To not know how to tell my children this?

[Themomentbefore]

This will be short because I am in shock really. Probably AIBU not the best place for it but I know there will be a lot of traffic here and I am not sure where else it could go really.

I've name changed.

My ex H moved to Thailand a few years ago. He's always been quite involved with dc (as far as you can be from Thailand via Skype )

Today he tells me he is remarrying. She is Thai and he freely tells me she is a "bar girl", that's how he met her, but hasn't been for long, so it's fine. Whatever that means.

I've three dc and they're not daft, the oldest is 13.

I don't even know where to begin with this.

I would tell them he is getting married to a lady he's met in Thailand. No need for any other details. Many women in different parts of the world fall in to prostitution out of desperation and poverty. I think you should try not to judge and encourage the children to treat their dad the way they always have.

I don't even know where to begin with this.

You tell them you believe their dad is getting married. Or even let him tell them?

He should tell them. Although perhaps not the bar girl bit... He can deal with any awkward questions. If they ask you, just say you don't know (which you don't) and they need to talk to him.

I am 37 and not clear what a 'bar girl' is. I'm assuming a prostitute and/or transgender female?

FFS.

It's a euphemism for Queen's Counsel, or the Thai equivalent.

Tell them he's getting married. Or, even better, he tells them he's getting married. To a woman. Not a member of a sub-human species

Please don't imply that is how I am feeling about the woman in question tethersend. I know this man and his history and you do not. I do not wish to go into details here. My children will struggle with this news and I have seen a similar situation cause much heartbreak. I am worried how this will affect my children and I think I am right to be, while in no way judging his fiancée to be "sub human" because of the job she does.

I know this man and his history and you do not.

As soon as you post on AIBU you lose the 'right' to reserve judgement on your own particular case.

What are the problems, beyond him remarrying?

But I don't understand why they need to be told what she did as a job. Why would anyone tell children that?

I also think that if they do find out when they are older, they will hopefully have met her and like her. They hopefully won't judge her on a job she did for a very short time. They could also be told that sometimes people do jobs like this as they feel they have no other choice. Who knows what circumstances she lives under?

I would let him tell them, face to face, over Skype. I would not be saving his arse by doing it for him.

As for your kids - this is not your doing so all you can do is be there, listen, etc. The relationship they have with their dad is really between him and them. You don't have to bath-mouth him or his choice of partner - in fact I'd try to be as neutral as possible while answering their questions as honestly and fairly as you can. What else can you do?

Thanks for all responses but I am going to leave the thread now, I am feeling quite fragile about the whole thing for various reasons including my own history with him and how that affected my dc and I. I feel that posters are judging me for being worried about this new turn of events and in fact can feel an impending AIBU toasting and I am just not up to it I am afraid. Thanks again

Sorry

Just seen your latest post, I was trying to make you laugh.

Look, he's clearly an arsehole and you're better off without his diseased cock trying to riddle you with something horrible. Anyone who pays for sex is a repulsive turd and you deserve better

(Freudian slip, EatShitDerek?!)
OP inform your ex that you've told your DC that he will explain everything. And leave it at that.
Hope it's not a ladyboy a la Inbetweeners 2.....

Op , let him deal with what he tells the children but ask him to let you know when he plans to discuss it with them so that you can be around to support them .
Any new relationship is hard on children & I'm sure your dc have no idea what a bar girl is .
I have heard of a few people who visited Thailand doing this and most of the time it's for a visa as pp have pointed out but I also know of 2 couples who genuinely fell in love !
( not sure if bar girls though !) x

It's a euphemism for Queen's Counsel, or the Thai equivalent

So she's in the legal profession then! I don't see the problem....

When you posted this, I didn't actually know what the abbreviation QC stood for, so I assumed that 'Queen's counsel' was an euphemism for prostitute too

Of course all people who work in bars in Thailand are prostitutes or transgendered.

Lot of racism on this thread.

I think your DCs will be more affected by him remarrying, full stop, and I suppose that was always a possibility, since you split up. As pps have said, he can break the news himself. Time will tell if it's any kind of real relationship.

'bar girl' is a euphemism for prostitute in Thailand, Tiggy.

Yep, the comments about transgender people are offensive and bizarre.

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling fragile OP. There's obviously a lot you've not said which might make things make more sense.

eatshitder

Tiggy are you looking to be offended. The op clearly knows her ex is going to marry a prostitute and was being nice and referring to her as a bar girl. There is no racism here.

I still don't get the QC/Queen's Counsel reference; please expand...