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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think not having your own child at your wedding is a bit weird?

99 replies

wanderingcloud · 18/08/2014 10:58

Totally prepared to admit to having judgey pants on here but a friend of a friend's hubby got married on Saturday. Whilst having coffee and a chat with friend this morning she was saying, despite her initial reticence leaving her youngest, how much fun her and hubby had child-free at the wedding. Fair enough, child free weddings are not my thing BUT I acknowledge it's the couples right to dictate this if they so choose. But it transpires when this bride and groom said no kids, they really meant it and their own two yr old wasn't there! Not at the ceremony, wedding breakfast or evening do.

I need mumsnet jury to decide if IABU thinking this is really weird behaviour!

OP posts:

bananaleaf · 18/08/2014 11:36

My DSD didn't come to our wedding, much as I would have loved her to be there. She was 8 then, DH is the NRP and the wedding was 12000 miles away. We were away for weeks and she would have been the only child there. Not a child free wedding by design, just no one else had kids yet. It doesn't always work out to be possible.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 18/08/2014 11:53

I'd assume that the child was unplanned and they wish to make their marriage appear to be as traditional as possible probably to placate parents.

In reality of course, the child could have sensory issues or all kinds of other reasons for not attending, so I would try not to hoick my judgey pants up my eyeballs.

merrymouse · 18/08/2014 12:51

I think it depends on your concept of a wedding.

To me it's a bit of legal stuff and a party.

The kind of party you have to celebrate your wedding is up to you. Many of the traditions we associate with weddings didn't exist 100 years ago and most of the hoopla (hen parties, hired castles etc.) didn't exist 40 years ago. It was fairly uncommon to have a child before marriage 30 years ago and same sex marriages didn't exist 10 years ago.

There is no should or should not. If you want to have an adult party to celebrate signing a legal document and leave your 2 year old at home, I think that is perfectly fine.

PeoniesforMissAnnersley · 18/08/2014 12:54

My mum got married to my step dad without most of my siblings there - she came to visit me in my university town in England (we're from Ireland) and got married there. My husband and I were the only ones at the wedding.

GemmaWella81 · 18/08/2014 13:06

Non issue....

A two year old will not remember, it's an unnecessary burden on others as I'm sure the b & get won't have time to look after it.

Not weird.....unexciting normal.

indigo18 · 18/08/2014 13:18

I don't see what's wrong with people suggesting 'get married first, then have your family'. OK I know some people are against marriage, but a lot of folks have one, two three or more children and then get married, and will often say that they always planned to marry. So why not do it first? I don't imagine that all those children were 'accidents'; so many people can't be that incompetent. As for the poster who said it would be odd to promise to be good parents if they did not already have a child, well relly, tha's just daft!

whatadrain · 18/08/2014 13:19

My eldest only came to my wedding to have some photos. He's severely autistic and wouldn't have been able to cope with any more than that. I agonised over the decision for ages but I stand by my choice, despite the criticism I received!

I can see why they perhaps wouldn't have the 2 year old to the speeches, dancing etc but I would probably dress them up and let them have a role in the ceremony. Each to their own, I guess.

Nanny0gg · 18/08/2014 13:20

How did your siblings feel about that?

Softlysoftlycatchymonkey · 18/08/2014 13:20

indigo what century do you live in??

NinjaLeprechaun · 18/08/2014 13:29

Generally speaking, if weddings are for families then it doesn't make any sense to exclude the main part of your family.
My daughter's dad and step-mother have four mostly grown children between them - they got married and told the 'kids' (Daughter is the youngest, she was 17 at the time) about it a few days later. That's a bit odd, no question. And her daughter apparently didn't speak to her for several months after the fact because of it.

sashh · 18/08/2014 13:36

I know a few instances:

couple worked together, went to the register office at lunch time with 2 witnesses, went to the pub for a meal and back to work. Child was in nursery. The following day they all went skiing for a holiday/honeymoon.
father married OW. Did not tell his ex or children that he was getting married. His mother was taking oldest child on holiday, so told a very excited 8 year old on the plane that his dad had remarried.
kids were at the wedding (1970s, second marriage for dad) but the couple then went for a 1 month tour of Europe leaving the children in Australia with their new nanny.
Second marriage for dad, mum wouldn't let child attend his dad's wedding.

MissPearl · 18/08/2014 13:52

We didn't have our dc there .They were at school.We nipped to the registry office with DM and DF and then had a fantastic lunch.
Later we collected the dc from school and all went on honeymoon.
If I did it again the dc would come to the wedding but not the honeymoon

chrome100 · 18/08/2014 13:54

My sister and I didn't go to our parents' wedding (we were 5 and 3) and spent the day at school and nursery.

In fact, I didn't even know they'd got married (I think I assumed they already were) until years later when I asked my mum about their wedding and she casually mentioned I'd been at school.

MamaLazarou · 18/08/2014 13:55

YABU, doesn't seem weird to me in the slightest.

Migsy1 · 18/08/2014 13:56

You can't enjoy your wedding if you are being responsible for a child.

WorraLiberty · 18/08/2014 13:57

How odd. What's going to happen when their DC is old enough to realise he/she was 2 years old when mum & dad got married?

My guess is nothing is going to happen

RiverTam · 18/08/2014 14:02

I enjoyed mine because there were doting GPs all fighting over DD (not really) which meant DH and I could get merrily pissed and socialise with our friends.

Our wedding was a nip to the registry office with DD and a couple of chums, zoomed through that, lunch with said friends and DD, then back to ours, DD napped while we got the house ready for our party. It was lovely!

GlaceDragonflies · 18/08/2014 14:06

My middle child was a baby when we got married. No problem with looking after a baby at all, I held him or his godparents did and it was no more complicated than it would be having a baby at a baptism - which I'm sure we all do :)

Ericaequites · 18/08/2014 14:06

I agree with indigo. I also feel a big wedding is inappropriate once you already have a child or children with your partner.
Marriage or its equivalent in nearly all human cultures is meant to protect mothers and children.
In the last half century, changes in state welfare policy in the major Anglophone nations have made unmarried parenthood more economically feasible. This has not been entirely a Good Thing.

snakeandpygmy · 18/08/2014 14:09

My ex-husband got married when our children were about 8 and 9. He didn't tell any of his family about it before hand, though I understand that all of his wife's side of the family were there. He phoned up the week after and told our daughter that he was going on holiday because he had just got married - oh, and could she tell Nanny (his mother)!

He doesn't have a very good relationship with our (now grown) children, but this was only one example of his dickwaddery, so no surprise there.

As far as not having a two year old there I think that's up to the couple. Most two year olds wouldn't enjoy a wedding ceremony, or a formal wedding breakfast and I can see not wanting them at a noisy evening do, though if it were me then I would want them there, hopefully with a babysitter who could whisk them away of they got too bored or restless.

loudarts · 18/08/2014 14:09

I had 3dc with dh when we got married and they didn't come to the wedding, although no-one came, we went to the registry office got married and came home again with no fuss. If we had had a big wedding then the dc would have been there

Ragwort · 18/08/2014 14:19

No, I don't think it's odd - a two year old would hate being at a wedding, what would he/she do all the time? For the person looking after the child it wouldn't be much fun either.

My (widowed) mother married my step father when I was 3, I wasn't there - I've never even thought about it before reading this thread (and it was over 50 years ago ). It was an incredibly small wedding, just two witnesses and a meal out in a restaurant.

But actually I agree with others in that having a big, flashy wedding when you already have children does seem a little tacky and uncecessary. So many weddings seem to be more about the 'show' and the 'party' rather than the formal commitment to each other.

sesamstrasse · 18/08/2014 14:20

Indigo it's not about being incompetent sometimes contraceptives fail.

Elle I didn't plan on having children BEFORE being married but I got knocked up by dfiance unexpectedly, should I have terminated or never got married? Which would you prefer?

I didnt want children at my wedding, I'm not sure a 2yo would mind too much even when they're older

sesamstrasse · 18/08/2014 14:23

I also don't understand the photos thing, they wouldn't be in the photos if they weren't born before parents were married either, why would anyone care they weren't in their parents wedding photos...!?

Ragwort · 18/08/2014 14:25

I know this is an old fashioned view but you could have got married as soon as you found yourself pregnant sesams - so many people (and I am not saying you are one of them) seem to think it is more important to lose the baby weight, or save up for a big, flashy wedding rather than just quietly have a small wedding.

And let's be honest, lots of people (including members of my own family) are incredibly incompetent regarding contraception, I just don't believe the number of genuine failures or 'surprises' that people routinely mention on Mumsnet.

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