Honest opinions wanted please - another MiL one though :)

[HicDraconis]

Not sure if IABU or not, and also I change my mind from one day to the next on what to do about it! Yes there's a fairly long backstory which I won't go into (otherwise this will be too long) but MiL and I have a strained relationship. Which is better than the one she has with her son (DH) however.

We live in NZ and will be flying back to the UK for Christmas with the boys (8 and 7). We emailed everyone to say we'd be coming back and would be renting a holiday house for Christmas week so family could come and stay with us - saves us the hassle of spending more time travelling once in the UK and maximises time we can spend with friends and family.

However MiL says it's too far for her to travel (she doesn't have a car and thinks it's too far with public transport) and it will be too much work and too difficult. That said she still wants to see us so can we travel all the way down to her instead for a few days.

I can't decide if IABU in not wanting to spend a whole day travelling down (it'll be public transport for us too, unless we hire a car) and another one travelling back. I also can't decide if IABU in thinking that we've spent thousands of dollars coming back to the UK and 2 days flying to get there travelling thousands of miles, the least someone could do is spend some time travelling a few hundred miles to see us. We would pay for her ticket, her accommodation, her food etc - it's just the time it would take for her to travel up she'd need to find.

She's just got back from spending a weekend in Finland so it seems there is some travelling she's happy to do.

So. Do we go to her or insist she comes to us and risk not seeing her at all?

[ZenNudist]

YA both BU

She's definitely a cow bag for being so difficult. Taking everything else out of the equation it's easier for 1 person to travel to the many than the many to travel to the one. Seems like a power game.

But all the reasons you give sound like its no real skin off your nose to travel to her. If that's the only journey you do when you're in the uk then it's still easier than travelling here there and everywhere.

Plus if you've come all the wAy from NZ you may as well go the extra few miles to see mil.

Make it the start of your holiday and a short stay then push off. She will soon realise how silly she's being and might want to travel to you after all to see all of you more!!

[KnittedJimmyChoos]

hello I am an avid Mil thread watcher, and am the first to jump to a poor Dils side!

However on this occasion I think you do need to compromise, its not just the journey but her entertaining in her home and as writing this just saw your page 2 post saying she wants you to see her flat.

I do think if you could spare two days or three it would mean the world!

[maddening]

Yanbu as it is easier for one person to travel over Christmas than a whole family - offer to get her a first class seat on the train and a taxi at either end - when your time is finite 2 days travelling is a waste unless there were people you could drop in and visit en route.

[maddening]

And if you travel down I would take the 2 days to of the time planned with mil rather than the rest of the schedule

[KnittedJimmyChoos]

Just skimming you seem to have made decision to go, I think you have done right thing, and I totally understand the deceased mother angle too!
you do usually have the distance on NZ between you, i hope you can all enjoy it

[Pugaboo]

You do sound like you resent her a lot, probably for good reason.

I think you're making the right decision putting in the effort for her.

[EmberElftree]

You say she doesn't have a car but does that mean she can't drive?

Could you hire a car for her if she can drive - might be an option to come spend Christmas with her GC?

I'm an expat and understand your pain! My DH has an ok relationship with his parents, it is a bit strained and as he is an only child from a tiny family the focus on him makes him antsy and he can only put up with his DPs for a short length of time. It is never a fun time with them but they are his DPs and we do have to make the effort to see them.

We both have a great time with my family my dad and DH get on very well so when I'm with his cold and difficult mum I wish I was with my own mum instead and feel like I'm wasting time I could be spending with my own family by being at their house.

Which is totally BU as I don't want to deprive my DH of time with his family. We have decided this time (we only have a week at home) to spend 2 nights with my brother, 3 nights with my parents and 3 nights with DH parents.

I get that it galls you to have to make the effort to go to her I feel the same as my family will all congregate together and make the effort to see us while we're back but my ILs refused to travel to see us so we have to go see them instead.

My mum wanted to meet in Europe somewhere so we could all have a holiday so ILs come for a few days then my family comes for a few days but the ILs didn't want to travel. Grrrr it is difficult I know.

Just go see her, if only for a couple of days it's not that much time out of the 5 weeks you'll be home. Good luck will be thinking of you while I'm at MIL's

[drudgetrudy]

When I first read this I thought that she was being completely unreasonable.
Most granparents would crawl over burning coals to see their GC who normally live in New Zealand.
However when I realised that her ex and a lot of your family would be there at the same time I completely changed my mind.
In those circumstances you are doing the right thing going to visit her and letting her spend some individual time with the children

[lljkk]

Sorry if this has been said by everyone else:

it seems really obvious to me that she wants a kind of "normal" grandma experience, where the boys stay over at her house and she gets to fuss over them. She can potter around in her own way and have her own time with them. On her own ground, in her environment. She wants that level of control over the interaction (control not in a bad way). A certain kind of atmosphere that she rarely gets a chance for. Going to visit your holiday house just wouldn't be the same. So I totally get why you'd want her to travel, but it's not really about travel, it's about creating a certain kind of experience to share with her DGSs.

[DaisyFlowerChain]

What does your husband think of you booking somewhere very close to your parents but miles from his? Surely you should have booked half way between the two so travelling was fair and easier.

I doubt it's the travelling that your MIL is really objecting too but the favouritism and the fact that she likely feels second best.

[BravePotato]

Just go to her

[wafflyversatile]

I think if you are coming for 5 weeks, staying near closer to people in your family, travelling north to see DH's dad then you should probably be willing to also travel to see DH's mum, especially as she has a new home.

[HicDraconis]

Chewbacca I'm not paying for my flights (we're paying for DH & boys though, that's enough!) - I could never afford business if I were! The holiday lodge was going to cost more than we can really afford but I was prepared to pay for a large enough one for everyone to stay given that it was our choice to emigrate.

Daisy DH was the one who suggested I "ask MN" whether we were BU with all this. He wants to go less than I do but feels he should. Like I have said before - had she wanted to come we'd have booked closer to her, so equidistant between families. She didn't, so we booked near mine meaning most people could stay in their own homes and just FiL and my Dad staying with us, because they wanted to. Which made it far more affordable. As it is I have to take an extra week of leave to do agency work to pay for it all, DH doesn't work.

Potato we've decided to do that.

[Stripyhoglets]

yes you WBU but you seem to have realised that now and will go visit. to limit the children's grandmother to a visit with everyone else there when you are spending 5 weeks in the UK and she really wants you to see where she lives wasn't fair.

[AlexVause82]

You could have just rented somewhere closer to her home?

[wafflyversatile]

Which would have been further away from her father's home.

She rented somewhere that was best-placed for the largest number of people IIRC.

[Lymmmummy]

Not sure - renting your own place is great idea - but if you know she has no car and can't reach it does come across as a bit mean tbh - could you hire a car and pick her up? That said she sounds difficult sort who would find fault no matter what you did.
Best option just offer that you will hire a car and pick her up if she wants but sorry no we can't travel down to your house - and make DH do driving so you and children not inconvenienced.
I used to pander to my MIL but she was very bloody awkward and ungrateful so I just moved on to offering her what I thought were fair options and doing it in a take it or leave it way and I think perhaps you should do the same?

[bunnysmummy]

You are being V U. It's August, I can't think about Christmas

[sashh]

YANBU

How log will it take you to get here? At least 24 hours, possibly 2 days. That is enough traveling for anyone to do.

If she doesn't want to spend Xmas with you then she could come to London for a couple of days. Most places in the south had transport links to London even if it's a few hours drive.

[BarbarianMum]

If one of my sons moved to the other side of the world I'd trot across hot lava for the chance of seeing him/my grandchildren at Christmas.

OP YANBU - she really can't be arsed, can she.