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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to allow DS (12) to sleep out in the woods without an adult?

79 replies

MoveAlongNow · 31/08/2014 22:11

I'm not am I?

DS built a 'den' in the woods today with a tarp covering it. Filled it with blankets and pillows and made a bed. I left him and his friend to it until 8.30 and then made them come in. He is furious and very upset not to have been allowed to sleep out in it.

This den is about a 10 minute walk from my house, up a steep hill, over boulders and slippy muddy bits. DS has asthma and keratoconus which has left him with very limited night vision. Just - no. Not gonna happen.

DP thinks I am being unreasonable and over protective, and that I should have left them as they would have come in if they got cold or scared. I don't even care if I am being ridiculous, I'm not prepared to sit with that much anxiety all night. But was ibu to be scared to leave him out? Is my anxiety unreasonable or normal? Would you have said yes?

DS is fuming/sulking/ trying his best to make me feel bad. I do feel bad. But not as bad as I would have if he was sleeping in the woods tonight!

OP posts:
Delphiniumsblue · 01/09/2014 07:21

Could DP camp with them if he is keen in the idea?
Other than that I would suggest joining the Scouts.

Delphiniumsblue · 01/09/2014 07:22

What about the friend- I bet he wouldn't have been allowed to do it.

Surfsup1 · 01/09/2014 07:26

For me it would totally depend on what the woods/area were like and how severe the Asthma was.
If I lived in a nice, not over-populated area and the asthma was under control then I would - I'm pretty free-range about these types of things. I'd probably just lend them a mobile phone and let them have an adventure.

As mentioned below, crime rates are actually down on what they were when most of us were kids, so I can never understand why kids today have so few freedoms by comparison.

SummerSazz · 01/09/2014 07:27

I don't understand why everyone is asking why the DP has to sleep with him, why can't OP?

claraschu · 01/09/2014 07:29

Sorry I didn't come back sooner. I was the one (sort-of) dissenting voice on the first page, with happy memories of wild camping as a small child.

When we were sleeping out, it was in the wilderness in the US, no people about, so no dodgy people about. It is still the same there, and I would let kids sleep out if there were a little group of them.

merrymouse · 01/09/2014 07:35

I don't understand why everyone is asking why the DP has to sleep with him, why can't OP?

Because the DP apparently enjoyed camping in the woods so much as a boy…

Delphiniumsblue · 01/09/2014 07:36

I asked about DP because he wanted them to do it! OP doesn't want them doing it and has expressed no desire to be cold and uncomfortable in the woods!

Surfsup1 · 01/09/2014 07:37

Summersazz I think it was just because her DP thought it was a good idea, therefore people are suggesting he should put his money where his mouth is?

Delphiniumsblue · 01/09/2014 07:40

Exactly- Surfsup.

Hakluyt · 01/09/2014 07:44

I would worry about asthma in the damp night air. ( don't know anything about asthma though) Apart from that, if they had good torches and the other boy's parents were OK with it, I would have let them.

Blu · 01/09/2014 07:45

Yup, in our family I would be the designated den sleeper!

It's the circumstances the OP. quoted, not Everyday Sexism.

Hakluyt · 01/09/2014 08:09

Me too, Blu.

My Dp has a very convenient bad back.

Though why this stops him dealing with cat sick and half eaten rats escapes me.......

SugarplumKate · 01/09/2014 08:21

Well DS (just 14) has just done this as part of a d of e expedition. No adults, no money, have to carry all equipment and cook for themselves for 2 days, no supervision. Perhaps he should join the scouts?

Original poster
MoveAlongNow · 01/09/2014 08:38

Ooh, have just seen all these replies!! tres excitment...

just for the record DP would have put up his bivvy bag (sp?) and camped the other side of their shelter but he had an early start at work today, a long drive, and a big meeting. A night on the ground would not have been a good start. I love camping but have no inclination to sleep in a grotty damp shelter... Dp will do it Friday.

cutteduppear that is very sad. I know the feeling as my ds's two current loves are playing survival in the woods and playing xbox. I know which one I am keen to encourage, but I also know which one he is more likely to gravitate towards. Especially come winter.

Surfsup1 I do agree with you re falling crime rates and resulting hysteria. I try not to be like that! For me it is more about being unwilling to spend a night on the edge of my seat with worry than it is fear over any specific thing, if that makes sense.

He would have had torches, a phone, blankets, books, food, etc. and probably would have happily munched and giggled until it all got a bit cold, scary or boring and then came back. That was dp's vision. But as pp's mentioned - could I have I have lived with all of the 'what if's'? No way.

The other likely scenario was that I would have broken my ankle running up and down the hill to check on them throughout the night. Sigh. When does it get easy???

Blu - we will definitely be looking into joing Scouts. Could be just the thing!

OP posts:
Original poster
MoveAlongNow · 01/09/2014 08:43

Oh and RevoltingPeasant:

"OP you DS IBU. When I slept out in the woods at that age, I pretended to go to a friend's house for a sleepover"

If he ever, ever tries that one!!!...

OP posts:
Surfsup1 · 01/09/2014 08:47

could I have I have lived with all of the 'what if's'? No way.

I DO understand how you're feeling, but I think we are handicapping a generation because we are so obsessed with "What Ifs".

seasavage · 01/09/2014 08:49

Slept out in Summer at age 12 many times (with brother and cousin). I think to update to current paranoia / disbelief about the capabilities of 12 year olds some willing adult supervision (perhaps in a separate tent so they at least get the illusion of freedom) after whenever they are usually allowed to stay out 'til.
But asthma shouldn't stop that, everyone should sleep in a shelter of their own making. It's great!

however · 01/09/2014 08:50

I would have allowed mine, with a friend.

Original poster
MoveAlongNow · 01/09/2014 09:01

I couldn't have allowed it. I just think anything that makes me so anxious shouldn't happen - it has to suit me as well. That sounds selfish! I'm willing to do let him things that make me a little bit uneasy (climbing, playing out without me knowing exact whereabouts, taking the bus into town) but there is a point where I just have to say 'your desire to have fun does not get to trump my need to keep you safe'

He is my only child and I do work at not molly-coddling. I just think that if something that makes ds really happy also makes me really unhappy, that in itself is enough reason not to do it.

Some of you have far cooler heads than me!

OP posts:
ChoosandChipsandSealingWax · 01/09/2014 09:34

Agreed ten minutes walk away and only two kids is too far and too few - not to mention the asthma - and it also very much depends on the area. i would let a gaggle of them sleep in a den in my parents' woods with phone, torch etc but it's very rural and no-one for miles - the likelihood of any dodgy gang/lurker being around is so remote as not to be a rational concern. Not sure from what age as my kids aren't there yet - it would probably be more a matter of how sensible I thought the kids were.

ChoosandChipsandSealingWax · 01/09/2014 09:40

could I have I have lived with all of the 'what if's'? No way.

I DO understand how you're feeling, but I think we are handicapping a generation because we are so obsessed with "What Ifs".

surfsup1 yes I agree. It's difficult as of course emotions are not rational, and fear is very primal. I do think though that in this instance the OP made the right call.

Dubjackeen · 01/09/2014 09:41

YANBU, and he will get to do it on Friday, he will get to experience it then, so it's all good!

Canidae · 01/09/2014 09:56

10 minutes away in the middle of the night can seem like a very long time. Especially if he has night vision problems and would be climbing boulders.

Letting them spend the day there and a promised camp out with his dad soon is the best plan.

Bunbaker · 01/09/2014 09:59

"I would have allowed mine, with a friend."

With a ten minute walk away, asthma and vision problems?

Have you actually read and understood the issues the OP has stated?

merrymouse · 01/09/2014 10:09

I think there is a big difference between letting a 12 year old sleep in the woods with an adult close by, gradually giving them more freedom, encouraging him/her to do scouts D of E etc; and just saying no.

Equally, I would give my children the same freedom to wander around Central London on their own that I had 30 years ago based on who they were with, how sensible I thought those particular friends were, where they were going, how much they had used public transport with me and how much they had proved to me on previous occasions that they had a reasonable chance of coping. I might apply different rules to different children.

I think usually that gut feeling that you don't think something is safe is rational based on your child and your circumstances.