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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Hello Mums

70 replies

Cowapjn · 20/08/2014 19:28

I am a new Dad (apologies for using a Mums forum howeve I have used this forum before adn received excellent advice and its good to get a womens point of view)

Ill try and explain my story quickly.

I'm 28 and have a 9 week old baby daughter. My ex is 23 and we split up whilst she was around 7.5 months pregnant. I have battled hard for the past 3 or so months to get back together whilst its felt like she has battled me instead. She is extremely stubborn and drags things out. Also she will do or say things that make things worse (e.g she told me the other day she has a new boyfriend when she doesn't)

It has now got to a point where she wont let me see my daughter. I have spent the last 9 weeks seeing my daughter in her house supervised by her and her family. I have requested I start having her on my own and asked can I start off slowly taking her for half an hour slowing workign towards taking her for longer. She has denied this. The reason she states is that she doesnt feel like our daughter will be ok in my care. I Hhave changed nappys, fed her, rocked her to sleep during the night. Im good to go and have lots of help around me should i need it. Im now looking at mediation and then possible court. Its so frustrating as it feels like she is obnly delaying the inevitable and ill be spending a lot of money that could be spent on our daughter.

I pay her child support every month 10% of my wage which was a figure quoted to me by her. I also buy things like clothes, nappys, baby monitors e.t.c which bumps the figure up. She now states that i should be paying 15% of my wage. Why did it suddenly go up? She states 15% it what is stated by CSA. Even if the figure I should be paying is 15% and im only paying 10% im still paying more by buying other bits and bobs.

I have now booked to go to a music festival this week and used my credit card as i currently dont have the funds. Next month ill get a bigger wage so will pay my credit card off. She has kicked off big time saying my prioroties arnt right, im only paying 10% child support and i can afford to go to festivals. Ive explained i cant afford to go but i will be able to next month. Ive also advised her not to expect a rise in child support as my money is being spent on mediation.

Cn anyone help me out here at all? My life is a complete mess. I feel like im the father she will allow me to be. She wont let me see our child not because um not capable but because she has a grudge against me. Is there any point court to court with a child so young? Give me an option and id much rather spend all weekend with my daughter but she wont allow it.

Thanks Mums. I know people can be quite harsh on here but sometimes that is good. Please dont get on my back too much though as this is not what I really need. I need help advice adn support. Thanks

OP posts:

awsomer · 20/08/2014 21:06

I think if you're after getting this resolved (fairly) quickly and as you both see court as an inevitable end anyway then it may be best just to start the ball rolling and speak to a solicitor. Her personality, or at least her opinions, seem very changeable so what if she finally agreed to contact but then changed her mind and refused it? At least with the court's ruling in place you would both have a set of terms you would have to follow.

MollyHooper · 20/08/2014 21:08

That's good Cow. It means you have proof you have been paying.

And fluffy just posted everything I was going to say so I won't repeat it. :)

Just keep your focus on your little girl, good luck

Catsize · 20/08/2014 21:08

I've no real advice but just wanted to say I admire you for coming on here and for trying to do the best for your child. I wish you luck. We only have your side of the story, but that is the same for any thread like this and I am sorry some people on here have been a bit harsh.

Original poster

Cowapjn · 20/08/2014 21:12

Catsize - thankyou very mich. Im just so dettermined to spend as much time with my daughter as possible and its killing me each day i miss out on her growing up!

Ill give the mediation firm a ring tomorrow and advise ive sent a written request which she had denied and they will send her a letter.

OP posts:

Ormally · 20/08/2014 21:13

Might something like this help you if you want to talk in person to people with similar experiences? (There are other similar things out there too):

www.familylives.org.uk/

I was thinking of a place in Bath (but hoping there might be similar set-ups elsewhere) that provides a weekend 'safe space' for separated parents to allow access on neutral ground for the other - such as dropping off or picking up children if they do not live with both parents. But it is also possible just to go and play like a toddler group even if one of the partners does not really wish to have any contact or is not on good terms with the other.

PPaka · 20/08/2014 21:27

I really don't think taking the baby for a walk for half an hour is asking too much.
Keep fighting

BuffytheReasonableFeminist · 20/08/2014 21:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Girlwhowearsglasses · 21/08/2014 09:15

Sort out social media! If she is a Facebook friend make sure you put her in a list that is restricted, or set your status updates to exclude her. I have two people I don't want to unfriend but they don't see anything on my time line (photo albums are not showing to them, status updates and likes restricted too.

They don't know this and I can reverse it. Don't I friend her as you won't know what she's doing and also she'll see public posts then

Girlwhowearsglasses · 21/08/2014 09:16

That should have read 'don't unfriend her'

HighwayDragon · 21/08/2014 09:28

I wonder what the mums op would be.

fwiw xp pays absolute minimum, and nothing more. To me this makes him a dick, what kind of father only gives the bare minimum?

Bouttimeforwine · 21/08/2014 09:35

Isn't there a support group for dads in your position. I can't remember what it is called though.

Keep all emotion out of all communication with her. Refuse to get into convoluted discussions or arguments.

Keep turning everything to the rights of dd. Neither parent has rights. Only dd does, and that is a right to have a good relationship with both parents. Be calm and reasonable at all times.

Get everything done legally.

Good luck

MagratsHair · 21/08/2014 09:46

I have battled hard for the past 3 or so months to get back together whilst its felt like she has battled me instead. She is extremely stubborn and drags things out. Also she will do or say things that make things worse (e.g she told me the other day she has a new boyfriend when she doesn't)

So she has made it perfectly clear to you that its over but you are not accepting it, in desperation she had pretended to have a new boyfriend but you still don't get the hint. She has split up with you. She does not want to be with you. Deal with it & stop being such a dick about it.

Get a solicitor or go to the CAB for advice about access & maintenance. You need to know what's reasonable & what's not. Decide with them what you wish to do & how to proceed. If you give her any money don't do it in cash as there is no record of it.

I wish you well but some things in your posts concern me. The passing references to your baby's welfare whilst in your care, this speaking to other girls which in your opinion she should have just overlooked, your tone that you are right & she is an unreasonable stubborn baggage. Something just doesn't sit right with me about you.

Get legal advice is my best advice to you, given the info you have left out of your posts.

BuffytheReasonableFeminist · 21/08/2014 09:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WooWooOwl · 21/08/2014 10:37

You sound like a lovely Father to me.

Do the CSA maintenance calculator and pay what it says. You're doing the right thing by paying it directly to her bank account because that will give you a proven record of the payments you make.

Keep fighting, don't waste time trying to get your ex to be reasonable, she clearly doesn't want to be reasonable so just get on with going to mediation and then straight to court if that doesn't work. Make the court thing happen as soon as possible because it's the only thing that will get you regular contact with your child, who needs you to be fighting for her.

It's possible that your ex will relent with your access arrangements when she sees that you're serious about going to court, but don't be swayed by it otherwise it will just take longer to get a proper arrangement set up.

Whatever the reasons are for your break up with your ex are irrelevant now, as are the mistakes that both you and she have made. Your only focus for now needs to be getting a regular arrangement in place for you to see your daughter, and when that's sorted, then you can think about trying to improve your parenting relationship with your ex.

Droflove · 21/08/2014 12:59

I personally think fathers who want to be fathers and are reliable and safe with their child deserve 50% contact if it is at all possible. OP, you need a solicitor. Your ex is wrong to keep your child from you and to behave like you need her permission to spend time with your own child (assuming you are a normal person who just wants to be a dad and not an abusive drug addict etc.). I hate the way some women think they own children. I wish you luck OP in trying to be the dad you want to be. She obviously won't make it easy (assuming your story is as it appears). Get a solicitor and start looking for fair custody. Pay what you are expected to pay and I hope you will find out how expensive kids are because she lives with you part of the week, not because an ex is taking money off you to pay for her to spend all the time with your child.

bluebell8782 · 21/08/2014 13:54

HighwayDragon Your ex may be a dick but sometimes 15% of a parent's wage is all they can afford. Just because a parent has moved out doesn't mean their wage will have changed from what it was when they were all living together. And if things were tight then, they will be even more so for BOTH sides. I think people forget that the NRP will often pay CSA PLUS spend money when they have contact, clothes, outings, activities, presents, food, petrol, electricity, water, stuff for school, bank account for child/ren..everything is extra.
Some NRP's are indeed dicks but not all who 'just' pay 15% with CSA are.

MassaAttack · 21/08/2014 14:06

Some good advice here already.

Who were these girls though, and what was the 'ridiculous thing' you put down to 'pregnancy stress'?

GoblinLittleOwl · 21/08/2014 19:11

I hold the deeply unfashionable view that the father's role during the first months of his baby's life is to do everything he can to support and protect the mother so that she may feel secure and focus on her baby, not to try to be a second mother.
You have had a brief, volatile relationship which has resulted in a child; the mother has decided for reasons you don't clarify to leave the relationship but is allowing you access to the child; you are now harassing her to take the baby away from her at far too young an age, and threatening legal action if she won't agree; any mother would be alarmed.
This is a child you are dealing with, not a piece of property, and it is a terrible way to start her life. Show your true concern for the baby by continuing to support her mother without strings attached and maintain regular contact, on her terms, not by coercion, and a relationship may possibly develop. You need to earn their trust.

EarthWindFire · 21/08/2014 20:57

Allowing him access to the child!? He is the child's father and should be able to see them.

HighwayDragon with regards to what you say about the OP being different if it was the mother posting you could say that about any other thread. Ones where mothers post do you ever question whether the OP then?

Droflove · 21/08/2014 22:06

Goblin Little owl, I feel upset to read your post. A man/father is perfectly capable of fully looking after a 9 week old on their own.Just as a woman/mother can (other than breastfeeding which is not an issue here). Its opinions like yours that lead to fathers and in fact children's rights being massively violated.

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