Not to let Dh have his mates to stay for a lads weekend after I've just had a baby?

[mrsnec]

We live near a lively resort in the med.

DH has 2 friends in the UK who often come over for long weekends and leave their girlfriends behind. So about 4 nights.

I am nearly 34 weeks pg. And Dh has invited them over again in a couple of months time.I'm not going to be naive and say I'm fully prepared for parenthood just that I accept it's going to change our lives. Dh thinks a baby will just 'fit in'

He's comparing having his friends here to me having my parents here when I come out of hospital. I've done that because he can't take paternity leave because he's self employed. And I know I'm going to need my mum when he's at work even though he can cut his hours to abou 7-1 4 days a week I still think I need help.

I didn't enjoy his friends company last time. I get nothing out of it. They are misogynistic, they do nothing around the house, they're ungreatful when I cook for them, they just sit around drinking and have very questionable attitudes towards parenting.

AIBU to just put my foot down and say no?

My other options are to just leave it and hope it doesn't happen. They haven't booked their flights yet. One of them needs to check his ex wife can have his kids for a weekend. The other one has a gf who is cabin crew and he wants to wait until she gets her roster in case she has any good trips that month he can tag along on.so Dh is second choice anyway. I think they should just say no and are actually being quite rude imposing themselves on new parents and given that they're both parents themselves surely they understand?

I could also send him to them for a weekend. I don't know what's harder looking after guests with a newborn or being on my own with a newborn? (I do have a support network locally)

Do the dates make a difference? Likely to have a section too and if I go over we could be talking just a few weeks post cs.he has said if that happens he'll do all the cooking and cleaning.but the baby could be about 6 weeks by the time they come.

My mil suggested just take to my bed when they're here but I did try that last time and they just give me grief for being lazy. Have been very sick this pg though.

Or should I put up and shut up?

I haven't had this out properly yet I don't want a big argument. I get that all the baby stuff might be too much for him at the moment so I am encouraging him to do bloke things at the moment in the hope that helps eg. Take his dad to the football next week.

Sorry this is a long one and thanks for reading. Am I over estimating how much work a baby will be? Any expats out there with newborns how old was your baby when you started entertaining guests again besides your parents?

Chach, that's exactly what I'm hoping is going to happen.

Loki, I've already dodged that one. He wanted to book a weekend away the weekend before my due date with both sets of parents, and his dgm in beach huts with no facilities 3 hours from the hospital and in a different very uncivilised country! One of my friends told him he was being ridiculous so he never booked it.

DH is very accommodating. He goes out of his way to make sure guests have a great time so they come back. One of these blokes even has a drawer of clothes here so he doesn't have to pay luggage if he has to fly easyjet. Neither of them have room for us to stay so if dh visits them it's staying in the travelodge and eating in McDonald's or harvester. I can't make him understand that it's hard for me to go all out for people that would never return the favour.

No OP, do not have them with rules. Don't have them at all. Having a newborn is exhausting. You'll be up half the night with feeding and nappy changes and if you're breastfeeding you'll be feeding all the time.

I say this as I am currently feeding my 11 day old. I spend most of my day on the sofa or bed with my boobs out. You won't have time to run around after them and neither should you!

Plus you'll be recovering. Don't underestimate how crap you will feel. How sore it will be to sit down, how much you'll bleed afterwards and how shattered you'll feel.

Don't do it. To be honest they sound like a pair of twats, and if your DH cannot understand then he's not much better.

Op, I don't understand why you are still turning yourself inside put trying to accommodate these men. Just say no, and relax. Insure your car for them! What? Is it Harry and William coming?

I'd forgotten how your boobs are out all the time:) and also how upset I was at mil hovering and having to put my pants in the washing machine for me as I couldn't bend. My giant maternity pants. And how you bleed for ages after and how long everything takes.

I doubt very much you'll want anyone to take your newborn out without you. Especially them. And if you're bf that won't happen anyway.

Babies do fit in, as long as you've changed your entire life to enable them to:)

I think it would be incredibly foolish of him to arrange anything until the baby has been born. The baby might be a crier, keeping him awake all night, or might be one of those miracle babies that sleeps all the time and is no trouble! You don't get to pick, that's the gamble you take.

But if he's not prepared to listen to reason, then could you get nice dad to talk to him 'man to man'? Would he listen to him?

OP Do not say to them/DH that they can come up to 38 weeks. This will turn into oh this weekend isn't good for me, how about this one, blah,blah,blah and before you know it they will be organised to come 2 weeks post partum.

Best scenario is no weekend, least bad scenario is that your DH goes to them - that at least means you are on your own and will have space to crash and feed which is easier than being surrounded by idiots. DH went away when DS was 6 weeks I think for a weekend. To be fair to him we had discussed it before DS was born and he sees his friends very rarely. I had friends to stay for a night whilst he was away and found it exhausting, think it would have been easier on my own.

YANBU

I have had 3 DC. I had an easier time of preg, birth and bf than most of my friends. NO WAY I could have coped with house guests until the DC were a few months old. Even people round for an hour stressed me out.

You've got a bigger problem here. He's being a tool. And you are letting him be a tool.

He also seems assume that baby care is your responsibility, and maybe he "helps" sometimes. Better stamp on that now.

Say no. Clearly and firmly.

No need for long discussions or explanations or criticisms of the friends. Just "No, they can't stay here. It will be too much for us". Note the "us". Repeat like a broken record.

If he is still delusional about life after baby try "Hope for the best and plan for the worst"

If he tries to go off to see them or they plan to stay in a hotel (unlikely, they sound like freeloaders) you could say "It will be a little while before you and I will be out partying again!".

OP, I don't want to be rude or offend you but do you have a track record of being a people pleaser? Because it sounds like it's very easy for your DH to be so hospitable and such a great host when it basically involves dumping all the hard work and compromises onto your shoulders.

I know I have to be firm. So thanks everyone.

Nice dad has been away working all summer (but took the family along) his wife is a good friend of mine and has done doula training but has been careful what to tell me so far so as not to scare me but she didn't bf or have c sections so hasn't been able to advise me on those. But in terms of my recovery and bf I have read a lot and am expecting the worst in terms of bleeding, bf and demanding baby. I've also had abdominal surgery before (laparotomy) and in terms of recovery they are similar procedures so I've reminded dh about that. But yes they also know these blokes so will be able to help me talk sense into dh if thats what it takes. But they've also told us that none of their dc were criers and all 3 slept through from birth!

If he's desperate him going to the uk instead is slightly better as he'd go for a shorter period of time than they would be here ie 2 days instead of 5.

Yes the messing about annoys me too. Especially the one who is relying on cabin crew standby flights who has already booked and cancelled 3 times this year!

Am I over estimating how much work a baby will be? Any expats out there with newborns how old was your baby when you started entertaining guests again besides your parents?

If anything, you are underestimating how much work a baby will be to even consider this as a possibility. And your DH's relaxed attitude isn't because he wants to play down your anxiety, it is because he doesn't have a fucking clue!

If the nearest hotels are 15 minutes drive away (not much really) why does DH have to drive them? Why can't they either hire a car or use buses or taxis? These people aren't your friends, they don't even seem like your DH's friends, they seem like a bunch of freeloaders who want a cheap holiday at your expense.

I could also send him to them for a weekend. I don't know what's harder looking after guests with a newborn or being on my own with a newborn? (I do have a support network locally)

It would definitely be way easier to be on your own with a newborn. Aren't your parents coming to stay? How would you accommodate both your parents and these men at the same time anyway?

My DH was a bit panicked about life after baby towards the end of our first pregnancy. He also had a mixture of good and bad roles models around.

It all changed when one of his "good dad" friends (an older respected colleague) asked him with excitement and genuine interest what kind of father he was planning on being and revealed that he himself took great pride in being reliable, available and king of tickles amongst other things. It made my DH think a lot. He started looking at his friends with critical eyes and thinking about his own behaviour.

Maybe if you get your DH thinking about the kind of father he wants to be, he'll pull his head out of his arse.

YANBU

Stop looking about for compromises.

Just Say No and keep repeating it.

I've just read the 'drawer of clothes' bit!
I'd be having a bloody big argument about this, DP needs to put you and the baby first. He sounds very immature for a 40 year-old, not to mention a selfish git.
We lived abroad when DC1 arrived and had both sets of parents over in the first month for a fortnight each. It was exhausting and I ended up in floods of years because I just wanted to be left alone and get settled. There's no way I could've coped with 'friends'.

Yes I do have a track record for that. Or at least I did. I used to be good friends with one of the bloke's partners. I actually introduced them. But she was unsupportive when I had an mc and a serious illness and took the mickey last time she was here so I banned her from coming again and made him take all her things back last time. Dh agreed with me but his compromise was that we should only ban her not him but I think he's just as bad and dh can't see it.

No, no, no. Don't have them in a nearby hotel. That will give DH an excuse to go off drinking and vanish for hours. Just keep saying to him 'which part of no do you not understand?'
Absolutely out of the question. His focus needs to be on you and the baby. Your focus needs to be on survival getting into a routine and being cossetted. When the baby is 10 sleeping through they can come.

HIS mates and YOU look after them? And if not they call you LAZY? Never in a million years would this be acceptable and that's before the baby comes into it. Remember your baby has two parents who should be sharing responsibility equally. What will he be doing while his friends are here? Leaving you to skivvy for them all AND to take sole care of the baby? He's got a choice, either grow up or fuck off.

In answer to your question yes my parents are staying. They're staying 3 weeks. They have flexible tickets so they can change their flights though. They booked their flights so they're here a week before my due date.

They were here earlier in the year and had to book certain dates to fit in with these blokes.

At the moment dh thinks if they want to come at the same time my folks are here we can accommodate all of them! Otherwise there would be a gap between them going and blokes arriving so dh and I may have a couple of weeks together then.but it could be less so turning the rooms around quickly is also a possibility I'm not looking forward to either.

There's very little public transport from here to the resort. Dh likes both blokes to go to work with him but doesn't want to have to pick them up and drop them off that's why he's saying no to a hotel and I'm offering my car. Still think no is the best option. Not tieing myself in knots just answering questions. Thanks again.

Just say no, firmly. And then keep saying no.

DD is four months old, FF, sleeps through the night, and there is still absolutely no way I'd have house guests now, especially unhelpful ones.

Erm no is a full sentence. Having parents to help out is a huge difference to having pissed up mates hanging about, he is being delibrately obtuse by pretending this is even the same op. Also, c section or not, vaginal births can leave you just as much in a state. I went five days over, had a massive pph was cut and had stitches and was aneamic for weeks so my recovery ended up longer than that of a c section patient! Tell him to piss off. He is being a selfish twat.

No no no no no. My husband was planning on going on a stag do (and leaving me alone),about a month after my due date and I persuaded him not to committ until baby was here. A week after his arrival he realised it was a daft idea and confirmed he wouldn't be going without any further pestering from me. I hope you dh grows up when your DC arrives! Good that you have your parents around too.

Stop looking for compromises and rules and halfway houses. JUST SAY NO TO THE WHOLE STUPID IDEA. Full stop.

OP you shouldn't even be thinking about how easy it is to entertain guests with a newborn. The answer is, you shouldn't even be doing it.

There have been countless threads on here by new parents ranting about visitors coming and expecting to be waited on hand and foot, it's utterly selfish! The only thing you should be doing with a newborn is sitting on the sofa feeding with the TV on whilst your DH brings you food and tea. The most important thing here is your baby and establishing feeding (which is bloody hard work), not your DH's mates.

Don't forget also, you have no idea how the birth will go (I know you said you're probably having a c section), and how you will feel afterwards. Some people bounce back. I bled afterwards and am very anaemic and can't walk far without being sore and exhausted. Going round the supermarket yesterday nearly wiped me out. Don't underestimate how you will feel. I'm not trying to scare you, but I think your DH is being incredibly naive. You and baby should be his priority here. I worry about how much he's going to be doing after you give birth. Having a baby can be a shock and he needs to be there for you.

Oh, and I've had breakfast and I'm sitting here feeding again. Seriously, this feeding thing doesn't stop! I think DS would be happy if he was attached 24/7!

Keep saying no.

Your DH seems more concerned about his and his friends comfort and convenience than yours and his child, s....

I live in a top tourist destination Euro capital city. Friends come over but it, s been a long time since anyone stayed over (I, m a single mum). They get a lovely cheap hotel nearby. It, s perfect for meeting up at everyone, s convenience.

As for leaving clothes at mine, I, d be charging for storage - and rent if they consider my house part theirs!
Cheapskate!

Oh my love, you can't possibly have these freeloaders anywhere near you or your home now or any time soon. Agree a nearby hotel is not a good idea either.

Just keep repeating that it's not going to happen. Your DH's priorities have to change. You and your baby must come first.

You will be sore, tired and emotional. And from the sound of them these men won't be sympathetic - they sound like a bunch of knobs.

You need to be able to sit in your home, with your boobs out, and learn to care for and feed your baby in a relaxed manner. You need to focus just on you and your beautiful new baby, not be worrying about these horrible men's opinion of you.

My daughter had her first, gorgeous, baby 3 weeks ago and she - the baby - is the easiest baby imaginable, but apart from her sister and me they only have visitors when her partner is there so he can keep them entertained as her priority is the baby.

Her partner took 2 weeks paternity leave and did most of the housework during that time. And he is still doing most of the cooking of their main meals; she isn't spoilt, honestly. They're working as a partnership and as a result my daughter is a relaxed happy mother - apart from an attack of mastitis - her partner is relaxed and happy and the baby is relaxed and happy too.

Stop trying to please everyone and take care of yourself.

It sounds like your dh is desperate to impress these guys and doesn't have a very balanced friendship with them. Does he have a tendency to be a bit socially insecure?
I don't think he'll get it if you tell him how ridiculous he is being about the baby not changing your lives - he'll have to experience it himself. So just try to delay this visit.

A word of advice though OP, make sure he gets a lot of hands-on experience looking after the baby. Don't default to doing all nappies/baths/washing etc. make sure you get him involved from the start as an equal parent,not just "helping you out".

Hi mrsnec. I had hg for my last preg and I think it left me much less physically fit and mentally resilient to cope with the post partum stage. I was shell shocked, boobs out, bleeding and constipated. No time to have misogynists calling you "lazy" in the house. Parents who will fetch, carry, cook and clean are not comparable.