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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this is a little old fashioned...

83 replies

Bean89 · 12/08/2014 16:12

I might just be being a little PFB, but yesterday I took my DD to be weighed at the midwives drop in centre. The lady who was registering us took my name, then DD's. She started writing the same surname as mine and when I told her it wasn't she looked appalled and asked why DD had a different surname. I told her it was her fathers and she still looked utterly baffled, so I explained we aren't married yet. There was very little small talk after that!
I'm obviously not hideously offended or anything, but surely there aren't that many reasons a child would have a different surname to the mother and really, why question it? Just seemed a bit off.

OP posts:

BertieBotts · 12/08/2014 17:33

I don't think it's old fashioned to get married, what's old fashioned is the assumption of marriage.

Snatchoo · 12/08/2014 17:35

I think it's more weird that your child has your partner's name and not yours tbh.

But that's just me and I wouldn't comment on it.

Original poster

Bean89 · 12/08/2014 17:41

I agree my decision could be considered old fashioned, but as my main issue is that I don't feel I should have to explain my child's surname I shan't go into the many reasons she has taken her fathers name before we're married
Perhaps I shouldn't have said 'old fashioned'. Perhaps just unprofessional.

OP posts:

Floralnomad · 12/08/2014 17:44

The OP does not say that the person made a comment , she just looked baffled and appalled ( not sure what appalled looks like !) . I agree with other posters that its weird that if you are not married the default surname would be the dads so perhaps that's why the person was confused.

OnlyLovers · 12/08/2014 17:45

Pretty unprofessional of her to show emotion so openly, whether she was really appalled or just baffled.

Namechangearoonie123 · 12/08/2014 17:50

Yes, I wouldn't give the baby the fathers name - maybe that's why she looked aghast.

I do tend to think women who have children without the legal benefits of marriage are daft though.

M27J5M · 12/08/2014 18:17

I'm genuinely amazed (not necessarily in a bad way) at how diff people opinions are on this! I didn't think many people would actually bother with these kinda things these days

StrawberryMouse · 12/08/2014 18:18

My friend had the opposite of this! She is unmarried so gave her ds her last name. When her dp accompanied her to one of her HV appointments, the hcp she saw made a comment along the lines of "Oh, we thought you weren't in the picture, X, that's usually the case when baby has mum's name." I would have been . You'd think HV deal with a wide variety of personal situations in their jobs wouldn't you!

Hurr1cane · 12/08/2014 18:22

I had a baby without the legalities of marriage.

My ex had nothing. I had nothing.

DS wasn't planned but he's very much wanted by me and ex.

I don't think it's daft.

maudpringles · 12/08/2014 18:25

WTF It is old fashioned to be married before you have a baby??
No- for you it is, but for many others it isnt' old fashioned' at all.
I must be living in a parallel universe.

Back on Topic....It was unprofessional for her to express suprise or look appalled.

WooWooOwl · 12/08/2014 18:26

The woman was rude and unprofessional. I'm actually surprised that someone who regularly works with children hasn't come across this before.

My children have their fathers surname, and I can't see why that's any more weird than them having mine considering we weren't married. Two parents, two surnames, one parent doesn't trump the other, both are equally important.

We chose for ex to give the dc his name partly because it's a nicer name, but also because I got to be pregnant, have the pleasure of being the primary parent by default, now that we have separated I get to be the one that lives with the dc, it isn't much of a concession to let the person I chose to have children with share a surname with his children.

Original poster

Bean89 · 12/08/2014 18:26

StrawberryMouse I agree! As I say, I wasn't hugely offended, it's more that I was surprised she had appeared not to come across such a situation before! She was round about early 30's so I did find it odd.

OP posts:

StrawberryMouse · 12/08/2014 18:30

And imagine if you were quite young / vulnerable / a bit sensitive! I wasn't married until after I had my first dc, I'd have felt really judged by an older woman seeming somehow appalled by my marital status like that.

Original poster

Bean89 · 12/08/2014 18:31

Also, I'm not saying that I believe getting married before having children is old fashioned, more that for someone to automatically assume this is the case is a little old fashioned.

OP posts:

GarlicAugustus · 12/08/2014 18:35

I've now decided she felt baffled and a bit judgey that you'd chosen to give your child a surname that is not your father's. Hope this balances things out a bit

ShadowStar · 12/08/2014 18:40

Regardless of whether or not she disapproves of children being born outside of marriage, I'm astounded that someone who works at baby clinics would be surprised about coming across a mother and child who've got different surnames because the parents aren't married.

It's hardly an uncommon thing to come across these days, after all. You'd think that she'd have at least heard of this before.

Pipbin · 12/08/2014 18:41

I'm shocked that anyone today would be shocked that a child is born 'out of wedlock'. It is my understanding that 50%, or there about, of children are born to in married parents.

redexpat · 12/08/2014 19:04

A little old fashioned you say?! Her problem not yours love!

redexpat · 12/08/2014 19:05

Oh blimey apologies for using the word love on an internet forum. At least it wasn't hun.

somewherewest · 12/08/2014 19:52

It seems to vary a lot from area to area. Around here (affluent London commuter belt) almost everyone I know with DC is married. And the vast majority use their DH's surname. I kept my surname on marriage, but am constantly surprised at how often people assume I must be Mrs [DH's name]. A HCP working here could be forgiven for making assumptions about surnames, because mostly you can get away with it.

Babiesbabieseverywhere · 12/08/2014 20:11

My baby has his fathers surname as we plan to get married and I will change my name so we all have the same surname. I like the idea of my family all sharing a surname.

However it is not at all necessary and very rude to comment on others surnames and marital status as though someone should be ashamed of being an unmarried parent or choosing to keep their name.

I've had a few comments along the lines of "so are you getting married then?" "When's the wedding?" And it pisses me off for so many reasons. We aren't publicly engaged but that doesn't mean we haven't discussed it and it's no ones business but ours anyway!

BuggersMuddle · 12/08/2014 22:59

Babies I hope it works out for you, I sincerely do, but while I am in the same boat as you, there are no DC. (We're engaged and a bit slack about sorting thing out having been together for ages, but there are no financial considerations ATM).

Babies change the complexion of things IMO. For the average person I'd be pressing for the marriage to take place for security for all. Vast discrepancies in wealth and earning potential would obviously impact that, but outwith those, I'd be looking for legal formalisation of the relationship.

expatinscotland · 12/08/2014 23:02

Very old-fashioned. When DS was born, I was the only one out of six mums in the room who was married to the baby's father and the midwives kept referring to DH as 'your man'.

alwaysdoinglaundry · 12/08/2014 23:08

How odd. I'm a GP, I'd say that over half of the babies registered with us don't have the same surname as their mother. She has lived a very sheltered life!

PhaedraIsMyName · 12/08/2014 23:12

Some people think its ok to have children before you are married, some do not.

Well aside from it being none of her business I don't have same surname as my son and I'm married.

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