Honest opinions wanted please - another MiL one though :)

[HicDraconis]

Not sure if IABU or not, and also I change my mind from one day to the next on what to do about it! Yes there's a fairly long backstory which I won't go into (otherwise this will be too long) but MiL and I have a strained relationship. Which is better than the one she has with her son (DH) however.

We live in NZ and will be flying back to the UK for Christmas with the boys (8 and 7). We emailed everyone to say we'd be coming back and would be renting a holiday house for Christmas week so family could come and stay with us - saves us the hassle of spending more time travelling once in the UK and maximises time we can spend with friends and family.

However MiL says it's too far for her to travel (she doesn't have a car and thinks it's too far with public transport) and it will be too much work and too difficult. That said she still wants to see us so can we travel all the way down to her instead for a few days.

I can't decide if IABU in not wanting to spend a whole day travelling down (it'll be public transport for us too, unless we hire a car) and another one travelling back. I also can't decide if IABU in thinking that we've spent thousands of dollars coming back to the UK and 2 days flying to get there travelling thousands of miles, the least someone could do is spend some time travelling a few hundred miles to see us. We would pay for her ticket, her accommodation, her food etc - it's just the time it would take for her to travel up she'd need to find.

She's just got back from spending a weekend in Finland so it seems there is some travelling she's happy to do.

So. Do we go to her or insist she comes to us and risk not seeing her at all?

[Dressingdown1]

You sound like a lovely, generous person. Fwiw I think you have made a good decision, just hope mil appreciates how kind you are. Especailly in the light of her prevoius behaviour.

[paxtecum]

So imagine if she had a five week holiday in NZ and booked a holiday cottage 100s of miles from where you live, invited you to stay for a particular week saying that would be the only opportunity for you all to see her.

It really is odd to visit the UK for five weeks and not actually go to see your MIL even though your DH and DCs want to.

Why not let them visit her on their own?

[paxtecum]

Sorry, cross post.

I'm glad you will visit here - good decision.

[doziedoozie]

Plan your trip - don't do any long distance driving at the beginning or end of holiday weekends or you will spend much time sitting on motorway.

It will be dark til mid morning, perhaps get up at 4 am and drive there, DCs will sleep in car, then doesn't waste a day sitting in the car, ditto on the return, maybe leave at 7pm and arrive home midnight and miss the traffic.

[Thenapoleonofcrime]

I think you are doing the right thing. You are here for five weeks, that's an awful long time. It does seem like she is being allocated a very small part of it if she comes in Christmas week, along with an ex husband and all your family.

I think paxtecum's example is something to think through- it actually sounds quite unreasonable when put like that.

If one week is all about you and your family, then surely a few days with her is reasonable?

[wheresthelight]

You have my sympathy op as I have similar issues with my Dm and only live 8 miles from her but she refuses to get off her butt and drive here to see dd but whinges that she hasnt seen her when I don't have the money for fuel.

I think it is very mean spirited of her not to join you all for Xmas, could dh hire a car and go and fetch her then you all take her back for 2-3 days before carrying on with your holiday as a compromise or get her to travel by train down to you (amd yes for most journeys south to south west she will have to go into London) and then do the car hire to take her back, stay a fee days and then move on?

[BreakOutTheKaraoke]

Hmmm, I think I would be tempted to tell her that if she doesn't want to visit you, thats absolutely fine, but it means she won't be able to see you near Christmas week. I would be arranging a visit nearer the beginning or end of your journey, and look at staying nearby to her when it's not peak travelling times for a few days.

[Chewbecca]

I don't think you should visit her during the time you have the rental house in the SW but I do think you should schedule maybe 5 days or so to rent a cottage/apartment close to her place at some point during the remainder of your 5 weeks.

[HicDraconis]

paxtecum I was being generous in saying DH wanted to visit. He feels he should. The boys would love to.

She lives really too far away from where we have now booked the lodge for us to drive down and get her and she would probably be highly uncomfortable being surrounded by my family and her ex-H. I feel somewhat irritated with myself for having suggested it now, awkward for her.

For various reasons I need to be where the lodge is at the end of the second week, but I don't need to be there during the second week, so we'll probably go down then if she is free. She did say she didn't know what she was doing for Christmas yet so we may find she has other plans!

If she had a 5 week holiday in NZ to see lots of other close friends and family I'd take the boys up to wherever she was based for a week :) but then most places in NZ are worth visiting so wherever she was it would be fun to go. I don't think she has any close family aside from us though, while we (well, me and my children and DH by marriage) do. And as I said, she lives in a place I've never visited in the UK before which is a holiday hotspot and she'd love us to see it. I feel very mean now.

Which is good! means IWBU, you've helped me (&DH) with an objective look at things and now I can go and enjoy myself without resenting it :)

[PasswordProtected]

Assuming you are flying into a London airport & your MIL is in the south, can you not make a visit to her first, before you continue onwards to the south west?

[ikeaismylocal]

Where do you fly from? Could you tag a stay at mil's onto the end or beginning of your holiday?

I personally wouldn't stay for a week with someone who seemingly actively disliked me, I'd possibly agree to 2 days. Even the loveliest UK holiday location is likely to be pretty miserable in December/January, you could end up stuck in with mil and bored kids.

I live abroad ( although only another European county) and when I visit with my dc I stay in one place and people who want to see us come and see us, pre dc I used to spend my holidays traveling up and down the country visiting family but now I don't think it's fair on dc to drag them around visiting. Consequently my father and his side of my family has never met ds whichis unfortunate but I don't think ds needs people in his life who can't be bothered to make a train journey to see him. It's like a selection process!

[Trickydecision]

If she is in her 60s, in good health and can travel to Finland, of course YANBU (speaking as a 70 year old off to Mexico tomorrow) . She is being ridiculous.

[WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes]

I don't think it's about the travel though, it's more likely to be about wanting to spend time with her family without being in a house with her DIL's entire extended family and her exH.

[MarthasVineyard]

I'd have given anything for her to be the sort of grandmother my mother would have been... but then I guess she's her own sort of GM. And my mother was, and would have been, Perfect. Hard to live up to a spectre

I can empathise with that, OP and

How about ... DH and the boys visit MIL whilst you're on your course and then (i) bring her back to London for a few days so she gets the pleasure of your company or (ii) you join them later at her house?

[Scotinoz]

You're being perfectly reasonable! DH and I haul ass back to the UK from Australia each year and spend the whole time dashing between different family. It's exhausting, and by the time we get home we could do with a holiday!

Yes, you made the decision to move but have given family plenty of notice. Travelling a couple of hours isn't a big deal.

In similar situations, I've taken to saying "What a pity we won't see you, perhaps we'll all manage next time." Nine of ten times they change their minds.

Yes, it sounds a bit entitled to expect people to travel to you but you've come over so they could give a little too. Living overseas isn't the clear cut choice people thing it is.

In the event of ill health, near death etc this attitude is waived without question!

[HicDraconis]

Martha's DH and the boys already have plans for while I'm at the conference, involving the Natural History and Science museums. They're really looking forward to being able to play there all day for 3 days!

We arrive too close to Christmas to spend time with her beforehand and as I said I need to be with my family for the weekend after. There's a gap in the middle where we could go down for a few days though. After that we're a week in the north and then a week in London and then we seem to be flying back here. Not sure where my holiday went in all of that! I'll see if she wants to visit London for a day or 2 as well though, that's a good idea. We were hoping to take the boys to see Matilda, she'd probably like to come along :) my sister and her partner will want to come as well though!

[WorkingBling]

I haven't read the whole thread. But why are you staying so far a way from family in the first place? You go all that way to come back and see people then find a place to stay that's awkward for everyone else? I think yab a bit u tbh.

[HicDraconis]

I'd suggest you do read the thread, Working - the holiday lodge location wasn't decided when MiL declined the invitation. It would have been closer to her (and further from my own family) had she wanted to be with us for the week as well - we were planning on it being easy for everyone to get to. When she declined, we booked closer to my family because they all live within 5 mins drive and it meant a smaller lodge and therefore less money.

Martha's - will email and ask if she would like to join us in London for a couple of days prior to my course, staying in our hotel with us. Sadly for the course itself we wouldn't be able to afford a room for her (neither would she) but we'll see if she'd like to visit us in London by ourselves.

[JoandMax]

I think you've come to a really good compromise Hic, well done

And you will be ready for a holiday by the time you come back, I was shattered but the DCs have so many good memories. And I've booked a mini break this weekend with nothing planned but sitting by a pool relaxing!

[doziedoozie]

I don't know your MIL's age but driving at that time of year can be dire, and although I would go to stay with my DIL whilst she has all her family there, or around, I wouldn't particularly look forward to it. Obviously the DCs will have things to do with cousins rather than DGM which would spoil it a bit for her.

Make sure you are a bit nearer her next time (which you can point out) so she has no excuse!! Or be on a direct trainline away.

[HicDraconis]

I'm hoping the London week will be a bit of a break but I'm expecting to be exhausted when we get back :) on the plus side, we'll fly back into the best bits of the NZ summer with beaches waiting for us.

DH did suggest that as I was flying straight back to work the next day I should go business class and he and the boys would go economy. My colleagues were open mouthed, apparently such a thing would not be countenanced in their households. I thanked him for being sweet and said we'd all go in economy together. I may live to regret that.

[Chewbecca]

You can consider affording a business class flight and a massive house rental etc but you can't afford to put your MiL up in a room in London for a few days?

[SlowRedCar]

have only read first page.

expat life can be made so hard with things like this.

can you not say to her "look MIL, right now you can still travel easily enough, so if you can make the effort now while you still can, in 10 yrs time when you can't, we'll make the effort to come to you"

just make it sound prettier that that^. Flower it up a bit.

and maybe also explain in detail how complicated the logistics are for you guys. The amount of people in your family who would be inconvenienced. How you can' travel with just an overnight bag to her with no base to leave your cases.

and no, you are not being unreasonable at all

[MarthasVineyard]

Matilda is fab, OP - enjoy the musical and hope you have a lovely English Christmas

[NacMacFeeglie]

The only bit that i would focus on is that your dc would love to see her. So it's important they do. December is a god awful time to have to be travelling in the uk and I can see why she would feel reluctant. If she won't come to you be the bigger person and go to her for your dc sake.