To be so annoyed at MIL

[Floanna84]

MIL called DH today (he works away) to ask can she take DS (20 months) away to Wales for a week with her, SIL, SIL best friend and 3 children.
They've managed to book 2 luxury caravans v cheap for next week as they'd already been booked/payed for but the person has now cancelled.
DS is close to MIL and SIL and has had sleepovers at hers so aside from the normal worries about missing him I'm confident he'd enjoy himself. It would also be a treat for DS as we've just moved (this month) from rented accom into our first bought home, and are very skint at the moment so won't be going on holiday ourselves this year.

After talking to DH we decided that although we were both a bit apprehensive, it would be lovely for DS to go.
DH called MIL to tell her and she said 'we're going to do a big shop when we arrive so you only need to give him about £50 spends'
Although we don't really have the money, I was fine with that as toddlers can be very expensive, and I also planned to send him with his favourite foods and treats to share.

However, MIL called DH back later and in conversation told him that he would have to drive DS, SIL and one of the other children from our home in Manchester to South Wales on Sunday and then collect them the following Sunday, (she will drive and take SILs friend and 2 other children.
Im so annoyed!
Each round trip will cost at least £30 return and we literally do not have another £60 spare at the moment.
I have never before been in a position where I don't have any savings and I find dealings with family about money very uncomfortable.
We don't earn a lot but I am usually very generous with money and I'm not sure how to deal with the situation. I never expect anything for free and whenever MIL has DS for the day if childminder is off I always pay her £50 (a lot more than I pay CM) as I appreciate she is giving up her time.
DH told MIL we can't afford to drop and pick them up and MIL has said they won't be able to go then!
I really don't know what to do, should I try and borrow the £60 so DH can take them and pick them up or say sorry but we just can't afford it?
I wouldn't have minded so much if we'd had more notice, and could of budgeted for it but I just feel like we've been put in an awkward position.

I'm really sorry to be so long-winded, I'm rubbish at getting to the point ??

[NigellasPeeler]

what 'spends'?
she sounds like a cheeky biatch who is using your son to get a free lift/cheaper holiday.

[Floanna84]

Tbh after the last big fall out I was very reluctant to make up but I knew how much it was upsetting my DH to not see his mum so I made every effort to be polite and civil but told DH I didn't want a relationship with her myself but was happy for him and DS to and DH was very supportive of that. Unfortunately she has been coming round to our house more and more often and I found out recently that she's been asking DH to lend her money but he refused.
She's very loving with DS but I really don't like her very much and DH was bought up with foster carers (as his father was violent and MIL chose to stay with him) so I almost feel like she doesn't view DH as a son but more a friend to borrow money from! My DH is in agreement with me but again he's not sure how should broach the 'bigger situation' without a huge fallout again.

[snakeandpygmy]

Another one who can't believe that you PAY a grandmother for looking after her grandchild - let alone £50. If she's going on the holiday anyway it would cost her virtually nothing to take your little one along so asking you to fork out £50 is subsidising her holiday.

If it was just the lift I'd probably think 'fair enough' but added to the rest she's taking the piss big time. And if you did do the lift and I was the sister-in-law I'd be offering a contribution for petrol.

Spend the whole £110 on something you would like to do with your husband and son.

[annoyedofnorwich]

She sounds like a money grabbing pain in the arse. I'd be looking for alternative childcare. Fifty quid! To his grandma for odd days childcare! I'd understand maybe if it was say every Monday and she couldn't work that day because of it. You'd think she'd just like to spend the day with him occasionally. And fifty quid 'spends'- what?! Is that what she plans to spend at the pub or something! Re. the travel cost, surely you shouldn't pay it all, others should chip in with petrol money, no? Anyway it sounds altogether too expensive and like she's too grabby to me! Good luck dealing with her, I hope there is minimum fallout!

[EndoplasmicReticulum]

Did she ever pay back the £400 she owed you? She doesn't sound very nice. If you say no and she sulks and doesn't talk to you for another 3 years I think that would not be a disaster....

And £50 a day for looking after her grandson! Not even sure she's allowed to do that, is she a registered childminder?

My parents used to do a lot of childminding for me and I would give them some money to cover food, treats, days out, but nothing like £50.

[lorriehearts]

OP, at least you know that everyone on here thought your MIL was a piss-taker, even without the background! Sorry you've found yourself in this situation, but at least you can rest easy knowing that you're not BU, even leaving aside anything that happened before x

[rollonthesummer]

Omg-what a nightmare. I feel sorry for your DH as no one wants a mother like that but I think your lives would be better without much of her in it :(

[gimcrack]

It's not normal for a gp to be paid for occasional babysitting. Covering expenses if they are skint, yes. Repaying in the format of lunch/wine/flowers, yes. Also, she is ripping you off with the £50 and why are you being a taxi?

Has anyone offered you petrol money to cover the lift? As this is what most people do. Unless they're ripping you off.

[HannerHet]

Wow, she is taking the piss. Don't send him, and don't ever borrow her any money. She sounds grabby, and probably only invited DS so the others could have a lift there.
Did she pay back the £400?

[diddl]

Sounds as if she still isn't putting her son or GS first!

Yes, I'll take GS on holiday.

But you have to bring & collect, plus transport others.

Plus £50 "spends" for a 20month old!

It's not really helpful or thoughtful if it's a pita for OP & something she's not bothered either way about iyswim.

[sparechange]

So she sees you as a cash cow.

I wonder if the conversation with SIL and friend has gone along the lines of
"I'm so skint, this holiday is going to be a real struggle."
"Wait, I've got an idea. If we only take one car instead of two, that will leave more money. And I'll get someone else to take care of half the shopping bill. It will mean that we have another child though, is that ok?"
"If it saves us over £100, I don't care..."

And so you became the way to save on petrol money and pay half of the big shop

[bauhausfan]

Also - is she a good person to be left in sole charge of her grandchild if your husband was in care?

[Simplesusan]

Yabu.

I can understand you contributing towards the food/ spends, but then asking your dh to drive them to the holiday and bring them back home

• no way!
  

Tell them no, your dcs won't be going.

[Noodledoodledoo]

If his family won't do anything for no cash - then split the petrol between those who are travelling - so charge SIL and the other child (parent obviously) the cost of thier share of petrol for the drop off and pick up!

I would opt to pull out though.

[SueDoku]

YADDDDNBU.....!! I would no more take money for looking after my DGC than fly to the moon - and no way could I justify asking for 'spends' for a 20 month-old - the person that it would be spent on is the one doing the asking...!!!
Your DS will be perfectly happy to spend time with you and your DH, and frankly, much better off not spending time with someone like your MIL.

[BringMeSunshine2014]

I would just get DH to be straight with her (given your history I think it needs to come from him), there will not be any cash coming her way, not to see/spend time with your DS, nor as a 'loan'. Not in this underhand way nor by the way of 'childminding'. IF it causes a big rift, then you have the measure of her and your DH will really need to accept that his mother is only interested in his money and not him - I understand that's hurtful, but there's no point in pretending otherwise.

[BringMeSunshine2014]

Oh just in case it wasn't clear... I think she has only invited your DS because she knew you would give her cash for 'spends' and that she thought she would be able to guilt your DH into taking them & collecting them. Using you in other words, not because she wanted to take DS.

Your DS is wee, he wont know or care about the holiday and if she stops seeing you for a while because of this it'll probably barely register on his radar - MUCH better to get this sorted while he's so small. You can't keep letting her treat you like crap so that you don't confront her.

[Pangurban]

Hm, she told you the price of looking after her GS was £50 per day. That's a business arrangement.

Your husband had an unfortunate upbringing. His mother preferred he had to go into foster care than leave her abusive partner.

Thank goodness you hadn't already given her the £50, before you were informed of the other cost to you of this 'free' holiday for your DS.

[deakymom]

my friend used to give me £5 a day for taking care of her child i didn't ask she offered to cover my electric etc i looked after 1-3 children i offered to do it for free but took the fiver as it made her feel better she also sent food gave me more when she had it and i could use her tesco discount card for my school uniform shopping i helped her out because she had a job and couldn't afford the childcare at first (tax credits took months to sort out the child care part) i was unemployed and helping care for my nan anyway so i happily did it in my area it is a common arrangement

your mil is a user sorry xx

[wowfudge]

She thinks you are the rich relations who she can tap for money when she needs it/wants it. Not nice to find out someone is like that.

I think the person who has dropped out has either demanded their money back or the others had put in for her and now MIL finds she has a shortfall. Why else would someone want 50 to feed/entertain a toddler? Unless she just things you are a soft touch and 50 is what she thinks she can get away with.

As many (all!) pp have said, just tell them you can't afford it and thank you for the kind offer, but you'll have to pass this time. Then count how long it takes for her to say, 'You can't afford it, but you've just bought that house - you must have loads more money than we have'.

[mysaladdays]

We would be in a similar situation if our cm had a day off with asking relatives for help, but on the whole we have a good relationship with those that help. I do know that our cm does sometimes take children for other cm when they have the day off- I should stress this is all above board, it's an offer extended to the parents by their own cm when letting them know she'll be off that day. It helps those who don't have anyone they can ask, for whatever reason. The cm are well known to each other- I think a few will get together if the weathers too nice to be at an indoors playgroup, or when playgroups are cancelled in the holidays, so they're not going to a random person. Would this be something you would consider in the future? Maybe run it by your cm, she may know other cm really well, you could meet them in advance, etc. I suggest it because it would probably cost you less and you wouldn't have any of the emotional baggage that accompanies your current situation. Then you could still foster a better relationship between your ds and mil, but with less pressure on everyone and more on your own terms. You say she's good with him, so he gets to benefit from that without at least some of the other stress. You could always say that you don't want to impose on mil and it has the advantage of giving you a buffer as what would happen if mil couldn't help.

[middlings]

£50 spends for a toddler for a week?! Most attractions are free for the under 2s aren't they?? Most 20 month olds I know would be delighted with a bit of blackberry picking/swings/running about. If she's planning on spending money on getting into places with him, tell her that he doesn't need them and if she wants to go in with SIL then SIL can fund her, not you on the pretence of it being for your DS! Definitely getting you to fund her holiday. Massively cheeky.

I agree with PP, tell her that he can't go as it's too much money.

As for paying her more than the childminder, well, unless she's losing a day's pay and you're making that up, that's just plain mean.

[Sootgremlin]

If you don't want to discuss the money, you can just say you've changed your mind and would rather he satiated home.

He is your son, you don't have to explain yourself if you don't want to.

Sounds like they are taking the mickey and disguising it as doing you a favour. My dcs grandparents would never take money for looking after them. If I felt they'd really helped me out in a situation, I'd buy flowers or something and reimburse petrol, but I'd never think to actually pay them!

[gamerchick]

Definitely sounds like she's being manipulative to get somebody else to do the driving and to pay for a chunk of stuff.

Would it be such a bad thing if you fell out with her?