Not to let Dh have his mates to stay for a lads weekend after I've just had a baby?

[mrsnec]

We live near a lively resort in the med.

DH has 2 friends in the UK who often come over for long weekends and leave their girlfriends behind. So about 4 nights.

I am nearly 34 weeks pg. And Dh has invited them over again in a couple of months time.I'm not going to be naive and say I'm fully prepared for parenthood just that I accept it's going to change our lives. Dh thinks a baby will just 'fit in'

He's comparing having his friends here to me having my parents here when I come out of hospital. I've done that because he can't take paternity leave because he's self employed. And I know I'm going to need my mum when he's at work even though he can cut his hours to abou 7-1 4 days a week I still think I need help.

I didn't enjoy his friends company last time. I get nothing out of it. They are misogynistic, they do nothing around the house, they're ungreatful when I cook for them, they just sit around drinking and have very questionable attitudes towards parenting.

AIBU to just put my foot down and say no?

My other options are to just leave it and hope it doesn't happen. They haven't booked their flights yet. One of them needs to check his ex wife can have his kids for a weekend. The other one has a gf who is cabin crew and he wants to wait until she gets her roster in case she has any good trips that month he can tag along on.so Dh is second choice anyway. I think they should just say no and are actually being quite rude imposing themselves on new parents and given that they're both parents themselves surely they understand?

I could also send him to them for a weekend. I don't know what's harder looking after guests with a newborn or being on my own with a newborn? (I do have a support network locally)

Do the dates make a difference? Likely to have a section too and if I go over we could be talking just a few weeks post cs.he has said if that happens he'll do all the cooking and cleaning.but the baby could be about 6 weeks by the time they come.

My mil suggested just take to my bed when they're here but I did try that last time and they just give me grief for being lazy. Have been very sick this pg though.

Or should I put up and shut up?

I haven't had this out properly yet I don't want a big argument. I get that all the baby stuff might be too much for him at the moment so I am encouraging him to do bloke things at the moment in the hope that helps eg. Take his dad to the football next week.

Sorry this is a long one and thanks for reading. Am I over estimating how much work a baby will be? Any expats out there with newborns how old was your baby when you started entertaining guests again besides your parents?

You poor woman.

You have been hostess with the mostess in the past, but now you need to draw a line in the sand .

A whole new set of proposals, allowing visits, but under a different understanding.

Yanbu at all! He is being completely unreasonable. Tell him you need his support when you've just had a baby and that he should be wanting to spend time with his baby seeing as he's having no paternity leave instead of drinking with his mates. He needs to grow up and take this seriously. You don't live out there for him do you?

I am concerned for you. this man does not sound like a keeper unless he bucks up his ideas a lot. I am concerned that you are going to be a single parent abroad and not able to return to your parents as the child is habitually resident in the country you are now. i really hope I am wrong for your sake and your dh turns out like the good dad not these excuses for parents his so called friends are.

Yes I know I'm stupid letting people keep things here I very much regret that and remind dh about that on a daily basis. That bloke is the one who's gf is crew so he likes the idea of being able to come over here when he's fed up with her being away so much. I'm just hoping thats not going to happen.

The other thing about my parents coming over is that the inlaws live close here and get on with my parents and have offered to put up my parents instead of us if it's too much for me and they're getting in my way.so my parents staying is no problem at all. My mum does have a habit of taking over in the kitchen but that's exactly what I need I think!

I don't want to sound like a doormat but I did move here for dh. But it was because neither of us were happy in the UK, he'd never lived abroad and I had and I didn't want to take that away from him. His parents are here and set us up in business.

Yes my hosting style will change although hopefully I won't have to worry about it for a while!

I am preparing for that elletorrito. I sometimes think dh is on another planet. He's just made a comment that I have had a fairly easy pregnancy and seems to have forgotten I was too sick to work since about May!

Massive no.

And it really fucks me off when some partners do this. Ask for something which is clearly unreasonable, putting you in the nasty position of having to say no. They should fucking think for themselves.

I'm feeling sensitive about this as DH asked the other day if he could bugger off to Scotland (4 hour drive) for a few days when I'm 38/9 weeks pregnant. Where he would spend the entire time pissed. Plus, he fucking asked in front of my dad who of course thought it was a wonderful idea. So once again I was put in the position of being a controlling wife who says no, when I believe he shouldn't have asked to begin with.

Might just add dh is very good in many ways. He doesn't even go out when his friends aren't here and he tells me when they do go out he doesn't even enjoy it they just go because of the resort and because recently divorced one feels he has to prove he's still got it! Tragic isn't it. The other bloke is happy staying in drinking and comes over just to escape his girlfriend nagging and moaning.

When they're not here we socialise as a couple and in the winter he's on a sports team with his dad so it's only this issue that's the problem really so I'm not concerned about him not being a keeper we've been together 10 years, married 6. Yes he has social insecurities and knows nothing about parenting. Only child packed off to boarding school at 6. If that explains anything.

Post freeloaders stuff back to him.

What wankers.

It's only the cost that's stopped me Slithy!

Your partner sounds out of order too.that's incredibly selfish.I think mine is just stupid he can't see why he can't work, entertain his friends and look after me and a baby all at the same time! And whilst he's had a few as well!

We had a disagreement in front of his parents too. He was insisting we keep the double bed in the nursery in case we need to accommodate his friends. His parents think he's being ridiculous putting guests first but then persuaded me because it'll be handy having a bed in there he still had a go at me for showing him up in front of his parents. I just wish they'd stop and think a bit more often.

DH is just a dimwit sometimes.

DD arrived at 39 weeks and DS at 36+4 so I don't know what he was thinking.

He doesn't seem capable of rational thought.

I assume pregnancy hormones are making me extra cross

That's another thing too, this is my first, another friend of mine had all 3 of hers at 36 weeks so told Dh that because I am the same height and build as her I'm likely to have mine at 36 weeks thus will be well recovered and in a good routine by the time they come over. He's so easily influenced.

They both sound incapable of rational thought for sure but I also think some people should keep their opinions to themselves. Your dh has probably decided this one will be late slith.

I think we both have a right to be cross nowt to do with hormones.

He's just made a comment that I have had a fairly easy pregnancy and seems to have forgotten I was too sick to work since about May!

What did he say when you pointed out he was wrong?

Even your friend is conspiring against you! How she had babies and recovered is nothing to do with you and your pregnancy! She isn't being very helpful tbh and comparing you with her isn't very nice of your dh. She is not a yardstick to measure you by, not birth, bf, looking after a baby, etc.

Your doula, if she doesn't want to scare you ( but you must be informed of what's going to happen!) should certainly sit down with your dh and go through it all. He may have to make decisions on your behalf! Does he plan to be there at all?

Are you sure they aren't insistent because they have plans to wet the baby's head? He won't be able to do that. He will be with you- unless he assumes your parents will step up and do his role, cook his dinner etc. hope he doesn't assume you'll all run round after him and his mates.

And get the double bed OUT! Honestly! You're still being expected to put everyone first except you and a newborn. And a cs is major surgery. Its not the same as the lap. I've had both. I nearly spat my coffee out when I read that.

Its all about what's best for everyone else isn't it? I'm exhausted reading it and I'm not even pregnant! Its a special time. Stop letting them muscle in and spoil it.

Sorry, the more you post about your DH the more selfish ( as opposed to thoughtless) he sounds.

Why on earth would you put up his drunken mates in your baby's nursery ?

And he had a go at you for 'showing him up ' - in other words not being the obedient little wifey , how dare you have the temerity to disagree with his plans for Hotel Lad ?

You need to think seriously about how you are going to put your baby and yourself first - are your parents supportive ?

OK, I am an expat and have had a new-born overseas. To answer your question; No Fucking Way would I have had visitors at any point within the near vicinity of my due date. We only had close family after six weeks and less close family two to three months later.

You will be bleeding for six or more weeks, even if you have a CS.

You will be leaking milk.

You will be in pain and exhausted.

If you have a CS, you will be unable to sit up/walk for a while and you are not meant to drive for six weeks after.

Do you really want a pair of idiots like these two invading your personal space?

Your DH needs to grow the fuck up.

My DH is also pushing 40, but he would never in a million years behave like this.

Oh dear mrsnec he sounds like he is rewriting the recent past if he thinks you have had an easy pregnancy. And v controlling about you "showing him up" just because you don't agree with him. Is this recent behaviour or normal?

Yanbu end of they would not be welcome in my house with that attitude and noway would I be cooking for such pigs, and at 8/9 months noway, they can get lost. I would tell dh that, they will not be coming period, they can stay in a hotel.

Suggest that if they do come they should stay with your PIL - because they won't have to watch their behaviour and attitude around your PIL as much as they will around you and the baby... I'm hoping that your PIL are quite strict and no fun, just so that your dh will realise quite how much having the baby around will change things - because when he protests that PIL will stifle the fun from their trip, you'll be able to point out that if you are sleeping on baby time, wandering around with your boobs out trying to feed, dealing with a screaming baby, in pain and sore etc etc then you are not going to be up to looking after guests, they are going to have to fit in with you and the baby and if that means waking them up in the middle of the night or them having to go out of their way to accommodate you or the baby's needs then tough. That's what will happen.

Well with the latest remark I just walked away. Bad I know.

On the sleeping arrangements front, we have a 3 bed bungalow. Our room isn't big enough for a cot so we'd be giving up our room for one of them, have them share the guest room or sleep in either lounge on the sofa. We'd then be in the nursery.

Mil offered. I told Dh but he thinks she's joking. They know one of them. Last time he was here we popped round and he got presented with a list of odd jobs fil wanted doing. They are also tee-total! Would be hilarious if they ended up with the ils.they do live closer to the resort than we do too.

Yes will get doula friend round as soon as. She was trying to talk me into changing clinics though and the doctor she recommended is the one who dealt with my mc who I didn't like so we're not on the same wavelength over everything.

No dh isn't normally like this. Yes he's going to be with me at the time he's going to schedule work around it. I do trust him on this. I have been in hospital with a serious illness over here and he was with me as much as I needed.

My parents are supportive but I'm one of 5 and dm has 11 step grandchildren with 3 born in the past year so they're very busy.

I think your DH needs reminding that he should be putting you and his child's needs first above everything and everyone else otherwise he will eventually end up as a single man like his idiot friends

Keep saying no!

I think your dh is the one to blame here and needs to grow up. ok he may not know what its like to have a baby yet but he can read can't he.
Has he supported you at all through your pregnancy and of course he can take time off if he's self employed, my dh managed it and we are poor.
It really isn't surprising one of his friends has an ex wife and dc, maybe remind your dh of this.

I see trouble ahead...