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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think not having your own child at your wedding is a bit weird?

99 replies

wanderingcloud · 18/08/2014 10:58

Totally prepared to admit to having judgey pants on here but a friend of a friend's hubby got married on Saturday. Whilst having coffee and a chat with friend this morning she was saying, despite her initial reticence leaving her youngest, how much fun her and hubby had child-free at the wedding. Fair enough, child free weddings are not my thing BUT I acknowledge it's the couples right to dictate this if they so choose. But it transpires when this bride and groom said no kids, they really meant it and their own two yr old wasn't there! Not at the ceremony, wedding breakfast or evening do.

I need mumsnet jury to decide if IABU thinking this is really weird behaviour!

OP posts:

sesamstrasse · 18/08/2014 14:26

What's the point in being married as soon as you're pregnant? I'm sorry I don't understand the reasoning?

sashh · 18/08/2014 14:27

Marriage or its equivalent in nearly all human cultures is meant to protect mothers and children.

Er no it's not. It's about property and seeing women and children as property.

sesamstrasse · 18/08/2014 14:27

If you're already pregnant you've already fucked the whole chastity thing, why not wait when you're not sick and can have a wedding you want? Children don't mean you can't do anything

I wasn't incompetent with contraception, question still stands.

HatieKokpins · 18/08/2014 14:28

Their wedding, their kids, very much their rules. Some people do get a bit odd about things that aren't their business, eh?

Eminybob · 18/08/2014 14:29

I don't think the op asked whether or not the couple should have gotten married before having a child but some posters have chosen to focus on that.

I'm sick of this attitude on here, I've never come across it in real life. If the question is should I get married before having children for legal reasons, then feel free to say yes you should. If the question is anything else, then your opinion on children before marriage is irrelevant.

Purpleflamingos · 18/08/2014 14:29

That will go down well in later years. I conceived ds1 on honeymoon. Both dc ask me where they are on our wedding pictures. I have to tell them they weren't born but they still think it's very unfair that they weren't there.

RiverTam · 18/08/2014 14:30

So many weddings seem to be more about the 'show' and the 'party' rather than the formal commitment to each other.

that sums it up for us. We'd been together for 10 years by that point. We focussed on actually having DD before getting married due to my age and general problems we had in having her. Once we had her it seemed the ideal time and what we actually wanted was to be married, not to get married, so the actual wedding bit was just a formality.

So DD came to the 10-minute max ceremony, then had lunch which she enjoyed, a nap and then had lots of doting grandparents and friends in her own house. When she got a bit fractious a friend took her up to the swings at the top of the road, together with her own son, for about half an hour.

It was a wonderful day and I'm so pleased she was there!

NotYouNaanBread · 18/08/2014 14:31

I think they're dead right. The child is 2, so doesn't know up from down anyway. He or she is hardly sharing in their day in any particularly meaningful way BUT would require constant attention from Mummy ALL DAY LONG, especially in such a novel and busy situation.

If the child was 5 or 6, then it would be different, having your own toddler at your wedding would be a pain.

DrunkenWhore · 18/08/2014 14:32

It's not something I would do. We got married before we had kids together, but if we did I couldn't have done it without them there. It wouldn't have felt right.

We did have a very small child-free wedding. But DSD was of there of course, she was 6 at the time and was my bridesmaid. DH's nephew was also there, he was 4.

sesamstrasse · 18/08/2014 14:33

Eminy, agree. I let myself get pulled into it haha

zukiecat · 18/08/2014 15:13

DD1 was 10 months old at my wedding, I wouldn't have got married without having her there, what others do is not my concern, I would find it strange if a couple's child/children were not there but I wouldn't say anything.

My mum's aunts looked after DD1 during the ceremony (she asked me if she could do this) and for some of the time during the photos, but for the rest of the day I looked after her myself, I loved having her there, and if she couldn't have been, then there would not have been a marriage that day!

OneSkinnyChip · 18/08/2014 15:33

My gut feeling is that YANBU - I would not want my own child excluded from my wedding day (although we got married pre-DC so didn't need to worry about it). But a two year old would be a nightmare to handle at a wedding, even slightly older kids can be. We were at one wedding where the middle child was about 3.5 and was a complete brat who pretty much ruined the day for her mum (bride). No one's fault, just the child was going through that unfortunate, clinging, moaning, miserable stage some 3 yr olds go through, especially when they are dragged out of their normal routine and are possibly a bit spoiled. The baby and the older child (5 or 6) were fine.

So in practical terms the parents probably enjoyed the day more without their toddler but I wouldn't have done it personally because it would have felt wrong excluding them from such a big occasion.

MoominKoalaAndMiniMoom · 18/08/2014 15:55

Some posts on this thread are like a time machine back to the 50s.

OH and I have had a surprise baby due to 'incompetence' with contraception. We still have every intention of having the big wedding we want in a few years time because hey, guess what, it's signing something legal followed by a party. You're still allowed to party when you have kids.

Just because it doesn't fit into your ideal vision of the perfect family, doesn't mean it isn't someone else's idea of perfect :)

MoominKoalaAndMiniMoom · 18/08/2014 15:56

OP YANBU to personally find it weird, I'd find it odd, but at the same time, their day their way.

ClairDeLoon · 18/08/2014 16:06

YANBU but I can see why they might fancy a child free wedding after going to my friends wedding. She has three kids under 4, incl. DTs aged 2. They screamed bloody murder through the ceremony because they wanted their parents and not to sit with relatives, so she and DH had to say their vows with a twin each wriggling under their arm.

It ruined their moment a bit! They wish they at least just brought the kids to the reception and not the ceremony. The twins wouldn't have known any better. Their DD1 was perfectly behaved but was flower girl so had a little responsibility and appreciated it was a special occasion and had to be good, but the little ones were too little to 'get it' and old enough to be a pain. You can't just take a two year old out for a walk like you can a crying baby.

MrsMook · 18/08/2014 16:12

Yanbu. Marriage is the formal creation of a family unit, so it seems strange to exclude the children of that relationship. A small wedding with minimal guests, I can understand, but not a larger wedding with a wider circle of friends and family.

Being bridesmaid and best man with our toddler there was no bother. I could have done without morning sickness though!

maninawomansworld · 18/08/2014 16:18

No not weird at all. Child free weddings are AWESOME.

Don't get me wrong, I don't mind other people's DC's at weddings but my own.... sod that, I want to talk to my adult friends, drink the bar dry and hit the hog roast without having a child clinging to my leg / fighting with his sibling/ needing his nappy changed / crying for no apparent fucking reason whatsoever....

Much more fun to leave them with Nan and Granddad!

HavanaSlife · 18/08/2014 16:23

I'd think it was weird too, unless it was a quick trip down to the registry office and no party type thing

Nanny0gg · 18/08/2014 16:28

All this - a two-year old would hate it.

Really? Mu DiL had an 18month old bridesmaid who had a whale of a time!

Andrewofgg · 18/08/2014 16:32

I don't want to be at my own funeral either, is that odd

browneyedgirl86 · 18/08/2014 16:35

I think it's down to the bride and groom. It's their day after all. Depends on the age of the child.

CerealMom · 18/08/2014 16:42

Flowers in the Attic?

NigellasPeeler · 18/08/2014 16:45

yes really weird = my children are still upset that their dad did not even tell them he was getting married let alone invite them.
ditto my dad but that is ancient history

I8toys · 18/08/2014 16:45

Very odd - its a chance for family to get together and meet up for an occasion that celebrates being a family. Find childfree weddings very dull tbh. Its all about image and how a perfect wedding should be these days. Perfect pictures, no children making noise. My cousin's baby was sick down my wedding dress - was I bothered - no. I was glad to see her and appreciated her travelling miles to be with us.

Tikimon · 18/08/2014 16:46

Bringing a child that young is for the parent's benefit only. A 2 year old isn't going to get anything out of it, or understand what's going on. I'd probably leave my 2 year old at home where I knew he was having fun with a baby sitter instead of being in a loud noisy environment that would make him uncomfortable.

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