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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this 'engagement party' invite is a bit cheeky?

68 replies

EvaBeaversProtege · 12/08/2014 21:28

A family member (dh's relative) got engaged a few months ago but have no date set for their wedding.

Last week we received an invite to a "celebration meal" to mark their engagement.

Great, they're a nice couple, we're not particularly close but there aren't many family members on dh's side so understood why we were invited.

But.. The invite gives us time/place AND cost per head per person!!!

AIBU to think if you want to celebrate but not pay massively for it you have a party in a pub with sandwiches or at home etc but don't plan a big elaborate meal, expect us to pay £20 per head (plus whatever it is for kids) just because you decide to get married?

OP posts:

ADHDNoodles · 12/08/2014 21:31

I don't know engagement etiquette. But whenever we go out for a person's birthday we pay for our own meals and buy them a drink. It doesn't seem like this is much different?

You probably got the invitation out of formality if you're not that close.

If you don't want to pay, don't go. They'll have other family members there.

Original poster

EvaBeaversProtege · 12/08/2014 21:33

Yes, I get it, if it were a meal for a birthday etc I would have no problem with the invite.

But it's an engagement party.

We're busy anyway but it's the first type of invite I've seen like this.

OP posts:

SlinkyB · 12/08/2014 21:34

Nope, don't think it's cheeky. We'd never be able to afford to pay for loads of people, but love to get together with friends and family occasionally.

At least they were upfront about it, and didn't just land you with an unexpected bill at the end.

MarthasHarbour · 12/08/2014 21:35

I am usually all over the wedding/party etiquette threads but to be honest i think this is ok.

They have invited you out for a meal to celebrate their engagement, if they had invited you out for a meal to celebrate their birthday you would expect to pay so i dont see how this is different.

You dont have to go - so if you begrudge paying then dont go. However i would - and i think £20 per head is quite reasonable (and i am a tight arse )

WorraLiberty · 12/08/2014 21:35

I'm unsure really

It seems like nobody wants to pay for their own celebrations any more

It would have been considered very cheeky years ago, but not so much now.

ClashCityRocker · 12/08/2014 21:37

Hmm, no, I don't think it's too cheeky IF there is no pressure to attend.

I don't think it's something I'd do a formal invite to, but we did get together with a few friends and go out for a meal when we got engaged. It was more an excuse for a get-together really. We went to an all-you-can-eat buffet type place just coz it was easier and had a good bar

Having said that, the formal invite with time and place rather than a casual 'd'you fancy...' would set alarm bells ringing.

museumum · 12/08/2014 21:40

I don't know. If it was a "you are invited to a party" invitation then it would he cheeky.
But if it's "do you want to come out for a meal with us to celebrate?" Then fair enough I'd say.

I've never bought all my friends dinner at a restaurant for any occasion. Nor been bought dinner in those circumstances.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 12/08/2014 21:47

This is pretty standard now. In fact for all meals other than a wedding breakfast I would expect to pay, regardless of who invited/occasion. I've never been to a party with a free bar either, mores to pity!

Original poster

EvaBeaversProtege · 12/08/2014 21:49

It was an invite.

You are invited to join X & X at X hotel on X date at X time to celebrate the occasion of their engagement. (£20 per person)

Yes, they were up front, there's no pretence, which is good in a way. We're being put under pressure from in laws to attend - I have an event that night but dh & the kids could go if they wanted.

I'm not up on etiquette either which is why I thought it was cheeky.

Looks like IABU then

OP posts:

HannerHet · 12/08/2014 21:51

YABU, they have made it clear from the start that you need to pay. If you don't want to, don't go

Bowlersarm · 12/08/2014 21:52

YABU.

They can't have been more honest.

Don't go if you don't want to/can't afford it.

mommy2ash · 12/08/2014 21:54

I don't think it's cheeky if they were upfront about it. the choice is yours then if you can go. if they got all upset because people couldn't go that would be silly as not everyone can afford meals out all the time.

ThePrisonerOfAzkaban · 12/08/2014 21:57

I go by the rule if it's a written invite ie, a child's birthday, wedding, christening then the invitee should pay. If it's a text/general chat/phone call then you pay your own way. Seems to fit most causes, if it's important/special enough to put out formal invites then you suck up the cost

Laquitar · 12/08/2014 21:57

To me if you say 'lets get together for a meal' then people can make suggestions regarding the place, location, date. All parts decide.

If one person or couple decide the place and the date then they should pay.

When it is family you have to go.so it is like someone decides what and when you pay and puts pressure on you.

Viviennemary · 12/08/2014 21:58

Don't bother going. Can't see the point of this kind of pay for your own celebration by invitation.

erin99 · 12/08/2014 22:01

Like PP, normally I'm the first to think wedding stuff is off, but I wouldn't stress much about this one. Easy enough to decline if you don't fancy it - whatever your ILs say, there is no social obligation to go in my view. If I were close family and felt obliged to attend I might be less chilled.

In my family my GPs aren't loaded and it's normal for their big wedding anniversaries for us all to get together at a hotel for lunch, and pay per person. It's a nice way for everyone to get together when people are travelling a long way - you can't travel 3 hours each way for a couple of sandwiches in a pub. Yes it's a bit OTT to "need" an engagement celebration but it's possible they've been pressed into it by family or something.

ShakesBootyFlabWobbles · 12/08/2014 22:01

My mum (64) says it is shocking, cheeky and YANBU

I think it is a bit shite/YANBU, but then I always find engagements a bit 'meh' anyway as engaged folk may never make it up the aisle.

However, both my mum and I are long past the 'engaged friends' phase so times have moved on clearly. I think I'd would be a bit at receiving that 'invite' too.

Original poster

EvaBeaversProtege · 12/08/2014 22:14

Shakes, I like your mum

They're both students, so I agree they could never pay for everyone they've sent an invite to.

My point is, I guess, do they really need to celebrate in this way?

Each to their own & all that though :)

OP posts:

ShakesBootyFlabWobbles · 12/08/2014 22:42

Mitzimaybe · 12/08/2014 22:48

I think formal invite = they should pay. If they can't afford it then just have drinks in a pub - which is what we did. If PIL are pressuring you to attend then PIL should pay. YANBU

KoalaDownUnder · 13/08/2014 05:54

YANBU

I think if you invite people via a formal, written invitation to celebrate your milestone event, you pay.

Being 'upfront' about the cost does not make it any less rude.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 13/08/2014 06:04

I think the written invitation was a faux pas, they should have gone with something less formal. At least you know where you stand though.

Partridge · 13/08/2014 06:11

I assume they are young, because really, who wants to celebrate an engagement? However £20/ head for a fancy meal seems cheap so I wonder if they are subsidising a bit?

ExitPursuedByAKoalaBear · 13/08/2014 06:16

I am old and I think it is cheeky.

In my mind, an engagement party should be hosted by the parents, who would foot the bill.

freyaW2014 · 13/08/2014 06:18

I don't know the rights and wrongs of this to be honest all I know is I really dislike these kind of invites.
My staff Xmas meal was like this, slightly different I know but I resented paying for that!

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