To be so annoyed at MIL

[Floanna84]

MIL called DH today (he works away) to ask can she take DS (20 months) away to Wales for a week with her, SIL, SIL best friend and 3 children.
They've managed to book 2 luxury caravans v cheap for next week as they'd already been booked/payed for but the person has now cancelled.
DS is close to MIL and SIL and has had sleepovers at hers so aside from the normal worries about missing him I'm confident he'd enjoy himself. It would also be a treat for DS as we've just moved (this month) from rented accom into our first bought home, and are very skint at the moment so won't be going on holiday ourselves this year.

After talking to DH we decided that although we were both a bit apprehensive, it would be lovely for DS to go.
DH called MIL to tell her and she said 'we're going to do a big shop when we arrive so you only need to give him about £50 spends'
Although we don't really have the money, I was fine with that as toddlers can be very expensive, and I also planned to send him with his favourite foods and treats to share.

However, MIL called DH back later and in conversation told him that he would have to drive DS, SIL and one of the other children from our home in Manchester to South Wales on Sunday and then collect them the following Sunday, (she will drive and take SILs friend and 2 other children.
Im so annoyed!
Each round trip will cost at least £30 return and we literally do not have another £60 spare at the moment.
I have never before been in a position where I don't have any savings and I find dealings with family about money very uncomfortable.
We don't earn a lot but I am usually very generous with money and I'm not sure how to deal with the situation. I never expect anything for free and whenever MIL has DS for the day if childminder is off I always pay her £50 (a lot more than I pay CM) as I appreciate she is giving up her time.
DH told MIL we can't afford to drop and pick them up and MIL has said they won't be able to go then!
I really don't know what to do, should I try and borrow the £60 so DH can take them and pick them up or say sorry but we just can't afford it?
I wouldn't have minded so much if we'd had more notice, and could of budgeted for it but I just feel like we've been put in an awkward position.

I'm really sorry to be so long-winded, I'm rubbish at getting to the point ??

[rollonthesummer]

Have you now told her DS won't be coming? What has she said? When is the holiday?

[Curlyweasel]

Poor you and poor your DH

It seems to me she's using the fact that your DH wants to have a positive relationship with her (in spite of the history) as a means to get money from your family. It's emotional extortion IMO.

I think you should both take a step back and think about what value she really adds to your family and whether it's worth kowtowing to her (certainly not good for you OP).

Good luck xx

[ENormaSnob]

She is a cheeky scrounging twat.

Fifty quid spends for a 20month old

[AbbieHoffmansAfro]

Don't send your DS. And absolutely DO NOT lend your MIL any more money?
Has she paid back the other money yet? I'm betting not.

[Inertia]

Tell her that you can't afford the petrol, so unfortunately DS won't be able to go.

Am stunned that she charges you £50 per day to babysit him for you- are there no other childminders working in your area, or does your childminder have some kind of reciprocal agreement with another CM?

This holiday sounds like she's found another way to squeeze money from you, I'm afraid.

[Holdthepage]

Sometimes these MIL threads are 50/50 but bloody hell this one is a real witch. £50 spends for a 20 month old she has got to be kidding. Charging for looking after her own GC? She is more of a parasite than a GM. No, every time she asks for money, either charging for babysitting or borrowing, just no.

Take it from me OP with relatives like this there will never be enough money to keep them happy, no matter how much you pay/lend they will always be back for more.

[IDontDoIroning]

Play her at her own game - Say yes he will drive the petrol will cost £x - as bear in mind it's 2 return trips there and back . Split between however many passengers it will be £y each obv he doesn't pay a share.
Also say has to have it up front to fill the car up.

Or perhaps we will forget about it ???

[TheJiminyConjecture]

Play her at her own game - Say yes he will drive the petrol will cost £x - as bear in mind it's 2 return trips there and back . Split between however many passengers it will be £y each obv he doesn't pay a share.
Also say has to have it up front to fill the car up.

This. She sounds like she's not worth the effort to be honest. I don't think DS will miss out if she gets affronted and stops seeing you

[CombineBananaFister]

Sometimes in the hope of wanting a positive relationship for your Dc with their family you put up with far too much. Your poor DH too

It does seem she just see's you as being beneficial to know from a monetary POV and doesn't value the relationship. I'd charge for the lift as others have said but think your Dh needs to realize he probably isn't going to get the mother/son thing from her anytime soon if this is how she treats you all.

[LuluJakey1]

I am shocked at her asking for £50 for a day looking after her grandchild. My mum (if she was still here) would have been delighted and done anything for a grandchild. So would my MIL.

I can't believe she asked for £50 for spends. He will cost her almost nothing.

And now she wants you to give her another £60 in travel fees.

Tell her to get lost- politely. Explain you simply can not afford extra money at the moments and Ds will be staying at home . While she is away explore a nursery place so you don't find yourself beholden to her for childcare.

She sounds mean-minded and mean-spirited.

My MIL drove 260 miles from their house and then drove me 35 miles a day for a week to help me with my mum's flat after my mum died. She would not accept a penny from us for petrol. She said she was honoured that I felt close enough to ask her. (I did send her a huge bunch of flowers as a thank you.)

[JustSpeakSense]

Op this is probably rubbish advice (as I'm not very assertive) but perhaps if you really don't want DS to go on holiday with her, but also don't want the fallout and confrontation the best thing to do would be tell a white lie: DS not feeling very well or having nightmares and needs his mum at night or something similar so he can't be away for a holiday (or perhaps you are having car problems and can't make the trip) or unexpected expense (such as broken appliance) so therefore no cash for any sort of holiday or extra petrol money etc (just a gentle way of easing out if this situation without making waves) and then continue to gently ease away from situations where you need to hand over money to her in the future, so she can't really get pissed off with you (but at the same time you are taking back control)

Please come back and tell us how it all worked out? And how she has reacted! Good luck! X

[Floanna84]

Well.... Before I had a chance to call my DH today, he decided to speak to MIL and call her bluff!
He rang her and said we'd be happy for DS to go but he couldn't drive them. MIL then said, "no worries I can take him another time and give you more notice"
DH said he laughed his head off and said "more notice for what? To save up to take you on holiday?"
MIL then spluttered and mumbled a bit and quickly got off the phone!
She then called him back an hour later and said she had found somebody else to take them so DS could now come again! (She obviously doesn't want to lose out on the £50 'spends') DH politely declined and said DS wouldn't be going and MIL said 'that's fine' and ended the call!
After reading all your posts, I'm actually quite glad this has happened as I think DH has realised that she will never change and that no matter how much we try she will always push the boundaries. I'm not sure yet what he wants to do about his relationship with her but I think this realisation (as late as it is) can only be a positive.
I've also had a chat with CM today and she's going to approach a few other local CMs to try and put something in place to cover any emergency/short notice days she has to have off, although she assures me it's very unlikely to happen again.
Also, I just want to thank you all for your advice and for making me giggle. The 'cheeky scrounging twat' comment nearly made me wee!
Ive never posted before and I honestly am surprised at how much all your support has meant to me, so thank you xxx

[phantomnamechanger]

ye gods woman, the oddest thing on here is that you even considered sending your DS off with this bonkers woman with all her barking mad ideas!
so glad he is not going now!

WTF @ £50 spends for a 20mo!!! DD 14yo was only allowed 40 euro for a week in Germany!

[LuluJakey1]

Good on your DH.

You sound far too nice a family to be dealing with old money-grabber MIL.

[WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid]

Well done to your dh.

Love that he actually pointed out she was taking the piss.

[MrsKoala]

I am obviously completely different but i don't think £50 spends is a lot for a 20mo for 7 days. If we stop for lunch somewhere my DS would have a sandwich/jacket potato and a juice. That's easily a tenner. Do that a few times. He may want a balloon or bits and pieces out, a little toy, a ride on a machine. An ice cream/bit of cake here and there. I can't think i'd ever spend less than that on a toddler unless we never went out and self catered for the whole week (which isn't the norm on hols is it?). Must just be me.

I do agree with what you have said about MIL tho, and she sounds like she wants money from you more than spending time with DS.

[middlings]

Well done Mr Floanna!

Hope your DH manages to sort through the relationship in his head. Glad for all of you that he's come to the realisation, but what a horrid one to come to :(

[Castlemilk]

I know it's not the question for the thread, but I honestly don't think I could leave my child in the care of someone who saw their own small child go into care because they wouldn't put their needs before their own, and those of an abusive man.

There aren't really the words for someone who would do that. Do you want that for a grandmother?

[Cockadoodledooo]

So she actually needs a taxi service for the others and is dressing it up as your ds getting a holiday? If he was mine he wouldn't be going.

[valrhona]

50 pounds is mad money for 20 month old child. And yes they were looking for free travel there and back for the group. Delighted your DH stuck a big pin in your MIL's grabby balloon. Maybe she will cop on to herself yet.

[Chiana]

Bloody hell! I thought this was going to be just another "my MIL is annoying" threads, but the NERVE of that woman! Good for you and your DH, OP, for standing up to her. I can't believe she's been charging you so much for child care.

Also, i know it's not the point of the thread, but like another poster I am utterly incredulous at the very idea of a parent letting their child grow up in care rather than leave an abusive partner. I know it's very hard to leave but I'd think losing residency of your child would spur you on. Your poor DH! But it sounds like he's coping pretty well and he has a good support system in you.

Good luck with the new house!

[Chippednailvarnish]

Your DH sounds like a gooden!

[Sunna]

Good for your DH.

[TheRealAmandaClarke]

Hurrah for Dh
Yanbu (bit late to the table)
Enjoy your days out with ds.

[FishWithABicycle]

Wow - glad to see DH has called her bluff. A loving grandma simply does not do this manipulative money-grabbing pisstake. If she was genuinely only asking for legitimate expenses and was living close to the breadline herself then that's different but that's not what their is.

I'm not at all sure that someone who chooses to put their own son in care to allow herself to stay with an abusive man is an appropriate childcarer anyway.