To think they should have come to the funeral?

[WelshMaenad]

Could write a novel with backstory, will try to be brief!

Have been with DH 9 years, married 5, two DC.
Lot of history with IL's being spectacularly self involved.
My mum died in April.
IL's live several hours away, visit 3x per year, no room here so generally they book a cheap motel. They are very financially comfortable, this is no hardship.
IL's Skype with us - generally DH and DCs and I'm just in the background - weekly on a Friday.

IL's did not attend my mums funeral. The more I stew on this, the more angry I feel. My sister's inlaws and GPILs all attended, and many people asked me where DH's family was, which was embarrassing. I feel that the gesture of attendance would have been appropriate for a co-grandparent, someone they had known almost a decade, who had welcomed them into her home, treated their son as her own. They sent me a sympathy card and have never mentioned her or her death since. My DCs were devastated by her death yet they never mention her to them.

My dad did not want the DC at the crem (they attended the church service) so DH took them for a lovely little gesture of remembrance in throwing flowers into the sea before meeting me at the wake. It meant that I was without his support at the crem which was really hard, and had they bothered to come they could have given us support in taking the DCs meaning I could have DH with me.

I don't know if my history of feeling let down by them is counting the situation, coupled with grief and depression, or if they were actually U not to attend and not even allude as to why.

I'm so sorry you have lost your mum

I do think your iLs should have come to the funeral, it would have meant your DH would have been there for you the whole time for you. Is it this part that is particularly upsetting you?

I know when my dad died, my DH helped to carry him into church then because of a mix up he couldn't sit next to me. I ended up with our 2 very upset DDs on one side and my mum on the other. It was very difficult for me and I was upset that no one was there for me, for quite a while.
Have you spoken to DH about it all?

I am sorry for your loss.

My ILs didn't come to my dad's funeral and I had no expectation that they would as they live a few hours away and had only met him twice. I think you are being a little bit U on this. It would be different if DH had specifically asked them to come and have the children during the crem, and they had refused, but that didn't happen.

Put a positive spin on things and say to yourself, yes, it was a really tough time at the crem, but at least I didn't have to endure my self involved in laws for the rest of the day.

Sorry about your mum.

But I honestly think it's not the norm for ILs to attend funerals unless they were personally close. My parents only ever met dh's parents about 3 times and it never crossed my mind that they would attend their funerals.

Like wise my parents had only ever met my PILs twice once before and once at our wedding. They didn't really hit it off, despite the fact that my parents get on really well with DH and I got on with his. I still miss DMIL and she died 14 years ago this month.

Never crossed DHs or my mind that they would come to their funerals.

TBH, I wouldn't have expected your ILs to attend unless you specifically asked them to, especially as they live several hours away.

I didn't expect my ILs to attend my dad's funeral. My family and my ILs aren't really close. I actually think it would have been awkward for my family to have people they aren't close to at such a personal event.

Maybe your ILs felt it would be awkward if they were there, given that there's a history of tension between you? Or maybe they didn't actually realise they were invited? They should have asked if you needed help but some people just don't have that relationship with their ILs.

Sorry for your loss.

Sorry for your loss OP.

I would never expect ILs to attend my parents funeral or vice versa. I have also never seen ILs at any funeral i have been to.

Firstly, sorry for your loss. When my father died, it would not have been expected by anyone for my ILs to attend his funeral. Neither would we expect my mother to attend, if she is still with us when it's my IL's turn. Unless both families are exceptionally close, I really wouldn't see this as the norm.

As they haven't discussed their reasons, there may also be perfectly valid reasons why they could not attend, including things like medical appointments or even not being able to get time off work.

As I've got older, I've got far less hung up on funerals, and place far more importance on what people do when you are alive.

I'm sorry you've lost your Mum. I expect you are feeling pretty vulnerable and angry with the world.

That said, I wouldn't expect you PiL to travel 3 hours to attend your Mum's funeral, unless they happened to be very close friends aside from both being the parents of each of you. I certainly wouldn't expect them to attend just because their respective dc married each other.

If you wanted them to look after the dc, then you/dh really needed to ask them that - I expect they would presume you had local friends who would watch them for an hour or two whilst you were at the service. It's certainly what I would have done.

My ILs weren't especially close to my late parents, either socially or geographically, but they attended both funerals and my SIL travelled to babysit young DC, as ILs would have otherwise been my default emergency childcare. I didn't have to ask. I don't think you were being unreasonable to hope for similar.

I'm in agreement with you OP my in laws attended my mum and dads funeral out of respect for me.

I would have expected your in-laws to attend. Even if they didn't know your mother well I would think they would want to be there to support you, your husband and children.

My grandmother died a month before my wedding. My now father-in-law was recovering from an operation and couldn't drive. His brother drove him and my mother-in-law the 200 miles to the funeral. I can never thank all three of them enough, but especially my husband's uncle, for going to such an effort to support me and for showing me that they viewed me as an important part of their family.

It wouldn't occur to me to have in laws attend, I think people just deal with things differently, neither is right or wrong.

I think we would have all been quite surprised, although not in a bad way, if my parents had said they wanted to attend DHs parent's funeral.

I'm sorry for your loss. I also wouldn't expect my inlaws to attend my parents funeral but we are not very close. My parents did attend the funeral of my brother's wife's dad as they all got on and spent time together. I think it comes down to how close you all were. Is it possible they felt they didn't want to intrude on your grief by asking to come? That they saw that as making demands on you?

Do you think if you asked outright at the time for them to come mind the grandchildren they would have said no?

Maybe this is cultural. My DM didn't get on with exH's family particularly, didn't socialise, didn't know them very well. She helped me cater for late MIL's wake and saw it as very important to attend and show her respect and give condolences. Family is family. And this is without any DC being involved. People seem to have very different views though.

Sorry for your loss

Sorry for your loss OP.

I think different families deal with things in different ways. I wasn't married when my Mum died but my brother was, and it never occurred to anyone that my SIL's mother should come to the funeral, even though they got on well. When my Dad died I was married, and likewise it never occurred to me to ask my PILs to come to his funeral.

It sounds like the thing with your ILs is a much bigger picture. How does your DH feel about them?

Is the real issue here that your husband wasn't able to be there? Was there no-one else who could have waited with your kids during the service?

Sorry for your loss.

I could have written your post op down to being with DH 9 years and having 2 DC's. Except we lost my mum in March. My IL' s didn't come to the funeral and only sent a card after 3 weeks to my Dad. My sister's IL's came to the funeral and even sent us memory boxes which was a lovely gesture (they weren't close). To be honest I don't think that I could have coped with having them stay with us at that time but I was a bit hurt.
However I am more cross at them forgetting DH's birthday a few weeks ago, not even a text saying happy birthday we're really busy but we're thinking of you. He got a card a week later blaming the post office. They are extremely rubbish at family stuff.
I spoke to my Dad about it and his philosophy is that you can't control other people's actions and its a waste of energy to get angry. It just makes you stressed. I'm not sure I can be as Zen as my dad.
Sorry for your loss op, it properly sucks. Not sure if it helps but weirdly I found myself being cross at my mum for going, it's strange where grief takes you.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Unless they were particularly close to your mum, I wouldn't expect ILs to come to the funeral. It would have been reasonable to ask them to look after the children so your husband could be there to support you though.

I'm very sorry for your loss.

As to whether your ILs should have attended your mum's funeral, well, as others have said, I think that really does depend upon the relationship they had with her. For example, I don't have an especially close relationship with my mum and only see her very irregularly myself (her choice not mine, a whole other story) so as a result my MIL has only met her literally 2 or 3 times in well over a decade and they really don't know each other at all. They never call each other, send cards or anything like that so I wouldn't feel hurt if neither attended the other's funeral.

However, what I think I would be hurt by is an absence of human compassion from either one if DP or I had been bereaved. So .... failing to ask if there was anything they could do for example, not asking how I/he was feeling, not asking how the funeral went etc. I know some people find the subject of death "difficult" - and I do too, I think there are very few, if any, people who are totally at ease in dealing with others who've been bereaved ...... but, I always try really hard to remember that however "awkward" I might feel it'll be nothing compared to the devastation felt by someone who's lost a loved one and therefore think it's very important to acknowledge that loss properly by speaking to the person/people concerned, as well as sending a sympathy card - ideally with an accompanying note or letter which describes your own memories of that person (assuming you knew them). I agree that people who act as if nothing's happened, even if it's to cover up their own discomfort, are actually being quite insulting. I would far rather people had said something when my dad died, rather than nothing at all. I also think that when a crisis hits, it's not unreasonable to hope that the people who "should" be closest to you and who "should" care would rally round and offer practical help regardless of whether or not they knew the person who's died ...... such as offering to stay behind at the house to get food and drink ready, or being on hand to care for young kids, or offering lifts and so on.

With that in mind, I don't think you're being unreasonable at all to be very hurt by the ILs seemingly ignoring your mother's death, though I think the funeral itself is a different issue. I do think it's very rude to have not asked how it went or, presumably, how you and the kids are feeling, since. Having said that, I'm almost 99% certain that if my MIL died before my mum, I'd be in your shoes as she (my mum) would offer no practical help (never does under any circumstances) and wouldn't speak about it. Whereas I can imagine MIL mucking in to help if the opposite were true.

I'm another one who doesnt expect ILs to attend funerals unless they are close. My parent didn't go to my FILs funeral and nor did the ILs of any of his siblings. All lived at a distance. OTOH my parents moved into sheltered accommodation near us when they both got very frail and my MIL did come to both of their funerals because she had then got to know them a lot better and it was in the same town. I think you are just dealing with different family systems and expectations to be honest.

Very sorry for the grief you are experiencing at the loss of your mother, but don't let this turn into a family feud. You had closer family members with you at the funeral, and I don't think your in-laws behaviour was particularly unreasonable, considering how far away they live. Let it go.

I'm sorry for your loss, OP.

I would feel exactly the same way as you do. I think it's normal to expect your in-laws at your parent's funeral. That's certainly what we do in our family, anyway.

I appreciate that you feel let down, but I think the fact that your sil's inlaws attended has clouded the issue slightly. There is no "normal" for inlaws attending a funeral - some do, some don't and depends very much on the relationship between your parents and your husband's parents.

My daughter is fairly newly married and we have met her husband's parents on a few occasions, but I'm not sure whether we will see them in the future and no idea whether we would go to the funeral or not. I might feel that it wasn't our place unless our daughter and son in law requested it. Perhaps your parents feel the same.

Sorry for your loss

It's not the norm at all for in laws to attend funerals in my family and tbh if my Dad died, I would hate my MiL to come to his funeral. Likewise I'm sure Dad wouldn't even think of attending my in-laws' funerals - they aren't close, have probably met each other twice in the last 10 years (once at our wedding) and the only connection is that their son has married his daughter.

That said, if you had wanted yours there maybe they are the sort of people that need to be asked? Some people just don't think if they aren't directly affected by something.