I didn't get to say goodbye, give a hug and a kiss to DS on his first day?
I don't really think he will have had an issue however we ALWAYS say goodbye before I leave him somewhere and IF he had turned around and seen I had just vanished without saying goodbye he could have been upset and it would have been needless. I feel I should say something about the way this has been handled.

Just to emphasise I have no issue with a 'drop at door' policy, i never planned to do more that find his peg and send him on in with a hug and a kiss, my issue is they changed it and gave me no option to say goodbye to my child.

OP posts:
Original poster
QueenofKelsingra · 03/09/2014 18:45

he did have a good day (although cant tell me anything that he did Hmm ) but even knowing he wasn't upset by it, I still feel it was out of order and badly organised. there were 3 year groups (R, 1 and 2) all using one door so it was chaos anyway. could have been handled a lot better IMO.

OP posts:
Original poster
QueenofKelsingra · 03/09/2014 18:50

just found the 'starting school' booklet we were given at the parents evening thing in the summer:

"you are very welcome to come into the classroom with your child to help find their coat peg, drawer etc and see that he/she is happy and settled. there will be lots of activities when they arrive, so please join in for a short while if you would like to do so"

I think I will ask to go in tomorrow to see where things are etc, make sure his pe kit etc made it onto his peg. I feel even more annoyed now it wasn't just verbal, it was actually printed out for us!!

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 03/09/2014 18:52

A Onesie I knew it Grin....hope you held a Costa cup in one hand and a bacon sandwich in the other....

Great he enjoyed it....my dd's reception staggered the start days so only 5 of them today.... far less daunting....

Although much like your ds she hasn't said much about what she's done....very funny like a 'secret society' one would think....

Only1scoop · 03/09/2014 18:58

Blimey ....I bet after reading that induction leaflet.... you thought you'd turned up at the wrong school.

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 03/09/2014 19:01

YANBU - simply because you were told one thing but a different thing was enforced with no notice.

Drop at the door is possibly better in some ways BUT parents prepared their children for being taken to their peg and into the classroom.

Two of my kids are quite adaptable and would have been fine, but one needs to k ow exactly what will happen, and would have been panicing if the agenda changed like that - in the circumstances you describe he would probably kick up ahuge fuss about ggoing the next day and cling onto the car door frame, refusing to get in in the morning (this has happened once when plans changed without notice).

Transitions are very hard for some children, and walking into school on the first day is a huge transition on several levels.

Changing the plan will be fine for most children, but for a few will set up quite big problems, panic and anxiety which need never have happened and will have repercussions into the next few days/ weeks. If it had happened to my DC2 I'd be hugely peed off, where I could have shrugged it off for my other kids.

Original poster
QueenofKelsingra · 03/09/2014 19:43

that's the reason I didn't kick up a fuss at the time, I was too shocked to register what was happening and DS had already disappeared from view! I just didn't see it coming at all!!

tomorrow I plan on going up all bright and breezy and just explain that DS wants to show me his peg as he was upset that I hadn't come in with him as I said I would. which is only a slight embellishment as he has asked several times if he can show me his peg tomorrow although technically not upset about today, he has asked why I didn't come in with him. if the evil head tries to stop me I will calmly explain that all the starting school infor said I was welcome to do this and therefore that is what I had prepared DS for.

one of his friends was really upset by the whole thing according to his mum - purely because it wasn't what we had told them was going to happen. to me it seems comparable to taking DH to the airport thinking I could go with him to the gate and then as he goes through security being told I cant go with him - he's gone, no chance to say goodbye. I would be upset and annoyed!

and even if the kids were only upset for a brief while - they need not have been upset at all!

OP posts:
SauvignonBlanche · 03/09/2014 19:48

Have the leaflet in your hand tomorrow.

Only1scoop · 03/09/2014 19:49

Turn up with pamphlet and say 'oh but it says....' If challenged....Smile

Only1scoop · 03/09/2014 19:50

Crossed post with sauv....it's a double good idea Smile

KEGirlOnFire · 03/09/2014 19:53

YADNBU At dd's school it was expected that the parents would take their dc into school every day in reception year. If/when the child decided that they didn't need their parents to take them in, we waved from the door. The reception teacher is very old school and loves children to be children so was always quite sad when parents didn't need to come into the classroom to drop off anymore.

Dd goes into year one now and it is a drop off at the door now and they are all more than ready for it.

FTRsGotAShinyNewNN · 03/09/2014 20:09

I think you were justified in feeling put out, my DS(5) likes to know 'the plan' of what's going to happen, it makes him feel secure. It would have really thrown him if he'd turned around and I was just gone!
At his school parents took them into reception every day right through until Easter and then they started to prepare them for year1 by lining up outside and the teacher/TA taking them in.
I'd go armed with the starting school booklet tomorrow and intend to go in with him.
Glad he had a good first day Smile

Original poster
QueenofKelsingra · 03/09/2014 20:17

thanks everyone - especially for reading the OP properly and understanding it was the change in plan, not the idea of drop at door that was the problem, I was half expecting a PFB flaming!!

I will go with the booklet with my biggest smile on my face and see how we get on. will update!

OP posts:
EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 03/09/2014 20:24

If this had happened to me I would have been upset not to be able to say a proper bye and give him a kiss. I think that's really off.

Julius02 · 03/09/2014 20:27

If your DS is happy and had a good first day at school just let it go and be glad that he is happy, confident and able to leave you with a smile.... Enjoy sharing his first few days at school with him rather than arming yourself for a battle.

CombineBananaFister · 03/09/2014 20:34

Am glad he had a good day. This would have pissed me off no end and would have upset my Ds if we'd already agreed a plan - I wonder how many other kids not as excited as your son flipped out because it was not what they were expecting, especially if they needed a bit of support.

Head was rude and clueless. I completely understand you don't want a load of flappy parents making it harder for the kids to settle but really? First day somewhere new and strange with different routines and no clue where stuff goes? Even as an adult in a new job I'd like a little orientation on the first day - we are so harsh on little ones. 'm all for encouraging independence but also security and well-being too. YANBU

OhTheDrama · 03/09/2014 21:27

That is awful, the poor kids being prepared for one thing to happen and then have it totally changed. That is big deal when you are 4. The HT sounds totally thoughtless and out of touch with needs of the children. My DC1 would have been fine with this but DC2 took until January to settle in the mornings, the school were brilliant and actively encouraged the parents to take time to settle their children instead of just dragging them in.

I would definitely go armed with the information booklet tomorrow. If she is still being obstructive then tell her that's fine but you will be taking the "misprint" in the booklet up with the school governors.

Mintyy · 03/09/2014 21:33

Yanbu. The OBVIOUS point is that the procedure was changed. Op didn't even get to say goodbye outside the gate! She would have been fine about the policy if she had been expecting it.

HouseAtreides · 03/09/2014 21:36

DD2 is 7 and she would have found this difficult (mild ASD). If she had gone happily in thinking I was right behind her then turned to find I'd been turned away, she would probably have had a quiet distressed cry to herself. And she is very sturdy of mind usually; she just doesn't like being told something is happening, then it being changed or not happening altogether.

Bogeyface · 03/09/2014 21:37

YANBU

If you tell people you have a policy then stick to it or at least have the decency to tell them it has changed!

At ours you go in, they mark themselves off on the register (a touch screen board thingy with their pictures on, they love it!) settle them at an activity and then leave. That stands for the whole reception year if necessary, although by week 2 most of the kids just run off to register and play and the parents are all left to hang up the coats and put the lunch boxes away :o

Its good though because when DS had his op he was off for a month and was a bit wobbly about going back. Me being able to stay for a few minutes, get him settled back in with his mates etc really helped.

Dump and run on the first day of school? Totally wrong, and I wouldnt like to be the TA that has to deal with all of the tears either!

Downamongtherednecks · 03/09/2014 22:04

YANBU. Schools take their tone from the head. If she is rude and dismissive of parents (how dare she stick her arm out to stop you from escorting your child in, and override the teacher, and written instructions?) then this will be how you will be treated at the school in general. Good luck tomorrow, with the leaflet-waving and if she has any sense she will back down and apologise for the "miscommunication".

littledrummergirl · 03/09/2014 22:20

In my opinion you need to let this go as your ds was happy. Things in schools dont always go to plan and whilst this often upsets parents the dc dont register it.

For what its worth, I am ten years down the line from ds1 first day at school and I can barely remember it.

You can choose to accept it for what it is and focus on the positives- he had a great day with no issues and is excited about school- or you can focus on the negative. Whichever choice you make will affect your relationship with the school and your ds education.

I would let it go and join the pta/ become a govenor where I could make some changes

CromerSutra · 03/09/2014 23:05

I think that is disgraceful op. I teach reception and that is like a model for bad practice IMHO. What an unfeeling, cold approach in addition to the lack of information you were given. The first few weeks are as much for me to build trust and a relationship with parents/Carers as they are for me to get to know the children. That is a completely inappropriate approach for children of that age.

CromerSutra · 03/09/2014 23:07

I'm glad your DS had a great day though, obviously!

crazylady321 · 03/09/2014 23:13

Aww thats a shame id be quite sad aswell. My twins started on Monday and I was allowed to go in the cloakroom and help them get sorted. On Tuesday I just put them in the class line in playground I noticed that today aswell they were discouraging parents from going in, could be as more children than on Monday and think a couple of kids were upset aswell which makes it harder if parents there, im glad mine started on Monday

Original poster
QueenofKelsingra · 04/09/2014 13:17

UPDATE:

So this morning no sign of the head, it was the deputy on the door. I caught the TA as she went in and asked if I could just go to his peg with him as he had asked why I didn't go in with him yesterday like I said I would. TA said that would be fine.

Get to the door and the deputy shoves her arm across the door and stops me. I explain that the TA has said it is fine and she still wont let me past! so I admit I pushed her arm aside and walked on in. TA and teacher fine with it. took him to his peg, he showed me and then was happy. deputy gave me evils as I left.

so I guess I have become 'that parent' in her eyes but I'm trying very hard not to care what she thinks (and hoping she forgets me!) as I know it was the right thing for DS. he was so happy that I came in.

I still want to write and say how unacceptable I found the whole thing but I think that would cement me as 'that parent' and I'm hoping that now I've been in with DS today I can hide near the back of the playground for a bit and it will be forgotten!

OP posts:
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