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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To hope that one person might genuinely say 'congratulations' about DC5?

97 replies

NoRoomForALittleOne · 30/08/2014 14:41

I am in a pregnant huff! I'm only 5 weeks pg with DC5 but we've chosen to tell two people - one who it affects greatly and another was a good friend who asked a direct question. Neither said congratulations . To be fair this is a total contraceptive failure pregnancy but we are really happy. My pregnancy with DC4 was horrific so people will be concerned for me. But I just know that no-one is going to genuinely congratulate us People already openly judge us for having four children.

OP posts:

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 30/08/2014 16:25

Obvoiusly I don't know any back ground but does your friend have any children is she ttc. Well she could be without your knowledge so yes she might be jealous. Only natural
I've been ttc since last year and to be honest I'm now at the point of being fed up of feeling obligated to say congratulations to every pregnant women

ILovePud · 30/08/2014 16:43

Congratulations! Can you and DH tell MIL together, will he pull her up if she says anything rude or does a lemon face?

cooperG · 30/08/2014 17:03

Um, I think it's very odd to congratulate someone for an unplanned pregnancy. It's like "congratulations, you had sex"? Weird.
Also, 5 children is amazingly environmentally irresponsible.

hackmum · 30/08/2014 17:14

Can I ask a question, OP? What is bothering you - that people aren't pleased for you, or that they aren't at least pretending to be pleased for you? I think if I were a friend of yours I would congratulate you but it would probably be insincere, because I would be thinking, "Bloody hell, five children, I have no idea how she's going to cope with that" and I would also be thinking "what if she has another terrible pregnancy?"

Congratulations, by the way.

Zippidydoodah · 30/08/2014 17:18

Congratulations!

But why would people not say congrats "because they're jealous"?! Really? I wouldn't be jealous... We have 3 amazing kids but are at capacity and can't shine having any more.

If you can support them and are happy then congrats are due. No one else's business anyway.

Zippidydoodah · 30/08/2014 17:24

Can't imagine, not can't shine.

Erm. Go ahead and flame me but I don't know how people possibly give 5 children enough attention. I have to work hard to ensure my 3 do and even then, they don't get enough 1:1 I don't think.

TerrorAustralis · 30/08/2014 17:26

Congratulations OP

I am one of six kids, and my mum had similar reactions. It is hurtful.

I don't know why some babies are thought to be more exciting and worthy of congratulations than others.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 30/08/2014 17:28

Zippi I can vouch that if a women is jealous of another womens pregnancy she may not say congratulations. I bumped into an ex friend of mine the other week who was pushing a pram. No I didn't say congratulations or run over to coo at her baby. I just said "Hiya in cold manner. Yes wrong I know, but I was and still am big time jealous,
Also very easy for you to say you wouldn't be jealous you've got 3 kids. I've got 1 so I know I'm very lucky but a poor women who is barren is bound to get depressed now and again when a women announces an unplanned pregnancy.

ILovePud · 30/08/2014 17:54

CooperG, how misanthropic and mean-spirited. Anyway of course it's not congrats you had sex it's congrats that your going to be having another DC.

MrsDeVere · 30/08/2014 18:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SierpinskiNumber · 30/08/2014 18:02

Congratulations

MehsMum · 30/08/2014 18:07

Congrats!

Zippi, DH is one of a huge family and he is fabulous. I don't think he got much 1 to 1, but he's a lovely husband, a fab dad, and a productive member of society. Just sayin'.

SierpinskiNumber · 30/08/2014 18:08

Ohh, I missed the bit where you said you were only 5 weeks pregnant. I wonder if that's why people were not saying congratulations rather than because it's baby number 5.

Coffeethrowtrampbitch · 30/08/2014 18:18

Lying and Daisy I am sorry I made you feel sick, and I did make it a deliberately inappropriate comment to highlight how rude and unreasonable op's mil has been, even before she has found out about her new grandchild. I don't think it is that shocking as I assume with four kids already she realises the op and her husband have had sex.

I was trying to cheer op up as you would not believe how hurt I was when mil said that about ds2. To have someone unhappy about a new life you are carrying inside you and which you already love is horribly upsetting. Op I hope you get more positive reactions in future, and that you sail through this time to make up for last time.

lucycoco · 30/08/2014 18:25

"'environmentally irresponsible'

So is having a car or central heating or getting in a plane. Drinking most sorts of coffee, out of season vegetables and buying clothes."

Completely true, of course. But most people put themselves somewhere on the spectrum of environmental responsibility and try to minimise their impact to some extent (usually somewhere between living car-less in a yurt at one end, and throwing your household rubbish onto the road outside at the other ) and increasing the population is a much much much bigger 'single' detriment to the environment than the examples you've given.

Ultimately, we can't all have five children or the world will be in huge trouble, most don't but a minority will have five or more anyway. Those few will face the odd negative comment, even though (I think) that would be a little rude to give the opinion unsolicited.

cooperG · 30/08/2014 18:31

Mrsdevere - so that makes it ok then? congratulations on being so insightful.

And for what it's worth, I don't fly, I have a car but use public transport 90% of the time and don't buy out of season vegetables. (Virtuous)

oh yeah, and I don't wear clothes, ever.

elvenbread · 30/08/2014 18:32

I wouldn't be all huggy and happy for you but I would say congrats. The world and this country is heavily overpopulated so I wouldnt be overjoyed for anyone on their 5th child.
However if you can afford it and havel lots of love to give this litte one and all his siblings then congrats.

Viviennemary · 30/08/2014 18:37

I know somebody who had five. Nobody congratulated her on announcements of four or five. I suppose people must think that nobody would want as many children so they just give commiserations. Still if you're pleased it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. I agree people are miserable gits. Never a truer word said.

Itsjustmeagain · 30/08/2014 18:38

I think its just how people are tbh - when we told people were were having dc5 we waited until I was pretty far along and then just told people as a matter of fact statement and got on with it, something like "we are having a baby in September so we are not able to book that holiday" as I recall. I think a lot of people find it hard to congratulate because they cant imagine THEIR OWN life with 5 + children and therefore assume your life must be unbearable (which of course it isn't).

Lally112 · 30/08/2014 18:41

I will!! congrats!!

who cares what other people think of 4 or 5 kids, its you having them, not them. enjoy.

Rainbunny · 30/08/2014 18:44

Congratulations! I know you are very excited but frankly I think people do get less excited about other's pregnancies after the first couple of children. I imagine your friends just figure that you know the ropes and it's not such a dramatic event since you've gone through it before. It's just human nature I think, not a lack of support or approval. My SIL just had her fourth child and she was incredibly blase about it herself, she barely bothered telling people until she was almost in her last trimester. I hope everything goes smoothly for you :)

DaisyFlowerChain · 30/08/2014 18:47

Zippi, having grown up in a large family it's very true there is little time to go around and lots of things have to give. It's not something I would ever do myself as far too many negatives and only a tiny few positives.

The environmental impact is also another consideration as well as the costs of schooling, NHS, child benefits, tax credits etc. It would add upto an immense amount and no where near the amount of tax paid in.

SugarSkully · 30/08/2014 18:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

NoRoomForALittleOne · 30/08/2014 18:51

Someone asked if my friend is TTC - no, she is 12 weeks pregnant (and I was the one person she told at 5 weeks as she was so excited).

And there was a question about 'what was I hoping for?' and I guess given that I'm not going to tell people that we hadn't planned the baby then I was just hoping for at least a polite 'congratulations'. We would like someone to share our excitement

I'm going to let you lot argue between yourselves now...

OP posts:

Zippidydoodah · 30/08/2014 18:55

Ah, I see; jealous of PREGNANCY rather than jealousy of number five.

Sorry I totally missed that point and can understand why someone would be jealous of pregnancy.

I constantly second guess myself re: three. Wouldn't change a thing but like I said, working hard on giving them enough.

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