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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Hello Mums

70 replies

Cowapjn · 20/08/2014 19:28

I am a new Dad (apologies for using a Mums forum howeve I have used this forum before adn received excellent advice and its good to get a womens point of view)

Ill try and explain my story quickly.

I'm 28 and have a 9 week old baby daughter. My ex is 23 and we split up whilst she was around 7.5 months pregnant. I have battled hard for the past 3 or so months to get back together whilst its felt like she has battled me instead. She is extremely stubborn and drags things out. Also she will do or say things that make things worse (e.g she told me the other day she has a new boyfriend when she doesn't)

It has now got to a point where she wont let me see my daughter. I have spent the last 9 weeks seeing my daughter in her house supervised by her and her family. I have requested I start having her on my own and asked can I start off slowly taking her for half an hour slowing workign towards taking her for longer. She has denied this. The reason she states is that she doesnt feel like our daughter will be ok in my care. I Hhave changed nappys, fed her, rocked her to sleep during the night. Im good to go and have lots of help around me should i need it. Im now looking at mediation and then possible court. Its so frustrating as it feels like she is obnly delaying the inevitable and ill be spending a lot of money that could be spent on our daughter.

I pay her child support every month 10% of my wage which was a figure quoted to me by her. I also buy things like clothes, nappys, baby monitors e.t.c which bumps the figure up. She now states that i should be paying 15% of my wage. Why did it suddenly go up? She states 15% it what is stated by CSA. Even if the figure I should be paying is 15% and im only paying 10% im still paying more by buying other bits and bobs.

I have now booked to go to a music festival this week and used my credit card as i currently dont have the funds. Next month ill get a bigger wage so will pay my credit card off. She has kicked off big time saying my prioroties arnt right, im only paying 10% child support and i can afford to go to festivals. Ive explained i cant afford to go but i will be able to next month. Ive also advised her not to expect a rise in child support as my money is being spent on mediation.

Cn anyone help me out here at all? My life is a complete mess. I feel like im the father she will allow me to be. She wont let me see our child not because um not capable but because she has a grudge against me. Is there any point court to court with a child so young? Give me an option and id much rather spend all weekend with my daughter but she wont allow it.

Thanks Mums. I know people can be quite harsh on here but sometimes that is good. Please dont get on my back too much though as this is not what I really need. I need help advice adn support. Thanks

OP posts:

gobbynorthernbird · 20/08/2014 19:37

I agree with your ex. Pay for your kid.

gobbynorthernbird · 20/08/2014 19:39

Next month ill get a bigger wage so will pay my credit card off
Ive also advised her not to expect a rise in child support as my money is being spent on mediation

Which one is it?

Jumblebee · 20/08/2014 19:40

Is she breastfeeding? That may make it more difficult for you to have her for prolonged periods of time but I don't think a 30 minute walk is asking for much.

If you don't mind me asking, why did you break up?

She sounds very stubborn, perhaps influenced by her family? It isn't fair for her to not allow you to have some one on one bonding time with your daughter.

I think you may need to sit down together, somewhere public, just the two of you and have a heart to heart. Find out all her worries about you spending more time with the baby and explain how it's making you feel only being allowed supervised access. Even if she only agrees to half an hour where you can take her for a walk, that's still good and shows that you are perfectly capable of looking after her. Hopefully the time you spend with her will increase over time.

I know when my DD was 9 weeks I didn't like leaving her with anyone else except DP, so I know your ex must feel anxious. But that doesn't excuse her not letting you spend a bit more time with her.

MinesAPintOfTea · 20/08/2014 19:42

Pay for your baby first.

And she has an ultimate right not to be harassed about a relationship with you.

What is her argument against you having half an hour with lo though?

MinesAPintOfTea · 20/08/2014 19:42

Pay for your baby first.

And she has an ultimate right not to be harassed about a relationship with you.

What is her argument against you having half an hour with lo though?

Jumblebee · 20/08/2014 19:43

Also yes I'm sure the CSA payment is meant to be 15% of your wage. I wouldn't do anything to rile her like say you won't pay more maintenance because you'll be paying for mediation, it'll only piss her off (well it would piss me off, so I'm just assuming)

If you do end up going to court it will look much better if you're paying the correct amount of maintenance

grobagsforever · 20/08/2014 19:44

Good dads pay more than fifteen percent. Cough up.

Mumof3xox · 20/08/2014 19:44

The baby is very young

I wouldn't have let anyone take my baby off at that age

I know it's hard as you want to be a good dad but you need to have some patience with her

Re the child support I think you would be best going through an agency and having an agreement on paper

kinkyfuckery · 20/08/2014 19:45

15% is what the CMS would quote for. How about you pay the 15% then stop providing the other things for her if you are struggling?

It's an emotional time for her with a new baby and a lot of people wouldn't be wanting to be away from their baby at such a young age. Have you asked her when she feels you may be ready to work up to solo contact and what you can do to show her she can trust you with your daughter?

KellyElly · 20/08/2014 19:45

You have parental responsibility and have as much rich to parent your child as she does. You also have a right to go to a festival with your own money. Perhaps you shouldn't be over sharing the ins and outs of your social life with her. You should go on the CSA calculator and ensure you are paying a fair amount of maintenance and then move forward for more access to your child.

SoonToBeSix · 20/08/2014 19:46

The csa make you pay the bare minimum which is 15 percent. That is crap though do you really this your dd's mother only spends 15 percent of her income on her daughter?
You need to support your child properly. Maintenance and contact are two different things.

KellyElly · 20/08/2014 19:47

Also AIBU is probably not the best forum on MN to post this kind of thing. Try Chat or Relationships for some more balanced responses.

LadySybilLikesCake · 20/08/2014 19:48

You should be paying a minimum of 15%, so this should also cover nappies and whatnot. As she's previously asked for 10% and items for your baby, so you've probably been paying more than 15%, so I can't see how she's saying that you've not paid enough What you spend the remainder of your income on has nothing to do with her to be honest.

You really should see a solicitor about access. It's going to be hard for you to get to know your child with all of these restrictions.

Bowlersarm · 20/08/2014 19:49

It sounds like you are both trying to find your feet in a new and difficult situation.

It looks as though you need to pay 15%.

Go to your festival, you are entitled to use your credit card as you see fit.

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 20/08/2014 19:49

Have you used the csa calculator? That should help you work out whether you're paying an appropriate amount.

How often are you asking to see LO? At that age I really couldn't bear being away from LO for longer than an hour or so. Asking for contact little and often might be more successful at this stage than asking for long visits.

gordyslovesheep · 20/08/2014 19:50

oh AIBU is fine

you need a good solicitor regarding access

You have every right to spend your money how you wish as long as you are providing for her - which you are - at the rate agreed initially by her mum

good luck

Mrsstarlord · 20/08/2014 19:51

Expect a flaming I'm afraid! taking out the rights and wrongs of the situation I would advise you to go along with your ex, take it slowly as it is still early days. Your relationship with your daughter is going to be very long term and strong foundations will be really important. That might mean that you need to give in compromise on some short term things so that your daughter can enjoy a positive relationship with both her parents in the long term. Its going to be hard sometimes but remember the bigger picture when things get hard.

BuffytheReasonableFeminist · 20/08/2014 19:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MisForMumNotMaid · 20/08/2014 19:54

Legally finances and access are kept completely seperate.

The minimum figure quoted for child support for one child historically was 15% of wage, its slightly changed recently but if you don't want to end up paying an extra chunk to the new CSA (can't remember what they're called but they charge the non resident parent to act as a go between) you should as a minimum be paying 15% of your wage.

Your child can't not have nappies, food, transport to clinics etc this month on the promise that they can have extra next. If you want your child to have a good life you need to offer stability and consistency. Allow their mother to budget by being consistent in your contribution.

Regarding access unless your Child is being breastfed your request doesn't seam unreasonable. I'd suggest you sort the money first and fast, then reapproach in writing that you'd like access and suggest a time and period of time i.e. 1 hr walk if the weather is nice or at home if not.

Avoid threats if you can. You're both parents to this child and she's no doubt shattered post birth and adjusting to the demands of a baby and quite possibly having very disturbed sleep. Prisoners wouldn't be allowed to be treated in the way a new mum is in the early days at home - the upheavel is definately a form of torture.

This child bonds you both the rest of your lives. Developing an effective way to communicate will be best for your child and both of you. Take time considering all your actions because they may have long term effects.

KellyElly · 20/08/2014 19:56

He probably can't bear to be away from his child for long periods either. It isn't a mothers right alone to have time with a young baby. This kind of attitude irritates me. I'm a lone parent who's ex does the minimum. Here is a dad who wants to be fully involved. Why shouldn't he be. He has as much right as the mother to access of his child.

Original poster

Cowapjn · 20/08/2014 20:00

Ill try and explain my story quickly.

Thanks Mums. I know people can be quite harsh on here but sometimes that is good. Please dont get on my back too much though as this is not what I really need. I need help advice adn support. Thanks

OP posts:

BuffytheReasonableFeminist · 20/08/2014 20:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QisforQcumber · 20/08/2014 20:04

I have deja vu? Weren't you looking for similar advice before Cowapjn?

awsomer · 20/08/2014 20:05

Cowapjn, are you reading the replies? What do you think about the advice that's been offered so far?

gordyslovesheep · 20/08/2014 20:08

oh yes - you have posted this before - and also in relationships

what advice do you need that hasn't been give?

I wish you well but it's a bit odd to keep asking the same thing

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