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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think not having your own child at your wedding is a bit weird?

99 replies

wanderingcloud · 18/08/2014 10:58

Totally prepared to admit to having judgey pants on here but a friend of a friend's hubby got married on Saturday. Whilst having coffee and a chat with friend this morning she was saying, despite her initial reticence leaving her youngest, how much fun her and hubby had child-free at the wedding. Fair enough, child free weddings are not my thing BUT I acknowledge it's the couples right to dictate this if they so choose. But it transpires when this bride and groom said no kids, they really meant it and their own two yr old wasn't there! Not at the ceremony, wedding breakfast or evening do.

I need mumsnet jury to decide if IABU thinking this is really weird behaviour!

OP posts:

indigo18 · 18/08/2014 16:59

RiverTam would you not have wanted to be married if you did not have a child? If your focus was on getting pregnant first, do you think you might not have bothered if you didn't have a child?
Asking out of interest, so not intending to come across as anything other than curious.

PeoniesforMissAnnersley · 18/08/2014 17:02

Nannyogg I don't think they minded really - it wasn't a proper wedding with like guests, dress, food etc. It was a quickie in the registry office and lunch in a pub - they chose to have a non-weddingy wedding partly because my step dad's family hate my mum bc she has 4 kids and had been married before... they thought she was using him, they've been together 8 years now and things are no better.

My youngest sister might have been a bit upset. My dad was devastated that my mum didn't tell him she was getting re-married. I felt terrible at being the only sibling there - tbh I probably felt worst about it!

MrsFunnyFanny · 18/08/2014 17:14

We had four young children when we got married, but didn't have them at the wedding. My family looked after them, while DH and I went off for a lovely weekend away with two friends, and got married with just four of us present. I do most things with/for my children, but this was something for me and DH to enjoy child-free. Don't think that makes us weird...

DaisyFlowerChain · 18/08/2014 17:15

I'd have thought it odd but some people think children are a hinderance rather than a joy.

However, I haven't been to many weddings where children have come before the marriage. I'd have not had them before a wedding and so presumably others still think the same.

Pico2 · 18/08/2014 17:18

YANBU

I think that my DD (3yo) would have questioned it as soon as she was old enough to either ask or see photos. She has already been quite upset when I mentioned holidays we went on before she was born. Initially she thought we must have left her at home - which upset her. I ended up explaining the birds and the bees and that she came along as an egg in my tummy. Had she been born and we left her out, there would have been ructions. She was also really upset when she found that I was married to DH as she wanted to marry him.

princessconsuelobananahammock · 18/08/2014 17:21

I don't think it's weird at all. A 2 year old won't enjoy a wedding and would change the dynamics of the whole thing. I'd have done the same!

merrymouse · 18/08/2014 17:43

Until a little over a hundred years ago women lost any independent legal identity on marriage and to all intents and purposes became their husband's property. For a long time many common people didn't bother with weddings (church didn't decide they were necessary till mid 16th century and state didn't get involved till mid 18th century). Marriage was often a business agreement, and a formal marriage and wedding ceremony was useful if you wanted to differentiate between legitimate and illegitimate children.

These days marriage certainly gives you some advantages if you want to e.g. avoid inheritance tax or capital gains tax when passing property to your life partner. However, plenty of marriages involve neither children nor women.

There is nothing wrong with the idea that your own marriage should involve a froofy wedding dress, love hearts, a virginal bride and lots of flower girls.

You can even think that that is the only proper kind of marriage. It's just that in a more general, legal, historical, cultural sense you would be wrong.

Delphiniumsblue · 18/08/2014 17:58

Each to their own- I wanted my child there as principle guest- other than parents and siblings the rest didn't matter much.

Delphiniumsblue · 18/08/2014 17:58

Of course they will enjoy it if you make it enjoyable for them!

magicmeaway · 18/08/2014 18:02

I would do that to. I love my children & spending time with them - but I also love getting away from them.

I would not want to spend my wedding day dealing with tantrums and changing nappies.

As long as the child is looked after by someone nice it really is not important that they miss the day.

Ragwort · 18/08/2014 20:13

Had she been born and we left her out, there would have been ructions

Why does a three year old dictate how you make your decisions - tough if there are 'ructions' - do you give in to them over everything?

Or are you saying if she had been born and was just a few weeks old and not included in the wedding there would have been 'ructions'? .

vvviola · 18/08/2014 20:25

We got married when DD1 was 11 months old (although some of you will be glad to know we dashed off to the registry office when I was 7 months pregnant to do the legal side. The church wedding, which was very important to me was already booked so we did that when DD1 was 11 months old).

DD1 wasn't there - she spent a lovely morning with her childminder. My aunt then collected her after the ceremony, so she came to the reception, got fussed over by everyone, cuddled by all the relatives and had her photo taken. Then my lovely aunt dropped her back to the childminder down the road, where she stayed the night.

Shock horror, we also went on the first part of our honeymoon without her - she stayed with my parents for a week, and then they all (my parents, FIL, step-MIL, MIL, BIL joined us at a villa in Italy for the second week)

I anticipate there being chaos when DD2 (4 years younger) is old enough to realise she wasn't there

Pico2 · 18/08/2014 22:38

Ragwort - Yes - there would have been ructions if DD had only been a few weeks old, left out of our wedding and found out later. She'd only need to be in some photos of the reception to have "been there". And I completely see her point of view on these things. She is at the heart of our little family and she knows that she is incredibly important to us. We do stuff without her, but not really big stuff like holidays or getting married (other than having got married years before she arrived).

She doesn't get to dictate everything and is pretty reasonable when she is told "no". For example she knows that she won't get to name our new baby (after a few bizarre suggestions) and took it reasonably well when I explained that she couldn't be the baby's mummy, though she has struggled with not being allowed at the birth .

Perhaps you can't generalise. My DD is quite a deep thinker (for 3 a year old) and we have a lot of photos around our house, so she likes to know or make up the story around the photos. Perhaps other children wouldn't notice that they weren't in the photos. I held a bit of a grudge through my childhood because my older brother went on holiday with my parents before I was born - so maybe it's a family thing.

Nicklt1988 · 18/08/2014 23:01

I never went to my parents wedding. Doesn't bother me.

We didn't take our daughter to our wedding, as it was also our honeymoon (Venice) in fact we had no family there, just a couple of randoms for witnesses.

indigo18 · 18/08/2014 23:25

Pico2 'she knows she is incredibly important to us'... oh yes, I think we can see that!

Nanny0gg · 19/08/2014 01:11

Why does a three year old dictate how you make your decisions hmm - tough if there are 'ructions' - do you give in to them over everything?

Oh for heaven's sake! Pico2 is just illustrating how she wanted to do things! She is not saying that her DD rules every aspect of their lives!

musicalendorphins2 · 19/08/2014 01:45

We brought our 13 year old and left the 18 month old at home with a sitter.

NoodleOodle · 19/08/2014 04:51

Daisy Were you worried about losing your virginity on your wedding night, excited, or both?

Were you not anxious that you were tying yourself to someone for LIFE without knowing whether you were sexually compatible?

DaisyFlowerChain · 19/08/2014 08:58

Noodle, nearly choked on my breakfast reading that lol.

I never mentioned no sex before marriage, I'm not religious in the slightest. I disagree with children before marriage as believe in the the commitment and stability for children plus other things. Contraception is freely available and various methods can be used together if so wishes so there is very little risk of pregnancy is used correctly. Most "accident" are through misuse or on purpose.

RVPisnomore · 19/08/2014 09:02

YANBU, when we got married DS was 16 months old and whilst he won't remember it we both do. We have some beautiful photos of him in his kilt and for me the day would have been missing a very important person if he hadn't been there.

Each to their own, but I personally couldn't have got married without him.

Montegomongoose · 19/08/2014 09:10

Don't think it odd at all. Very sensible. Two is too young to make any meaningful contribution to an adult ceremony and celebration.

I wouldn't have wanted any two year olds at mine.

Infinity8 · 19/08/2014 09:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ragwort · 19/08/2014 09:42

But surely it's important for children to realise that they do not have to be at the centre of everything, that some events might just be for adults - as I mentioned earlier, I didn't go to my mother and step-father's wedding (I was 3 at the time - same as Pico's daughter) and in all honesty, until this thread I have never even thought that it was an issue - actually I still don't, I am just commenting on the fact .

indigo

WhereforeArtThou · 19/08/2014 10:07

Well......

DH and I got married in a bit of a rush for work permit reason (and because we loved each other ) so we had a small wedding with about 15 of us. We went to the registry office in the morning and then to a private room in a very fancy (3 michelin *'s) restaurant where we had a lovely long afternoon eating and drinking. Then we went home at about 7 ish. It was a lovely relaxing, happy and romantic wedding. The best I have ever been to. (we paid for everything ourselves and asked for no gifts at all)

We were the only ones at the wedding who had a child and it actually didn't cross my mind to take my son . He was 1 3/4 at the time and as I had an amazing childminder we just left him with her instead. This was all pre mumsnet so there was no 'over thinking' going on on my part.

My eldest was a lovely happy toddler and I am sure he would have enjoyed it but I genuinely think he would have been happier with his childminder than being in a pouncy restaurant for hours on end.

I also enjoyed the wedding more without him. It was nice to just think of me and my DH and not to have to consider our child. It was also nicer for everyone else like my DM and DMIL who then could just relax and enjoy the 10 course meal and lots of wine rather than being lovely grannies like they usually were.

My eldest is now 22 and isn't scarred by being 'excluded' from his parents wedding.

YAB very very U and very JUDGEY.

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