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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think they should have come to the funeral?

99 replies

WelshMaenad · 20/08/2014 22:19

Could write a novel with backstory, will try to be brief!

Have been with DH 9 years, married 5, two DC.
Lot of history with IL's being spectacularly self involved.
My mum died in April.
IL's live several hours away, visit 3x per year, no room here so generally they book a cheap motel. They are very financially comfortable, this is no hardship.
IL's Skype with us - generally DH and DCs and I'm just in the background - weekly on a Friday.

IL's did not attend my mums funeral. The more I stew on this, the more angry I feel. My sister's inlaws and GPILs all attended, and many people asked me where DH's family was, which was embarrassing. I feel that the gesture of attendance would have been appropriate for a co-grandparent, someone they had known almost a decade, who had welcomed them into her home, treated their son as her own. They sent me a sympathy card and have never mentioned her or her death since. My DCs were devastated by her death yet they never mention her to them.

My dad did not want the DC at the crem (they attended the church service) so DH took them for a lovely little gesture of remembrance in throwing flowers into the sea before meeting me at the wake. It meant that I was without his support at the crem which was really hard, and had they bothered to come they could have given us support in taking the DCs meaning I could have DH with me.

I don't know if my history of feeling let down by them is counting the situation, coupled with grief and depression, or if they were actually U not to attend and not even allude as to why.

OP posts:

FishWithABicycle · 21/08/2014 07:29

Really sorry for your loss and your grief WelshMaenad. Your anger is valid but, as often happens when we are grieving, it has latched on to the wrong target because the real target is too big. Your lovely mum who you will miss so much is gone, and it's not really not fair. You feel angry when you are reminded of this. DH's mum, your kid's other grandma, wouldn't have to be doing anything wrong at all - just being around and being alive is reminding you of it.

Now, if your DH explicitly said to his parents "please could you come to the funeral for us, we know you didn't know her very well but we need you there to look after the kids so I can look after WelshMaenad", and they refused, then YANBU at all and they are selfish gits. If this wasn't said to them then I don't think it was unreasonable of them to assume that it was up to them to choose on the basis of the strength of their own feelings. It would be nice obviously if they could have intuited what you would have preferred but it's not a thing to blame them for that they didn't.

Try to let this go. Grieve for your mum, and don't let this issue sour your relationships.

headoverheels · 21/08/2014 07:29

Sorry for your loss OP, but I wouldn't expect my PILs to attend one of my parent's funerals (or vice versa) unless I had specifically asked them to help me and DH with the DC.

Sunna · 21/08/2014 07:32

Sorry for your loss.

Another here who doesn't expect inlaws to attend family funerals. It's unusual if they do, in my experience.

Grieve for your mum and try to let go of the resentment.

saffronwblue · 21/08/2014 07:32

My MIL died 2 weeks ago. My mother, who is 83 with health problems, got up at 5 am and took an hour's flight to attend the funeral as a gesture of love and support for DH and me.

Sorry for your loss.

Rosa · 21/08/2014 07:34

My mother flew several thousand miles to come to my FIL funeral out of sheer respect . Yes they had had a couple of meals out in the past and certainly had no great relationship but for me funerals are about paying your respects , showing consideration , and IMO yes they should have been there out of respect to you.

maddening · 21/08/2014 07:47

No inlaws came to my dgm funeral - this did not seem strange and in fact I'd think it odd if they had when they had little personal contact with her - maybe this is just a clash of family custom if your family does things one way and theirs another.

Had you said "please could you come to look after the dc so Dh can come to the funeral with me" they probably would have come to help.

JustDontWantToSay · 21/08/2014 07:48

YANBU

My ex-inlaws were like this (probably still are). Anything that isn't planned for weeks in advance cannot happen, anything out of the ordinary is a massive problem. We lived next door to them for years while the DC were small and they never so much as took them to the park. Not suggesting they 'should' have done, just from observing their other grandparents and GPs of other DC I think it would have been normal/kind behaviour. I can well imagine them doing the same thing in that situation and how incredibly angry it would make me.

From years of experience I learned that the best way forward usually is not to mention. However, there have been specific situations where I have approached them directly and determinedly (not unreasonably) but these situations were when they were doing something which needed to stop.

I really am very sorry to hear of the loss of your mother xxx

CharlieSaysAlwaysTellYourMummy · 21/08/2014 08:00

Sorry for your loss OP. You are not unreasonable at all - I think they sound hideous. Who doesn't at least ask how you are? I would have expected them to attend as well, to support you and your DH. they sound self absorbed and nasty TBH. I can understand why you are stewing on it. I have no advice other than that you can;t change it, you can't control their behaviour so you need too try and let it go. But... now you know. You know how they behave when the shit hits the fan and they have failed you.

diddl · 21/08/2014 08:37

Perhaps you could have asked them to come & look after the kids?

Assuming that they would be there was odd imo.

ohtheholidays · 21/08/2014 08:48

MY Dh's parents didn't come to my Mum's funeral,she passed the end of April this year.

My IL's live less than 4 hours away.They haven't spoke to me about my Mum,haven't rang DH more than usual(they hardly ever phone him anyways)and they know it hit him really hard as well.My Mum adored my husband and called him her son.We've been together along time and have 5DC and they've all been left devastated.

Sent us a sympathy card and that was it.They're really nice people in general just not very emotional I don't think.

But it does hurt I adore my Mum and she's know longer with me,I really could have done with a motherly pair of arms around my shoulders that day.

I'm really sorry about your Mum,I know how hard it is.

TortoiseUpATreeAgain · 21/08/2014 08:49

I'm sorry about your mother.

I've never been to a funeral where the inlaws attended, though (and I've been to a fair few funerals). I really don't think it's a "normal"/"standard" thing to do -- obviously it's not odd or unheard of, but I doubt most people would automatically assume that it would happen.

However, it would be expected that they would treat you and your DC with a bit more sympathy and consideration. YANBU to be hurt about that.

tobiasfunke · 21/08/2014 08:49

Of course they should've gone. Where I'm from it would be seen as odd if they didn't- unless they lived miles away or were on holiday or something like that. Doesn't sound as if they are nice people. You were probably better off they didn't come because they would probably have wound you up. Agree with all those who say they'll never change.

MagratsHair · 21/08/2014 09:28

Sorry for your loss OP, I lost my own mum a couple of years ago & I know how the bottom drops out of the world when it happens.

However I have to say that I think there is more to this than your IL's non attendance. I know grief has no time limit but presumably the funeral was in April, so 4 months ago which is a long time to be intensely stewing over this one non attendance incident. Is it intrinisically bound up with other things, for example - your dad didn't want the children at the crem, no problem & its his decision but it had a knock on effect for you that you didn't have your DH's support. However this is not your PIL's fault (& I'm surprised none of your family offered to take them instead). Also many people asked you where DH's family were, their asking & your subsequent embarrassment is also not the PIL's fault.

Families can be odd about death & everyone has unwritten rules about death & funerals. They may have felt that they were intruding on your families grief, or they may have expected an invitation & when one didn't come assumed they were not invited as such? They may have felt simply that a funeral is for close family & friends & as they do not have this tie, it was not 'their' occasion to attend. You & your family perhaps have different unwritten rules about family attendance & the expectation of the family to attend.

My PIL did not come to my mother's funeral, but as they were not close I didn't expect them to. They also sent a card but didn't really talk about it afterwards but then they are quite traditional & people are expected to 'get on' & grief is seen as private & it would be rude to get involved. I've since lost my MIL & we do not ask FIL how he is coping as it would make him uncomfortable ( I tried it once & it was awful) & also my father did not attend MIL's funeral & wouldn't have though twice about it. He would not have thought to excuse himself or provide a reason why he was not coming.

What I'm trying to say is that the non attendance at the funeral was perhaps the catalyst but its not the whole problem. The whole problem includes the past treatment of you, your perceived invisibility to them, the knock on effects of their non attendance mixed in with your grief & possibly 9 years of resentment towards them & that's just from your post. I honestly think that you need to put aside the red herring of the funeral & focus on your relationship & history with them as a whole in order to move past this. There's nothing wrong with taking a step back from them if you need to or to tell your DH that he has to do the visits for a bit without you.

Original poster

WelshMaenad · 21/08/2014 21:39

Thank you all. I guess families do things very differently, and my expectations are based on what my family do (step up, go the extra mile, support each other) and DHs family are just about the opposite of this, and experience should have taught me not to have expected more from them! So I guess I was being U based on past behaviour!

OP posts:

MrsKoala · 21/08/2014 22:01

Sorry OP, did you say whether they had been friendly? I may have missed it. But how close had they been? I think this makes a difference. I also think you are in the midst of grief and have obviously got a past experience of what you feel/is poor behaviour on the PILs part. However, i think it's unfair to say that people who wouldn't go to their adult DCs ILs funeral are people who 'wont step up, go the extra mile or support' their DIL. For some people it is a case of just not being appropriate. As many on here have said, their family wouldn't do it. That doesn't make them unsupportive tho.

Of course you know whether it was the PILs being thoughtless and unkind or whether they just have a different perspective on this than you (like many others).

Please try not to let it eat you up tho, whatever the reason.

elliejjtiny · 21/08/2014 22:20

Sorry for your loss. My inlaws came to my Dad's funeral. It was nice of them but I didn't expect it. We took the DC's to the funeral but it was nice to have MIL there to take 3 year old DS3 out when he got bored. My sister's inlaws didn't come but she and BIL only had 1 DC at the time (we had 4).

BackforGood · 21/08/2014 23:12

However, i think it's unfair to say that people who wouldn't go to their adult DCs ILs funeral are people who 'wont step up, go the extra mile or support' their DIL. For some people it is a case of just not being appropriate

This.

Just going by the replies on this thread, at least half of respondents have said they wouldn't expect PiLs to go to their parents funeral(s) in this kind of circumstance. It's a bit rude for you to then project that about all these people

KleineDracheKokosnuss · 21/08/2014 23:18

I wouldn't expect ILs to attend the funeral. If, for example, my dad were to die, MIL might come to do childcare if I asked, or if I said I wanted her to. It really depends on family norms, and for the families I know, it would not be usual. In-laws ime usually just send a card - they'd only attend if they either had a good relationship with the deceased or if they happened to live in the same town anyway.

firesidechat · 22/08/2014 08:48

So op if I don't go to my daughter's inlaws funeral then I'm not stepping up, going the extra mile or being supportive? And the same for all the others here who don't expect their inlaws to attend either?

I know you are upset, but that's a bit rude.

ladymariner · 22/08/2014 09:15

I know you are upset, but that's a bit rude.

This.

My inlaws didn't attend my fathers funeral, they also live several hours away. It would have been nice if they had but they both still work and it wasn't possible. They sent flowers and ask after me, and that was great. Just because people do things differently to you, op, doesn't mean they don't care or don't go 'the extra mile'.

FamiliesShareGerms · 22/08/2014 09:26

I've not seen IL at a funeral either, so wouldn't "expect" to see them there as a matter of course unless they were close (the only time mine and DH's parents cross paths is at big family events - christenings, significant birthdays etc - and only exchange Xmas cards in between)

I know you must still be grieving for your mum, but you can't turn back time and get them to come to the funeral, so you really have nothing to gain by raising this with them now.

Bouttimeforwine · 22/08/2014 09:32

I think different families have different expectations and norms.

I dont think any are right or wrong. I think the problem is, when these different expectations clash, as has happened here.

It is easier to focus on this "small" irritation, than it is to address the real issue - that if your grief. Just accept that there is no right way. People are different, that's all.

m0therofdragons · 22/08/2014 09:38

When a close relative of mine died dh told mik and her response was to ask if he thought I'd inherit any money so as she thinks my parents are loaded I can't imagine her response would be different if it were my dm. I doubt they'd come to the funeral but they rarely speak to my parents. I think in terms of a funeral I'd much rather people were there because they wanted to be than down to sense of duty.

Droflove · 22/08/2014 09:38

I think it depends on the relationships involved. My inlaws would come but they have become friends with my parents. I think they would come anyway as support for me but we are quite close. At the same time I can imagine many inlaws not going (ie both SILs inlaws might not show up to a funeral of one of my inlaws). I wouldnt find that strange j don't think.

RedToothBrush · 22/08/2014 09:40

I really wouldn't expect my ILs to come to my parents funeral, because they don't really know them. If anything it would be more likely to cause stress for me and DH.

However, I probably would expect a little support from them for my family. What form that came in, is probably done to the relationship you have with them.

The two things ARE mutually exclusive.

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