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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think nurseries are people's first choice?

130 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 29/08/2014 21:43

I have a 5 month old DS and today I sorted out his childcare for when I return to work. We have registered him with a childminder and for some reason I didn't even contemplate using a nursery.

However, it feels like in many MN threads (in differing topic sections) most children that are talked about are in nurseries as opposed to having a childminder.

Is nursery more 'the norm' now and am I depriving my DS of something by using a CM instead? There must be a reason why nurseries seem to be the preferred option for parents?

OP posts:
catkind · 29/08/2014 23:47

We chose nursery for first child. We didn't trust our judgement on CM's, and needed childcare to be reliable for work. We booked it when DS was very small and we had little clue to be honest, and then it was just done and we didn't think about looking at other options.
We were a bit disappointed with that particular nursery, and the one we preferred doesn't take them till 2. Also for second child we were working more part time and more flexibly so CM was a more attractive option. DD's CM is amazing, DD is so happy there we didn't move her to nursery when we could and not sure if we will before school at all.

Bulbasaur · 29/08/2014 23:48

MN has a certain demographic of people. For people in this particular demographic, nurseries may be the norm.

Childcare is just a choice. There's good and bad quality of care no matter which you choose, so it's important to chew references and reviews before choosing any form of child care.

massagegirl · 29/08/2014 23:50

Childminder was my choice. You need to shop around for one you like and trust. My little one loves going there. I have worked in nurseries and visit a lot in my current job and baby rooms always make me feel a bit sad. I think once they are 2+ nursery is good option.

EmeraldLion · 29/08/2014 23:52

We have a cm. Personally I would never use a nursery and would probably have given up work first had there been no other options.

Purely because you have no say, whatsoever, in who is looking after your child. It's all very well for the nursery to have policies and activities and great menu's and all the rest...but day to day, you don't get to choose who is responsible for them. You may strike lucky and get the 'key worker' with 20 years experience, who's fantastic in every way. Or you may get the 17 year old who's never been around young kids in their life. Or you could get a different person every day, as staff have holidays and change jobs, which I've always thought must be very unsettling for the children.

Cm every time for me.

catgirl1976 · 29/08/2014 23:57

Pretty even split between the people with children I know

I went for a nursery for my own reasons. Lots of people, DSis included prefer the CM route

raspberryripple43 · 30/08/2014 00:17

My dcs are well past the nursery stage now, and like a lot of mum's on this site I really wondered what is best. This is an old article, but as far as I am aware the research has not been discredited (I'm sure someone will tell me it has though!) . It offers a very interesting perspective. people should read it, and then consider their opinion. www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2010/oct/02/nurseries-childcare-pre-school-cortisol For what it's worth, i did send my ds to nursery briefly, and I wasn't impressed. However, I accept that I happened to have a particularly wonderful nanny. Like any childcare, it very much depends on who is delivering it. I understand the point of view that decrees nursery is safer because there are more checks. But likewise, there is the possibility of emotional neglect as discussed in article

PhaedraIsMyName · 30/08/2014 00:30

I never considered a nursery or a childminder.. My choice was a nanny who worked only for us. I'm not sure what I would have done if I couldn't have afforded a nanny. Probably a nursery as there are several within a few minutes walk.

PhaedraIsMyName · 30/08/2014 00:39

Call me naive but I imagine that if nannies were a more affordable option, they'd probably be the most popular

It seemed to me by far the best option of having my son looked after in his own home. Our nanny took him to nanny group, tumble tots, swimming, ballet so he still met lots of other children. He started at the nursery attached to his primary school when he was 3 but that was just a couple of hours per morning and the nanny took him and collected him. It wasn't cheap and there is employer's NI to pay on top of salary.

Snapespotions · 30/08/2014 00:44

We chose to have a nanny too, but again, it's only the best option if you find someone you really like and trust. I know plenty of parents who would choose nurseries over nannies because they think it's safer. It's all down to trust.

MoominKoalaAndMiniMoom · 30/08/2014 00:45

raspberry I'm in dissertation year and can't take the risk of CM being ill and not having childcare. Nursery is open 51 weeks of the year.

raspberryripple43 · 30/08/2014 00:55

Moomin I get that, I really do. In a sense, you answer the OP's question - parents clearly prefer nursery for their perceived reliability. However, I think for children, nannies or good CMs are probably better. What I find interesting, and I think this is what the OP was getting at, is that so many mums actually believe that nursery is the 'better' option - when most experts say it isn't (except of course for the over 3s).

What I believe is, babies don't need socialising. They need one or two consistent carers who will respond to their needs.

BertieBotts · 30/08/2014 01:05

In my real life experience everyone used nurseries (from NCT group) and they were quite suspicious and even tried to warn me off using a childminder!

The prevailing idea is that a childminder is just one person and you don't know what happens behind closed doors whereas at a nursery if one person was doing something badly or wrong there are others to pull them up on it or say something, and often CCTV and procedures which you wouldn't have in a private house. The other misconception seemed to be that childminders drag the DC all over to supermarkets and doctor's appointments and on school runs and don't have time to do anything at home with them, whereas nursery is a total fun fest all the time where it's child centred and they put on loads of activities etc. And the "socialisation" argument which I think is bonkers

For me I was happy to judge the "one person" thing based on gut feeling - I know not everybody is. Secondly although yes there were appointments and supermarkets and school runs DS did loads with his childminder and I liked the fact they went and did "normal" family type things as well.

I also think that the attachment thing is hugely important whereas other parents didn't seem concerned about it. Maybe they didn't know about the research or maybe my opinion is wrong and it isn't as important as I think it is.

Whiskwarrior · 30/08/2014 01:07

Surely it depends on the nursery, the CM and the child in question?

DD went to nursery from 5 months, when I went back to work. The nursery was on-site where I worked and was graded Outstanding by Ofsted every single time they went in - even when the standards changed and the drop-in visits started.

DD started in the baby room and spent almost 4 years there, doing 2 days per week. It was a fantastic place and I never had a single bad word to say about any of the staff or the way they ran things. DD loved it and thrived in their care. They moved groups up from one room to the next together and a member of staff moved up with them so they always had a familiar person.

These threads always get tiresome, with people sniffing at nurseries and laying on the guilt for people who have no choice.

The only reason a CM wouldn't have worked for me was because of sickness (in their case) and me not being able to work. I'm not going to start turning my nose up at people who use CMs or nannies, but nurseries always get a bit of a kicking on these threads.

What I believe is, babies don't need socialising. They need one or two consistent carers who will respond to their needs. Well, good for you. Guess what - DD had this, as did DS when he started there three years later. But you carry on with your looking down on nurseries Hmm

BertieBotts · 30/08/2014 01:07

Oh and I liked the fact a CM has children of different ages. In fact I'd pick a childminder over a nanny unless I had 3+ children for this reason.

raspberryripple43 · 30/08/2014 01:10

Bertiebotts yes! It used to make me laugh when one friend was moaning about her nursery minders taking the dcs for a trip to the shopping centre, because they should be doing 'fun' things lie waterplay all the time in the nursery, or going into the park. Really? from 8 till 6? Everyday? Children learn through playing with water and sand etc, but not just that. The normal stuff is really valuable too.

BertieBotts · 30/08/2014 01:10

It's true that some nurseries offer this, Whisk, but not all of them do. Not nursery bashing, just the way it is. Some parents don't like the idea of their baby attaching to a specific other person, for example. Maybe it suits some children better than others.

HaroldLloyd · 30/08/2014 01:13

Most nurseries have a separate area or section for babies under 2, ours is very quiet and calm.

I prefer a nursery as I had no CM under personal recommendation, I am self employed and covering their sickness and holiday isn't something I can easily do.

I don't read a lot of books, i do what's right for us, I can see why people use a childminder, but not for me at the moment.

I don't believe this will make any difference to my children in the great scheme of things. I think it's just personal preference based on what you think is right for you.

MrsMook · 30/08/2014 01:13

Rather irrational, but my house backed on to a childminder and she drove me round the bend. The children played out all day scrapping ride on toys over brick paving, and she had a limp voice "oh Louis, don't do that, oh Louis, I said Louis...no... " Not what I wanted to hear after spending my working day with other people's children. So I knew there was a very local childminder that I had no interest in using.

At the same time my friend had reliability issues with her CM with illness and short notice off work. I couldn't manage that disruption to my work.

I know that they're not representative of all CMs and a great CM does a fabulous job, but it made nursery my first port of call, and I was very happy with the vibe that I got at the first one. My DCs are sociable and I think the larger environment is better. Also when Ds1 had food allergies, the kitchen staff were great at managing his diet, and the staff were able to deal with the aftermath at the other end. We've got some other issues at the moment, and the way nursery can deal with that formally may have benefits should the issue continue into school.

Whiskwarrior · 30/08/2014 01:18

I get that, Bertie but all CMs and nannies aren't perfect either, are they? But I wouldn't come on here going 'oh, nurseries are all soooo much better than nannies'.

It's the implication that CMs and nannies are better - fact, when there's so much more to it than that. What's wrong with babies being with other babies? DD loved being with other babies/toddlers/staff - she was a happy, sociable child. Nursery suited her down to the ground, right from the off.

I don't like the superior attitude in some people that these threads always bring out, that's all.

FWIW, I didn't do any reading into which was best for baby. Work had a nursery, nursery was Outstanding and had a place when I needed it, I don't drive so would have struggled to get DD to one place then me to another, Health Visitor (I was also lucky enough to have a fantastic one of those too - shoot me for being very unMumsnetty!) approved my choice, so that's what I did. I did what I felt was best for my child.

I couldn't give less of a shit about what other people do for their childcare choices as long as they know their child is happy and well cared for. And it galls me when I think people are sniffing at my choices.

But hey, isn't that just this site all over? A chance for people to look down on others?

Whiskwarrior · 30/08/2014 01:20

Also, I do think that Granny fecking Murray from Me Too has given CMs a bad name! She only bothers with the children belonging to the main characters in the show - blatant favouritism!

whathaveiforgottentoday · 30/08/2014 01:26

My childminder is fantastic, but i think you need to do your research on childminders are they are not all as good and I have heard horror stories about CM's and nurseries. Childminder suits me as I don't need particularly long hours and i she offered half price for school holidays as I don't need child care during these, so CM worked out cheaper. I really think it depends on what you need.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 30/08/2014 01:44

To employ a childminder you need to be a good judge of character. I am not a good judge of character. (I think everyone is lovely.)

CheerfulYank · 30/08/2014 02:05

It really depends I think. On your child, and what your specific fears are. If you're afraid of your child being ill treated, a nursery seems better as there are more people around. If you worry more about your child being a "number" (for lack of a better way to explain it) you'd probably rather a CM. (Though I'm in the states and we say home or center based care, rather than CM or nursery.)

I've done both and decided if at all possible I wouldn't put my DC in care at all. I had to with DS (just mornings) and he was in a home daycare as that was all that was available. DD has never been in daycare.

I'm going to start childminding again this fall (just a few DC) so I'm reading this with real interest! :)

JustMarriedBecca · 30/08/2014 02:18

My mum was a childminder. She took time off teaching when we were young and it was brilliant having friends on tap to play with. My brother and both my parents went to one of her charges weddings two weekends ago almost thirty years later than when she childminded and my parents are away this weekend with the parents who became good friends of the family.

Saying that, I'm not sure I would use a childminder now as they are able to have more children in their care than I would be comfortable with.

CustardFromATin · 30/08/2014 03:07

I've said this on other threads, but my preference (and most of my friends') would be
Us (not possible)
Nanny (too expensive)
Great cm (hard to find)
Good nursery
Not so great cm
Not so great nursery

So lots of people end up at a nursery because of cost and availability. We had one bad cm experience but our current one is worth her weight in gold!