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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think this is a little old fashioned...

83 replies

Bean89 · 12/08/2014 16:12

I might just be being a little PFB, but yesterday I took my DD to be weighed at the midwives drop in centre. The lady who was registering us took my name, then DD's. She started writing the same surname as mine and when I told her it wasn't she looked appalled and asked why DD had a different surname. I told her it was her fathers and she still looked utterly baffled, so I explained we aren't married yet. There was very little small talk after that!
I'm obviously not hideously offended or anything, but surely there aren't that many reasons a child would have a different surname to the mother and really, why question it? Just seemed a bit off.

OP posts:
passmethewineplease · 12/08/2014 16:13

YANBU. I see no reason to question it.

My DS has DPs surname, it's never been mentioned.

SteeleyeSpanx · 12/08/2014 16:21

Some people think its ok to have children before you are married, some do not.

On MN, the vast majority fall into the former group, but irl, there are lots and lots who are in the latter.

I sometimes think MN offers a really skewed perspective on the world, it isn't as liberal and left-leaning and it appears to be on here.

LokiBear · 12/08/2014 16:23

I am married to DD's dad but haven't changed my name. Not all women do. Very old fashioned imo. DH and I have been married for almost 5 years and it is mostly laziness on my point, combined with a strange, petulant 'but it's MY name' feeling. Never really caused an issue although DH did get a little upset when DD's wrist band was labelled 'dd mylastname' instead of his. Apparently the hospital always put the mothers name on the tags, married or not.

SteeleyeSpanx · 12/08/2014 16:24

FWIW, I really don't care from a moral perspective, but when I hear about people deliberately TTC while unmarried, I really hope they have independent wealth in case it all goes wrong.

The law is horribly unfair to unmarried partners if they choose to end the relationship.

WorraLiberty · 12/08/2014 16:24

Weird

Was she new to the job?

SallyMcgally · 12/08/2014 16:25

But loads of women keep their maiden names if they're married anyway. I do, because I use the name by which I've always been known in my profession. The midwife sounds pretty limited if she really did have issues. And she could usefully shed them, if she has any hope of behaving professionally at work. YANBU - it was very off, and you shouldn't have been made to feel that you needed to offer her any kind of explanation at all.

Shockingundercrackers · 12/08/2014 16:25

My midwife did exactly the same thing (I am married though, she just couldn't get her head around the different surname).

My first indication that she wasn't in the slightest bit competent bright.

SociallyAcceptableCookie · 12/08/2014 16:26

A receptionist at baby clinic shouldn't be surprised, even if she disapproves. I agree with pp that she was probably new. Here they would have asked for both names.

AnnieLobeseder · 12/08/2014 16:26

Hideously rude. On very many levels. Some people don't think being married is important, or are opposed to it on principle. Some women don't take their partner's name on marriage. Not only is this becoming increasingly common in the UK, but has been the traditional way for many European countries for, well, ever.

If she has provincial opinions from the 1950s, well, that's her right, I suppose. But it's utterly unprofessional to allow those opinions to cloud her treatment of the women under her care.

Ipromise · 12/08/2014 16:27

I'm very surprised that someone working in a baby clinic would even raise an eyebrow

It's hardly uncommon

squoosh · 12/08/2014 16:29

Unprofessional of her to make any comment. None of her business.

Although I'm sometimes surprised by the amount of unmarried couples who give their baby the father's name.

AnnieLobeseder · 12/08/2014 16:30

Whenever I do anything NHS-related with my DDs and there are forms to be filled in, they always take the DD's names first, and when they ask for mine, also ask if it's the same last name. So generally, healthcare professionals are very well used to children and their mothers (probably more rarely their fathers, but that's a thread for another day) having different last names.

I did have to have polite words with the person taking details when I went to give blood once when he asked for my "Christian" name.

hollie84 · 12/08/2014 16:33

Me too squoosh! I don't understand why the father's name is the default.

Very weird of her to ask/comment though.

fluffyraggies · 12/08/2014 17:09

Very unprofessional of her. I'm not altogether shocked though. Especially if it was an older lady.

I agree with ''I sometimes think MN offers a really skewed perspective on the world, it isn't as liberal and left-leaning and it appears to be on here''.

There are many things practically written in stone on MN that are much more fluid in RL i find.

Hurr1cane · 12/08/2014 17:12

My DS has his dads surname even though we aren't together. I just felt it was sort of the 'done thing' for DCs to have their dads surnames. Now I'm really not bothered either way. Apart from health professionals calling mrs DSs surname I haven't had any negative responses. What a strange woman

melissa83 · 12/08/2014 17:12

I find in rl its the other way round and very few people all have the same surname in a family. When I had my first the midwife said oh right your married? Thats not usual.

fluffyraggies · 12/08/2014 17:13

Just to add, 3 of my DCs have a different last name to me as i have remarried. We get in a pickle sometimes with family registering for stuff, but i've not encountered any judgyess yet.

M27J5M · 12/08/2014 17:14

I expect to get loads of this come next year :/ my ds has my surname, father walked out when baby so he's always been known as my surname, the child I'm carrying just now will more than likely take my partners name! The day will come where we all have the same surname!

BertieBotts · 12/08/2014 17:14

Erm, whatever "most people" believe, lots of families have children while unmarried (or, shock horror, women keeping their own name after marriage) for lots of different reasons.

It's unprofessional and offensive of her to make a big deal of it, IMO.

HerBigChance · 12/08/2014 17:15

It was unprofessional of her to comment.

I don't really find MN to be liberal and left-leaning, tbh.

ToffeeMoon · 12/08/2014 17:17

What does you not being married have to do with it? I'm married. DH kept his own name after marriage, so I kept mine.

CleanLinesSharpEdges · 12/08/2014 17:19

Unprofessional of her to comment.

However, if we're talking old fashioned, then I thinks it's old fashioned that you'd automatically give the baby the fathers surname, especially when you're not married.

Brabra · 12/08/2014 17:20

Giving the baby the father's name is very old fashioned.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 12/08/2014 17:21

My DD's surname is mine and ExDP's mashed together double barrelled so non of us actually have the same surname Confused

Ericaequites · 12/08/2014 17:22

It is old fashioned to get married before having a baby, but almost always the right way to do things.

Then again,I'm a childless lesbian who is the daughter of the town bastard b. 1937 when such things mattered a lot. My mother suffered for years because of her status. I chose not to have a child to avoid questions and explanations.