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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that having multiple sequel partners (across your lifetime, not at the same time) is not immoral...

87 replies

Jewels234 · 30/08/2014 18:45

This stems from a conversation I had recently. The more I think about it, the more angry I get.

The person that I was speaking to was arguing that having more than 1 sexual partner in a life time was immoral. I think that as long as no-one gets hurt, no-one should be judged for having as many sexual partners as they want.

It particularly annoyed me as the implication was that I am immoral, when I consider myself to be an extremely moral person.

So...tell me they were BU please!

OP posts:

Purplepoodle · 30/08/2014 21:46

Each person has their own view or morality, each to their own.

BehindHerSmile · 30/08/2014 22:24

For goodness sake, I knew this thread would turn into women boasting about how many people they've banged.

No one gives a flying fuck how many people you have slept with (whether its in your 20s, whilst you were still in sixth form or university). The number of people who've slept with is nothing to be proud (or ashamed) of - whether it's 1 or 1,000. It's just a number - it means nothing.

OddFodd · 30/08/2014 22:29

BehindHerSmile - what a weird post. I think you've been reading a different thread

LiberalLibertines · 30/08/2014 22:34

Er Behind no-one is boasting, we're just chatting, you know, like on a chat site? chill the fuck out, here

ShadowStar · 30/08/2014 22:40

Agree, not immoral to have sequential sexual partners.

I do wonder if your mum's view is coloured by the fact that this is your sister being discussed? Some people can get a bit funny about their children's sexuality.

CatKisser · 30/08/2014 22:45

I must have missed the posts where we boasted about our banging.

aprilanne · 30/08/2014 23:05

a bit strange your friend .so say you marry at 20 .and get divorced at 30 .are you supposed to go into a convent until you die ..my hubby has been my only partner but thats because we met as teenagers .god i could,nt care less what other folk do .and no i dont think i have some moral high ground over others .live and let live

scarletforya · 30/08/2014 23:52

Your Mum's just jealous cos she couldn't get any (except one) I call sour grapes!

Suzannewithaplan · 31/08/2014 00:09

Why would you even bother to engage on this subject with a person who takes such a ludicrously antediluvian stance

seasavage · 31/08/2014 00:35

I think solely quantifying relationships is really terrifying. How does having more than one relationship differ from having one?
Is consent even meaningful to this line of thought? There have been awful situations of victims forced to marry their rapists. Does she advocate that to ensure 1 relationship? Does this make child marriage acceptable to her?

GarlicAugustus · 31/08/2014 00:42

12 is now the average in a liftetime.

Did you mean in the time it takes the lift to go from the garage to the executive suite?

If 12's the lifetime average, I can afford to feel a LOT better about my current extended celibacy! I've had well over four lives already.

justcallmethefixer · 31/08/2014 00:59

Immoral is a personal opinion. We all have our own set of morals that we live too. Your actions are only immoral if you deem them so.

GarlicAugustus · 31/08/2014 01:52

Your actions are only immoral if you deem them so.

What? So you can steal all the food aid sent to your starving citizens, sell it to them at ridiculous prices, and spend the money on an impressive range of designer shoes. But you're not immoral because you reckon you're worth it?

Nah.

PhaedraIsMyName · 31/08/2014 01:57

'I'd shagged more than 5 by the time I'd finished the 6th Form! I couldn't tell you my magic number because I've forgotten half of them. Funnily enough, I've grown into a fine upstanding member of the community!

Are you me?

OP you are not being unreasonable but the person who said that to you is a sanctimonious twerp.

PhaedraIsMyName · 31/08/2014 02:01

Your actions are only immoral if you deem them so
What tosh. Some one could have had multiple partners and be kind and generous

Any one who is deliberately cruel to a child or an animal might be as celibate as the Pope but is still immoral.

SignYourNameInBrownAndFlame · 31/08/2014 02:05

Unless you live a....ahem...full life, you don't know what you like, what you need and what makes you happy. Without that knowledge you are prone to making mistakes. The happiest couples I know are ones that have been round the block. They have seen the grass isn't greener or if it is, it's been fertilzed with bullshit. Other clichés may apply but it's true as far as I can see

That may be your experience, but it's not a universal law.

CheerfulYank · 31/08/2014 02:15

I've seen people bashed for having lots of partners and people bashed for having only one, or for being virgins.

Either way is fine, if it's your personal choice, and your choice isn't hurting anyone else, like your partner thinks it's a monogamous relationship and you're shagging everyone in sight.

My DH has only slept with me and that was important to him. I...have slept with more. :) But I don't think there's anything wrong with his choice, and he doesn't care about my choices either, as long as we are monogomous now, which we are.

HicDraconis · 31/08/2014 02:26

Your mother is BVU and I too am glad your sister is having fun - as long as it's safe and consensual fun :)

I don't know exactly how many partners DH had before me. I suspect my number is higher but I don't recall all of them. What matters to us is that since getting together it's been with each other only.

However if something happened to me, or him, such that we ended up separated (death, infidelity) I would not expect either of us to be celibate for the rest of our lives. And if a different couple were into multiple partners at the same time - again as long as it's safe and consensual then why shouldn't any number of adults enjoy sex?

Whose definition of morality is it anyway? (Sounds like an idea for a tv show!)

Bettercallsaul1 · 31/08/2014 02:52

The idea that a woman should only have one sexual partner throughout her entire life is a throwback to the days when chastity was demanded of women by men, who controlled society. Men have never limited themselves in this way. Women were expected to be chaste on their wedding nights so that their husbands could be certain that any offspring from the union were his. A woman who had had sexual experience before marriage was considered "damaged goods" who could be already pregnant with another man's child or who might be unfaithful in the future either another man. Where women's main purpose was to provide legitimate heirs for their husbands, chastity until marriage with a husband being the only sexual partner thereafter was considered the only possible condition for women, and was enforced by the law and powerful social mores. If a woman strayed from this, social disgrace and isolation -at the very least - followed.

Now that women have achieved legal, financial and social independence, they can finally claim the sexual freedom that men have always allowed themselves. It is only logical, fair and equal that this is so. However sexual mores are often slow to change, which is why we still hear sexually active women being called "sluts" when such insults are never directed towards men.

User100 · 31/08/2014 09:55

Better - so that he doesn't fall dead in your bed and ruin your chances of marrying the heir to your fathers estate you mean?

fifi669 · 31/08/2014 10:09

On the contrary, men are called sluts, slags etc. The difference is women get upset and men wear it as a badge of honour.

CarbeDiem · 31/08/2014 10:23

How bloody ridiculous. I'd be surprised if a new partner revealed they'd only had 1 previous to me tbh.
I see nothing wrong in sleeping with who and how many you want so long as there's no cheating or hurting anybody else.

Jennifer Lopez infuriated me earlier this week, in an interview, by claiming she doesn't whore around.
Heads up JLo(W) - just because a woman casually sleeps with different guys doesn't make them whores.

SolidGoldBrass · 31/08/2014 10:29

By this definition, a woman who has been raped by someone other than her husband is 'immoral'. You could try pointing that out...

Bettercallsaul1 · 31/08/2014 10:29

Sorry, User, my brain is not working properly at this time on a Sunday morning. Could you explain what you mean? (in words of not more than one syllable please...!) Unless it's a joke, and I am being even thcker.....

Fifi - I really don't think that men receive the same volume of insults, directed at their sexual activity. Teenage boys, and men, are not criticised ( or reviled even) in the same way and are often proud of their sexual experience, regarding it, as you say, as "a badge of honour"

Bettercallsaul1 · 31/08/2014 10:34

Exactly, CarbeDiem - old attitudes die hard, and are often, sadly, reinforced by (some) women themselves. Of course, women should take the same pleasure in their sexuality as men, as long as the real rules of morality, ie full consent, consideration for your partner etc are observed.

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