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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Hello Mums

70 replies

Cowapjn · 20/08/2014 19:28

I am a new Dad (apologies for using a Mums forum howeve I have used this forum before adn received excellent advice and its good to get a womens point of view)

Ill try and explain my story quickly.

I'm 28 and have a 9 week old baby daughter. My ex is 23 and we split up whilst she was around 7.5 months pregnant. I have battled hard for the past 3 or so months to get back together whilst its felt like she has battled me instead. She is extremely stubborn and drags things out. Also she will do or say things that make things worse (e.g she told me the other day she has a new boyfriend when she doesn't)

It has now got to a point where she wont let me see my daughter. I have spent the last 9 weeks seeing my daughter in her house supervised by her and her family. I have requested I start having her on my own and asked can I start off slowly taking her for half an hour slowing workign towards taking her for longer. She has denied this. The reason she states is that she doesnt feel like our daughter will be ok in my care. I Hhave changed nappys, fed her, rocked her to sleep during the night. Im good to go and have lots of help around me should i need it. Im now looking at mediation and then possible court. Its so frustrating as it feels like she is obnly delaying the inevitable and ill be spending a lot of money that could be spent on our daughter.

I pay her child support every month 10% of my wage which was a figure quoted to me by her. I also buy things like clothes, nappys, baby monitors e.t.c which bumps the figure up. She now states that i should be paying 15% of my wage. Why did it suddenly go up? She states 15% it what is stated by CSA. Even if the figure I should be paying is 15% and im only paying 10% im still paying more by buying other bits and bobs.

I have now booked to go to a music festival this week and used my credit card as i currently dont have the funds. Next month ill get a bigger wage so will pay my credit card off. She has kicked off big time saying my prioroties arnt right, im only paying 10% child support and i can afford to go to festivals. Ive explained i cant afford to go but i will be able to next month. Ive also advised her not to expect a rise in child support as my money is being spent on mediation.

Cn anyone help me out here at all? My life is a complete mess. I feel like im the father she will allow me to be. She wont let me see our child not because um not capable but because she has a grudge against me. Is there any point court to court with a child so young? Give me an option and id much rather spend all weekend with my daughter but she wont allow it.

Thanks Mums. I know people can be quite harsh on here but sometimes that is good. Please dont get on my back too much though as this is not what I really need. I need help advice adn support. Thanks

OP posts:

QisforQcumber · 20/08/2014 20:12

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."
Albert Einstein

Fairylea · 20/08/2014 20:14

Deja vu ......

LadySybilLikesCake · 20/08/2014 20:18

You don't need to explain the backstory, we already know it. Just explain what's happening now. Go and see a solicitor!!

NoArmaniNoPunani · 20/08/2014 20:22

Have you posted about this a couple of times before?

NoArmaniNoPunani · 20/08/2014 20:22

Xpost with everyone

Original poster

Cowapjn · 20/08/2014 20:27

Hello everyone and thankyou for your replies! This forum really is fantastic! I didnt meant to repost my origional thread and i don't know how that happened?

Responding to some of the advice and questions:

We split up over what i woudl put down to pregnancy stress. She finished with me over something so ridiculous. It escalated from there basically. As i have stated she is stubborn and likes dragging things out instead of drawing a lien under it and moving on. She has told me she no longer loves me, is moving on and its over for good. She found out i had been speaking to a couple of girls (note: just speaking) no arrangign dates or anything and she flipped despite her telling me its over for good and she no longer loves me. Since the birth she has spent one week completely find talking about us getting back together e.t.c and the next being nasty and constantly switching. I think its a case of her not knowing what she wants.

It looks like she has made her final decision now and its over for good.

She is't breastfeeding no so that isnt a problem. I sent her a letter 3 days ago requesting a take the baby twice a week for half an hour a time which would probably just be for a walk. She has declined this and stated she doesnt feel im suitable to have her on my own. I have done nothing to warrent this theory and if i did have my little girl on my own i would be an excellent dad and a greater bond would develop. I did as she asked and had supervised visits in her home but now she had put a stop to this.

I do feel she is influenced by her dad and step mum who she is livign with. her real mum and sisters are both completely fine reasonable people.

I shall up what im paying for her to 15%. Ill not feel bad for paying 10% as its what she first quoted me. Like ive also stated, i pay 10% of my wage but buy things. 2 weeks ago i bough 100 baby monitors for example which will be kept at her home.

Ill have to invite her to mediation first and the origional appointment is 150. If she accepts to attend its 150 an hour each. If we cant resolve it or she declines to attend we then go to court. I feel like this is only delaying the inevitable and spending money that could be spent on our daughter.

I am goinng to a festival and her argument is why am i only paying 10% and attending a festival. As ive explained to her numerous times im paying for the festival next month when i get a bigger wage. I didnt tell her im going to a festival and heavily suspect shes been spying on me.

As i have said she is very stubborn. I would love to work this out amicbly and sit down and talk but she wont.

It looks like my only option is mediaton and then attend court.

OP posts:

Original poster

Cowapjn · 20/08/2014 20:28

Hello everyone and thankyou for your replies! This forum really is fantastic! I didnt meant to repost my origional thread and i don't know how that happened?

Responding to some of the advice and questions:

It looks like she has made her final decision now and its over for good.

I do feel she is influenced by her dad and step mum who she is livign with. her real mum and sisters are both completely fine reasonable people.

As i have said she is very stubborn. I would love to work this out amicbly and sit down and talk but she wont.

It looks like my only option is mediaton and then attend court.

OP posts:

Original poster

Cowapjn · 20/08/2014 20:29

I think im having internet issues! My apologies ...

OP posts:

Original poster

Cowapjn · 20/08/2014 20:35

What do you guys think that going to court will gain me? Do you think ill be granetd unsupervised visits? The ex said to me all ill b given is parenting classes? and allowed to have her eventually after a few years.

Seeing a solicitor is the very last thing i want to do.

So me going to a festival this weekend isnt being unreasonable? as she has gone mad yet again saying im not paying for my daughter properly but i can afford to go to a festival this weekend. She has said i have my priorities wrong and they should be my daughter but im not allowed to see her? and me starting mediation proceedings is surely me proving my daughter is a priority right ...?

OP posts:

PenisesAreNotPink · 20/08/2014 20:36

You're doing the right thing:

Pay the 15%, don't pay anything else - save your money for court, don't let it drag on and on

Do not talk to her about festivals or what you spend your money on. Don't send unnecessary texts and emails.

Get a solicitor and a court date ASAP. It's fine for your daughter just to have lots of small amounts of contact - the court will do what's best for her and not you. You won't have her overnight for a long time as the court will likely decide she needs to be with her primary carer.

Do not harass her or mention the relationship, do not write anything down in a text message or email that makes you look like a wanker.

PenisesAreNotPink · 20/08/2014 20:39

Stop listening to her talking about parenting classes or criticising you, minimal contact - in fact you need none right now, you need a solicitor

It isn't that you need supervised visits it's that the child needs short amounts of time to see you somewhere secure, she's too little to be carting off for hours on end.

Stop talking to her.

PenisesAreNotPink · 20/08/2014 20:42

You've only paid 2 lots of child support, make next months 15% (and don't buy anything else) - send an email saying here's the 15% you asked for and i realise I only paid 10% the first two payments as that's what you asked for. I now realise it's supposed to be 15 so the different will be made up as I do not want to fall behind or pay the wrong amount if child support.

Factual and no emotion

Original poster

Cowapjn · 20/08/2014 20:42

"do not write anything down in a text message or email that makes you look like a wanker." Ive already probably made that error arguing with her. She argues too though she its not all one way but i realise that has to stop.

I didnt talk to her about festivals, she said she guessed id be goign but i know she has been spying on me probably on facebook.

I just wish things were so different. Who does she have to be so difficult and let this drag on? I only asked for 2 half an hour visits per week.

The inital mediation meeting is !50 which is just attended by myself and if she declines which i think she will as she cant afford mediation, it will go to court.

OP posts:

PenisesAreNotPink · 20/08/2014 20:45

Just stop making that error now

Your relationship with her is over according to her, you now have to focus on the right thing for your daughter.

It's great if she doesn't attend mediation as when you get to court she's going to look un cooperative. Get a solicitor. In fact if you've half a brain go to the court and file the paper work yourself and save yourself some money

Original poster

Cowapjn · 20/08/2014 20:47

I guess i just have to accept its over for good, accept ill have to go to court to get stable access to my daughter and cope in the mean time going without seeing her beautiful little face

OP posts:

fluffyraggies · 20/08/2014 20:47

Ill have to invite her to mediation first and the origional appointment is 150. If she accepts to attend its 150 an hour each. If we cant resolve it or she declines to attend we then go to court.

Who has advised you of this?

awsomer · 20/08/2014 20:49

Why are you against going to court? They'll set things up fairly for your DD and you'll all know where you stand.

Original poster

Cowapjn · 20/08/2014 20:51

@Fluffyraggies - the mediation provider advised.
@ Awsomer - I feel it shouldnt go to court and could be resolved between ourselves plus money costs which could be spent on the baby.

OP posts:

MollyHooper · 20/08/2014 20:53

Quick question, are you paying the maintenance money into her back account or just giving her the money?

Original poster

Cowapjn · 20/08/2014 20:57

she has just text me in resposne ot my written request for 2 half hour unsupervised visits per week saying she has concerns for the babys welfare in my care adn will discuss her reasons in court

OP posts:

maddening · 20/08/2014 21:00

Why don't you facilitate contact with ex and dd out of the house - find a baby swimming class and both go with dd - having 2 people at a baby swim lesson is far more fun than doing it on your own (loved it but changing afterwards was a pain and really took the fun out of it - go for a coffee afterwards with dd and walk her in her pram together - if her parents are fuelling her anger it might be good for her to be away from them and to feel secure with you and dd in a setting such as swimming might help her feel more confident in you.

Her reaction to being away from dd is natural and I think push for time with her away from the house rather than alone time is more productive than court - I wouldn't threaten a new mum with court so soon - it is an emotional roller coaster and stress only makes that worse - particularly as you identify this behaviour starting in the 3rd tri perhaps she is prone to pnd and so close to birth your hormones are still all over the shop coupled with lack of sleep and a broken relationship and a new baby - court will only make this worse.

Pay and play by her rules - gradually she will come round and if not when dc is older - say 18mths you will have a history of friendly contact, regular in the interest of the child contact - I think this is an age that courts look more favourably in unsupervised contact and particularly over night contact, so keeping it amicable now and building a good relationship with dd and co parenting relationship with ex will show good character from you and may naturally lead to expat ended shared contact anyway without the drama.

Right now she and dd need to build a secure and stable routine - even if you were together this would happen as she is the primary caregiver - you need to build your routine. In to hers in a way she is happy with - find baby groups and go together, join he national trust and take them out for walks in the grounds, swimming, take her shopping as it's much easier with someone else and give her time to relax with you jointly looking after dd - do things her way - she needs to know you are on the same parenting page - which you would do if you were living together - you'd discuss what bottles you wanted, which milk brand, which nappies, choosing cute clothes etc which is fun but can highlight differences that you never knew mattered- how you want to bring up your child is very much defined by your own experiences - there will be differences but as she is the primary caregiver and rp you really need to listen to how she wants things right now - she knows how d likes to be held, how to calm her when she cries, what her cries mean - as you aren't there you can't so you need to learn and let her know dd will be ok with you - as right now hormonal lay she feels v protective and no one else can keep dd safe like her - you shouldn't threaten her with court appointed separation from her baby - you have a lot of ground work to do.

Original poster

Cowapjn · 20/08/2014 21:00

MollyHooper - i pay the money into her bank account 10% of my wage but other things i but i just give to her.

OP posts:

fluffyraggies · 20/08/2014 21:02

OK so you're getting legal advice already.

I was thinking the same thing as awsomer. Honestly i think the cost of getting this sorted properly is well worth it for your daughters sake right now. Getting a reasonable plan set in place and going forward for you to see her regularly IS something for the baby. It's for your DD and you.

Yes, for now you need to separate your struggles over your relationship with your X from the sorting out access to your DD.

Try to stay away from (petty) arguments now and keep everything as straight forward, polite, reasonable and unemotional as you can even if it kills you to do so. Stay away from taking about little details of your life. As has been said make sure anything you send her in writing is fit to be seen in court.

Keep on with the little visits to your DD. You sound as if you are a loving dad. Do remember the baby is very young right now. She wont want or need long or elaborate outings.

fluffyraggies · 20/08/2014 21:03

X posted OP.

Go to court then. If she has no good reason to restrict access then you have nothing to fear.

Original poster

Cowapjn · 20/08/2014 21:04

maddening - I can try suggesting going out as a threesome away from her family however I think she will decline this. She is being very firm at the moment. There is no give and take with her and i think i just ahve to accept ill have no contact with the baby till this si sorted out legally.

OP posts:

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