Fed up with DH's lack of support with baby night/morning wakings! (Rant!)

[aphrodizzyac]

I am so so so sick of this injustice!

3 months in with PFB and I haven't had a single full nights sleep. Understandable, as I am still EBFing. However it's the lack of real willingness to lend a hand or give me some relief in the mornings.

He's never once got up during the night to help settle or change a nappy. During the early days when I was in a lot of pain and exhaustion from the birth the nights were especially lonely as I sat up in agony lifting baby onto my sore breasts. Would have been nice to have a bit of support then.

He does "help" on some days by taking baby downstairs in the morning, but will rarely do this at 6am when I really need it (e.g. Last night DS regressed to waking every 2 hours so I was and still am shattered) instead he'll be all like "I'm too tired, I need an extra hour or so". Despite having slept 11-6am with only minor wakings from hearing the baby monitor.

I get it, no-one wants to get up at 6am on a Saturday, pre-baby I would've killed anyone who tried to make me. But now I'd kill for that much solid sleep, and it's not as if I choose for DS to become wide awake at that time! DH does not work in a physically demanding job. Why should I bear the full burden?

When he does take DS for an hour or so, he'll complain about being tired afterwards and demand a long nap himself. Normally he'll say "I don't feel well" to justify this - funny how that always co-incides with having got up earlier than he wanted to... I say "I don't feel well either because I've had no proper sleep for 3 months!"

And he acts like I should be grateful for the hour or two extra that I got on those mornings, as if he's being so kind. Well it's not exactly a massive favour in proportion to what I've done every day and night for the last 3 months. By the time he took him this morning at 8am I'd already been awake for 2.5 hours so more of just a nap by that point really!

Sorry for the rant I'm just so tired and fed up I love DH but this is eroding away at our marriage. Even if I showed him this post I doubt he'd sympathise. AIBU with this rant?

And take no heed of fonda - things have changed a lot these days. My DS still feeds 3-4 hourly overnight and I don't plan on doing anything to change it. I give him what he needs, not fill him up on pointless water.

Is your baby in its own room? Just wondering as you said dh was woken by the monitor and thought it'd probably be harder for you to go to dc in another room than to just reachover for them.

Sorry if I misread

I also had this kind of shit behaviour and still do. I am still hugely bitter about the two weeks dp took as paternity leave where he did absolutely nothing to help me and in fact seemed to regard it as a holiday from work. The only break I had was when my mum came to stay and told me to go to bed and sleep for two nights whilst she took care of my dd. I have since then become more assertive but he is still a lazy selfish man.

When I was on ML with dc1 this is how dh and I worked it (dh starts work at 5am btw)

I ff so we alternated getting up through the night.

I saw looking after baby during the day as my 'job' while dh was out doing his job.

Both jobs end when dh came home so time when we were both at home with dc was 'joint parenting' time when we do 50/50 of the work.

All housework, cleaning, grocery shopping etc is completed fairly.

You dh sounds rather selfish.

I really struggle to muster any sympathy for the OP's poor, put-upon DH only getting 7hrs solid sleep a night and then having to go out to work
She's asking him to get up at 6am to take over after he's had a full nights sleep, not do all the night wakings. Even if he is a brain surgeon he should be able to "manage" on 7hrs.

YANBU

Mine were both EBF and although I never saw the point of dh getting up in the middle of the night, after the 5.30am breastfeed they were his until 8.30/9am so I could sleep. Yes it meant he never got a lie in but you know what, that was still a hell of a lot easier than what I was doing.

The first 6 months is about survival, later you can squabble about whose turn it is to watch CBeebies at 6am.

Yanbu.

And fond to let an 8 week old baby go without milk overnight is very wrong - nowadays the advice is to feed on demand and separate day and night very clearly (active during day light on etc / silent at night in the dark giving a feed) so they gradually learn day and night.

We did a lot of things differently in the 1970s. It doesn't mean it was right.

Op your dh should help in the mornings. There is no reason why he couldn't get up at 6 am with you and give you a hand..he's being a selfish arse.

(I have to be completely honest and say that sharing the night feeds with no excuses was one of the reasons I formula fed both of my dc from birth. Could you express so dh could give the baby a bottle? You need a block of sleep!)

FlossyMoo - women did not put up and shut up - at least my friends and I certainly did not.......but childbirth and the first few weeks were certainly regarded as our responsibilities. I think it somehow has fallen apart now that women are discharged so early from hospital after birth. We were kept in maternity units for 10 days and then went home with the babies. They often went through the night from then on as they had been taken to a night nursery so we could all sleep. Visitors were only allowed for one hour in the afternoon and then again for one hour in the evening. That also meant the husbands had ten days to have good sleeps before we arrived home!! So when we did arrive home, the feeding was pretty much established - we had rested plenty and the babies were in a good routine. All my daughters and daughters in law have been sent home far too early , feeling exhausted and worried about the feeding routines and this has fallen to the husbands to pick up the pieces.
I see many young husbands now who are just as exhausted as the mothers.....falling asleep in meetings.......driving home to "takeover" from mothers who have all day at home who have plenty of time to nap or catch up - particularly with the first baby. If both parents are going to work then it is a different kettle of fish.

I've never posted before, but I could have written this almost word for word! I know your pain!

Poor menz. Those lazy mare mums, sat on their arses all day should have been sleeping. Back in my day . . .

Well, those days are gone. It doesn't matter how it was in the past, this is now.

I went out to work, DH, who is more than a little younger, stayed home and we shared it all out when I got home because we chose to have a family together and when you do that, you buck up and pull your weight like an adult.

If I found out my own son was treating his wife like this OP's, I'd be round to kick his arse into shape myself.

Fond The OP's baby is 3 months old not a new born.

Also I don't think the OP is asking her DH to get up every night she is only asking for a decent sleep at some point in the week just like he has.

You took sole care of the children you and your husband made together because society dictated that you should. Most men did very little childcare 30 years ago and rightly society has evolved and puts more emphasis on taking care of children being BOTH parents responsibility.

You were happy to do everything and rely only on your DH only for an income, fine it worked for you but that is clearly not working for the OP.

Fondsharing that wouldn't have been helpful if I was OP. not all babies are ready to go 8 hours at 2 months old - night feeds are actually important for brain development, yes babies survive without them and turn out OK but it's not good for them and isn't at all recommended. Having a list of expectations for when your baby should sleep through the night is silly and stressful. Babies are different some sleep through at 2 days old some still don't at 2 years old.

Far better for both parents to raise their kids than force a young baby to go hungry.

Op u only have one baby yes? Can u catch up on sleep during the day? And there is any way that u can feed the baby shortly before 6 as a kind of dream feed,then if he can wake later in the am your dh can take over.agree that it would be easier if u co sleep,then u don't really have to wake up when baby wants to feed,just roll over.as well don't think is fair what someone said up thread,when the dh comes home all housework etc are shared 50-50...if one parent is home all day what is his/her duty then,play with the baby all day and change nappies? Obv mot a popular view here,where all mothers are martyrs.and what's the point of mum waking up to feed the baby and her dh waking as well to keep her company??you cant sleep so your dh cant as well?my dh always helped,but some things were definitely my duty,such as night waking.now they are older he deals with the odd night time issue without i have to nag him about it.but when they are little all they need at night is the breast imho.

Hello OP

You need to be firm with him and remind him that he is a parent too.
My dh had various jobs going when our dc were babies and with each one he did what he could, my lie ins were a day during the week as he worked at weekend or needed sleep as did long distance driving.
He should be doing much more than he is, he too should be tired much of the time.

Yanbu of course - my dh has a demanding job and still does every early morning to give me a break

One thing I will say that may help on a practical level is that now I'm on dc 2 I can see how important it is to sleep in the day or it least lie in bed watching a DVD while cuddling the baby

Women with baby number 1 tend to make too many plans! I know I did - it's absolutely vital that you rest

But that aside of course you need sleep - a Daytime nap can never fully compensate for hours of lost sleep

Tell your partner that he is in charge from 6am every morning - and both of you need to remember this doesn't last forever

What does your dh think will happen if you have a second? Who will get up at six with the toddler when you have been up at night with th baby?

Children tend to get up early for the first few years so you need to get him used to tht ASAP!

Ps agree about co sleeping it does help

I think you need to talk to your DH. You need to explain how you feel agree a system. I did all of the night feeds but would go to bed with dd at 7. DH complained that he never saw me but it was the only time I could sleep. He agreed that he would get up early at the weekend on one day and looked after dd during the day on Saturday and Sunday so I could have an afternoon nap. I'd then stay up later and we'd have some time together. My DD never napped for longer than 45 minutes when she was little and that was only if I held her. There was no way I could catch up with my sleep in the day because I couldn't put her down and if I did and started to fall asleep she would wake up screaming and I would feel even more groggy. One day, when she was 6 months I lay on the floor next to her whilst she played and fell asleep. I woke to find that she had climbed onto the settee . It's hard in the early days but it does get easier. You just need to work as a team. Easier said than done I know.

Have you been open and honest with him about how you feel? Some men will try and get away with the bare minimum, unless given a bit of a shake-sounds like that is what he needs. Do not say nothing or this will turn to resentment. Ideally you should not have to say anything to DH and he should volunteer his help, but your DH won't so you need to make your discontent known.

Way to get through this time of 'survival' is to look after each other - the rest will follow. Remind him of this as he is behaving very selfishly.

With both mine when they were little and breastfed, the deal has been DP gets to sleep at night, but he gets up with them in the mornings. That way I can at least get an extra couple of hours.

If your DH wants he can go to bed at 10pm and sleep through til 6am. I would expect him to give you at least an hour between 6am-7am every day, and at least until 8-9am on weekends.

My baby is 3 months old too but has thankfully slept through since 7 weeks. My other two were the same. All were/are EBF. My first was a difficult baby and DH never got up during the night. Tbh I did not see the point of both of us being knackered. I booted DH off to the sofa bed and I co slept with baby. Lasted almost a year, but it was the only way both of us to get sleep and baby to be happier. During the night I BF on my side with both of us lying down. 2nd one I co-slept just a few weeks. This baby is very chilled and I have not needed to co-sleep.

DH still doesn't "do" nights (even though I normally work full-time) but he lets me sleep in at the weekends (not so much an agreement, but I refuse to get up before 9, sometimes later). I then give him a break during the a few hours at the weekend so he can nap. I take all the kids out Saturday afternoon and he takes them all out Sunday morning.

I try not to engage into battles of who is most tired and who deserves most sleep but you need to figure out something that works for both of you.

Good luck!

youwish - my husband stayed awake at night to keep me company during the feeds as that was his way of supporting me. I never asked or expected him to do it but he did because it was his way of showing me that even though I was doing the feeding we were a team and he wanted me to know we were in it together. It was so wonderful of him and I'll always have the lovely memories of us just sitting in bed together watching Box Sets through the night and into the morning whilst DS was feeding.

I feel for you OP, my baby is nearly 5months (21 weeks) and EBF, he is an incredibly demanding baby who doesnt reliably go any length of time without a feed and wont take a bottle unless its me giving it to him so I can never be that far away!

I dont expect my DH to get up with me in the night as he does have to work the following day, in return, he does nearly everything around the house, when I was getting very little sleep he would stay up later with the baby so I could get a few hours, and at the weekends he does pretty much everything baby related apart from feeding and night waking. He makes me a sandwich every night to have for lunch the following day in case im pinned to the sofa by rabid baby.

Sometimes its not just the sleep, its the support, you need to know he is on your team!

Ignore fonda, that 50s vortex is bound to close again in a minute.

OP, when I was on mat leave DH took the view that during the day I was on duty with the baby, and he was on duty at work. When he got home, we shared. So I would feed, but he would walk the little tick round while I got some rest. I got naps in the mornings. Once or twice (when I could be persuaded out of martyr mode) he took the baby and some expressed milk so I could head to the spare room for a night's kip.

This is one of the many reasons he is still my very "D"H and not 'that selfish twat I married in a weak moment'.

You made that baby together so you shouldn't be on 24-hour duty. He is NOT doing you a favour by taking the LO (nice as it is) - he is DOING HIS FAIR SHARE.

YANBU, and unfortunately this is exactly how my DP was. The only solution was to leave my LO with him for a full day and night and then he got a taste for the reality. Now is grateful of what I do.