To have a bee in my bonnet about mums estate?

[lill72]

Hi all,
This is a sensitive subject, so please go easy. But would appreciate your thoughts.

My mum sadly passed away last year. My brother, sister and I have been sorting out mums estate, which has proved challenging at many points along the way for various reasons.

The latest is what to do with mums car. My brother and sister want to sell it to my dad (my parents were divorced) My brother wanted to give it him, but we decided this was not right, so they now want to sell it to him at a bargain price. I am not happy about this.

Why? Because my dad has wanted nothing to do with mum for years. He did not attend her funeral and when I went to see him after the funeral (the first time had seen him in months as we live across the globe) he did not ask how I was, he would not talk about the subject at all. Total denial. When I said I needed his support, he said I was an adult and did not need support. Awful. I got more support from my parents in law mums partner (who paid for my flight across the world) and my aunt. Dad was anything but. I know everyone copes in their own way, but this ignoring of the situation seems extreme. I was there with my 3 year old DD, without my husband, so felt alone. Thank goodness for my marvellous friends there who were my rocks.

I also have already given dad a car of mine in the past, at a bargain price. It had been no trouble for me, but had a problem soon after dad got it. He blamed me, would not fix it and it sat in the driveway for 5 years. Yes 5 years. While he kept driving his bomb.

Now my brother and sister think I should feel sorry for him and subsidise him with a safe car. He can afford one, he chooses not to buy one.

Now my sister has offered to him at the bargain price, withot my consent, I don't now what to do. I am very unhappy they have gone against my wishes. It is not the money really, it is the principle. It just doesnt feel right and I am been bullied by my sister who sees no wrong in dad. She is living with him at the moment (long story) with her partner and 2 kids. So perhaps she feels like she owes him something. I said the could subsidise their share if they want to give something to dad. I just don't want to give this car to dad.

I don't know what to do - help!

Yanbu, he sounds like a shit dad. Your sister is unreasonable to offer him the cat without your consent.

I would email her and gently put my point across.

I have emailed my sister many times and argued my case. She just says I am holding a grudge and get over it.

My dad is a gentle, lovely, guy but regarding this issue he has been crap.

If your siblings want to give a gift from the estate without your consent then they will have to pay for it. Your dad sounds horrible and I am sure your mum wouldn't want to be giving him anything.

How much is the car worth and how much do your siblings want your Dad to pay? If it's not that much in the scheme of the estate then I would express your reservations to your Bro and Sis but then agree to the sale at a reasonable price. Not having to advertise the car and find another buyer is actually pretty valuable to the estate I'd say.

I'm sorry for the loss of your mum :(

You may have to let it go, but you can make your opinion extremely clear as you do.

I did this with MILs stuff, BIL just sort of swooped and took anything and everything that wasn't nailed down. It was really embarrassing to watch him load the van he had borrowed to empty the house her husband still lived in.

DH was left with nothing... BIL said he was only being the 'keeper' of MILs possessions, as he had a bigger house. But DH has seen nothing. He would have no momentos at all had I not been given some stuff by SFIL before BIL swooped.

Some people just have weird ideas about 'family' when someone dies.

I agree trice - I suggested this and my sister called me ridiculous. I just don't want to cause a major rift over a few thousand dollars. But I don't like the way my sister and brother have gone about it, forcing me into a situation.

It needs to be sold privately. Sod what your dsis wants. He can buy it for sale price jf he's that desperate.

Go take some photo's and put it in Autotrader. Your dsis just wants the easy option.

If you can't agree, it should go up for sale.

Do you have solicitors involved?

Thanks ghoul. Car worth about 8-9AUD. They want to give it to dad or 6k. Divided by 3 it is not much, but I have given him a car at a great price before and it was not appreciated. Mum would not have wanted dad to get anything of hers, least for a bargain. I know that much.

Nomama - oh my MIL went through a similar, terrible situation, brings out the worst in some.

My sister keeps telling me I should be more about the family. She can see no wrong in my dad, only me.

Longdistance - yes solicitors involved. So don't know whether I should ask them. Trying not to get them involved in this dispute. But may have to.

If I was in the same country as the car, I would sell it myself. This is why I sort of being forced into a situation with dad, as I cannot do much from UK. My sister says she has no time to sell privately. She just wants dad to have it.

Firstly sorry for your loss
I have worked on Probate for many years and unfortunately it is such a destructive and emotive area.

Is there a Will, if so who is named executor?

If no Will I would think the fairest and easiest way around this is the car is sold privately and money split 3 ways then your brother and sister can chose to. It your father a car from their share

• chose to buy your father a car with their share

Could you perhaps just split the difference and sell to your Dad for $7k? It would still be a good price for him but the estate wouldn't have any advertising costs etc so not a ridiculously low price from your point of view either.

It is a terrible situation to be in, but honestly? Let it go. The car may well be worth more, but only if you find a buyer, and for the sake of the additional cash, it is just not worth it.

I appreciate how you feel, but situations like this can spiral out of control and before you know it you will be NC with your whole family.

Just take a deep breath and let....it....go.

Rocket - thank you. Yes there is a will and we are all executors.

Just difficult as I am in another country. They have to do the actual work of selling. ie I could put online, yet can't do viewings etc.

What you are saying is the fairest way. Thank you for your sugestions. I only fear they may hold this against me. Well my sister anyway. I don;t have a great relationship with my brother anyway, so I don't mind about him.

the other thing is, my dad can;t pay for a few months. It all just gets messy.

Should I ask the solicitors opinion also? Just dont want to be spending more money on this?

Is it really worth the potential fallout with your sister and brother to be arguing about this ?

I am only familiar with uk law and specifically N Ireland

I would say that the role of executor is to carry out the wishes of the deceased, not their own wishes.

I would mention it to the solicitors

Floral - yes this is the conundrum.
My brother I really don't worry about as I have major issues with him anyway. So this relationship is of not so much concern.

My sister I do not want to fall out with. Equally I do not want to hold a grudge against her and my dad over this, if I do not get my opinion heard.

Thanks Rocket - I will mention.
My brother is a lawyer, so he would know. But obviously don't really want to ask him.

I don't know if it's the same in Australia, but in the UK the executor has a legal obligation to get the most they can for the estate, within reason. Your sister could be breaking the law to sell the car at a bargain rate because she feels sorry for your dad.

Despite this, I think you may be better off letting it go. It's your dad you really have a problme with (he sound awful) isn't it? Do you want that poison to spill over into the relationship with your siblings?

I'm sorry about your mum.
Your dad sounds like a shit. It's a shit thing for your siblings to do but I think it'd be best to let it go. I'm sure your mum wouldn't want any bad feeling between her children over her car.
Annoying when you're in the right but maybe better to be the bigger person.

Honestly, just let it go. If you give it to him for $6,000 you get $2,000 each; if you go for $8,000 in a private sale you get $650 more each, less advertising fees, etc.

Is this strife worth $650 (£370)? It’s a lot of hassle selling a car privately. I know you have beef with your dad over how he treated the vehicle you gave him, but ultimately it’s not you having to deal with the people turning up at your house, kicking the tyres and sucking their teeth at the price. Sorry for the loss of your Mum, but I think you're being unreasonable about this.

Thecraic - I'd just like to sell it to dad for a little more.

I know it is easy to say let it go, yet there is so many layers of emotion between mum, dad and my family tied in. It just isn't as easy as you say.

TBH I'd let him have if for the cheaper price for the sake of getting rid, & for letting them have an easy option since they are dealing with it all.

I can see why you feel annoyed though.

Surely you can let it go if you decide to though?

diddl - yes I can let it go if I decide.
I just don't know if I can.

When my stepfather died one of his sons sold the car and never brought the money into account. Not much compared to the estate (he owned his home and died there, no care home fees) and my DSis and I just let it go. Whether his brother did I don't know. Not worth making a noise over.