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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to put 7mo DS in a nursery?

52 replies

MistletoeBUTNOwine · 30/08/2014 05:54

Dp thinks it would 'be good for him to develop his social skills'
DS is 7mo ffs, he's a happy friendly little baby, he sees people daily, has a big sister. We do all sorts
With him
I think (in an ideal world) up to at least 3 that a little one should to be cared for by mum/dad or relTive or friend.
I'm on mat leave til January, and then I'll be working 2 days to dp's 3. We don't NEED outside help.

If anyone can point me in the direction of 'evidence' about how nurseries are not great environments for babies I'd be grateful.

OP posts:

Waltonswatcher · 30/08/2014 12:53

At least when you send them somewhere you can blame someone else . I've been a sahp to my three for 15 yrs . All their crappy traits and personality glitches are my fault !

Castlemilk · 30/08/2014 12:54

At 7 months - no way unless I had to!

Your DH is barking.

Point him in the direction of research on attachment. At this age, the absolute best thing for your DS is to be with his primary caregiver, all the time.

leeloo1 · 30/08/2014 14:32

The effective provision of pre-school education report says that good group care benefits children from about 2.5 upwards, but that

[[http://www.ioe.ac.uk/RB_Final_Report_3-7.pdf High levels of ‘group care’ before the age of three
(and particularly before the age of two) were
associated with slightly higher levels of anti-social
behaviour for a small group of children when
assessed at age 3. This effect was largely
restricted to children attending Local Authority and
Private Day nurseries where substantial numbers of
children attended from infancy onwards.]]

WhatsMyAgeAgain · 30/08/2014 16:23

My son starts next week at 10 months, and honestly I think he was ready 2 months ago. He needs more stimulation, engagement, entertainment than I can give him- and we go to groups all day. I'm fed up of him by dinnertime, tearing my hair out at bedtime and dreading the next day.

He's had a couple of nursery days, and I've missed him and he's still adjusting to being apart from me, but he's so happy in the evening now. Those hours before bed are just lovely. He's a bad eater and sleeper and I know that nursery will help improve things.

I honestly think that even if I wasn't returning to work, I would look to putting him in nursery, at least for a couple of mornings a week.

OlderMummy1 · 30/08/2014 16:31

Definitely read the book Raising Babies. It convinced me to not put my children in nursery until 3.

Purplepoodle · 30/08/2014 18:55

Perhaps your dp is looking the day to himself to get stuff done while ds is in daycare

Pishedorf · 30/08/2014 20:20

YANBU for not wanting to use a nursery if you don't have to but YABU for asking for evidence that nursery is harmful on a parenting website where plenty of people have no choice but to use nursery/CM from young ages and YABU for saying nursery is ridiculous at that age.

pointythings · 30/08/2014 20:35

If you don't need to put your DS in nursery for work reasons, don't. And I say this as a lifelong fan of good nursery care - my DDs were both in nursery f/t from 6 months (no 39 weeks of paid mat leave back then).

They absolutely thrived, but why put your child into childcare when you absolutely don't have to? From 3-ish that would make sense.

IsChippyMintonExDirectory · 30/08/2014 20:42

More anecdotal evidence... DD went into nursery at 9 months old, took a good couple of months to settle in. She's now 15 months and extremely outgoing, she talks to anyone and everyone and is a joy to take out on public. I know it comes with getting older anyway but I know nursery has helped her come on leaps and bounds. She also loves it there now and I have to drag her away. I do put her confidence down to being at nursery, and I'm not ashamed to say that I very much want her to be confident. I was a painfully shy child and still can be as an adult and I feel being shy creates a lot of boundaries, especially as a child.

Having said that I know nursery isn't for everyone and you have to feel comfortable with leaving them at such a young age so YANBU OP.

daisydee43 · 30/08/2014 20:42

i thought the day nurseries seemed too institutionalised so we went for a cm. she has 2 other kids her age and really loves it. think its nice that she has a change from me all the time and cm teaches her well but agree nurseries arnt for everyone

hollie84 · 30/08/2014 20:48

7 month olds don't need to socialise. There's a study done by Penelope Leach (and others) comparing nursery, childminder and grandparent day care and found that although nurseries offered a wider range of activities, childminders and grandparents provided more positive interactions and secure relationships - and of course relationships are much more important than activities to babies.

Justgotosleepnow · 30/08/2014 20:49

If it's your instinct not to put her in nursery then don't. Your DH is wrong, sorry.
Look up attachment theory. It's been around for decades. Basically the baby needs to form a strong attachment to their primary care giver (usually mother) before they can learn other stuff. Babies don't socialise til after 2 anyway.

Why won't your DH listen to you? What makes him think he's right on this one? I'm puzzled.

LapsedTwentysomething · 30/08/2014 20:54

Feeling a bit shit about being a FT WOHP who has no choice but to send 22mo DS to nursery for three full days. Ho hum.

Summerisle1 · 30/08/2014 20:55

The best developmental stage to start, for perhaps a couple of days a week, is 5 months when they are sitting up and, for the first child, finding home a tad boring - then nursery has the Wow factor!

I'm actually struggling with this a bit. I have no issues with nurseries at all but I cannot ever recall looking at my dcs (or indeed my dgds) at 5 months old and realising, with horror, that such an appalling ennui had settled in that that they were clearly thoroughly bored with home. Does boredom really set in at quite such a young age?

I don't think YABU, OP if you feel that you don't want to put your 7 month into nursery. Nursery almost certainly can have a great effect on confidence but waiting a bit longer isn't going to damage his future sociability and development.

Mim78 · 30/08/2014 21:00

No benefit in putting a 7 mo in nursery unless you need to. I need to put my ds in nursery at that age next month to go to work so sure it would not harm him, but what a waste of money!

Babies don't really learn social skills at that age IMO. Fine to get him used to other adults by getting a babysitter sometimes etc but no need for nursery.

Zippidydoodah · 30/08/2014 21:02

What pishedorf said. I'm now doubting my decision to put my dd into nursery instead of childminder when she's 9 months. My others went to childminder but for a few reasons this one isn't.

pointythings · 30/08/2014 21:02

Lapsed apart from the fact that mums always feel guilty about something, why? My DDs were in nursery 5 days a week from six months old. No family nearby and I needed childcare that wouldn't let me down if the (one) carer was off ill. Simple as that.

They were in a brilliant nursery - they do exist, you know. Both my DDs had the same key worker from 6 months through to when they left to start school. They have always been confident, outgoing children and they do very well academically too. Nursery worked very, very well for them.

It's different if nursery doesn't suit your child and you have no other choices - that must be very hard.

badbridesmaid · 30/08/2014 21:03

The book How Not To F**k them Up by the psychologist Oliver James emphasizes the benefits of 1:1 familiar caregiver over nursery.

Iggi999 · 30/08/2014 21:10

Bad bridesmaid - that book is push.

Iggi999 · 30/08/2014 21:11

Pish, even! (My spell checked has a cleaner mouth than me)

rallytog1 · 30/08/2014 21:14

Well, all children are different and all parents are different, and all nurseries are different. There's no universal formula for the 'ideal' balance, because there are so many variables.

Anecdotally, my dd went to nursery 3 days pw at 9mo. She absolutely loves it and everyone who knows her can see the benefits it's giving her personality, intelligence and general happiness. But, she was always a very non-cuddly child who liked having her own space and discovering things for herself. She would never go in a sling, sleep on me or tolerate being in my arms for more than about 30 seconds. Although there have never been any attachment issues, our bonding has always been very much on her terms. She was getting bored at home with me. At nursery she pretty much rules the baby room! I know what we've done is the best for her, and I don't need anyone to tell me whether I'm right or wrong. I can see the evidence with my own eyes.

If we have another dc, however, things may not be the same. We might need to consider a different approach to home, work and childcare.

The problem is there are so many self-styled experts out there these days, we mothers just can't win whatever we do, as there will always be an 'expert' to disagree with us. We all need to stop reading stuff and learn to rely on and trust our own instincts. We know our dcs best and can trust ourselves to do what's right for them.

badbridesmaid · 30/08/2014 21:18

Well, he does spin out a very simple idea over a very repetitive book.... but I think he explains the theory behind using 1:1 familiar care that the OP wants to show her DH. Or am I thinking of his earlier book How To F **k them Up? Hard to believe they are written by same author, earlier one is much more detailed, later one surprisingly fluffy.

hollie84 · 30/08/2014 21:18

There's probably no harm in nursery care for young children so long as the care is high quality, but no particular benefits over being at home with an engaged caregiver.

Pishedorf · 30/08/2014 23:47

Zippedy don't you worry. As this thread is full of anectodal examples my DD went in to nursery 3 days pw from 9-10mos as I had to go back FT for one year (DH and MIL had her one day pw each too). She's now 3 and both DH and I feel nursery has been absolutely brilliant for her. I'm not sure her being looked after by me alone would have been of benefit for her due to my raging PND. We chose nursery over childminder as I felt that was the right choice for us at the time.

Pishedorf · 30/08/2014 23:50

Lapsed don't feel guilty. I concur completely with rallytog's last paragraph. You are doing what you need to do for your family and your DC will be fine in nursery. :)

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