Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Original poster

Woman in sainsburys with autistic son....

189 replies

Pinot4me · 17/08/2014 13:45

I joined a queue in sainsburys earlier today. There was a woman with a baby in a buggy (probably about 2 yrs old) and a boy of about 7/8. The boy was really agitated and playing up and the mum asked me if I would mind queuing at a different till as her son was autistic and was having a really bad day and he hated having people behind him (or crowding him). Tbh, I didn't mind moving at all as I could see she was struggling, so went to the till on the next aisle. The same thing kept happening as it's a big, busy sainsburys and, for obvious reasons, the queue she was in was the shortest. She politely asked everyone who joined he queue to move away. There were 2 people in front of her...I just can't believe that nobody let her go in front of them...she was really struggling and the boy was getting more and more distressed. I've never come across anything like this before...the cashier could see what was happening. Should she have offered help? It made me realise that we take he simplest things for granted. Surely someone should have offered to let her go through first? I definitely would have done if I had been in front of her...would you?

OP posts:

Owllady · 18/08/2014 20:11

You need to complain, honestly, even if it's only by email each time. They need to be disciplined. It's completely inappropriate and not at all professional.

I only had one comment in asda once about the disabled trolley, she (the person on customer services who I I asked to unlock it)said I was lazy. I took her name and spoke to the manager and she received a written warning and was put on some awareness training. Apparently.

Pixel · 18/08/2014 22:10

The other problem of course is that it doesn't take much to go backwards. So true. We'd actually got ds to the stage where we could manage short journeys without the Houdini harness if I had someone else in the car just in case (and his school never used one at all in the minibus). Half a term with a new --clueless- escort and his behaviour had deteriorated so much that not only were we back to using the harness in our car but the taxi firm was refusing to take him to school!

I took ds to the supermarket today and he was totally hyper the whole time, (I actually still feel a bit battered, he's not at all violent but very sensory-seeking). This thread made me realise that the checkout is now the easiest part of the experience when it used to be the worst. How/when did that happen? This is the problem, you work at solving one issue and another one pops up in its place. It's very wearing .

ChoosandChipsandSealingWax · 19/08/2014 07:27

Yes on the whole people don't help, just assume DS is being naughty.

A lot of people don't really want to know/hear even when you do try and explain (for those upthread who were saying "why don't you just tell them" - if the meltdown isn't too severe for that of course). Eg yesterday we were walking in the street and it suddenly got busy and DS couldn't cope with sudden influx of people and hit the nearest person (not hard at all - more a vertical "keep away" warding off pat). I of course apologised but she got all huffy that DS (he's 5) hadn't himself apologised - he'd lost his speech by that point as he was agitated and struggling not to go into meltdown - I said he had autism and difficulty talking but she just didn't seem to hear/want to understand - just walked off huffing to her friend about how rude DS had been not to say sorry.

ChoosandChipsandSealingWax · 19/08/2014 07:46

(I'm not suggesting it was OK for DS to hit her btw. Just this when I tried to explain she wasn't interested and walked off in the middle of the explanation. I couldn't follow her as trying to help DS not go into meltdown).

Dayshiftdoris · 19/08/2014 23:54

Is it not bad enough that our children' difficulties are not wholly recognised or understood by the rest of society without parents of children with autism judging others on their parenting of their children with autism

I have a child, considered high functioning in mainstream but with an overlying anxiety disorder.

He has meltdowns in supermarkets, on occasion, usually out of the blue despite an overarching aim of supporting his independence long term.

What I do is right for us. Some of the principles might help others and I learnt them from other parents. However, far be it from me to judge another for how they manage their child's needs.

I now have a wide circle of friends who have children across the 'spectrum'...
Every single one of them is unique.
Every single one of them surprises us all the time.
Every single parent wants the very best for their child and loves them unconditionally.

Do you have to play my parenting is better than yours? Empathy costs us nothing but is worth so much

Eliza22 · 21/08/2014 09:35

Beautifully put, Doris. Thank you.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 21/08/2014 10:00

doris true. I despair some days when people go on about how "oh you must teach them this or you must teach them that, as I did..." or better yet "you just need to avoid taking them during busy times or don't take them places they can't cope with..."

Yeah, okay, I'll just become a hermit and not ever go to the supermarket or out of the house. There's no real way of guaranteeing that even if the supermarket is not crowded that something won't set him off. We could be walking through the carpark to go in and a loud motorcycle drives by. That's it. Ds1 is immediately on high alert, anxiety through the roof. And the supermarket is now going to be treated to a meltdown. But I need milk and bread and a few other things. If I try to take him home now, he'll have a meltdown as I'm changing our plans. If I take him into the supermarket, he'll have a meltdown as he's already anxious and won't cope well.

So if he's going to have a meltdown anyway, I might as well get what I need to as quickly as possible and get through it and get home. I just try to ignore the whispers and people shaking their heads and pointing (yes, people actually point! apparently they're not aware that it's rude!) and making nasty comments about badly behaved children. Never mind that he's shaking, and that his eyes are swinging wildly about, and it's patently obvious to anyone with a brain that this child is UPSET. He is instantly labelled as a "naughty child" and tutted at.

saintlyjimjams · 21/08/2014 21:26

I think one of our hardest to deal with sensory issues was light aircraft. Ds1 was fine is a ruddy great jet/concord flew overhead, but a light 2 seater aeroplane would lead to huge meltdowns. They were so quiet and unnoticeable (to me) it actually took me a while to work out what the trigger was. Shortly afterwards we went to the beach and a light aircraft, out on a beautiful sunny day..... circled the beach repeatedly. AAAAGH!

So yes sometimes there's not a lot you can do to avoid trouble (and how the hell do you desensitise your child to light aircraft? )

ouryve · 22/08/2014 00:45

All so true, Doris.

Alice, I prefer to go when it's quiet to avert meltdowns of my own :o Supermarkets make me punchy, at the best of times. Supermarkets plus over stimulated boys, plus said noisy motorbike would probably have me on the floor, sobbing all over my carefully written by aisle shopping list.

ouryve · 22/08/2014 00:47

Bring him here, Saintly. There's an airfield a couple of miles away and we often have light aircraft either taking people for jumps or doing loop the loops, overhead.

adrianna22 · 22/08/2014 04:39

I don't bother with the supermarket anymore. DS has autism, but his only issue when it comes to supermarket, is the constant picking.. i.e. sweets, snacks, mags, toys and throws a right tantrum if I refuse.

It doesn't help that his dad always buys him what he wants.

Though he can wait in a Que for about an hour, though at times will get bored and moan.

Delphiniumsblue · 22/08/2014 07:22

Having read through it all it appears to me that supermarket staff need training and the obvious answer is to quickly open another lane and let the one family through quickly. Thinking back to when my sons worked on the checkouts of major supermarkets as teenagers they wouldn't have had a clue how to help and, as weekend staff, they had no training other than how to operate the till.
If you are in a busy supermarket you have the whole cross section of the public and you are going to get all reactions from the understanding to the 'give them a big smack' brigade- with the vast majority being totally disinterested in the middle.
I would move, but I can see that many wouldn't.
To be totally honest, if I was miles away in a daze doing my shop, it would take me a while to realise that it was out of the normal and I needed to get involved with a helpful response.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 22/08/2014 09:42

Delphinium if it helps, mine would be the one screaming. He's usually easy to spot. Then of course, you get those people that think they know better and step in and actually try to verbally discipline him or shame him into settling. Those are the ones I respond to through gritted teeth telling them to back the fuck off.. please. (See? I say please - I'm polite! )

YouTheCat · 22/08/2014 10:13

I remember waiting in a queue in Superdrug once next to a mum and 2 young lads. One of the lads was clearly on the spectrum and was stimming and making some agitated noises. I didn't try and engage with the lad as I thought it might make him worse but I did have a nice chat with their mum. It cost nothing to be a bit understanding. It was very clear the child has having problems.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8