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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not know how to tell my children this?

86 replies

Themomentbefore · 13/08/2014 20:35

This will be short because I am in shock really. Probably AIBU not the best place for it but I know there will be a lot of traffic here and I am not sure where else it could go really.

I've name changed.

My ex H moved to Thailand a few years ago. He's always been quite involved with dc (as far as you can be from Thailand via Skype )

Today he tells me he is remarrying. She is Thai and he freely tells me she is a "bar girl", that's how he met her, but hasn't been for long, so it's fine. Whatever that means.

I've three dc and they're not daft, the oldest is 13.

I don't even know where to begin with this.

OP posts:

Pumpkinpositive · 13/08/2014 22:11

I still don't get the QC/Queen's Counsel reference; please expand...

It was my very poor attempt at humour in response to the "bar girl" description.

SylvaniansKeepGettingHoovered · 13/08/2014 22:15

OP the news has come as a shock to you, give yourself time to get used to the fact he's marrying her, you'll be fine once it sinks in. You can't protect the DC from everything, I'd tell the DC but keep it really simple, just 'he's getting married'.

TiggyD · 13/08/2014 22:16

Ah! Euphamism! "My husband is marrying a bar girl" sounds very different to "My husband is marrying a prostitue." It'll be a lot easier if you said what you actually mean.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 13/08/2014 22:18

Loving all this stereotyping of thai women

frames · 13/08/2014 22:18

Sounds like something my ex would do. My DC would look at me and say ,'really?' in that tone .

MaidOfStars · 13/08/2014 22:20

'Bar girl' = a girl who works at The Bar = barrister = QC.

WorraLiberty · 13/08/2014 22:21

Well prostitutes in the UK are often called 'Working girls'

So that kind of tars everyone with the same brush, unless they're unemployed

SavoyCabbage · 13/08/2014 22:24

My friends ex dh also married a lady he met in Thailand. He left my friend for her.

She's a perfectly nice woman. They have a baby and a perfectly ordinary life.

If he lives in Thailand it is more likely that he is going to meet someone from Thailand than anywhere else.

I would just tell them that he had met a lady in Thailand and he was getting married.

TheFirmament · 13/08/2014 22:26

I didn't see it as the problem being that OP was looking down and sneering at her for being a prostitute or clutching her pearls over that.

It was more that it could, because of that, be a very unequal relationship, one where possibly the marriage is a prostitution-like arrangement, and/or the daft ex is being played by the bar girl who is just looking for a visa. We don't know, it could be true love obviously, but in that set-up, there's a strong possibility it's something less innocent.

It isn't about her being Thai or a prostitute. It's about the situation that puts her in and why she might therefore be marrying ex. (?)

However since he is over there, it also may not affect the DC much. I would take a breezy, OK then attitude and ask him to explain it to them.

sezamcgregor · 13/08/2014 22:40

I'm assuming that she's marrying him to begin a new life rather than to set up shop on a street corner near you - or to continue to work the bars while married?

With that assumption in mind, I don't think your DC need to know her past. Their dad must have feelings for her to be marrying her and it doesn't seem like from Thailand she can have a role as a stepmother.

They just need to know that he's getting married and that it doesn't change anything and that I fact, their dad will be visiting more often, and isn't that great!

I'm sure there will enough jokes about him having a Thai Bride to last your DC a lifetime, they don't need to know that she used to sell herself and may well have met their dad by selling herself to him.

Please don't compare your DC to your friend who's dad remarried after her mum passed away - you're still alive to love and bring up your children, your situations though similar are far from being the same.

tethersend · 13/08/2014 22:51

"I know this man and his history and you do not."

This is true, Themoment- and my post was harsh, I am sorry to have upset you.

It's difficult to understand exactly what's causing the anxiety on such scant information. If you could add any details without compromising yourself, it may help us to understand.

HumblePieMonster · 13/08/2014 23:06

Oh for goodness sake. Lots of silly UK men go to Thailand and marry prostitutes - I live a sheltered life and even I know some men who have done this.

One works here for half the year to fund his life over there with her - and what does she do all the time he's away? She's still a 'bar girl'. She and her extended family live in the house he's funded, which is in her name because he's not a national and not allowed to hold property there. When she's fed up of him, he'll have to come home with nothing.

Another divorced his Thai bride but lost everything (his life's accumulated wealth, such as it was) and is very bitter.

Another, my silly cousin, didn't marry his girl immediately. Instead, after meeting her on holiday, he sent her money every month. I wonder how many men she has persuaded to do that?

Yes, many women become prostitutes due to really difficult circumstances. But that doesn't give them carte blanche to rip off every dopey lad who turns up for a holiday.

Lifeisforlivingkatie · 14/08/2014 00:54

Well said humble pie, we all know this sort of rubbish happens. I saw a girl barely 21 with a man a day younger than death, she was is the same maternity ward. She could not speak English and he did not seem to speak Her Thai language. It must be love!!!

It's had to face your children and keep a straight face when you know the Moron they call Dad is likely going to ruin there livelyhood.

KoalaDownUnder · 14/08/2014 06:07

Yes, many women become prostitutes due to really difficult circumstances. But that doesn't give them carte blanche to rip off every dopey lad who turns up for a holiday.

Hang on - the OP's ex-husband lives over there, and has done for years. It's a completely different scenario to what you're talking about. And he hardly sounds like he's some young, inexperienced 'lad', either.

Moreisnnogedag · 14/08/2014 06:20

I thought the op was upset not because the woman is a prostitute per se, but what it rightly says about her exh.

I would think dreadfully of someone who used a prostitute, and would make massive judgements about their treatment of women. Surely the op is upset at what her DC will think know now of their dad?

VitoCorleone · 14/08/2014 06:20

The OP is worried because her eldest child is 13 and not daft, yes their dad is marrying a Thai woman, but she's probably worried the kids at school are going to be ribbing the kid about his/her dads "Thai bride"

It happens, kids even as young as 13 know the score, maybe they'll be saying "your dads marrying a ladyboy" or other such nonsense.

I think that's what's bothering the OP?

KoalaDownUnder · 14/08/2014 06:35

But who says her ex-husband met her through her work?

You may scoff, but these women do go out in wider society and have a life outside their jobs, like everyone.

And even if he was her client, OP's children never need to know that.

The bloke has lived in Thailand for years. I don't think the whole 'mail-order bride' cliché applies here. He met a woman in the country he's lived in for years, that's all.

ChoosandChipsandSealingWax · 14/08/2014 09:01

The OP said it:

he freely tells me she is a "bar girl", that's how he met her, but hasn't been for long, so it's fine.

Ditto would play it down with the DC.

KoalaDownUnder · 14/08/2014 09:10

Sorry, right you are; I missed that.

(Still think there's no reason for the DCs to ever know, though.)

capant · 14/08/2014 09:14

HumblePie - If a man pays for sex with prostitutes he is a vile man and deserves everything he gets.

Lucked · 14/08/2014 09:16

I think it is natural to worry about your children in this situation. Their father is marrying a prostitute, it probably won't end well. Even if the penny doesn't drop at the moment it may in the future and may affect their relationship with their father or could be seen as a way of legitimising prostitution. Not a message you want for a teenage boy.

The dynamic in the relationship may not be the healthiest to witness if she does visit the uk.

19lottie82 · 14/08/2014 09:25

I agree, why do your children need to know her profession / ex profession (a lot of girls dream of marrying a westerner who will look after her so she doesn't need to work anymore), and why do you need to tell them? surely he can do that?

ChoosandChipsandSealingWax · 14/08/2014 10:03

I suppose it's possible that she solicited him, and that's how he met her, but that he never actually paid her for sex.

If he did, I agree, vile.

Anyway I certainly wouldn't be telling the DC that part.

FantasticButtocks · 14/08/2014 19:09

I remember you from a long time ago, when we both had different MN names. So sorry your exh/dc's father is such an awful, careless, thoughtless selfish pig of a man, doing stupid, mad, ridiculous and irresponsible things, but he always was, and he probably always will be. Very hard to protect your children from that.

I hope you are ok.

Aradia · 14/08/2014 20:19

This makes for very interesting reading.

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