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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so annoyed at MIL

106 replies

Floanna84 · 19/08/2014 10:40

MIL called DH today (he works away) to ask can she take DS (20 months) away to Wales for a week with her, SIL, SIL best friend and 3 children.
They've managed to book 2 luxury caravans v cheap for next week as they'd already been booked/payed for but the person has now cancelled.
DS is close to MIL and SIL and has had sleepovers at hers so aside from the normal worries about missing him I'm confident he'd enjoy himself. It would also be a treat for DS as we've just moved (this month) from rented accom into our first bought home, and are very skint at the moment so won't be going on holiday ourselves this year.

After talking to DH we decided that although we were both a bit apprehensive, it would be lovely for DS to go.
DH called MIL to tell her and she said 'we're going to do a big shop when we arrive so you only need to give him about £50 spends'
Although we don't really have the money, I was fine with that as toddlers can be very expensive, and I also planned to send him with his favourite foods and treats to share.

However, MIL called DH back later and in conversation told him that he would have to drive DS, SIL and one of the other children from our home in Manchester to South Wales on Sunday and then collect them the following Sunday, (she will drive and take SILs friend and 2 other children.
Im so annoyed!
Each round trip will cost at least £30 return and we literally do not have another £60 spare at the moment.
I have never before been in a position where I don't have any savings and I find dealings with family about money very uncomfortable.
We don't earn a lot but I am usually very generous with money and I'm not sure how to deal with the situation. I never expect anything for free and whenever MIL has DS for the day if childminder is off I always pay her £50 (a lot more than I pay CM) as I appreciate she is giving up her time.
DH told MIL we can't afford to drop and pick them up and MIL has said they won't be able to go then!
I really don't know what to do, should I try and borrow the £60 so DH can take them and pick them up or say sorry but we just can't afford it?
I wouldn't have minded so much if we'd had more notice, and could of budgeted for it but I just feel like we've been put in an awkward position.

I'm really sorry to be so long-winded, I'm rubbish at getting to the point ??

OP posts:
CrapBag · 19/08/2014 11:08

You can get a holiday from The Sun with the tokens for you, DH and your DS for what your MIL is expecting you to pay for her 'taking' her DGS away. Sod that.

LuckySaint · 19/08/2014 11:10

Just say no.
You could have some lovely days out with that £50 and certainly don't borrow any money to fund the holiday.
I agree that they just want him for the transport.

chocoluvva · 19/08/2014 11:11

So your ILs can afford the caravan but not an extra £60? Hmm What sort of week will they have with absolutely no spending money? As others have said, if it's rainy they'll feel they'd have had more fun at home with their home comforts.

whiteblossom · 19/08/2014 11:11

omg you pay your mil £50 to look after dgs for the day! Shock

I see mil got you to agree to ds going then hitting you with the costs oh and you must drive 'or we cant go' how the hell was she planning to get there in the first place? Putting the blame at your door that they cant go otherwise, what a cow.

I don't see the need for £50 spends- You would pack him a bag with nappies/some food and treats so what a few ice creams while out and about? I can see that perhaps you might want mil to treat herself to coffee and cake with the money for having dgs and giving you a break....

If you cant afford it- end of. Leave mil to sort her own holiday and transport.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 19/08/2014 11:14

My DM would scoff at the idea If I tried to give her money for babysitting DD, I only give Dsis money because she is 15 and she likes earning her own money.

My DM would certainly never ask for "Spends"

DD has just come back from a 10 day holiday with her other GC, they didnt ask me for a penny, nor would they take any if I offered.

I'd say he just couldnt go.

DizzyKipper · 19/08/2014 11:18

I'm suspicious that your son has only been invited to engineer your DH giving them a lift. I'm really shocked not only by what you're expecting to put towards this trip for your 20 month old (no it will not cost £50!) but the fact that your MIL actually charges you for looking after her GS! A differe.nt culture maybe but in my family we don't charge one another, we do things to be nice and because we love one another, not to profit out of it, and of course money offered is never taken Say no OP, loudly and clearly, and as many times as you want.

rollonthesummer · 19/08/2014 11:19

That's awful. How were they planning on getting everyone there before they involved you?

Say no, you can't afford it. Not your problem. Your mil doesn't sound very nice :(

hamptoncourt · 19/08/2014 11:25

YANBU and I agree with dizzy.

Keep it breezy, Oh what a shame, never mind and change the subject.

Don't let her turn it into some huge drama.

JustSpeakSense · 19/08/2014 11:28

  1. I cannot believe your MIL takes money from you to look after her GS! Shock

  2. I think £50 for spending money for a 20month old is ludicrous!Shock

  3. She expects you to drive other people to their holiday (and fetch them) at your own cost (why can't she take your DS in her car & the rest find their own way?Shock

  4. I think she sees your DS as a cash cow!Shock

  5. Your DS will not remember this holiday (a week in a rainy caravan in Wales is not such a great holiday anyway!) I think he would be better off at home - that amount of money could pay for all sorts of days out, treats, picnics & playdates! Shock

areyoubeingserviced · 19/08/2014 11:28

Say no to the 'holiday'
Can't believe your MIL actually takes the £50 for childcare.
Even if you offered she should refuse .

areyoubeingserviced · 19/08/2014 11:29

Agree about keeping it breezy and lighthearted

bloodyteenagers · 19/08/2014 11:30

Why would it cost additional money? Surely the other passengers cough up petrol money.

Oldraver · 19/08/2014 11:34

£50 is a HUGE amount of money to look after your GC...I think MIL has got used to you being a money pot and is being cheeky.

Say no and cut down on the £50's...plus anyone that uses the word 'spends' is a twonk

mummylin2495 · 19/08/2014 11:34

That is awful that you pay your ds,s grandmother to look after him for a day. I would of paid for the pleasure of looking after any one of my 3 GC if I had to. I would not of dreamt of making them pay me, when I had I had all the pleasure. We used to take our oldest gs on holiday and would not of expected his parents to contribute. I would keep him at home and not make yourself even more financially strapped. And I would not let your dh become a taxi service either

Vitalstatistix · 19/08/2014 11:34

I do think it would be best to say forget the whole thing, we can't afford it.

I also wonder, like a previous poster, if the invite was about you subbing their holiday and designed to then make you feel you had to play taxi.

Say no and use the £50 you'd already accounted for to buy your toddler a toy or something.

Merel · 19/08/2014 11:37

This belongs in the brass neck thread surely! I think I would politely decline and point them in the direction of the bus/train station.

Pinot4me · 19/08/2014 11:43

YANBU!
I'm stunned that MIL accepts money to look after her own grandchild..I'm am a nan and look after my DC's because I love to see them and because I love to help my son and DIL out!
I'm taking my grandson (5) away with us tomorrow, in our caravan and wouldn't dream of asking for a contribution!
Just say you can't afford it and spend the money on a couple of nice days out with DH and DS....

Original poster
Floanna84 · 19/08/2014 11:45

Thank you all so much!
My family are v different to DH family who won't do anything without being 'payed' and I often don't know whether IBU to think it's cheeky. I did think the £50 spends was steep but was willing to pay it.
My parents/sisters/friends all work FT and MIL was unfortunately our only choice when CM had a few single days off and the £50 a day is the amount she asks for! I think its too much but didn't really have another option, but I've just started a new leave year at work so hopefully shouldn't need to ask her again.
Ideally id like myself/DH to ask her what they planned to do if he couldn't drive them and to say that I think it's cheeky of her to ask but I'm very reluctant as I know she will be very confrontational about it.
Tbh it's a little bit more deep rooted as She didn't speak to my DH and I for three years the last time I was assertive with her about money (she'd asked to borrow £200 for the 3rd month in a row but hadn't paid back the previous £400) and she only made up with us just before my DS was born. I really want my son and DH to have a relationship with her but if I'm honest along with a few other things I feel like we're slowly going back to how it used to be and I don't want to be taken advantage of.
I'm definitely going to say no about the holiday but I'm not sure how to go about the whole 'money situation' thing again as I can see we are heading for a fallout again and I'd like to stop it before it comes to that.
Thanks again everyone you've really helped me ??

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 19/08/2014 11:49

She basically wants you to fund her, your sil and her friend's holiday.

She can jog on. OP, if your CM isn't that reliable, how about a nursery instead?

rollonthesummer · 19/08/2014 11:50

She's using you as a cash cow.

Say no to the holiday and use your leave cleverly so you don't need her then the money situation shouldn't arise. If she asks you for £200 again-say sorry you don't have it.

What does your DH say?

Vitalstatistix · 19/08/2014 11:51

choose to NOT be her cash cow.

She is not entitled to your money.

To stop speaking to you because you won't give her more money after she has failed to pay you back what she owes you says it all.

LookingThroughTheFog · 19/08/2014 11:51

She didn't speak to my DH and I for three years the last time I was assertive with her about money (she'd asked to borrow £200 for the 3rd month in a row but hadn't paid back the previous £400)

Yeah. She needs stepping right away from.

I'm definitely going to say no about the holiday

Good. I think that's a sensible move.

I can see we are heading for a fallout again and I'd like to stop it before it comes to that.

Serious question - are you enjoying having a relationship with her. Is it generally fun and warm and friendly with everything apart from money?

A couple of things in your recent post hit a couple of alarm bells for me. The first is that you don't feel able to talk to her about the lifts as you fear her response, and the second that you're worried about raising another subject as you fear a row.

How much, in this relationship, do you have a say on? Does she ever make compromises to save your feelings, or is it all one way?

rollonthesummer · 19/08/2014 11:56

Step aside. Get DH to ring/text and say definitely no.

When you say you couldn't do the lift-did she say that DS couldn't come as a result or that none of them would be able to go?

diddl · 19/08/2014 11:57

Say no to the holiday & with any luck she'll sulk for three years again.

It's up to your husband what he does, of course but she sounds such a pita I don't think that your son would be missing much by seeing little/nothing of her tbh.

Castlemilk · 19/08/2014 12:03

This is a good wake-up call.

They are users. Basically it sounds more like they invited your DS along so that they could get their travel and a bit more available cash for the holiday!

Back off big time. So she falls out with you - well, that's better than a constant uncomfortable relationship. Presumably you want to stay in touch because you feel contact is positive - if all the signs are that it's actually not positive, then there's no loss!

Simply say you can't afford it, so yes, he can't go. What a shame. She kicks off - you say 'Im sorry, what exactly do you expect us to do to change the fact that we don't have the money to give you?'

And change the childminding arrangement. 'Sorry MIL, we simply don't have the funds anymore, things are really tight at the moment. DS will have to go to nursery on that day.' If she then offers to take him for less (and let's face it, a real family member that's there for you in hard times would take him for free, surely?) then that's possibly a positive. If she kicks off, it's yet another indicator that they aren't interested in your family and are simply users.