To tell my daughter to hit back.

[NacMacFeeglie]

We are in a temporary flat at the moment and my daughter plays with a group of kids here. One lad plays in the group and has taken a liking to hitting my daughter. He has punched her in the back. Hit her in the face. And kicked her in the ribs when she was tying her shoe lace as witnessed by the other children who all confirm she had done nothing to him.

With this latest one I decided it was time to see the mother. Usually I don't get involved but she was badly bruised and winded.

The mother immediately bit my head off and tried to tell me my daughter had two older boys hit her son. My daughter doesn't know any older boys at all or goes anywhere older boys would be. I told her that my daughter was the one with the bruises and that talking to the other children her son was the instigator. She called my daughter and I bitches and shut the door in my face.

I will not tell me daughter she is not to play with her friends because of this lad. So I have told her the next time he touches her she has my full permission to hit him back. This is not something I advocate but this is a rough area sadly and with the mother unapproachable I'm not sure what else I can do.

You would be very foolish to tell your daughter to hit back; it will escalate into a punch-up and she may get hurt. As it is temporary accommodation and you presumably will be moving on, keep your daughter away from this boy, and if he continues to hurt her contact community police.

I would call 101. However I can't for a minute condemn you for the decision you've made and I think it might teach this boy and his mum a bit of a lesson.

And if your Dd ends up smacking him one and you get his mum ranting on your doorstep, I suggest you reply 'Well yes I would have preferred it if you'd wanted to help sort it out, it would have been better for both of them, bit late now, so I'll just tell you what you told me- fuck the fuck off.'

I did karate after being beaten up at school. It was effective. Once I'd gained that confidence, I was able to hold down the arms of my attacker, stare them full in the face and tell them I was sparing them this time, but if they ever came near me again I would get them proper. This scared them and I never had any bother again.

I've seen fights where someone finally defended themselves and the other person got there friends involved and a baseball bat and rocks were brought. And the one defending herself lost, I have a feeling the family wouldn't back down. This will only get worse. Be the bigger person and walk away

Have you spoken to any of your neighbours to find out more about the boy and his family?

You are potentially putting your DD and even your family at risk without establishing their background. You say you came from a small village. I don't know where you are in Scotland but I currently have clients in Scotland in a deprived area. There are 'known' families that everyone avoids rather than crosses. Why? Because they do not adhere to most social codes of contact. They have had no hesitation in dragging adults along the ground and threatening them with bars and damaging their cars for much smaller infractions than DCs fighting. Yes, their victims could go to the police afterwards (if they weren't too frightened) but the damage is already done.

Make sure you are not blindly escalating this issue.

Its a tough one OP. I totally understand other posters saying to call 101 and your DD hitting back may make things worse, but in reality what can and will the police do? Have a bit of a word with the parents who probably don't give a shit and then it just makes things worse anyway

How many poor young children have taken their lives over bullying, and this is where it starts, the odd kick in the ribs here, a sly dig there. It wont stop unless something is done.

I am of the "hit back" brigade to be honest, 100%, its the only thing that may actually work, it it was the only thing that stopped my 7 years of bullying. However, if it is only temporary you living there I'd be more inclined to just keep your DD away from this lad.

I wouldn't tell her to hit, but she can do the blocks and get into his "space" and stay there - this may well be intimidating enough. She needs to intimidate him mentally, not physically. This will stop the hitting without escalation.

If you know karate you'll know you can lean into an opponent when they come at you and use your weight very subtly to bring them past their centre of balance, or to use a well placed bit of elbow pressure on a rib/inner thigh while protecting your own face etc - nothing overt like a punch - particularly as she is likely to knock him over if she does, this would inflame the situation.

I've had to do this to grown men in the past, they tend to leave you alone after that as too much trouble. The boy is unlikely to tell his mum he got freaked out by a girl if she uses bodyweight and space encroachment - but if she is seen hitting him then it could all hit the fan.

I think your daughter has every right to defend herself. If he hits or kicks her she needs to use his punch or kick to change his balance, put him on the floor -kick him in the balls - and come get you.

I was tormented for months by a boy at secondary school. I used to sit in the classroom reading and hoping he wouldn't find me. Evey time he did he teased me, got at me etc. One day I'd had enough. I snapped. I picked up my book and battered him with it, one thump for every word as I told him to go away and leave me alone.
There was a sort of stunned silence and then I got a round of applause from the rest of the people in the room. He left me alone after that.

Of course she can defend herself. I don't think anyone is saying your daughter should rock up and start punching this little shit in the face (although it'd serve him right). Personally I think anyone should feel they have permission to hit back the very first time they get assaulted, if they feel it is safe.
On a wider scale I think girls particularly are conditioned to please and this is a problem. Not saying your daughter is but I know I was a bit and even at a young age I knew this conditioning was wrong.
I think its important that girls particularly know they can say "no" and "stop" and that they have permission to be angry. For instance if someone hit you and you didn't feel able to hit back you'd feel entitled to shout "don't you ever touch me again" and mean it and believe it. I think self belief is a bit thing.
Sorry for tangent. Good luck with this problem family and take care.

Big thing not bit lol

This is no longer an issue. To my surprise I have been allocated a house! This means we will be moving in the next month. On that basis I will keep her away from him until we move

That's brilliant. Pleased for you and your DD. xx

Yes! Problem solved. Pleased for you

Wonderful news
Oh I told my boys they could hit back, I told them one good punch make it count. Only one of them ever did it, neither was bullied after being told they were allowed to hit back.

Fantastic news re the move. Fwiw I would have told my dd to hit back without hesitation. My rule was 3 strikes and you're out. Hit once you are asked not to do it again. Hit twice and you are told to keep away from my dc. Hit 3 times I tell your mum. After that my dc would hit back, I would inform the police and I would go out myself as often as needed to stop him doing it again.

I am so pleased for you but admittedly disappointed this lad wont get the smack in the mouth he deserves!!

Tell her to go for it, send the little shit flying, it won't do his reputation any good getting flattened by a girl!