Not to let Dh have his mates to stay for a lads weekend after I've just had a baby?

[mrsnec]

We live near a lively resort in the med.

DH has 2 friends in the UK who often come over for long weekends and leave their girlfriends behind. So about 4 nights.

I am nearly 34 weeks pg. And Dh has invited them over again in a couple of months time.I'm not going to be naive and say I'm fully prepared for parenthood just that I accept it's going to change our lives. Dh thinks a baby will just 'fit in'

He's comparing having his friends here to me having my parents here when I come out of hospital. I've done that because he can't take paternity leave because he's self employed. And I know I'm going to need my mum when he's at work even though he can cut his hours to abou 7-1 4 days a week I still think I need help.

I didn't enjoy his friends company last time. I get nothing out of it. They are misogynistic, they do nothing around the house, they're ungreatful when I cook for them, they just sit around drinking and have very questionable attitudes towards parenting.

AIBU to just put my foot down and say no?

My other options are to just leave it and hope it doesn't happen. They haven't booked their flights yet. One of them needs to check his ex wife can have his kids for a weekend. The other one has a gf who is cabin crew and he wants to wait until she gets her roster in case she has any good trips that month he can tag along on.so Dh is second choice anyway. I think they should just say no and are actually being quite rude imposing themselves on new parents and given that they're both parents themselves surely they understand?

I could also send him to them for a weekend. I don't know what's harder looking after guests with a newborn or being on my own with a newborn? (I do have a support network locally)

Do the dates make a difference? Likely to have a section too and if I go over we could be talking just a few weeks post cs.he has said if that happens he'll do all the cooking and cleaning.but the baby could be about 6 weeks by the time they come.

My mil suggested just take to my bed when they're here but I did try that last time and they just give me grief for being lazy. Have been very sick this pg though.

Or should I put up and shut up?

I haven't had this out properly yet I don't want a big argument. I get that all the baby stuff might be too much for him at the moment so I am encouraging him to do bloke things at the moment in the hope that helps eg. Take his dad to the football next week.

Sorry this is a long one and thanks for reading. Am I over estimating how much work a baby will be? Any expats out there with newborns how old was your baby when you started entertaining guests again besides your parents?

No and I would be on a plane home to have baby in the UK. No amount of sunshine would keep me with an idiot like that.

So if you are 2 weeks over and have vaginal birth you will literally just be post birth when they arrive in 8weeks time.

Even without a cs I would say no - even if the baby was 2 weeks old with no complications I would say no - I wasn't ready for guests at 6mths (still not sttn) let alone 2 weeks - pre birth I was musing whether I would be able to leave ds at 5 months old to go to Glastonbury - I definitely wouldn't have been and luckily had decided not to risk buying a ticket. So give you Dh this thread to read - if he does this he is a twat.

To be honest one of the blokes I thought was ok. He goes to work with dh during the day so they're not in my way.but the other one I had to entertain while dh was working.

The thing is because we all used to work for the same company and even house shared with one of them for a bit dh sees them as being my friends too but I don't see it like that. He also thinks that because they help themselves to beer and treat me to a lunch out and the odd takeaway that they are no hassle whatsoever.

The reason I question their parenting approach is one of them is getting divorced and blames his wife for everything.yet he's always out drinking and is over here a few times a year but his kids are school age and don't even have passports they've never had a proper holiday. The other one has 3 dc. He does pay maintenance but has nothing to do with them. It came up in conversation last time he was here as to why. He said he walked out on the mother of his autistic twins because she watched too many soaps. I've known him 10 years and he kept that quiet the whole time! He also says he doesn't see a problem with being an absent father because it never did him any harm. I was in that situation too it did harm me and dh knows how I feel about men who abandon their kids. I just worry about this pair being a very negative influence on him. He was gobsmacked at that revelation from his friend but put it down to circumstances.

Dh is a bit gutted they haven't been back yet over the summer but it's been because of the prices of flights over the holidays.so now the rush is that they want to give us a bit of time to settle but they also want to be here again before the clubs and watersports places shut for the season. (incidentally they're all pushing 40) I hope they are just stalling because they don't want to say no. I have also contemplated getting in touch with them myself and tell them not to come.

Did contemplate staying with my parents but they're in the UK too. It's a 5 hour flight ish and they live another 4 hours from the airport so I decided too much travelling for me either pg or with a newborn.

Thanks for all the responses. Yes I was expecting the dh needs to grow up type answers. He's 40 in a few months time and struggling to come to terms with it.

Say they can do it at 38 weeks but you will definitely not entertaining and expect them out of the house as soon as they're up in the morning with you needs being catered for fully and sign of twatishness on their part they are out in a hotel as they would should you go in to labour.

Good grief, of course YANBU.

Lol @ "baby will just fit in", that's on a mn bingo card somewhere I think?

Would a compromise be them coming but staying in a hotel? That could mean no cooking for them, not in your face constantly, no being disturbed by 3 drunk men coming in late etc and some constraints on how much time your husband spends with them?

No no no! Please don't let him do this! Despite having read hundreds of threads like this before having my baby, I still caved in and allowed DH to invite more people than I was comfortable with in the weeks after the birth. All in an attempt to live up to my promise that the baby would fit in with our lives.

Fuck that in the first few months! It's insanity to let someone go through major surgery, instantly become full time carer to a tiny stranger who can't communicate, who drains the life force out of them ( only joking, sort of)...AND expect them to share their home with visitors too. You will want your privacy, and your DH should devote his time to you, not to guests.

Please be stronger than I was.

even a natural delivery can leave you bed ridden op.

your dh is being naive.

No way are you unreasonable. Tell him clearly NO. I wouldn't even want these charmers to visit ever, even with out the new baby factor.

Don't do it OP! God, DS1 was a pretty good sleeper in that noise didn't wake him once he was down, but he still woke every 2 hrs at that stage! Plus he fed about 22 hrs a day.

DS2 has just turned 2, and I would refuse most guests even now as the slightest noise wakes him then he takes an hour to get back down!

This makes me sad. Just tell your husband they should come now, before the baby arrives. Be firm, it will be good practice for being a mother. Hope it is resolved peacefully.

He's 40??

Bloody hell.

I wish you the best of luck. I hope the reality of fatherhood hits him like a brick.
I think that's the only way he might grow up.

They sound like a bunch of childish idiots to me.
Was your dh ok with them calling his pregnant wife "lazy?"
Let's hope he bucks up a bit after the babies born.
BEING a selfish knobhead, getting pissed with your mates all weekend and expecting your wife to wait on them isn't "blokey stuff" it's "wankery stuff"

Your DH sounds very self centred OP. If he doesn't wiseup quick smart then I'd be putting plans in place to have other safety nets tbh. He doesn't sound as though you can rely on him when the chips are down.

OP, obviously YANBU, and obviously your dh needs to grow up. The fact he believes these men are your friends is irrelevant - one of my very best friends came to visit us in the UK 6 weeks after birth, we're very close and she's incredibly supportive, and she STILL didn't stay with us.

That being said, I can offer a slightly more optimistic point of view: my own Dh was somewhat similar in his approach, in terms of "the baby will just fit in", "we'll still go out", etc. At the time it angered and scared me that he refused to accept our lives were about to change.

But - all his pre-birth talk ended up being irrelevant. Before Dd was born he couldn't imagine why he'd want to change his life and deep-down he resented the prospect (although he never would have admitted it). After she was born, he realised he adored her, and his priorities changed. Simple as that.

He's nearly 40!??

Shit the bed!

He's about the have one heck of a wake up call in around 6 weeks.....

OP put that foot down and keep it down. You do NOT need houseguests with a newborn. Unless they are mothers who have the art of knowing what needs to be done, doing it without being asked, and then sodding off leaving you with a cup of tea.
NOT misogynistic 'lads' who want you to cook for them and entertain them (why do you do this EVER!?) and who have conveniently abandoned their own children.

Ewwww. Just no.

Unanimous no YANBU at all.

I have thought about the hotel option. The nearest hotels are 15 minutes from us by car in said big resort there aren't any closer. DH mainly works in the opposite direction so thinks that's too much driving about for him. I have also considered saying yes but with the rules suggested including perhaps insuring them on my car so they're out of the house as much as possible.

DH has another friend in the village who's also an expat and who probably would win father of the year awards but is ashamed to be thought of like that so he plays it down. He's the one who told Dh babies fit in but he works from home during the night so he can help with the kids in the daytime then gives his wife a lie in every morning to do the school run! He's the one dh can get parenting tips from!

I don't think I'd have a problem if it was this time next year I just feel it's too soon. Also everybody is playing the whole thing down because I am very anxious about the birth and its not been an easy pregnancy so I think that's where his relaxed (understatement) is coming from.

Absolutely not! Just no. My husband convinced me that we should go on a weekend away with his fsmily when our baby was 6 weeks (booked before I gave birth) and we both agree it was a stupid idea. Even mil conceded that they hadn't given much thought to how little dd would be and how much stress it put me under. Don't do it. He will soon realise just how much a baby can turn your life upside down!

Yanbu. If they really must come they can put their hands in their pockets and come now but DH does everything for them.

Then it's time for DH to grow up. He can miss a few water slides FFS.

They sound vile. They just want a cheap holiday, as they've proven by waiting for the flights to go down. It's not about visiting your DH.

I don't think having them stay but with "rules" is a good option.

If you're anything like me -

In the morning you will be knackered, dishevelled, struggling to get yourself some breakfast with a crying baby stuck to you, and in absolutely no state to talk to anyone unless they're here to help you.

In the evening your baby will be constantly crying, you will spend hours trying to put them in bed, and when they do fall asleep the slightest noise will wake them up.

Your boobs will be out all the time.

I don't think any rules can make this a suitable context for hosting a bunch of misogynistic guys who are here to party.

God no. Your DH is being ridiculous to compare the visitors - your parents are coming to help with cooking, cleaning and babycare, while his mates want to doss at yours while taking your H out on the piss and doing fun activities.

Anyone who had called me lazy and made misogynistic comments while I was pregnant and hosting their visit would have been told to leave and not bother coming to stay again.

I would be tempted to ring the friends and explain that everyone coming to visit is coming to help clean and cook , so a lads weekend won't be possible.

I can foresee these men being the last of your problems to be honest after the baby is born.