To accept birthday party invites for DD with no intention of returning the invite.

[estya]

We don't really see any of our NCT group any more. We haven't seen anyone since the round of birthday parties last Autumn.
DD turns 4 in a couple of months and I had already thought that I'd let her choose who to invite this year, so they'll be her friends coming, not the kids of my friends including the NCT kids who she wouldn't even be able to recognise.

So we've just received an invite for the first birthday in the group (by email so dd hasn't seen it yet) and we happened to run into another person in the group who implied we'd be invited to her ds's party.

I am a SAHP, they work FT or nearly FT, so I guess we have a wider circle of friends that we have the time to see regularly.
If we invite the NCT kids to DD's party it gets much bigger and I'll feel bad and sad about not inviting other friends who we are closer to.

So do I turn down their invites? Or accept them at face value and not return the invite? Or change DD's party and invite everyone we know (again).

I think I'm leaning towards turning down the invites.

If you don't see them anymore it seems a bit pointless just going to the parties ,don't go .

Ask dd who she wants at her party, she might want some of the NCT kids. I would not accept the invite, if you have no intention of returning it. If you don't see much of them, and want to fizzle it out, what's the point!

If your dd doesn't remember them why bother?

I had this sort of problem, how to ease us out of the friends I had on maternity that I gradually saw less of but still felt I had an obligation to. I went back to work and never met the group much anymore. It's a bit awkward but declining invites because of 'other committments' is what I started doing.

Do all the people in your NCT group have their children's birthdays close together?

When people have parties for babies or toddlers its really the parents' party. At four years old its very much the child's party. A child is not necessarily friends with the child of one of its mother's friends. As children get older they like to choose who they play with.

If you like the friend then it makes sense to accept the invite and take the birthday child a nice gift. If you want to keep the friendship going with the mother it makes sense to invite the birthday child round on a different day to the party. For the other child's point of view it can be scary to go to a party where you know no one. You could decide to invite the child round for a nice treat on a different day.

Yes, the birthdays are about 6 or 7 week's. My DD is the youngest.

Yes, you are all saying what I know deep down. I don't want there to be a load of kids at DD's party who she doesn't know - it's totally her party this year. And I don't want to be someone who munches through the birthday cake with no intention of returning the invite.

I hate turning down a social event but that's really what's got to be done.

I'd accept the invites.

They have invited your dd because they or their children want her to be there, that's all. If you're right about then having less time to socialise then it could be that they have fewer children to invite and they need your dd to make up a decent party. Sometimes it can be difficult for working mums to get the contact details of their children's other playmates.

With NCT/antenatal groups, there's always got to be someone in the group that breaks the little traditions first, it would happen sooner or later anyway with children all going off to different schools. From my experience 4th and 5th birthdays were when most people stopped doing parties for the other NCT babies.

We're in exactly the same situation. I'm accepting them and not inviting them to DD's party as we are just having her nursery friends to that. TBH she likes a party, but they all know each other much better than she does. Their parties are all village hall type parties, while hers is a per head charge type, so I can't really justify spending that much more for a load of children she can't identify.

I think you should go to the parties if you want and should decline them if you don't want to go and I think it's ok just to invite those you want to your DDs party. It's as simple as that.

Nicola, that sounds a bit harsh! Or maybe I'm just sensitive as it's pretty clear that's what some of my maternity-leave friends are doing to me. Trouble is, I haven't magicked up a new set to replace them.

I agree with Whereforartthough. If you feel uncomfortable then don't go. I know what you mean. My dd finds it increasingly annoying accompanying me to yearly meet ups with mums I met when she was a baby! I only encourage her to come because all the other kids come! We decided this was the last meet up for her though.....she's nearly 12!

Isn't bringing a present to a party basically the pay-off rather than a return invitation?

Friends come and go. Children make a completely new set of friends when they start school and friendships often drift apart. This happens in adult life too.