To not want to put 7mo DS in a nursery?

[MistletoeBUTNOwine]

Dp thinks it would 'be good for him to develop his social skills'
DS is 7mo ffs, he's a happy friendly little baby, he sees people daily, has a big sister. We do all sorts
With him
I think (in an ideal world) up to at least 3 that a little one should to be cared for by mum/dad or relTive or friend.
I'm on mat leave til January, and then I'll be working 2 days to dp's 3. We don't NEED outside help.

If anyone can point me in the direction of 'evidence' about how nurseries are not great environments for babies I'd be grateful.

Not intending to cause offence
I know people put babies in nursery, but I don't want to.

I agree, I think if all parties are happy with it it is wonderful for little ones to be with their parents all day. Surely M&T twice a week plus visit friends could fulfil this same thing. If it is that he wants him to get used to be looked after by other adults then maybe a date night once or twice a week with a reliable babysitter?

No, he honestly thinks it will help him develop. Even said that if he doesn't go to nursery DS will become introvert, shy and withdrawn.
I've told him the opposite is true, DS is sociable and smiley both with strangers and friends precisely BECAUSE he's secure in the knowledge that one of us is right there.

As well as my strong feelings on why it's a bad idea, logistically it wouldn't work as DS is still bf and a bottle/formula refuser. I've happily let 2 trusted friends look after him for a few hours here and there to give us a break, it's not that I feel the need to be constantly welded to him, I just feel that nursery is ridiculous at this age and where there's no need!!

Steve Biddulph's 'Raising Babies'?

My DDs (now teens) were looked after by me most days as babies and my mum for 1-2 days a week. I'm a shy introvert and struggle socially. My DDs have never been like me. They have always had loads of friends, can talk to adults easily, will happily stand up and speak in public etc. it has nothing to do with nursery and everything to do with self confidence and security. If they feel loved and secure and valued, they'll be fine. Your DS may turn out introverted but that would just be the way he is, nothing to do with whether he went to nursery or not.

Is your DH suggesting nursery because he is worried about looking after him on his own while you are working?

There is absolutely nothing wrong with being an introvert. We need introverts. Introverts can be friendly and smiley. Introverts do some things a lot better than extroverts.

"some of the most successful or admired people, of past and present, are introverts. Take Abraham Lincoln, Eleanor Roosevelt, Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein. Or Bill Gates, Larry Page and Steve Wozniak. And how about Michael Jordan, Roy Rogers, Steven Spielberg and J.K. Rowling? Let's also not forget other industry giants such as investment magnates, Warren Buffett and Charles Schwab, publishing tycoon Katharine Graham, and Douglas R. Conant, CEO of Campbell Soup. The list goes on. Studies reported by Jennifer Kahnweiler, author of The Introverted Leader: Building On Your Quiet Strength, show that a full 40 percent of executives are introverts."

(www.americanexpress.com/us/small-business/openforum/articles/5-reasons-introverts-make-better-leaders/)

You need to show your DH that TED talk about introverts.

Your dp is wrong but Agree your dp maybe be worrying about the days he's in charge.
Our ds is 2 and we are just about to put him in nursery a morning or two to help him develop socially etc and feels like the right time.
My dp looked after ds on the days I worked from around 9 months and although it was a slow start ( took dp 3 days to manage to get themselves up out and to the shops- but ds was a Velcro baby) it has worked well. Does your dp spend alone time at home with dc - we/I eased dp in by me regularly doing a exercise class Sunday early evenings for a while - I was gone for about 2 hours and dp would have to do ds tea etc (I would be home by bedtime) think it got him used to it. I imagine up til now you have been the main carer. I think it might be time for subtle man management to get your dp ready for childcare
Dp and ds have a brilliant relationship now and dp wouldn't give it up for the world but he had to build his confidence up.

Plus continuing to BF on demand gives both you and him lifetime health benefits.

Could it be that DP doesn't want to look after his son all day on his days off and is jumping on this as a reason rather than coming out and saying it?

The oliver james book (psychogist, not everyone on mn likes him) says ideally at home until 3 or next best nanny or next best childminder. At 3 it changes and there's benefit from preschool.

I took mine to parent and toddlers, out and about... I was even eligible for 2 yr funding (husband made redundant) but thought it in my child's best interest to wait until 3 ( or in this case nearly 3)

If your partner would rather not do childcare yoi could find a childminder and build up a relationship with them..

Nursery is generally not thought to have any benefit until at least 2 years old, possibly 3.

Your DH sounds absolutely bonkers. Nurseries for children that age exist for children of working parents - not to develop babies' social skills.

As, a few years back, very few babies were in nurseries, and very few older children were in nursery schools at 3, where on earth does he think all the extrovert adults come from. If he would rather not provide childcare on the days you are working, perhaps he should say so.

Both my DC spent half the week at nursery and half with DM when they were that age. Nursery was absolutely fine, but I think they had a better time with DM (because of the greater ratio of adults to children apart from anything else!) I could see the benefit for a three-year old maybe who needs to start getting ready for school but not a baby.

Watching with interest, also thanks for the book refs star, stripy and spoony

Yes, thanks for the book refs; I've ordered raising babies from amazon

Never considered he might be worrying about looking after dcs alone... Will ask him if that's what this is about!

I put DS in nursery at 5 months, 2 days a week.

I didn't have to - DH doesn't work and he could have stayed at home with him but it's worked really well.

DS is now 2.5 and is incredibly social, independent, out going and very advanced with his language etc.

Whether that's down in part to nursery or just how he is or down to how he's been parented the other 5 days a week I couldn't tell you. But I do feel nursery has been a positive for him.

But if you don't want him to go to nursery yet, then don't send him. 7 months is young and it's not like 7 months old sit around debating current events with their friends at nursery. DS certainly gets a lot out of it now

I do think it sounds like your DH is worrying about how he will cope on his own.

If you don't need to put him in Nursery, then don't bother. I have social kids, one went to MIL as daycare (he's fine not most social and now an adult) Second on went straight into school at 5 had been home with me till then, with two days at a childminder each week from 18 months (he's the most social of all mine and now 20)
Youngest never went to nursery or childminder, straight into school at 5.5 years still in junior school and a very smart social child.
7 months old in nursery to make him more social is a load of bull in my opinion. If he doesn't want to look after his own child he needs to be honest with himself and you about it, and not make excuses trying to make you think he's only looking out for his childs future.

I'd agree with your DH if your child was a 2 and a half or 3year old, but a baby as young as yours doesn't need to be in nursery.

I am a big believer in the benefits of early years education, but I prefer pre schools to nurseries. Your DP needs to explain his thinking if he's going to push for this, and he will need to educate himself on child development.

Oh dear you have waited too long! 7 months is the developmental stage when children get separation anxiety and is just about the worst time for them to start nursery. I have seen this and, though the other children seem unaffected by their distress, I would not put my child through it.

If only parents realised that nursery doesn't have to be full time, though whole days are useful. The best developmental stage to start, for perhaps a couple of days a week, is 5 months when they are sitting up and, for the first child, finding home a tad boring - then nursery has the Wow factor! OK they get tired but little ones sleep to solve that issue. If they know nursery then the 7m anxiety should not kick in (or be milder as it is harder to worry over something familiar). The other big factor - the one that dare not speak its name - is that attractive, charming young children get positive reactions and approval everywhere they go. Sadly unattractive, glum children do not. If your child is likely to be in this category you do need to work harder to get the staff to see him/her in his/her most animated and delightful mode! Be really friendly to the staff and make up some story about a scary experience and if they could look out for him. That way s/he will have a good start at least and hopefully get on a positive spiral. Talk to other parents collecting their children - people see things and might tell you what they observed... Ideally they run in without needing to say goodbye in the morning and run out eager to show you what they have made/tell you some news in the evening.

If I didn't have to send my son to nursery (at about 19 months) I wouldn't have. It hasn't harmed him, he's 10 now and great. But I think it's better for babies to be with their parents if possible or a good childminder with a few other children. It was a very good nursery too but a lot aren't. I agree that your DP needs to read a book and get some confidence. Be great if he could meet up with other dads with babies on the days he has your dc.

My boy went to nursery one day a week at 13 months and it has definitely helped him develop. If I didn't have to work and could afford it I would certainly keep him in there one day a week. He gets a lot out of it.

I think you are perfectly right. I shall give you an anecdote (so clearly not evidence) DS started pre-school at 2, (at DHs insistance as I believe children should be at home until 3) he was too young to socialise and struggled to intergrate he is now 8 and still only has 1 child he considers a friend and is nervous with people. I kept DD at home till 3 and despite having s speech delay she is confident and will talk to anybody now she is almost 5.

Your partner isn't right. Kids actually learn their social skills (empathy, consideration) first from adults. Yes it's important to practice these skills on other kids but kids learn better when they feel safe and secure so a mum and toddler group is ideal for this as your son can explore in safety knowing you're right there. In any case before one the most important thing your son is learning is that he is loved and safe, and how to crawl,walk and understand language. None of this requires constant interaction with other babies.

My son is 2.5 and just beginning to outgrow the toddler groups so he'll be going to a nursery three mornings a week, as I feel he's ready he's incredibly sociable, confident and outgoing.

More anecdotal "evidence" here...

Before I had children, and when my first was a baby I agreed with your dh. Mainly because of my own experience of having a sahm and finding starting school, being away from her for the first time, incredibly traumatic. I wanted my children to be secure with being left and get used to the fact that I always come back for them before they were old enough to know different.

DS started nursery at 8 months - only a couple of half days. Built up slowly to 3 days by the time he was 2. It was fine for him but I can't say that he developed social skills from it. He enjoyed it though and has happy memories of nursery.

DD1 started nursery at 13 months - it was much more difficult to leave her because of breastfeeding, she never took expressed milk and was much clingier to me than DS. She hated nursery to the point where i thought I'd have to give up work...then she settled and she too has happy memories of nursery. She is not a confident child though, doesn't go into new situations easily and still (starting school in September, about to turn 5), prefers to be with me and misses me when apart. She socialises well in small groups of people she knows well but just isn't a big group person.

DD2 has never been to nursery, we just couldn't afford it and I am now a SAHM (was part time until her birth). She is 2 1/2. I'm about to send her to playschool 2 mornings a week just for a couple of hours. She socialises well at groups with me, doesn't cling to me, goes off and plays. She is keen to go to playschool, she actually asked to go, and I think she understands that I won't stay.

I think it is personality more than anything else but having read more about attachment theory (google, you might find something to show dh), I do believe that children are most secure when allowed to separate in their own time. I don't think dc4 will go to nursery either.

You might want to read up on bowlby and attachment theory. In a nutshell if child is able to be with primary caregiver for first two years it can help with a secure attachment. Securely attached children are more likely to have better self-esteem, social skills, experience less emotional issues etc.

Developmentally children under 2 are egocentric and think the world revolves around them and aren't ready to develop friendships with other children till they are older.

I like you don't need to send my DS to nursery as me and DH are both going to work part time. I'll think about sending DS for social development after 2 years of age.