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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this 'engagement party' invite is a bit cheeky?

68 replies

EvaBeaversProtege · 12/08/2014 21:28

A family member (dh's relative) got engaged a few months ago but have no date set for their wedding.

Last week we received an invite to a "celebration meal" to mark their engagement.

Great, they're a nice couple, we're not particularly close but there aren't many family members on dh's side so understood why we were invited.

But.. The invite gives us time/place AND cost per head per person!!!

AIBU to think if you want to celebrate but not pay massively for it you have a party in a pub with sandwiches or at home etc but don't plan a big elaborate meal, expect us to pay £20 per head (plus whatever it is for kids) just because you decide to get married?

OP posts:
Chiana · 13/08/2014 06:27

Sounds like they're skint, and it was do the engagement party this way or not have an engagement party.

Gooseysgirl · 13/08/2014 06:38

What's wrong with just going out for a few drinks and providing nibbles for your guests??? Sorry but I think it is cheeky to send out a formal written invite and then expecting guests to pay...

JessieMcJessie · 13/08/2014 06:45

20 quid per head is cheap - they are probably subsidising it.

Original poster
EvaBeaversProtege · 13/08/2014 10:37

They're not subsidising it. It's a Carvery meal in mediocre establishment. That's what it costs.

We're not attending.

I just thought it was a bit bold, particularly as they're expecting gifts as well (some glass stuff she collects).

They're a nice young couple, I'll buy them a gift, but won't attend.

OP posts:
KoalaDownUnder · 13/08/2014 10:41

I wouldn't care if they were subsidising it - have something at home, or at a cheaper venue, so you can afford to actually host people! Goes double if they're expecting gifts...wow.

flipchart · 13/08/2014 10:42

This is exactly how all our extended gatherings are done for meals.
Absolutely no problem with it at all.
They are just getting everyone together- which is a nice thing surely.

I think your comment about DH's not having many family members so that is why you got an invite is snipey to be honest.

YABU and like you said they are students so they aren't going to be flash with the cash I guess.

Original poster
EvaBeaversProtege · 13/08/2014 10:46

No, it wasn't "snipey".

I was explaining it wasn't a sibling getting engaged. For a sibling we would have went without a doubt.

Though dh & his siblings are all married without an engagement party/expectation of gifts.

OP posts:
Original poster
EvaBeaversProtege · 13/08/2014 10:49

And in dh's family (as well as mine!) if we're having birthday/nights out we pay our own way.

I think I'm asking about this as on one hand it's a formal invite, but on the other hand we're expected to pay for the pleasure of sitting amongst extended family members who we probably haven't seen since SIL wedding.

This is the first invite of this type I have ever received.

OP posts:
diddl · 13/08/2014 10:49

Perhaps what they did "wrong" was send an invitation.

Rather than an informal "we're having a celebratory meal at this place on this date, turn up if you want to"

Gennz · 13/08/2014 10:53

I think engagement parties are double-dipping anyway so YADNBU in my opinion.

Sicaq · 13/08/2014 10:55

Not exactly cheeky, but like a PP I find engagement parties a bit odd, especially given that you say they are students. When I was an undergrad ( way back when) most people had two or three engagements before actually getting married. I'd wait for the wedding.

chubbyhez · 13/08/2014 11:08

I think it's fine and it clears up any confusion as to whether or not you are paying or they are. I have been invited to birthday dinners and the organisers have asked the restaurant for a set menu to clear up any of the 'I had a steak, you had a salad, we're splitting the bill'nonsense and everyone sorts out their own drinks.

Vintagejazz · 13/08/2014 11:39

Yanbu. If you're not that close, it seems that they're casting the net fairly wide which is a bit cheeky when you're not actually providing the food and drinks yourself. A few drinks in a pub or at home to celebrate would have been more appropriate - if they really want to have an engagement celebration.

flipchart · 13/08/2014 11:59

I think it is a brilliant way to get the extended family together. No fussing about who had what, a nice to have a catch up with people. I think it is lovely.

I know you said you don't really know them, well here is an opportunity to do so.
20 quid for a meal is reasonable.

I would go and enjoy myself and wish them well!

yumyumpoppycat · 13/08/2014 12:19

I think its a meal for the two families to get to know each other a bit better before the wedding, not a party therefore no obligation to bring a bottle and gift etc so possibly cheaper all round than a party. I think engagement parties are a total pita and recently turned down a couple of invitations to these.

I think it would have been difficult to coordinate casually with more than a few people without invitations.

As others have said it is organised of them to find somewhere with a set price where there is no debate about where to go who pays what etc.

popcornpaws · 13/08/2014 12:53

I think its cheeky, I've "hosted" loads of celebration meals over the years for various occasions and have always paid for everyone.
Times have changed though, aside from that, poor students getting engaged? why? (i know its none of my business but really?)

WooWooOwl · 13/08/2014 12:54

I think it's cheeky, because the fact that it's a family engagement does lead to there being pressure from family to attend.

They could just invite people to join them for a few celebratory drinks at a pub, in which case people would expect to buy their own drinks and wouldn't expect food to be provided.

MissPenelopeLumawoo · 13/08/2014 13:11

We just invited our parents and went for a meal. They had not met each other so it seemed a good time for introductions. I think we paid for the meal, but each side then gave us something back in cash (not prompted by us!) I would not have dragged distant relatives into it though, so I think they are BU.

reup · 13/08/2014 13:16

Did they ask for presents on the invitation?

diddl · 13/08/2014 13:35

Perhaps they will have a very small wedding & this is for those who won't be invited?

DilysMoon · 13/08/2014 13:39

I think its fine. We didn't have an engagement anything as I don't really like parties, especially ones where I'm the focus, so their idea sounds quite nice to me and they've been upfront about the cost. Win win.

DilysMoon · 13/08/2014 13:43

Just read about presents, if they've specified presents then that is cheeky!

bigTillyMint · 13/08/2014 13:44

I am also old and think its very cheeky. But I think times have changed - I wouldn't dream of asking the DCs party guests to pay for whatever they planned to do (teens now) but it seems to be the norm that the "invitees" pay for themselves in their social circlesConfused

ifuknow · 13/08/2014 13:53

Agree with other posters who say that if you invite people to your milestone event, then you pick up the tab.
Nobody seems to want to pay for anything these days, we've been invited round to 'friends' for dinner which turned out to be buy your own from the Chinese. Barbecues are often BYO meat/booze. The worst was a wedding where we were fed a bacon sandwich and nothing else!
I think its the height of bad manners not to host your guests.

londonrach · 13/08/2014 13:56

Didn't know about engagement parties.. (Stamps foot as didn't have one). They been upfront with cost and it's not a summons so you can turn it down but send next card etc