Fed up with DH's lack of support with baby night/morning wakings! (Rant!)

[aphrodizzyac]

I am so so so sick of this injustice!

3 months in with PFB and I haven't had a single full nights sleep. Understandable, as I am still EBFing. However it's the lack of real willingness to lend a hand or give me some relief in the mornings.

He's never once got up during the night to help settle or change a nappy. During the early days when I was in a lot of pain and exhaustion from the birth the nights were especially lonely as I sat up in agony lifting baby onto my sore breasts. Would have been nice to have a bit of support then.

He does "help" on some days by taking baby downstairs in the morning, but will rarely do this at 6am when I really need it (e.g. Last night DS regressed to waking every 2 hours so I was and still am shattered) instead he'll be all like "I'm too tired, I need an extra hour or so". Despite having slept 11-6am with only minor wakings from hearing the baby monitor.

I get it, no-one wants to get up at 6am on a Saturday, pre-baby I would've killed anyone who tried to make me. But now I'd kill for that much solid sleep, and it's not as if I choose for DS to become wide awake at that time! DH does not work in a physically demanding job. Why should I bear the full burden?

When he does take DS for an hour or so, he'll complain about being tired afterwards and demand a long nap himself. Normally he'll say "I don't feel well" to justify this - funny how that always co-incides with having got up earlier than he wanted to... I say "I don't feel well either because I've had no proper sleep for 3 months!"

And he acts like I should be grateful for the hour or two extra that I got on those mornings, as if he's being so kind. Well it's not exactly a massive favour in proportion to what I've done every day and night for the last 3 months. By the time he took him this morning at 8am I'd already been awake for 2.5 hours so more of just a nap by that point really!

Sorry for the rant I'm just so tired and fed up I love DH but this is eroding away at our marriage. Even if I showed him this post I doubt he'd sympathise. AIBU with this rant?

YANBU, but you need to be telling him this, in no uncertain terms. You both have a baby, and it is a joint responsibility. Can you express some milk and go somewhere else for a night so you can get a decent nights sleep?

No, because you're tired.

However, it's two jobs, caring and providing, I'm guessing you don't go to work with your husband and do his job for an hour in the day to give him a break.

I also feel it's unreasonable of the parent who stays at home to expect the parent who goes out to work to go out on broken sleep. I know that view will be really unpopular but I wouldn't like it.

I also feel it's unreasonable of the parent who stays at home to expect the parent who goes out to work to go out on broken sleep. I know that view will be really unpopular but I wouldn't like it.

Shes not asking him to have broken sleep, she's asking him to have the baby in the mornings, so she get a bit of sleep.

YANBU.

You need to talk to him. Sleep deprivation is used as torture and there is a good reason for that.

We used to share the weekends. During the week I did all the night time stuff as DH worked but at the weekend he had a lie in on Saturday and I did on Sunday. Granted I was doing the lions share but I didn't have a 12 our shift to do 5 days a week.

Mind you having said that 'I don't feel well' does my nut in.

I know in my family when DH doesn't feel well it means we all have to tiptoe around making hot drinks and pandering to every whim whereas when I don't feel well I get dragged up bloody welsh mountains in the rain so I sympathise OP and YANBU!!

It's the weekend. He's not going out to work. Should he get two full days off then while OP gets none?

Notacs he could give her a lie in at the weekends?

And why is caring a 24 hour job for one parent? I appreciate when he is at work their roles are different but when he gets home they're both parents and he ought to be pulling his weight.

On top of that he ought to recognise that his partner is currently almost at breaking point and want to help and support her. He's not covering himself in glory on any count here.

Notacs I don't see why the parent who goes to work should expect unbroken sleep (unless they're a brain surgeon or long distance lorry driver perhaps) when they have a newborn baby. When my husband took a few weeks off work to care for our baby while I prepared to defend my PhD thesis he said t was more tiring than his job and he was glad to get bak to work.

Now this obviously varies betwee. Babies and jobs (my husband is in academia and our baby was high needs) but staying at home doesn't mean you get to nap all day and can get by with no sleep.

Even if he can't go to work a little tired he can get up early on the weekend and give her a lie in, absolute no excuse for her being the on,y oneto be sleep deprived.

YANBU

You need to alternate weekend getting up.

Also very silly to pander to adult's every whim and tiptoe round because he doesn't feel well. Fine example to set for kids.

YANBU
I have had the same for 3 and a half years.

Yanbu. Not having a full nights sleep for months on end can really catch up with you. At the very least you should be alternating lie-ins on the weekend.

It is not right that your partner gets unbroken sleep all night long AND gets to stay in bed longer than you. Sleep is a basic need. You need to take care of yourself and your partner needs to understand this. Going out to work does not mean that you have no other responsibilities. He gets evenings, nights, weekend's, lunch break, leave etc. You should not have to be 'on' 24/7.

Some weeks dh gets up at 5 or 6 every single day so I can have a catch up sleep. It took us a while to get to this point though, in the early days I expected him up read my mind and offer and then felt resentful when he didn't, and he wasn't a morning person so found it really hard to function early even on a full nights sleep.

Now I get up, say "you need to take over before I chuck this baby out the window," and head back to bed with earplugs and white noise! I am much better at taking care of myself and dh is much better at reading my body language and will occasionally send me back to bed himself.

Try not to be blamey with your partner when you speak with him (even though he sounds like a dick). Just lay it on the line for him: I'm exhausted, I've slept x hours in the past couple nights, I can't function like this. I need your help, what do you think we should do?

See what he comes up with.

I'm sure a lot of marriages fail within the first year of a baby arriving, and this kind of shit must have a lot to do with it.
I've found there is no point discussing in the morning itself - I'd assumed dh would know I'd want the "lie in" this morning as I'd been working all week (whereas he hadn't) and I have a cold (and he doesn't) and I wake every night with our nocturnal toddler. But no, he thought it would be him. By discussing this the night before I was able to put him straight and got my well-earned extra 2 hours!

"I can't function like this. I need your help, what do you think we should do?" - Coughle, I said this to dh recently and he said I should go and see the doctor I don't need pills, I need practical assistance! (He has grovelled over this subsequently, but it still hurts)

Poor you OP! I agree your DH needs to help out. I think it would help to be quite specific e.g. "Tomorrow morning (weekend) you can take PFB for two hours in morning when I sleep", but then also help plan something nice for DH "and then I'll take over again while you go to gym/watch sport etc". Worked for me! Also, DH would take our little one on weekday mornings when I was tired and she would sit in bouncy chair and watch while he got ready for work.

I think if he's working and you're at home then it's fair for you to do the night wakings during the week. But at the weekend, there is no valid reason why he shouldn't do the majority on at least one of the nights.

Try to remember that you are right in the thick of it at the moment and most marriages take a bit of a bashing when small babies are around, but it wont go on forever no matter how much it feels like it will.

I still have a little piece of the bitter resentment I developed when our daughter was a baby and her father never, ever allowed me to have a lie in and she is ten now.

He just wouldn't wake up in the morning however much noise she made and however many times I talked to him about it. So fucking unfair.

He was and still is brilliant in just about all other aspects of parenthood but the sleep seemed to be non-negotiable.

I hope you find a solution.

I really despair of modern parenting!!!! I had 3 children under 3 at one point in marriage (1970's). My husband never did the night feeds, and/or changed one nappy etc. This was common in marriages at this time. At weekends he would take them all out for a walk in the afternoons, so I had two afternoon naps to catch up with sleep. The question I would ask is why have you not managed to get your baby to go for 8 hours at three months without a feed? I breast fed all mine, but after 8 weeks if they woke up during 10.00 p.m. and 6.00 a.m. feed I only offered boiled water. It would take 3/4 nights of this before they realised that they were not going to get the comfort of the breast.....bingo....they then slept through. All my friends did this as we knew there was not point in expecting the men to do it as they went out to work and we stayed at home (yes I know it is work at home but you can nap when the baby naps during the day - especially as you only have one child). You would get a good 8 hours sleep with this routine and no need to feel resentful of your husband. Hope this helps.......

And what if the OP's baby doesnt want a bottle? Is she meant to leave the baby to scream? Because that will surely solve her solution.

Yes, de poor menz. I, a woman, was working when mine were three months old. Mine were not sleeping through at that age and they are bottle fed by then. I did not expect my husband to go with unbroken sleep every single night just because I went to work or expect a 2-hour nap to be 'catching up on sleep'.

I despair of disrespectful partners who expect a person to do it all just because they go to work.

Fond a lot has changed since the 1970's such as women are no longer expected to put up & shut up.

I was born in the early 70s and my sister in the 60s. My dad changed nappies, took us out ALL DAY at weekends, fed us (we were all bottlefed) and didn't treat my mother as a domestic appliance just because she was a stay at home parent. They are still happily married 50 years later.

I red threads like this and I genuinely can't believe some men are like this!! I have my gripes about DH but when it comes to help at bedtime and through the night he is amazing.

My DS is 5 m/o and EBF.

When we first bought DS home DH would get up in the night at every feed - usually about 3/4 times - and do the nappy change each time and then pass DS to me so I could BF him. Feeding would take about 25-30 minutes and DH would sit up with me to keep me company until DS was finished and back asleep. He did this for months.

When I was having rough weeks with BF in the early days and was crying my eyes out all day and night it was him who got me through it and would spend so much time with me at the start if the feed to help me get DS attached properly. I would be holding my boob and he'd have DS's head and we'd keep working together to get things right. He was my absolute rock. He had been amazing really.

Obviously at the age DS is now the night wakings are nowhere near as often. We are having a bit of a rough time at the moment with DS sleeping so DH is spending a lot of time in the spare room - however, we still go to bed together and DH stays with me until DS has his first wake up. When DS wakes DH will get up and change the nappy and then I will do the feed. DH then goes down to the spare room to get a 3ish hour chunk of sleep before he goes to work.

At the weekends DH will stay with me the entire night and will again sit up with me whilst I'm feeding to keep me company. When DS wakes at about 7.30am my DH will take him downstairs so I can have a few hours undisturbed sleep.

Every day after work DH will take DS out for at least an hour so I can have some downtime.

At the weekends he will take DS out for 2-3 hours at a time so I can either just relax or get some sleep.

I'm not saying this to make you feel bad, I'm saying it in the hope you do show this thread to your DH and he sees what a supportive partner should be doing!!!

This is one of the reasons why I think bottle feeding is better.

After all 3 of my DCs I was back at work in a few weeks. As soon as I was back at work we split the night wakings equally. One night I would do all the wakings. The other night he would.

The advantages of this:

• on the night you are on duty you can think 'tomorrow night I can sleep'
• on the night you are off duty you can think 'not my turn'

It worked for us and meant that there was no build up of resentment.