Fed up with DH's lack of support with baby night/morning wakings! (Rant!)

[aphrodizzyac]

I am so so so sick of this injustice!

3 months in with PFB and I haven't had a single full nights sleep. Understandable, as I am still EBFing. However it's the lack of real willingness to lend a hand or give me some relief in the mornings.

He's never once got up during the night to help settle or change a nappy. During the early days when I was in a lot of pain and exhaustion from the birth the nights were especially lonely as I sat up in agony lifting baby onto my sore breasts. Would have been nice to have a bit of support then.

He does "help" on some days by taking baby downstairs in the morning, but will rarely do this at 6am when I really need it (e.g. Last night DS regressed to waking every 2 hours so I was and still am shattered) instead he'll be all like "I'm too tired, I need an extra hour or so". Despite having slept 11-6am with only minor wakings from hearing the baby monitor.

I get it, no-one wants to get up at 6am on a Saturday, pre-baby I would've killed anyone who tried to make me. But now I'd kill for that much solid sleep, and it's not as if I choose for DS to become wide awake at that time! DH does not work in a physically demanding job. Why should I bear the full burden?

When he does take DS for an hour or so, he'll complain about being tired afterwards and demand a long nap himself. Normally he'll say "I don't feel well" to justify this - funny how that always co-incides with having got up earlier than he wanted to... I say "I don't feel well either because I've had no proper sleep for 3 months!"

And he acts like I should be grateful for the hour or two extra that I got on those mornings, as if he's being so kind. Well it's not exactly a massive favour in proportion to what I've done every day and night for the last 3 months. By the time he took him this morning at 8am I'd already been awake for 2.5 hours so more of just a nap by that point really!

Sorry for the rant I'm just so tired and fed up I love DH but this is eroding away at our marriage. Even if I showed him this post I doubt he'd sympathise. AIBU with this rant?

..in case anyone is going to give fondasharing's advice a go, please note she offered them cooled boiled water, rather than just boiled water!

The only circumstances were a co parent should not help at night is if it is a first baby and that baby takes reliable lengthy naps during the day so the parent at home can sleep then. Otherwise I would expect a helping hand and moral support at the minimum.
On DD1 H got up when she woke changed her and handed her to me to fees. He then lay beside me holding my hand and dozing until I finished. He was easy to rouse if I needed anything. If she didn't settle he would take turns walking up and down with her. I got regular lie ons.
On DS1 he was the exact same with the added bit that he got up to DD if needed.

On DS2 he barely ever got up as he always settled after a feed (we stopped changing nappies in night unless dirty) but he dealt with any waking from the other two. And I got 3 times the amount of lie ons that he did.
That's a partnership

I used to end up poking dh when ds1 woke up to have some company while I cried from exhaustion - he soon got the msg

I feel for you op! I too have 3 month old pfb and it is tiring work, the sleepless nights are really hitting me too. I do the night feeds but if lo won't go back to sleep or has a tantrum then dh steps in to get him back to sleep.

The main saviour is dh nearly always gets up with lo when he wakes (usually between 530&630am) and gives me another 2-3hrs in bed. The only time he doesn't is if he has a really big day at work ahead but most of the time he helps and he always does at the wkend.

I'm sorry but your other half is incredibly lazy and selfish! You need help, it is both your baby and both your responsibility! I hope he mans up and steps up to the plate x

Either express or buy some formula, hand him the baby and a bottle and go away for the night to get some decent sleep. Even if this means the spare room with ear plugs.
In the morning you can discuss sharing looking after your (joint !) baby a bit more evenly.

we often used to do a 'staggered lie-in' at weekends.

One of us (usually me) would get up and do the morning stuff (input and output duty), while the other slept on. Then we would swap and I would go back to bed while dh played with dd (as he did not have as much time to do this when working during the week)

My ex wS like this my EX. Thought he wS the only person who ever felt tired.
Some people have kids that are still waking up when they return to work and often older kids wake up in the night if ill or frightened.
I still seem to manage to go to work if this has happened and I'm short on sleep, you just get on with it and have an early night later!!
Your dh is just taking the piss.

fobdsharing why don't you go on the sleep boards and offer your ahem, revolutionary advice.

Not baby related (because we didn't have dc together) but my ex used to suddenly and inexplicably become "ill" whenever it was time to do something around the house. Once we'd booked the day off work together to do some painting (our bedroom) and he took himself off to bed in another room because he felt ill - and this sort of shit happened all the time.

I painted the room on my own and we divorced not long after. It is just so bloody selfish and wearing and you feel you can't say anything because what if they are genuinely ill? But then I thought here I am, multiple health problems and still awake, still getting on with it, still pitching in. So he can go to fuck.

My ex never did a night with any of ours and his idea of doing mornings "for me" was to bring them into bed while he rolled over and went back to sleep.

We were married for a long time but this is one of the main reasons he is an ex. I still resent the years of broken sleep and no lie ins.

Well well well... Thanks for the responses, it's been good to hear! I sat DH down and approached the issue tactfully so he'd actually listen. He agreed to take DS more in the weekend mornings and said that now summer is ending he won't be on his hayfever pills that make him drowsy (great excuse, they never seem to make him drowsy any other time...)

This morning he took DS at 7am. I slept until 7.30am when I was woken up by the bed vibrating as loud bass-y music started playing downstairs... DH thought DS was in the mood for a "rave" (his word!) Texted him to turn it bloody down and had about 15 minutes more sleep until DH bought baby in for a feed. Then at about 8.30 he tried putting DS down for a nap (too early) so DS screamed and cried by which point I was fully awake and my mummy instinct to intervene was overwhelming so I got up.

Great lie in...

DH thought DS was in the mood for a "rave".

You need to discuss how this went for you before the next time otherwise he gets to feel he's doing a great job whilst achieving almost nothing in terms of your rest. I suggest you and the baby have a rave next time he is sleeping.

Aphro - your H sounds like a total dickhead. I'm guessing he was cross at having to get up early but knew he couldn't say anything without revealing his dickheadishness so he started the "rave" instead to get his own back on you.

Is he normally this childish?

What a twat. He knew that would wake you.

It sounds like he had decided it was time for you to be up...regardless of how exhausted you are, or how little sleep you had.

DH took over nights on Fridays and Saturdays when DS was a similar age. He was formula fed, so a bit different.

I would be seriously tempted to write up a contract of what the expectations are for weekends, and get him to sign it. If it is in black and white then he has no room for manoeuvre?