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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want her boyfriend to come?

89 replies

itsnormalforbridgwater · 14/08/2014 22:05

My 2 6th form friends want to meet up before I have my first DC in September, which is lovely. DF1 is newly in a relationship and DF2 is in a 10 year relationship. DF2 never brings her long term boyfriend (who I know from college) and it's generally a girls weekend with the exception of my DH being in the background when they come to my place.

We meet up every couple of months, normally at mine (they tend to invite themselves), probably because my DH is an amazing and generous host and they can't be bothered/don't have the space. I don't generally mind, as when I go to theirs they make absolutely no effort and I end up shelling out on restaurants and buying rounds of drinks, so I'd rather be in my own bed rather than on their sofa especially at the moment.

DF has planned our dinner (an amazing 4 courses) and has told me after he's sorted everything he's going to his study to do some revision. I've told them both this.

last week my friend text me saying "I'm not sure if I am supposed to bring mark or not?", I responded "whose mark?" "My boyfriend you've got to meet him?" "I didn't realise you were seeing anyone, how long?" "4 weeks" "I don't think we ever discussed bringing blokes? Is Emma bringing tom?" (Panic, I don't have enough beds and DH has ordered all the meat) "no, but I'm easy, can I bring him. You have to meet him at some point".

AIBU to say no, I really don't want you to bring your boyfriend, who I've never met to stay in my house and eat all my food? I'll say it nicer than that). I've got SPD and I'll have to clear out the study and make another bed for them.

OP posts:
Original poster
itsnormalforbridgwater · 14/08/2014 23:00

Nope not at all.

I want to see them both but just not her bringing a stranger into my house over night.

OP posts:
Original poster
itsnormalforbridgwater · 14/08/2014 23:08

Unexpected- my DH, think a wannabe Heston.

I think the conclusion is that I don't want him in my house staying until I've met him. Yes perhaps she's a bit cheeky for asking given we never have boys come but she doesn't know what a nightmare doing anything is at the moment.

I've text her saying that I'd love to meet him but seeing as I'll be out of action for a while after the baby arrives, let's keep it to girls this time. We'll come up to a London afterwards and meet him then.

OP posts:
HaroldLloyd · 15/08/2014 22:00

I don't think you sound petty.

Have a nice weekend.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 15/08/2014 23:02

You don't sound petty to me, normal but it sounds as if you're trying to mask your discomfort at being thought of as inhospitable by involving your husband in the discussion with your friends and the elaborate lengths he's going to. Stop, please, for your sake because you're going to trip yourself up and end up being steamrollered.

I think you need to make it very, very clear because even on your thread, it's not clear as to whether you are resigned to having him there or not. If you're not well then you really should have what you need.

I think that you need to brief your husband to 1) tone it down for your friends' visit, 2) stay well out of the way so that he's not 'being an amazing host'. It seems that he relishes this role and it's not helping, is it?

You need to tell you friend this:

"Hi friend, sorry for the delay in getting back to you, I haven't been that well. I'm feeling a bit better now but this visit is just for the three of us, you, me and other friend. If you want to arrange something for us to meet/socialise with Mark at some point, suggest some dates and we'll be happy to come to you, we look forward to meeting him then.

You should send that to pushing-it-friend and also the other one so that everybody knows what the score is.

... and stop issuing invitations to your house. It smacks of showing off when you're not really because you're resenting it and it seems like you only do it for comfort or saving face. You don't need to feel guilty about saying 'No'. You'd be respected more if you did. You do need to be much, much clearer about what you want and make sure that you only host in your turn. Your friends must pay to host at their homes or a spa or whatever - not for you/your husband to do all the time.

Put together a timetable for you three with definite arrival date and leaving date and what you plan to do. That way there is no confusion and expectations will be managed.

Hope you have a great, stress-free time and feel better soon.

,

Original poster
itsnormalforbridgwater · 16/08/2014 01:46

Lying witch- oh I wish if seen your post before I had debt her the message. It's exactly what I mean and I'd much better worded.

I didn't invite them on this occasion, pushing it friend suggested we all meet up and asked where we should and then said "I'd prefer to go to normals".

I guess we aren't going to meet up for a while until I can leave the baby. I think I'll make it clear this weekend (using similar words to what you have kindly included), as I'll physically be able to sleep on air beds by then etc that I do expect the hosting to be a bit more evenly spread.

OP posts:
Original poster
itsnormalforbridgwater · 16/08/2014 01:51

Ps. DH finds it really hard not to push the boat out. I think he's a people pleaser. I've been illustrating to him how much it costs us and to be fair, he's coming around to the idea that come October, either we won't be able to afford it or that he'd rather spend it on/save for our DD.

OP posts:
Selks · 16/08/2014 02:14

You sound neither petty nor supercilious to me, OP. In fact how you are feeling about not being keen on the boyfriend coming seems very reasonable to me as the whole night sounds as if it was intended to be a girls night, bar DH generously hosting the dinner.

wafflyversatile · 16/08/2014 02:25

I think it just sounds like you are trying to state your case by giving us ALLTHEREASONS!! he can't come in one go.

One reason is enough. You're not up to hosting more than your two close friends at this time.

JapaneseMargaret · 16/08/2014 04:46

So she nominated you to host yet again, and then expects to bring her boyfriend to stay as well, who you've never met?

Brass neck.

Which means ... as she has no qualms about being rude, then you should have no qualms about saying no, and meaning it.

Original poster
itsnormalforbridgwater · 16/08/2014 12:40

Yup. That's how it feels as I get the house ready for them. Bloody exhausted!

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 16/08/2014 14:12

normal... Is it now clear to all that pusing-it-boyfriend will NOT be coming? If not, perhaps check and send another must 'just to be clear'.

Your husband is a problem of the people-pleaser variety. Do you know how he's being perceived by your friends? As some kind of amiable doormat. What kind of person would put over-hosting of wife's friends above the household budget for doing family things? I don't know why he is like this but that would make me cross.

Can you send him out with your daughter for most of this visit, get him to do stuff with her and wean him off waiting on your friends? I know that you're feeling ropey still so obviously he should be on hand (for you that is, not them). If an elaborate dinner has been communicated then you'll have to honour that I suppose but that's it - cornflakes unless anybody ELSE wants to cook. Why don't you suggest a local café for breakfast for you three? Or get out of the house to go somewhere and eat en route?

I'm still worried about you... it's a bit passive to be 'expecting the hosting to be more evenly spread' - because you're dealing with some grasping or at best, happy-for-chez-normal-to-do-all-entertaining people. You don't need to do anything now but IMMEDIATELY the next meet-up is touted tell them:

  1. Great - where shall we go? It's not going to be my home this time. (big smile and breezy outlook). Come up with suggestions...
  1. How are we splitting this three-ways (four if pushing-it friend's boyfriend comes)? X will host this bit, Y will host that bit, Z will host that bit... and normal will do this bit. Everybody happy? Good.

I really, really, wouldn't host at your home anymore. It's been too frequent and people are falling into roles with expectations of your family attached.

The next meet should set the scene. Everybody contributes to the whole thing so that nobody is lumbered. Meet up only to a frequency that works with no feelings of resentment (hence everybody 'hosts' every meet-up).

Stay strong, normal and manage this properly now so that you are not put upon. There's no reason why you have to pay for the whole thing either - friend X pays for breakfast, friend Y pays for lunch out, you'll do dinner... rinse and repeat for each day that they're there.

You can do this! Thanks

Mrssomerhalderx · 16/08/2014 14:50

Yanbu!
I hate friends that seem to be unable to go anywhere without their other halfs.
Say that you are looking forward to meeting him but would prefer another time because of all of
The perfectly understandable reasons that you've given!

Aeroflotgirl · 16/08/2014 15:00

Yanbu at all, I would not want someone who I'd never met staying the weekend in my house. She has only been going out with him fir a month, very rude to expect you to put him up and feed him, especially being heavily pregnant…

Aeroflotgirl · 16/08/2014 15:06

Op you have to put your foot down and stop being a doormat, they have it nice and comfy at yours, you and dh try your best to please them and they take advantage. They invite themselves, very rude, make no effort to host themselves, you buy the rounds and she'll out for restaurants, when they do. What do they do for you op? Are these true friends, or fare weather ones? Start saying no, to hoisting. Every couple of months is a lot, unless your flush, an expense you cannot afford no you have another baby on the way.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 16/08/2014 15:08

I've just realised that your daughter isn't yet born so your husband CAN'T take her out during this visit... BlushGrin

Send him out to the library or to do something he likes to do at home away from your friends, and you'll call him if you need him.

Aeroflotgirl · 16/08/2014 15:21

Every couple of months is a lot fir you to keep putting yourself out. There are plenty of cheap places you could meet at

TattyDevine · 16/08/2014 15:25

I suppose he could try LyingWitch but it could get messy Grin

Aeroflotgirl · 16/08/2014 15:48

I agree lying, your going to have a baby soon which will put an end to these meet ups where op and her dh host all the time. Time to set a new precident, so that things are more fairer.

Original poster
itsnormalforbridgwater · 16/08/2014 15:50

Haha yes DD is due in 9 weeks. I didn't sleep a wink last night due to needing the loo every flipping 10 minutes and god damn SPD (why is it hurting even when I'm not using it?).

i think time will tell with these friends. I wonder how they will be when I have DD, we will see. I suspect I won't hear from them for dust and then I have my answer.

Ive never really thought about what they do for me. Nothing really if i am really honest.

DH loves the cooking and he is only just beginning to see what his 'super hosting' is doing. His dad is the same We won't be very flush after the baby gets here if my current mother care list is anything to go by.

Anyway, plans have changed a little. DH has been called out as there has been a car accident on the nearest motorway- he's not even on call but some poor bugger needs some sort of surgery so off he goes! So the dinner hasn't been cooked. SO I HAVE BOOKED A RESTAURANT! (I can't cook, i'll ruin it) and the meat is going in the freezer.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 16/08/2014 15:56

Oh bless you normal. There you have your answer itsnormal, not much. It's time to re assess, I know you love them, but do they feel the same as you? When you have your dd, 2 month hosting at yours will go out the window, all your energies will be on that little baby. Yes wait and see what happens and that will give you your answer.

better off without lukewarm friends
Btw what does your dh do [nosey emotion]

Aeroflotgirl · 16/08/2014 15:57

It turned out good then, they actually have to pay fir some timing and get their wallets out

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 16/08/2014 16:07

You know that you need to SPLIT the restaurant bill, don't you, normal. Nod your head please and repeat after me...

"I will pay my fair share at the restaurant and no more. We three friends will agree this when we sit down before we order."

... and this bit but it's not compulsory. It needs including only if you're going to falter...

"I might buy a bottle of wine for all of us if I want to. I will be providing cornflakes in the morning and free lodging so that's fine".

... and this.

"I'm going to enjoy my night out at the restaurant and not think about anything else. I am not the host, I'm one of three friends out together and we're EQUAL in status and responsibility for the friendship".

... and what the heck is your husband doing NOT ON CALL and attending an accident. Does he have issues with 'being needed'? Confused

If he does, OP, play this to your advantage and hand over your daughter (when she's born) whenever she needs something, however minor. See if you can stamp that out of him... Grin

... remind him that you will need loads of help when the baby is born so he'll get his fill then and can take wonderful care OF HIS FAMILY.

expatinscotland · 16/08/2014 16:08

Don't pay for these freeloaders' meals!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 16/08/2014 16:09

What expat said in a very non-winded way. Grin

Aeroflotgirl · 16/08/2014 16:15

I agree lying, you sound lovely op Smile