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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let DP use my car to get to work?

92 replies

unlucky83 · 31/08/2014 00:03

DP is a crap driver - lots of minor scrapes...and must have had 8 not major but biggish accidents in the last 15 years...4 involving other drivers.

He dented my new car (with DD1 in) on a roundabout when he was in the wrong lane ...(tbf he learned to drive on the other side of the road) so my dad gave us some money for him to have refresher lessons - he refused to do them. After that he can only drive my car in an emergency.
He never looks properly, has no patience, no concentration, doesn't think.

He once backed into a parked car -it was dark, late at night and the car park (private) was usually empty - he didn't even look, just reversed at speed...
He has hit one of those rising bollards - knew it was no entry but cba going round so he followed a bus.... He also got 3 pts on his licence for going up a one way the wrong way.
He's a named driver on my policy- puts my premium up (we each pay for our own cars) -but last time I checked it would cost more to take him off.

Also creates hassle for me - as English isn't his first language I used to make phone calls for him and help fill in his forms etc - not so much anymore...and he doesn't know anything about cars so always asks my opinion - I'm fed up (I have never had a bump or points on my licence)

Also his current car is my mum's old car - my dad had been meaning to get my mum a new one -but DP wrote his last one off in an accident (cos it was old more than really badly damaged) - and so my dad got a new one in a hurry and sold it to him for half what it was worth (he was going to give to him -but decided he should pay something to maybe make him be more careful) And he really doesn't appreciate the help he was given - my DB drove it here (300 miles) etc...
Anyway this morning he hit a low wall, mashed the bottom of his car - oil pouring out, engine making a funny noise. He was too embarrassed to go to /phone the local garage....wanted to take it somewhere else , didn't want the Dcs to know etc. I had a look no way could he drive it even the quarter of a mile to the local garage...never mind anywhere else
I phoned the garage for him ...they came to get it - finger crossed the engine is alright and it is repairable -they will try and do it on Monday ...But it might be a write off - it is an old car - and it has just cost £400 to get it through its MOT less than 2 weeks ago. Luckily he is ok for money and things like that come from his spending money...
Then I cleaned up the oil off the road - he helped a bit...

Any way after his initial embarrassment he said things like ...oh well these things happen don't they - everyone has crashes, no harm done etc etc
No that isn't true - I haven't, none of my friends or family have..or they have one or two in a lifetime. He was going slow but admitted he didn't see the wall cos he was looking at his phone (he was on a private road - so no danger of points etc) ...
He has been on holiday for a week - due back next week but he might be off on Monday. He works early shift - can't get public transport he needs a car. He realised this at midday - told him to phone his boss - he didn't instead he phoned other people until eventually about 5pm someone told him he was working on Mon. He said oh well I'll have to take your car then.
Erm - No - phone your boss and explain - see if you can swap - he has sent his boss a text...wouldn't phone - no reply and boss is off tomorrow - apparently a taxi will cost £30 ..he HAS to take my car ...
So AIBU to think - he should sort himself out - and suffer a bit -pay the taxi - because he just doesn't take it seriously ...everyone around him helping him out - even the mechanics at the garage - they are off today really - just in working on their own cars...
I haven't planned my week out next week yet -but I do have a lot on...don't really need another restriction.

I should really go into work (mainly work from home) - about 10-15 min walk away - but I had a DVT in July and that is quite far for me to walk - I'd rather not risk it. And not being 100% well I like the security of knowing I have transport to get medical help if I need to. (actually day after I have an dr appt and I couldn't make it without a car after school drop off)

Also DD1 goes to school miles away - if she misses the bus she can't get in until 10.30pm unless I take her...(not a regularly occurrence but has happened)
And I just shouldn't be inconvenienced (more than I have already) because he has messed up again...
and £30 taxi and a horrendous bus journey back may just make him realise that it is not 'no harm done' ...Angry

OP posts:
Original poster
unlucky83 · 31/08/2014 11:32

Oh and the bike thing - he couldn't really do it - it is over 10 miles and most of the roads are two way 60 mph winding ones in the middle of nowhere, no street lights. He goes to work at 4am - when it is dark. It would just be too dangerous.

OP posts:
bananaleaf · 31/08/2014 11:33

YANBU what happens when he crashes your car? Any then you have no car!

Ketchuphidestheburntbits · 31/08/2014 11:35

YADNBU - a family member of mine was killed on a zebra crossing by someone like your DP Sad

Please encourage him to take a driving course and don't ever let him drive your DC anywhere. i think it would be cheaper in the long run to remove him from your insurance than to repair or replace another car. There is no excuse for him to be looking at his phone while driving - that is absolutely disgusting.

He sounds like an arrogant idiot and his driving may well be the least of your problems if he is prepared to drive so badly that he puts your DC's lives in danger (as well as every other road user and pedestrian). How would you feel if he injures someone because you have enabled him to keep driving?

Whereisegg · 31/08/2014 11:39

Yes that route to work on a bike at 4am does sound shit.
He should learn to take care when in charge of a massive lump of metal then shouldn't he Angry

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 31/08/2014 11:44

Can I ask which country gave him a driving license? Is he definitely allowed to drive in the UK?

I certainly wouldn't let him borrow my car in your shoes. Is there public transport for him to get to work? Even if it means two buses or something.

He really does need a course of lessons with a local instructor before he drives again I'd say.

gamerchick · 31/08/2014 11:46

Stop excusing him.. All of you are pussy footing around him.

Tell him no more cars until he's took a driving course in the UK and passed the test or whatever they do and stick to it. He'll have to put the effort in if he wants a car rather than going to you or your family to bail him out.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 31/08/2014 11:49

Sorry - I missed the point where you said he qualified in France so he can legally drive here. I don't find the standard of driving in France bad at all. Perhaps a bit nerve racking in Paris but generally similar to the UK. I think he's just a dreadful driver.

PuppyMonkey · 31/08/2014 11:54

Am now trying to guess what op's DH job is that involves him starting at 4am. He's not the milkman is he? Shock

FryOneFatManic · 31/08/2014 11:55

If he's French he's exempt from taking a UK test. He's going to be perfectly eligible to drive on his French licence. The only exception will be if he got his French licence by exchanging a non-EU licence to obtain the French one.

Icimoi · 31/08/2014 12:00

Did he damage the wall he just drove into? Has he contacted the owners and his insurance company about that?

Staywithme · 31/08/2014 12:16

I've been to France a few times and I don't know where you get the idea that French driver are bad. They're no worse than ours, though Paris is a bit scary. Does he need glasses? I'm not being funny. My husband nearly drove into a pole in the middle of an empty car park once. I made an appointment for him and it turns out he needed glasses. He was shocked as he didn't realise how bad his sight was until he started wearing them and now wouldn't be without them.

Kittydragon · 31/08/2014 12:21

OP I'm sure you love him very much, but if someone is behind the wheel of a car they need to pay attention AT ALL TIMES. Not just when they feel like it. You do seem to be making excuses for him.

redexpat · 31/08/2014 12:55

OP you have a unanimous thread! Do you know how rare they are on mn?!

He can cycle to work, or pay the taxi. His problem, he can deal with it.

coppertop · 31/08/2014 13:02

Riding a bike in the dark still sounds a heck of a lot safer than him being out in a car. At least this way the only person he's likely to kill is himself.

What incentive does he have to change when everyone around him seems to treat him like a pampered prince who shouldn't have to face the consequences of his actions?

magoria · 31/08/2014 13:21

Don't excuse his looking at his phone. It doesn't matter where or how slow. He was not paying attention to his driving, due to this he crashed, again.

DPotter · 31/08/2014 13:31

Another one here for not lending him your car, removing him from your insurance and never letting him driving your children or yourself. If he takes a refresher course and passes - then this would change.

There are people who simply can't drive safely' I worked with someone who'd taken and failed multiple times and then went on one of these intensive week long driving courses and the instructor refused to put them in for the test and said they should never get in to the driver's seat again.

He's just not a danger to himself but to other road users as well.

eyebags63 · 31/08/2014 13:34

YANBU to not lend him your car.

I do wonder about the state of the relationship when you can write such a massive long rant about it though, I mean is this the tip of the iceberg so to speak?

Could he not get an old van or landrover that would be a bit more robust than a normal car?

ShadowStar · 31/08/2014 13:57

Thing is, if you're driving, you need to pay attention all the time, not just when you're on the motorway or whatever.

"stupid, slow speed things" can still have serious consequences. Sure, a car park late at night or a private road might be empty of traffic 99% of the time, but you can't rely on that being the case 100% of the time. You just can't. Because occasionally there'll be another car or an unexpected pedestrian around who could get killed if he picks the wrong moment to check a text message.

MaryWestmacott · 31/08/2014 13:57

Cycling would be perfectly safe if he had lights and rode sensibly. 10 miles is a lot, but he'll get fit.

Or he coud hire a car. would his insurance cover it?

But not your car. Take him off hte insurance.

Longer term, he should look for a job closer to home or you move closer to his work, he's not a safe driver and sooner or later he's going to lose his licence, you should really start planning for it...

areyoubeingserviced · 31/08/2014 14:01

Tbh, I am more concerned about the fact that every time he leaves the house , he is risking the lives of others
He defo would not be driving my car.

ramrod757 · 31/08/2014 14:05

I can't believe I have to share the roads with idiots like this!

polarpercy · 31/08/2014 14:35

ShadowStar's right, I live on a private road that doesn't go anywhere (in that it ends way down a winding little track at a large house - not ours!) but there are still children and other pedestrians about. It really annoys me when people are checking their phone at junctions or when turning because you just know they haven't seen you as a pedestrian and then they swing their vehicle out when they look up and see a gap.

As happened to me yetserday when trying to cross with pushchair, van pulled up at end of private road, engine on, not indicating, and checking phone. Gap in traffic makes it safe to cross when all of a sudden, still on phone the driver decides to pull out. Wasn't a danger to us as I'm so used to it I wasn't even going to bother trying to cross until he'd gone.

I've also been on crossings when cars have gone through with the driver on phone. He sounds like a frightening driver, sorry to say that.

HappyAgainOneDay · 31/08/2014 14:53

OP, you wisely asked for advice about lending your car to your DH but then defended him in every other post. If you feel that he must have a car to go to work, why did you ask for Mumsnet opinions?

I agree with the others in that he should just not be on our roads at all. Whereabouts do you live, please? so we can all avoid the area.

DocDaneeka · 31/08/2014 15:15

Another one here for not lending him your car, removing him from your insurance and never letting him driving your children or yourself. If he takes a refresher course and passes - then this would change and get a bloody eye test.

^this

Get him a cheap moped, he can ride a 50cc on a car licence. Might teach him to pay attention. Stop enabling him. What if it's my small child in a car park when he sets off at low speed checking a text.

Annarose2014 · 31/08/2014 15:26

Wow. Whole lot of excuses for someone who's had a shitload of car accidents. Or "incidents" or however you want to downplay it.