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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not to allow DS (12) to sleep out in the woods without an adult?

79 replies

MoveAlongNow · 31/08/2014 22:11

I'm not am I?

DS built a 'den' in the woods today with a tarp covering it. Filled it with blankets and pillows and made a bed. I left him and his friend to it until 8.30 and then made them come in. He is furious and very upset not to have been allowed to sleep out in it.

This den is about a 10 minute walk from my house, up a steep hill, over boulders and slippy muddy bits. DS has asthma and keratoconus which has left him with very limited night vision. Just - no. Not gonna happen.

DP thinks I am being unreasonable and over protective, and that I should have left them as they would have come in if they got cold or scared. I don't even care if I am being ridiculous, I'm not prepared to sit with that much anxiety all night. But was ibu to be scared to leave him out? Is my anxiety unreasonable or normal? Would you have said yes?

DS is fuming/sulking/ trying his best to make me feel bad. I do feel bad. But not as bad as I would have if he was sleeping in the woods tonight!

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 31/08/2014 22:45

YANBU at all

And if your DP thinks you are, why didn't he offer to sleep there with them?

RevoltingPeasant · 31/08/2014 22:49

I'm not sure about things not being the same ; I think probably there is much more awareness of vulnerable children etc now than when I was a kid, and I'm mid 30s so not ancient.

OP you DS IBU. When I slept out in the woods at that age, I pretended to go to a friend's house for a sleepover

BoomBoomsCousin · 31/08/2014 23:33

Things aren't the same as when we were kids. Crime is right much lower now.

LynetteScavo · 31/08/2014 23:49

Yanbu . I wouldn't let my ds either, and he would react the same way.

Ds was invited to camp with other 11yo boys alone during the summer holiday. My 15yo was horrified and said NO WAY should I allow it. (I'd already decided not to let him for various reasons).

PenisesAreNotPink · 31/08/2014 23:56

Would you let him on a campsite?

I'm a bit torn. It's not radically different from a campsite - and it's also not radically different from bedding down in a local park.

With a couple of friends and a decent torch and a vision aid for whatever condition he's got I might have agreed.

Bunbaker · 01/09/2014 00:17

"It's not radically different from a campsite"

On a campsite the tent would be next door. The OP stated that the den was a 10 minute walk from her house. Plus her DS has health issues.

ChewyGiraffe · 01/09/2014 00:17

I only have one DD and she's still lickle (13 months) so maybe not the best opinion on what's reasonable for a 12 year old boy, but no way!

Good on him for building the den etc, but 8.30 seems a perfectly reasonable time to ask him back. Its not guaranteed to be an adventure out of an Enid Blyton novel - slim possibility but aside from any health issues, you just never know what random, freaky, dodgy people are about these days. Better his short lived sulking than you beating yourself up for the rest of your life if (god forbid) anything untoward happened.

It would be different if your DP had stayed out with them, but I'm guessing your son wouldn't have been keen on that idea either, so definitely YANBU.

bellybuttonfairy · 01/09/2014 00:36

I know I'm a very laid back parent but even for me there is absolutely no way a 12 year old of mine would be allowed to sleep 10 mins away in the woods. No chance at all.

caroldecker · 01/09/2014 00:41

I would have been happy to let him be. There is no more 'stranger danger' than in the past. At that age children are walking to and from school, going out to town, going to the park - no different really

PhaedraIsMyName · 01/09/2014 00:43

I am a pretty slack parent by some people's lights (let my DC off the leash very young by current standards)

Me too and I wouldn't allow this. Could have easily been resolved if your husband had volunteered to stay with them.

Billynomates71 · 01/09/2014 00:44

Absolutely no way! I have only just let my soon-to-be 15yo dd camp out with friends, hardly slept a wink and was very relieved when she rang at 6am to say she was cold and wanted to come home. Never would have let her 12! No no no!

PhaedraIsMyName · 01/09/2014 00:45

It's not so much stranger danger but getting cold and miserable and being spooked by noises in the night. And there were only 2 of them. I'd be happy to allow say 4 13/14 year olds.

LatteLoverLovesLattes · 01/09/2014 00:56

Gut reaction - you have got to be fucking joking

Having thought about it whilst reading the thread, I'm not sure. Maybe. Depending on the area, the boys themselves and whether I could go to them if they needed me (ie not if I was the only adult at home with other sleeping children).

Torches
Phones

No matches, gas etc

What is the biggest risk they face. Really? I think the thing that I would worry about the most would be a gang of older boys finding them and scaring them. Not 'dodgy old men'.

So I don't know - two lads if I thought they could handle that, maybe. But probably not.

PhaedraIsMyName · 01/09/2014 01:14

I grew up in the middle of nowhere in a house literally in the middle of a wood. My brother and his wife and their son still live there. It would be fine I think there as the wood is , literally, at their back door.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 01/09/2014 02:54

Who owns the woods? If I'd have tried to do that as a youngster I think the lights would have been reported and an irate farmer would have been out to chase us away!

SaggyAndLucy · 01/09/2014 03:26

"It's not radically different to bedding down in the local park"...
someone was stabbed to death in our local park recently...

SaggyAndLucy · 01/09/2014 03:28

there's a privately owned wood in our local village. The cubs and scouts all camp there. It is totally off limits to the public. I still wouldn't let my 12yo camp there without an adult.

MrsMook · 01/09/2014 04:13

Not at 12. At 15 I was doing the Duke of Edinburgh's award with light adult supervision.

The main risk is being spooked (or his health concerns) rather than anything more sinister.

Blu · 01/09/2014 05:14

DS, just 13, has spent this w/e sleeping in a home made shelter in woods, with the scouts, in a scout camp wood, and with scout leaders within calling distance.

I would let DS And a friend do this on one of the woodland campsites we go to . Within shouting distance, but not in a general wood a ten minute walk away over rough terrain.

10 min walk is quite a distance, and finding your way at night can be very disorientating , even without a vision impairment .

YANBU.

Very pleased for them that your DH. has offered for next weekend.

merrymouse · 01/09/2014 06:23

My gut reaction is no, but also, rationally, unless you regularly do this kind of camping in these woods with your 12 year old he won't have the experience to know whether this is something he would enjoy and you don't know how well he would cope or what the woods are like at night or how well he would cope getting back home in the dark.

If your DH enjoyed this kind of camping as a child, he is lucky to be able to do it with his son now.

CuttedUpPear · 01/09/2014 06:40

Your situation sounds exactly the same as one I had 5 years ago.
DS (then 12) had built a den up in the forest behind our house.
He was desperate to sleep out there (but wanted me to do it with him).
I put him off and put him off until it was winter and not possible.

The next year DS had lost interest in bushcraft and started playing computer games.

He never asked me again and it's one of the biggest regrets of my life that I didn't enable this dream to happen.

Now he is addicted to computer games, hardly leaves his room and is getting overweight.

I wish so much that I had encouraged him more back then.

merrymouse · 01/09/2014 06:51

Maybe remove access to the computer games? (Not being judgemental here, have one child who would play computer games all day).

merrymouse · 01/09/2014 06:54

www.amazon.co.uk/The-Winter-Our-Disconnect-Family/dp/184668465X

inspiration.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 01/09/2014 06:54

Speaking as a former boy, YANBU. The issue, setting aside the asthma and night vision, is there's only two of them. One gets wound up, they both get wound up. A group of 5 is the minimum as per long walks.

meltedmonterayjack · 01/09/2014 07:19

Just with the asthma alone I'd definitely say no. What if it flared up suddenly and he's in the middle of some woods with only another 12 year old.

Two kids on their own in a wood are too vulnerable.

If ds has poor night vision and they wanted to make a bolt for it for some reason, he'd have extra problems moving quickly and safely in the dark.

If they want to camp without parents then I'd suggest joining the scouts.

I am all for independence and increasing amounts of unsupervised time at ds's age, but this is a bonkers idea.

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