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AIBU?

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Original poster

To tell my daughter to hit back.

92 replies

NacMacFeeglie · 28/08/2014 16:58

We are in a temporary flat at the moment and my daughter plays with a group of kids here. One lad plays in the group and has taken a liking to hitting my daughter. He has punched her in the back. Hit her in the face. And kicked her in the ribs when she was tying her shoe lace as witnessed by the other children who all confirm she had done nothing to him.

With this latest one I decided it was time to see the mother. Usually I don't get involved but she was badly bruised and winded.

The mother immediately bit my head off and tried to tell me my daughter had two older boys hit her son. My daughter doesn't know any older boys at all or goes anywhere older boys would be. I told her that my daughter was the one with the bruises and that talking to the other children her son was the instigator. She called my daughter and I bitches and shut the door in my face.

I will not tell me daughter she is not to play with her friends because of this lad. So I have told her the next time he touches her she has my full permission to hit him back. This is not something I advocate but this is a rough area sadly and with the mother unapproachable I'm not sure what else I can do.

OP posts:
Tikimon · 28/08/2014 17:35

Fighting back against bullies isn't like movies where you hit them and they back off. He'll likely hit back and they'll be in a fight until someone breaks them up. He could very well bring a baseball bat or friends next time.

Also, I mean this in the politest possible way, karate is a sport. It's designed to defend against other karate moves. There are rules in sparring and in tournaments your goal is to touch each other, not hurt each other. They stand a safe distance before going in to hit. In other words you have room to throw a punch or kick.

Real fights have no rules. They have no areas you are not allowed to hit. Even black belts have gotten seriously injured in fights.

If she's hesitant on hitting or hurting another child, I really wouldn't stack the odds in her favor against a child who obviously has no qualms about it. I'm not saying she'll lose, but don't rely on karate to give her a false confidence if she has no experience in a real fight. She has to be 100% committed to fighting it out if she chooses that route, because that's what will happen. A boy like that won't back down, he'll up the heat to save face.

Also, she's 8. They don't have the best judgement. What if she wins and then takes it too far and seriously hurts him?

Honestly, I'd call 101, file a report and stay outside and supervise her so she doesn't get hit. Just play phone games while she plays with her buddies. A little adult supervision never hurt anything.

needanew · 28/08/2014 17:40

yes she should hit back , bullies usually stop when someone hits back , i know i would if someone hit me .

MammaTJ · 28/08/2014 17:44

It worked with one bully for my DD. She is now a green belt in karate. She was a red belt then.

This girl was a lot bigger than DD and had been hitting her for a while.

She punched DD in the stomach and DD punched her right back with a good strong punch. The other girls cried, while my DD just smiled and said 'You won't do that again'. She hasn't.

Not so easy with another girl though, but that little madam will be 10 in January and I will be ringing the police every time she touches her from then on.

BookABooSue · 28/08/2014 17:49

I can see why you're upset but, from where you are, I'd be taking my DD somewhere else to play for a little while to let the situation calm down. I'd also chat to some of your neighbours to find out more about the family involved.

I have no idea how rough you're area is, but having lived in some rough areas, and worked in some, then there are some families that you just don't want to get involved in a long-running feud with.

tbh our rule for DS is that he can hit back if someone else hits first but since that's not been your rule and since you have been to the other mum's door and been given abuse, that's why I would be letting it calm down, and also giving your DD some opportunities to play without the threat of being hit.

KnackeredMuchly · 28/08/2014 17:50

I'd also tell her to hit back. Although I do agree about reporting it to 101 and asking for advice. I can't imagine they will tell you that your daughter will be disproportionate to hit him back in spite of her karate training.

I hope she makes him cry

WorraLiberty · 28/08/2014 17:51

Real fights have no rules. They have no areas you are not allowed to hit. Even black belts have gotten seriously injured in fights.

Exactly that ^^

It's good that she enjoys karate but it may give her a false sense of security, as I doubt most 8yr olds would fight by any kind of rules.

Original poster
NacMacFeeglie · 28/08/2014 18:03

I've spoken to her and told her the situation. That I have done all I can without getting in trouble with the police. That I could make her stay in or play somewhere else which upset her as she has a close friendship with the other children here. That she could ignore it or run away. Or that she could stand up for herself but could get hurt in the process.

She wants to stand up for herself. She just needed to know that it's okay to do so.

OP posts:
bloodyteenagers · 28/08/2014 18:10

I taught my dc's the same, punch back.

Let's put it this way. Imagine for a moment these are adults. What would you say to her? Would you tell her to try and protect herself or to continue to be a punching bag. Sometimes walking away isn't the only answer.

WorraLiberty · 28/08/2014 18:10

Don't any of the other children stand up for her?

Original poster
NacMacFeeglie · 28/08/2014 18:13

The other kids are a bit younger. One of the other lads stands up for her when he is there. He isn't always there though.

OP posts:
Original poster
NacMacFeeglie · 28/08/2014 18:16

I'm also going to push to be moved faster. We have never lived in a rough area before or even in flats. There have been other unrelated issues and I think I have good reason to request a move though how much success I will have I don't know.

OP posts:
Strokethefurrywall · 28/08/2014 18:27

I'm with you OP, I would tell her she won't get in trouble for defending herself.

I don't believe in violence for the sake of it, but I certainly would advocate my child defending themselves in this situation. Swift kick in the nuts should send him packing.

And same for his mother if she comes looking for trouble too...

WorraLiberty · 28/08/2014 18:27

Probably not much to be honest. Unless you have Police reports or your Doctor is concerned for your health.

Although maybe it depends on the availability where you are. Around here, they're screaming out for more council accommodation.

Original poster
NacMacFeeglie · 28/08/2014 18:31

I know worra but at least I might feel a little less useless. I private let for years but a set of circumstances meant I ended up going down this route.

I am about to start work full time however so there is the possibility of private renting in the future.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 28/08/2014 18:33

It's certainly worth a try.

Good luck and I hope this boy leaves your DD alone Thanks

Fluffyears · 28/08/2014 18:37

If his mum dies come to your door give her the same response she gave you. Bullies usually back-off when they get hit back as they aren't expecting it!

Anotherchapter · 28/08/2014 18:45

op don't tell her to hit back. If she injures him, you don't know if he will pick something up and use it on her ect.

My mum used to make me hit back which always resulted in a fight. She wouldn't let me back in the house until I'd faced up to them, which was me really hiding round the corner avoiding her and them. I wasn't a fighter but she was and firmly held the 'if they hit you, you hit them back'

It just carries on and on. It needs dealing with properly. Encouraging your kids to fight really isn't on.

By the way, I've had a fight with some one in school who did karate and I won. It's not a fail safe.

How would you feel if she hit him back and he broke her nose? How would she feel?

Anotherchapter · 28/08/2014 18:48

bloody if some one punched while I was out! I'd walk away and phone the police. I've seen too many fights result in deaths and serious injuries where I live. It's just not worth it.

icymaiden · 28/08/2014 19:02

just wondering what the police would do assuming you live in England where the age of culpability is 10?

Tikimon · 28/08/2014 19:06

just wondering what the police would do assuming you live in England where the age of culpability is 10?

In America they hold the parents responsible. The mother could get fined or charges pressed against her, much like if her dog bit someone. Not comparing children to dog, just how the law works in regards to personal responsibility. If your 3 year old broke something in the store, you'd have to pay for it wouldn't you?

MrsItsNoworNotatAll · 28/08/2014 19:27

Ohhh I so hear you, op.

There is a brat boy on this who has hit or kicked most of the other kids at one time or another, my girls including. It's unpleasant when your child(ren) coming in crying because a little shit has hurt them deliberately. So yeah, me and dh have told them if this brat hits or kicks them to do it back. Dd1 has done this on a few occasions and he's gone in bawling his eyes out. Tough shit I say, play nicely and don't start hitting or kicking or you'll have it done back to you.

Yesterday said brat was throwing stones at another kid and was told by a neighbour to pack it in but he denied doing it despite being blatantly seen doing it. Funnily enough all the other kids play reasonably well together when this child is not about but that's rare. Anyway after yesterday's stone throwing my two are not playing on the street for the rest of the holidays. There isn't long left and the nights will be drawing in so there won't be as much playing out.

Sorry I rambled a bit there! But I'm in favour of hitting back. I'd much prefer to keep them away from the little shit altogether but it's not possible.

WorraLiberty · 28/08/2014 19:29

If your 3 year old broke something in the store, you'd have to pay for it wouldn't you?

Not necessarily. I think it depends on whether the shop owner wants to take you to court or not.

Unless you're deliberately smashing up the shop, I don't think the Police get involved as it's not criminal.

BarbarianMum · 28/08/2014 19:42

Id tell her it's fine for her to defend herself because it is.

aprilanne · 28/08/2014 19:43

well if she were my child .i would tell her to hit back and hit back bloody hard .i spent my childhood .being bullied .because i was quiet .a bit tall for my age
and timid size is nothing to do with it .god my tormentors were shorter than me but vicous as hell .i have always told my sons .if someone hits you just hit back no questions asked .

Nomama · 28/08/2014 19:52

Good god, yes, do tell her she has ever right to defend herself, and that includes smacking him back to prevent him attempting a second strike.

I remember taking the moral high ground at about 6 years old - hitting was bad - then I smacked back and all hell let lose. My bullier cried to her mum who spoke to my mum who told her to fuck off and take her little bully with her.

The kid who threw a dart at my back, it stuck in me right over my spine - both our mums saw it happen... well, he had to run a very long way very quickly to avoid me. Sadly he wasn't quite fast enough and I punched him in the mouth. His mum was furious, I hurt him quite badly. But by the time she got his dad to come to our house I was in A+E - the dart was still stuck in my spine - so he got an real flea in his ear. There was no damage, but it made a really good story for years.

I have never understood how parents can tell a kid that when they are hit, kicked etc that they must just take it, no matter how much it hurts. Fuck that! The only rule is never hit first (and even then there are exceptions).

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