To think they should have come to the funeral?

[WelshMaenad]

Could write a novel with backstory, will try to be brief!

Have been with DH 9 years, married 5, two DC.
Lot of history with IL's being spectacularly self involved.
My mum died in April.
IL's live several hours away, visit 3x per year, no room here so generally they book a cheap motel. They are very financially comfortable, this is no hardship.
IL's Skype with us - generally DH and DCs and I'm just in the background - weekly on a Friday.

IL's did not attend my mums funeral. The more I stew on this, the more angry I feel. My sister's inlaws and GPILs all attended, and many people asked me where DH's family was, which was embarrassing. I feel that the gesture of attendance would have been appropriate for a co-grandparent, someone they had known almost a decade, who had welcomed them into her home, treated their son as her own. They sent me a sympathy card and have never mentioned her or her death since. My DCs were devastated by her death yet they never mention her to them.

My dad did not want the DC at the crem (they attended the church service) so DH took them for a lovely little gesture of remembrance in throwing flowers into the sea before meeting me at the wake. It meant that I was without his support at the crem which was really hard, and had they bothered to come they could have given us support in taking the DCs meaning I could have DH with me.

I don't know if my history of feeling let down by them is counting the situation, coupled with grief and depression, or if they were actually U not to attend and not even allude as to why.

I would think my PIL would come if say they were in the same town, just out of respect. To actively avoid attending, if under their noses, would be very impolite.

However, traveling 100's of miles, staying in hotels, getting flights (needed in our case) I wouldn't expect at all.

My IL's get on reasonably well but they are IL's to each other, not friends and while I would hope they would come if they could, I wouldn't have any expectations in relation to it.

I do think your very natural sadness about this has clouded the issue, but they sound a bit rubbishy too, and of course had they extended the hand of kindness even to ask a bit about the funeral, this would have been greatly appreciated.

I am so sorry for your loss. When my parents died I would have hated anyone to have felt they should be there and I took great comfort knowing that the ones who did attend wanted to be there although I admit some were noticeable by their absence which hurt. People handle death and grief differently, some find it very difficult to deal with and are almost embarrassed by emotion. When my DDIL grandparents died, I went to her maternal grandmothers service in support of her and this was appreciated by her own mother but when her paternal grandmother died I was given very strict instruction not to attend, which of course I accepted as each to their own and would not have wanted to intrude. Not everyone is comfortable with grief and think they are intruding. YANBU to assume they would have wanted to be there, if not for you but for their grandchildren. I see going to a funeral as a sign of respect for the living but I'm irish catholic and with no disrespect we do funerals almost a hobby. Don't let the focus of who attended the service cloud all your memories of what went on before.

Sorry about your mum.

I think YABU tho. My dad died in June, and neither of my sets of PILs (I have children by two different fathers) came, and nor would I have expected them to.

Sorry for your loss.

My parents did not attend FIL's funeral. Instead my mum and sister looked after some of the children for family that had travelled a long way. This meant more to the family as it meant they didn't have to have the children at the church/crematorium, but knew they were in safe hands rather than an unknown babysitter.

My mum got on well with ILs, but they didn't socialise together. As DH has a large family we tend to entertain the 2 sets of family separately except for Baptisms/communions etc.

As others have mentioned, I think this all depends on your family dynamics. Personally I would never expect my inlaws to attend the funeral of one of my family members, and vice versa.

I was speaking more in general terms about their complete lack of support rather than specifically about them not attending the funeral.

I'm very sorry for your loss, but funerals are sometimes tricky... I remember going to my BiL's mum's funeral, I was the only one from my sister's family who did, but I was the only one living close by (my mum lives 500 miles away), and it sometimes felt a little bit awkward, particularly as I was the one who looked after my 1 year old niece most of the time (the only gc), and people seemed to wonder who I was! Thinking back, I think my sister asked me to come, so that she could concentrate on her husband, and I could take DN out if she got tired etc...

Sometimes, I do think you have to ask for help...

I'm very sorry for your loss, losing a parent is difficult no matter what your age.

Going from my background, I can see where you're coming from but then with me/my culture everyone goes to the funeral. Not always because they knew the deceased and wanted to pay their respects, but you would go to support the person who has been bereaved, to acknowledge their loss and grief.

For example when my Dad died my sisters work colleagues drove 3 hours to attend even though they'd never met Dad. It was to be there for her if she needed it.

I'm sure there are people reading that thinking that they were being intrusive, but it would be the norm in my home town. As would be people offering help and not waiting to be asked because they know that your head is all over the place at that time.

I wonder if that's more what you're angry about? That they had a chance to be supportive and it didn't occur to them to even offer, that it feels like your grief is being ignored.

But then; no offence I find some people in this country very odd when dealing with death, and grief. I hate that 'must carry on' and don't mention the deceased attitude very hurtful, oh and the idea that there is a time limit on your grief.

Sorry rambling a bit there.

Not sure - ILs don't sound too nice - mine are also very self absorbed -

but attending the funeral if it was at some distance for them really go depends on whether they actually knew your parents well which isn't made clear -

what I do think is odd (if they are in good health and had no other crucial plans) was that they did not offer to perhaps come to look after the children given that it would be a busy and stressful time etc

OP you've had very good advice from some people. MagratsHair is someone who stands out but there have been others. I am very sorry for your loss.

But I am bemused by this statement from WellnowImFucked:

^no offence I find some people in this country very odd when dealing with death, and grief. I hate that 'must carry on' and don't mention the deceased attitude very hurtful, oh and the idea that there is a time limit on your grief.

I am English and one of three siblings. Our approach to the very recent funeral of our mother was different for us because we are different people. But I don't recognise the above at all.

I get sick of the cliched British or English-bashing on here. I suggest that if you don't come from my culture, you cannot understand its nuances, just like I wouldn't presume to understand or pass judgment on anyone else's.

I imagine that's not what you meant.

BTW in my culture, prefacing a statement with 'no offence' means that something very offensive is about to follow.

I totally relate to wellnow's post. I don't think she meant to be offensive. Different cultures to react differently to death and the grieving process. Here in Ireland loads of people attend a funeral even if they didn't actually know the deceased. They go because they were friendly with, or worked with, a close family member of the person who has died.

And when my cousin moved to England she at first used to automatically offer sympathy to a colleague who had been bereaved but got such startled and bemused reactions that she stopped. She also remarked that in England people seemed embarassed to mention death or to speak to someone about a recent bereavement.

Personally i find my Irish acquaintances and friends way of attending every funeral really mawkish and it makes me very uncomfortable. Altho i know it is cultural, it still makes me uneasy.

I have never met an English person who is embarrassed to mention the death of someone. But they do tend to just say 'sorry for your loss' and leave the grieving person to their privacy. I like that way best.

I can understand that to someone from a different culture it looks strange. But to most Irish people it's nice and a real comfort. It's just different norms and expectations.
If we're sympathising with someone we don't know that well we just say 'I was sorry to hear about your mother'. But my cousin found when she did this in London where she moved to, people seemed surprised and uncomfortable. Maybe that was just her experience, but she did talk about it as it was so different from what she was used to in Ireland.

I'm sorry op

but theres some really good advice here

I hope your sisters experience is unusual Vintage as i also find that strange too. I have never experienced that - as a londoner i can certainly say it isn't MY norm.

I think the cultural difference of this is one which can lead to resentment and misinterpretation. What can be seen as a comfort to some can be seen as offensive to others. It can be construed as mawkish and greedy to want to go to a funeral of someone you don't know. I know people often think that a person is just coming along for the free drink and sandwiches, and that can be adding insult to grief for someone dealing with a deep loss. But in the same way, i can see how to someone from that culture, people not mentioning the death or wanting to attend the funeral can be insulting too.

I didn't mean to offend anyone.

As I said we're all used to it so we know they're there for support etc.

Re my 'English bashing' I appreciate that you had a different experience but my comment is based on dealing with many different cultures at times of death and grief. Nor did I mean it as bashing, I actually feel sorry for people, I've seen too many people criticised for not being over the loss of a loved one after a ridiculously short period of time.

There's some strong research showing that suppressed grief can cause long term emotional issues and some physical ones.

I am sorry for your loss.

However, I think you are being a bit unreasonable. I think this is a matter of personal expectations.

Both my grandmother's died within a few weeks of each other this summer- neither set of in-laws attended the respective funerals and my parents have been married for 37 years. The families of my aunts and uncles spouses did not attend either.

Nobody on either side thought it was strange that the in-laws did not attend. They got on ok on the few occasions they met, but they weren't close and they live very far apart.

If you had specifically asked them to attend, saying it meant a lot to you, then it was hurtful of them not to go (unless they had a good reason) and the least they could have done was tell you they weren't coming. If you just expected them to go, and assumed by telling them the date they would automatically attend, then I think you are being a bit unreasonable.

However, YANBU to expect them to at least enquire as to how you were, if the service went alright etc- and to offer the support they could practically provide.

I'm sure you didn't mean to offend WellnowImFucked.

There are many cultures and many that are mixed.

My own is English-born Catholic of an Irish Catholic and English Protestant of Scottish extraction.

So I've learned to tread carefully.

The thing is what you describe as wanting I definitely wouldn't want.

I would feel vaguely responsible for my in-laws, who would know relatively few people there, so it would distract me from what I wanted/needed to do.
I wouldn't want them mentioning my parents to the children. Firstly, it would probably upset the children, secondly because they almost certainly, however careful they were, would say something that irritated me. Not because what they said was bad, but more because I would be very oversensitive about anything.
I don't think I'd particularly want them enquiring how the service went or how I was feeling either, because that's not the way I work, I don't want to talk over all like that.

So unless you told them that's what you wanted, then you are unreasonable to expect it, because they could have done all that and made you irritated too.

Welsh, I'm sorry for your loss.

Can I ask, with you thinking that your inlaws are generally uncaring/selfish, are you other experiences along these lines? There is a very even split in the answers, and I would think a lot of those are down to culture, the relationships between the parents, and assertiveness. Not a clear cut right or wrong.

Why? Just why?

It might well have been better that they didn't, MIL has all the tact of an iron skillet to the head.

Interestingly I'm from a Welsh-Irish family. PIL are English. Maybe that's the cultural difference all wrapped up!