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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask a question about transgender?

30 replies

UnacceptableWidge · 30/08/2014 22:45

Before I ask this I'm going to hold up my hands and admit that I know next to nothing about this subject so may well that the answer is blindingly obvious and I'm too stupid to work it out.

Am watching CBB and for the second time (that has been aired there could have been more comments) Kellie has expressed confusion about her sexual preference once her transformation is complete.

My question is, are people who change their gender not aware of their sexual preference? Does that really change if you change gender?

Isn't that an issue Kellie would have dealt with before embarking on the journey to become the person she felt she should be?

OP posts:
CarcerDun · 30/08/2014 22:48

I thought she was questioning the label rather than the preference. She seemed on the fence about preference.

Notacs · 30/08/2014 22:48

No, I don't think it's an issue she should have dealt with. Lots of people who aren't transgender experience fluid sexuality.

I don't watch CBB but the thing with transgender individuals is that it's by nature confusing and challenging. The best thing for them, as for us all, is accept that things aren't and don't have to be set in stone.

gincamparidryvermouth · 30/08/2014 22:52

There's a detransitioning transwoman posting on FWR at the moment, you might try posting the question there :)

Viviennemary · 30/08/2014 22:52

I don't know much about this either and only knew and not very one person in this situation. I understood that the question of a person's gender was a completely separate issue from their sexual orientation.

Notacs · 30/08/2014 22:55

It sort of is but since our sexual orientation is part of our identity it sort of isn't :)

For example if you are female according to your birth certificate but in your head you are male, if you are attracted to women you would be considered a lesbian - but really you are not. You're a heterosexual man.

It's confusing and it's upsetting for many transgender people as it's hard to explain and communicate.

Mrsjayy · 30/08/2014 22:56

I think transgendered people can be gay like other people sexuality isnt set in stone is ir

Mrsjayy · 30/08/2014 22:57

What notacs said

Notacs · 30/08/2014 22:58

Yes but again, to use the example in my post above - a woman who in her head, in her identity, is male, who is drawn to men would be considered by society heterosexual but in her own mind gay.

It's so hard for them.

17leftfeet · 30/08/2014 23:01

I think she's questioning the label, she's mentioned it a few times that she is attracted to women so is asking if that will make her a lesbian once transition is complete

Frank was openly homophobic so this may be a source of conflict for her but then it's not uncommon for people that are struggling with their sexuality to appear to dislike homosexuals/make homophobic comments

Original poster
UnacceptableWidge · 30/08/2014 23:03

carcer I thought she was questioning both her preference and the label.
I understand how confusing it must be but naively thought that those kind of issues would be addresses before the process to some extent to ensure a person was getting exactly what they needed.

gincamp... thank you I will find and read that thread. Probably best not to ask the question there though. I don't want my ignorance to cause offence

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 30/08/2014 23:18

Tbh I think the last thing a middle age transgendered woman who is at the start of the process like kellie needs to worry is about is who they are sexually attracted to in my simplified head it must be like going through puberty again and hormones are all over the place

gincamparidryvermouth · 30/08/2014 23:28

Honestly, you won't cause offence - the poster is absolutely lovely, very open to discussion and answering questions. If you ask the question the way you've asked it here there is no chance you'll cause offence!

OxfordBags · 31/08/2014 01:38

Their sexuality is not part of the reason why they need to transition. Their physical sex is not congruent with the sex they feel they truly are, that's why. Nothing to do with who they fancy before or after, and a definitive sexuality is not necessary for transition (nor is it for anything in life, actually). Sexuality exists on a sliding scale, and is fluid for many people. Kellie might be bisexual, and that might be another part of her that she has repressed until now (I haven't seen the show, I must add).

Bulbasaur · 31/08/2014 05:37

Gender is whether you're a man or woman.
Sexuality is who you want to have sex with.

They're separate things and it's possible to have different mix and matches between the two.

ArtemisiaGentileschisThumb · 31/08/2014 07:56

Her sexual preference may be something that is never fully 'dealt' with or resolved if she is confused or unsure about her sexuality that is a separate issue from her gender as others have said.

If however she is a woman that likes women she will be a lesbian, if she were a man that likes men, she would be gay and if she likes both will be bi sexual just the same as anyone else. She will (or should be recognised) as a female and any label of sexual orientation (however unnecessary) will be in response to her status as a female rather than her as a transgender individual.

ArtemisiaGentileschisThumb · 31/08/2014 07:57

Also YANBU to ask, education helps prevent prejudice IMHO.

CaptChaos · 01/09/2014 09:48

Sex is whether you're a man or a woman.
Gender is the constructs that society builds around sex.
Sexuality is who you want to have sex with.

I would imagine that Kellie is horribly confused about her sexuality, given how vile she has been in the past about same sex couples, same sex marriage and same sex couples having children. If she posits that she has always been a woman, and yet has been married to a woman twice and has children from those marriages, then her views regarding same sex couples must be terribly difficult for her.

CKDexterHaven · 01/09/2014 10:20

Google 'cotton ceiling', it's an eye-opener. Lesbians who don't want to have penetrative sex with 'lesbians' with penises are transphobic bigots apparently. Autogynephilia is also a huge eye-opener. This site is controversial but I found it very helpful to know that there were other people out there critical of ideological basis of transgenderism.

gendertrender.wordpress.com/

Gender is a hugely controversial issue. Gender is a social system of damaging stereotypes, stifling for men but damaging for women. Gender is not something we are born with and so no-one can be born with the wrong gender. I would like to see gender abolished so people can just be who they want to be without having to 'change sex' or conform to sex-role stereotypes.

GemmaWella81 · 01/09/2014 10:55

I know plenty of TS people that do or don't fancy people of a certain gender. Having an op does fuck all to their sexuality, it's about living with the gender identity they feel most aligned with. I know gay and straight transsexuals, often in discussion the phrase 'fancy the person not the convention' is mentioned. Labelling sexuality can often be a road to ruin for some TS's, it's often easier to accept they like who like... Whether that person is ball or minge clad is irrelevant.

mummy2be279 · 26/11/2014 20:30

It's my first midwife appointment tomorrow, What will happen??

TheSpottedZebra · 26/11/2014 20:33

279, not sure if you have posted on the wrong thread?

ApocalypseThen · 26/11/2014 20:35

I don't think it'll affect your gender anyway, no matter what the midwife promises you'll probably still end up bring the one who has to give birth.

Andrewofgg · 26/11/2014 20:47

279 I' obviously not qualified to answer your question but I had to thank you for getting me PMSL!

Good luck tomorrow anyway.

PolterGoose · 26/11/2014 21:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Christina22xx · 26/11/2014 21:27

transgender feel theyre born within the wrong body.
sometimes they hold out at fear of being judged, specially with kellie she was involved in boxing so it would of been hard for her to be her true self.
its hard for others to know how they feel because they havent experienced it but you know whatever makes people happy n its not harming i dont see the issue.