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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it shouldn't be too difficult for a grown woman to cope with her own 3 children on a train journey?

98 replies

bluestrawhat · 13/08/2014 16:20

Because is the reason somebody I know has given for not seeing her parents, instead expecting them to drive down or catch the train to see her when they're quite elderly and one has failing health. BTW she doesn't work and the children are in the middle of a 6 week plus holiday so no time restrictions. Do you think this scenario and the fact that the parents pander to it is a bit odd?

OP posts:
ICanSeeTheShardFromHere · 13/08/2014 17:57

I know you say there are no mental health issues involved but I don't think it's normal for her to feel like she can't cope with the situation you've described.

Does she have anxiety or something?

ilovesooty · 13/08/2014 17:57

I think there must be more to this.

I'm just relieved there's no question of having to bf next to a strange man on the train. Grin

Gileswithachainsaw · 13/08/2014 17:59

There has to be more to it.

There's no way on earth that it can be the kids. I do why people are incapable of dealing with their own children outside of the house.

fun1nthesun · 13/08/2014 18:23

Is there a back story in terms of abuse/favouritism/alienation/rivalry or whatever else between this person making her reluctant to see them (particularly in that house)

A history of laziness?

Do the grandparents take any interest in the grandkids or ignore them? In other words, are they a close and happy family or are things awkward and off putting.

The grandparents can of course refuse...

Original poster
bluestrawhat · 13/08/2014 18:41

I think you're right Ican. This is not a one-off scenario in that she seems to find it difficult to cope with things that most people do without thinking about them BUT she doesn't see this as a problem and thinks everybody else is abnormal. What I don't get is why people don't challenge this but it must suit them to keep her like this in some way. For example, we actually heard her dh say, 'Good girl' to her recently because she'd been for a walk. There was no irony involved. Likewise her parents seem to somehow believe she has a stressful life. It's very, very odd.

OP posts:
shoppingbagsundereyes · 13/08/2014 19:08

I would say the grandparents aren't victims of her attitude but rather facillitators of it. I know quite a few adults who continue to behave like children because their parents pander to it. Several of my friends are in their 40's and are financially dependent on their parents because their parents are unwilling to tell them to get a grip and stand on their own two feet.

mandy214 · 13/08/2014 19:16

Are you related to her blue? Do you know her children? You only have to read some of the posts on here about parenting teens and you realise that its not a bed of roses for everyone. It might be that she doesn't have many friends, if she's not working she doesn't have colleagues and if she was praised in some way for having been out of the house for a walk, perhaps there are more serious issues at play that you don't know about? Maybe perhaps if you do know her well / are related to her, you should be seeing if there is any way you can support her? Perhaps her parents know what is going on and are therefore prepared to do the journey rather than the other way around?

mandy214 · 13/08/2014 19:18

And I agree there is a difference between pandering to someone who is needy / unreasonable and someone who genuinely has issues.

howdoimakehimnoticeme · 13/08/2014 19:26

I will bet my last pound she has issues you are not aware of. Whether that be depression or anxiety or something else.

CaptainFracasse · 13/08/2014 19:33

I don't know. I've travelled with both 2dcs under 3yo doing a journey much longer than that (3h flight plus waiting at airport, getting act entail car and driving another 3h).
It would never have crossed my mind not to do it.

At 12yo let alone 16yo I would expect my dc to be able to do the trip on their own unless there was some complex changes involved.

So on paper, I'm struggling to see why doing the journey with them is too much.
Which I would assume this is just an excuse.

Original poster
bluestrawhat · 13/08/2014 19:34

I know this person extremely well and her parents (about whom I'm very concerned). She has and has had an extremely privileged life. Although she doesn't work she has a cleaner, nanny, gardener and beautiful house. I know this is no preventative for depression but she really doesn't have this. If anything, she is so blissfully untroubled and oblivious to what life is like for most people that this seems to me to be the only explanation for her finding simple things so difficult.

OP posts:
howdoimakehimnoticeme · 13/08/2014 19:35

bluestrawhat - I was the most depressed I have ever been in my life when I had the house, the fancy car, the cleaner, and room for a pony (to paraphrase Mrs Bucket)

Now I have much much less but am as happy as a pig in shite.

CaptainFracasse · 13/08/2014 19:38

If this is a much wider problem then one can wonder if
1- she isn't actually depressed
Or 2- she hasn't been babied by her parents and then her DH
3- she is so used to take little responsibilities or actions that even a little one seems like a mountain.

CaptainFracasse · 13/08/2014 19:39

Xposts

Has she ever had a job in her life or responsibilities?

Clobbered · 13/08/2014 19:41

Maybe she has agoraphobia? That would fit with what you've told us so far (including the "well done" after going for a walk).

Original poster
bluestrawhat · 13/08/2014 19:46

Think it's a mixture of 2 and 3 Captain. I can see how if you have very little to do each day then small things expand to fit the time you have and seem very big. Her husband and parents seem to be colluding in this which is harder to understand. There seems to be no awareness that her lifestyle is not typical and that most people can cope with basic tasks like cooking a meal efficiently. It's not that she's suffering from depression or guilt or anything because she doesn't recognize any of her issues as problem and nobody seems to be challenging her.

OP posts:
Original poster
bluestrawhat · 13/08/2014 19:48

She hasn't had a job in 16 years since dc1. Has got 3 children but always had a significant amount of domestic help + holiday clubs etc.

OP posts:
gamescompendium · 13/08/2014 19:50

It might be anxiety, I know people who seem unable to do the most basic things, and then there are others that do much more than others. Or it might be that taking her kids to see her parents is incredibly stressful for various reasons. Children and very elderly grandparents can be a bad mix, FIL is fussy about food, doesn't like his routine upset, needs his naptimes at regular times and gets tired if he has to do too much in a day. Much like my three small children. Any visit involving him (either us visiting him or him visiting us) has stressful elements, whereas both grandmothers are younger and healthier and relish being with their grandchildren.

If you live close to family it's easier, visits are shorter and less stressful but they also happen more frequently so both children and elderly grandparents are more used to each other.

howdoimakehimnoticeme · 13/08/2014 19:51

bluestrawhat - unless you're living in her head, how on earth can you make all these sweeping statements?

No one, apart from me and one very close friend, knows just quite how deep my depression was.

Original poster
bluestrawhat · 13/08/2014 19:57

Hmm... I'm not sure you can go round excusing people's behaviour on the basis that they might have something that they haven't said they had and there's no evidence for.

She is perfectly happy. This is what her dh, dcs, parents and friends think. She does go out, has friends and a loving husband.

She does manage long journeys very well when it suits her e.g. exotic holidays.

Maybe she does find being with her parents stressful (who doesn't?) but it's her that wants a favour from them for her dcs. You wouldn't have thought it would be that much to ask given they're elderly and one is very ill once a year given she has so little else to do and the children have an 8 week holiday!

OP posts:
Thebodyloveschocolateandwine · 13/08/2014 20:23

In my experience people actually do what they choose to do even if they moan about it to all and sundry before during and after.

The teenagers probably don't want to go.

Are they your parents op?

KnittedJimmyChoos · 13/08/2014 20:32

I suspect visiting them is just not high on her agenda and the thought of a train ride really pus her off. They want to see her and GC more than vice versa.

As for the elderly GP I would strongly advise them against train travel these days..if they need help or ask for it, or need to move seats or have any issues I believe the current protocol is not to help. Wink

So please, I beg you, stop them.

EverythingCounts · 13/08/2014 20:32

have only skimmed but could she be somewhat agoraphobic? There's no reason to see a 16, 12 and 8 yo who are all NT as a big barrier to a train journey. Sounds like a breeze!

Ev1lEdna · 13/08/2014 20:37

It was worth reading this for Jennyontheblock's post. Grin I'll take my side ('none of our business side' for what it's worth.)

ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy · 13/08/2014 20:37

Do any of those exotic holidays happen without her DH there?

The well done for going for a walk might be for tackling such a thing alone, if she has phobias.

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