Honest opinions wanted please - another MiL one though :)

[HicDraconis]

Not sure if IABU or not, and also I change my mind from one day to the next on what to do about it! Yes there's a fairly long backstory which I won't go into (otherwise this will be too long) but MiL and I have a strained relationship. Which is better than the one she has with her son (DH) however.

We live in NZ and will be flying back to the UK for Christmas with the boys (8 and 7). We emailed everyone to say we'd be coming back and would be renting a holiday house for Christmas week so family could come and stay with us - saves us the hassle of spending more time travelling once in the UK and maximises time we can spend with friends and family.

However MiL says it's too far for her to travel (she doesn't have a car and thinks it's too far with public transport) and it will be too much work and too difficult. That said she still wants to see us so can we travel all the way down to her instead for a few days.

I can't decide if IABU in not wanting to spend a whole day travelling down (it'll be public transport for us too, unless we hire a car) and another one travelling back. I also can't decide if IABU in thinking that we've spent thousands of dollars coming back to the UK and 2 days flying to get there travelling thousands of miles, the least someone could do is spend some time travelling a few hundred miles to see us. We would pay for her ticket, her accommodation, her food etc - it's just the time it would take for her to travel up she'd need to find.

She's just got back from spending a weekend in Finland so it seems there is some travelling she's happy to do.

So. Do we go to her or insist she comes to us and risk not seeing her at all?

We're staying in a central location for Christmas week as it's the one that everyone wanted us to spend with them so we thought we'd have somewhere that everyone could come to. The idea being that we would have an ENORMOUS everyone welcome family Christmas (including my siblings and their extended families). We're spending a week in London for fun and because I have to be there for 3 days on a course. The remainder of the time we hadn't really decided what to do with yet, but will include some travelling and probably another large-ish rental somewhere northern to see DH's dad and our friends near there (although DH's dad has jumped at the chance to drive down and see us Christmas week and he lives further away).

They separated when DH was 1.

Not familiar with the weather in the UK really, in December, can you count on the weather for traveling? Could you hire a driver for her instead? I am close to 60, and have arthritis, but would probably try and get there, getting on buses and trains would be a pain with my knees, so I would probably see if I could hire a driver if there were a lot of transfers. One bus or train, or one transfer would be ok. (for me)

So she had chance to say something when you emailed prior to booking, don't pander to her.

Perhaps mil doesn't fancy spending Christmas with her ex???

I think she's probably feels upset that you've booked the house very near your parents.

So I think you should go all out to get her to you.

Could your DH do a bit of research and plan her journey for her? Then he can tell her it's all planned, that you'll pay for a taxi to get her to the stations etc so she doesn't have to worry etc. just go the whole hog to show how much you want her there so you don't have to go to her and she stops behaving like a spoilt child

The reduced timetables will affect you just as much as her.

You have travelled halfway across the world and stayed somewhere equidistant from everyone, I think that is pretty fair enough. I suppose it depends on whether if you say 'nope, we are staying here' she will relent or whether you will crack first...if that's how your relationship is.

Just to warn, last winter there were awful storms that actually washed away train tracks... You could try ringing airport-taxi-door type business and then they can drive her over. Make it a treat with chocs etc. or as you say, visit MIL in her holiday spot. But remember, Christmas traffic can be worse than summer traffic as you can have awful conditions to deal with.

Oh gosh, just read a bout her ex being there.

Do they get on?

Reading your update, I still don't think yabu but you should probably go.

Do it for the greater good

Perhaps if your relationship is already strained she doesn't want to be part of a large, mainly your, family gathering and would rather have some time alone with your DCs, especially if her exH is going to be around. Would a good compromise be that you spend a few days with her outside the immediate Christmas period but don't disrupt your Christmas week? Have you got somewhere else in mind which would be accessible for her to visit you?

I can see both sides of this, she's been invited to a gathering and doesn't want to come, but she does want to see her DGCs and maybe that should take priority over some of your other plans? Maybe she loves the idea of them visiting her in her home, as a child visiting your grandparents is different from them visiting your house, more special somehow.

Yes, she's spent a day or so with her ex before (DS1's first Christmas we had at home and said anyone was welcome to come and see us but we weren't going anywhere with an 8 month old) ... but not a week. And aside from her ex, everyone else will be my family and extended family.

Plus she lives in a UK holiday destination. DH wants to see her. Argh, I am incapable of looking at this objectively :) (could be something to do with the email she sent me - only to DH's email address - telling me how much she disliked me and listing all my faults) (sorry - major drip feed - I did say strained!)

Is one of your faults not visiting her?

She doesn't sound very nice! However if you can see it from her pov, you are making an effort to stay near your family and near fil, but not planning on going anywhere near her. You are suggesting that she should make a potentially difficult journey at Christmas to spend her time with your family and her ex. Obviously she couldn't hope that her ds and dgc will realistically be able to spare much time to talk to her alone. Everyone is going to be very busy with so many other people around.

In her position, I would travel anywhere in the country to see my ds and dgc, but I can also see why she isn't keen.

I feel your pain, we moved to NZ and are planning a trip back next year. I get stressed just thinking about it. We lived in one city, dh parents live in a tricky to get to place 4 hrs away and they can't make that journey. Sil and family live somewhere near ish but (1hr 30 away) from pil. My sister lives somewhere else with her dh but are happy to travel. dm lives in the middle of nowhere and is a drama queen. My dad and aunt lives near the city where we lived. We will only be in the uk for about 3 weeks and really need to show the kids some stuff to.

Oh, I misunderstood your original post, I thought you were only here for a week.

You are here for 5 weeks?! Then you have plenty of time to go and see her, you just need to decide if you want to or not.

I don't understand you though - on one hand you say you will enjoy going to visit her on the other hand you don't like her due to her sending an email listing your faults? Very confusing, too much dripping & only you can decided. Not really an AIBU for the masses.

I think Yabu, you've booked a place close to your parents, but don't want to travel to see you mil, even though your dh and dc's would like to see her. Imagine it was your mum sure you would want dh to make the effort.

She would like to show you her new flat and spend some time with you all.

Maybe she feels awrkard spending Christmas with all your family.

It would wind me up that she's been able to travel to Finland so obviously that's not the reason she doesn't want to travel, maybe it's something else

OK, I can see both sides but just to state hers (as you know yours), you have:

• Travel a long distance in Christmas week for a whole week (so not able to see friends at that time.

• Stay for a week in a house where she knows nobody particularly well other than her ex husband.

• The location has been chosen more for your family than hers.

• You have three other weeks that you haven't yet planned, but you know you don't want to give her quality alone time with her son/grandchildren.

It's not that you're being unreasonable -it's more that it probably looks that way to her. You already know she's not going to try to see it from her point of view.

The email with the listed faults is a whole different thread I feel - yes, she should never have done that (dictate to her precious darling who he should love?!)

I can completely see why you don't want to give her any time/attention!

She's not going to see it from YOUR point of view!

I think you've got to make your DCs relationship with their DGM higher priority than your own convenience. I think if you make the effort you will be glad, looking back, that you did. Gives you the moral high ground in future too. All this is assuming the relationship is not so strained that a few days spent with her will be a bed of hostility and resentment.

90% of my family have emigrated. I would get DH to email her saying it won't be possible to travel on public transport to pick her up and drop her off but she is still more than welcome to come for a few days. I would go see her for a few days for your DH and DC who by the sounds of it would love it.

We are NC with DH's family after years of abuse aimed at me (100% IWNBU from MN). How does she treat you when you are together? Has she apologized for all your "faults" yet?

So you are in uk for five weeks, are you arriving at Heathrow? Good chance I think if you are coming from NZ, and she lives in the south it won't take alot of travel to see her. What about inviting her to stay when you are in London?

If it didn't seem fair to stay closer to her as other people would have to drive hundreds of miles why would it seem fair to her that you stay near them and she travels hundreds of miles to see you? Does she drive and have access to a car?

A bit of a clue about her location and where you are staying might give us more of a clue about how hard the journey is e.g. I live in the South West and last winter we were cut off from rail travel for weeks due to train lines being washed away in storms, maybe she is worrying that will happen and she will be unable to get to you.

You do sound a bit unreasonable to me. Sounds like she is on her own as well which will make her feel worse.

Do the generous thing, you might be a MIL one day.

As someone who has to do the same but in reverse I really understand where you are coming from. It is a huge distance to travel and exceptionally expensive. You end up spending all your time visiting which is fabulous but that isn't a holiday. The last thing you want to do is have to spend time with people who are obnoxious and rude to you.

If it was any other family member I would say tell them to take a running jump. But you know in your heart you are going to go see her. And you are going to hate and resent every second of time you have to spend out of your holiday with this horrible person. But you will do it because she's his mother. And on the plus side, there is 12,000 miles between you and this woman most of the time!

I would plan the trip to her on the default setting that she's going to be obnoxious about it. Therefore I would plan to go there and work out all the things you want to see/do that are fun. So if you get there and find that she expects to spend one hour with her grandchildren then buggers off to some prior engagement your children aren't left disappointed but actually don't notice at all because it is just wine more person they are seeing in and amongst the fun stuff.

Just to add I do understand why you have issues if she doesn't like you and makes lists of your faults, my MIL was horrible to me for years and I found her very difficult (she would say it was all my fault but I think it was hers) but I did visit her and travelled hours to do it as it was important to DH and DC and I felt it was the right thing to do. I'm a MIL now and I do truly try to be a nice one and so far it seems to work but the wife's mother always seems to get a better deal, well often anyway.

I can see it from her POV too. The backstory behind the email (which indeed is a whole 'nother thread in itself) stems from a lot of misunderstanding - most of which was between DH and her but I was a handy scapegoat.

She does adore the boys and they adore her - which I think is great, and tried to facilitate while she was here (even after The Email I was arguing her side to DH - who was all for putting her on the next plane out - which she really didn't understand at all).

She thinks I have it all - the great career, the amazing husband and relationship, the "perfect family setup" - and she's right in a way. She doesn't appreciate any of the work that's gone into achieving it but she is right.

And so are the majority that say IABU. We will rent a car and drive down to the arse end of nowhere, spend a week visiting her and seeing her flat and complimenting her on her garden and decorating (one of my many faults was not being interested enough in what she'd done in her garden) and maybe even let the boys stay with her overnight while we're in a B&B which she will absolutely love the idea of.

The thing is - she's the only grandmother my boys have, my own mother died before I met DH. Which she took great pains to remind me of, during the general fallout.

I'd have given anything for her to be the sort of grandmother my mother would have been... but then I guess she's her own sort of GM. And my mother was, and would have been, Perfect. Hard to live up to a spectre.