To have a bee in my bonnet about mums estate?

[lill72]

Hi all,
This is a sensitive subject, so please go easy. But would appreciate your thoughts.

My mum sadly passed away last year. My brother, sister and I have been sorting out mums estate, which has proved challenging at many points along the way for various reasons.

The latest is what to do with mums car. My brother and sister want to sell it to my dad (my parents were divorced) My brother wanted to give it him, but we decided this was not right, so they now want to sell it to him at a bargain price. I am not happy about this.

Why? Because my dad has wanted nothing to do with mum for years. He did not attend her funeral and when I went to see him after the funeral (the first time had seen him in months as we live across the globe) he did not ask how I was, he would not talk about the subject at all. Total denial. When I said I needed his support, he said I was an adult and did not need support. Awful. I got more support from my parents in law mums partner (who paid for my flight across the world) and my aunt. Dad was anything but. I know everyone copes in their own way, but this ignoring of the situation seems extreme. I was there with my 3 year old DD, without my husband, so felt alone. Thank goodness for my marvellous friends there who were my rocks.

I also have already given dad a car of mine in the past, at a bargain price. It had been no trouble for me, but had a problem soon after dad got it. He blamed me, would not fix it and it sat in the driveway for 5 years. Yes 5 years. While he kept driving his bomb.

Now my brother and sister think I should feel sorry for him and subsidise him with a safe car. He can afford one, he chooses not to buy one.

Now my sister has offered to him at the bargain price, withot my consent, I don't now what to do. I am very unhappy they have gone against my wishes. It is not the money really, it is the principle. It just doesnt feel right and I am been bullied by my sister who sees no wrong in dad. She is living with him at the moment (long story) with her partner and 2 kids. So perhaps she feels like she owes him something. I said the could subsidise their share if they want to give something to dad. I just don't want to give this car to dad.

I don't know what to do - help!

Diddl- I get on well with my dad .
My brother and sister don't really get on. My sister just gives in to my brother to keep peace.

My brother was not there at all for mum when she ill. Said he was too busy being a lawyer. Wrote her horrible emails and told me he was over her and her illness (from long term smoking). Two years ago he emailed my sister and said mum was dead to him already. Ie he was over her. Awful. He didn't visit at all until she got really, really ill and even then not much. Only because I told him it was serious. He kept his child away from mum and didnt invite her to his wedding as he was afraid she would interfere - even though she was in hospital at the time.

It is a lot more complicated than I can explain on here. But my feeling is, my brother doesn't deserve anything.

It just goes layer upon layer upon layer.

Well what your brother deserves isn't up to you of course.

He does sound difficult.

It sounds as if you really begrudge your dad the car so I thought that you didn't get on.
Apologies for that.

I have been the one trying to sort stuff out as easily as possible for me, admittedly while someone not there has been arguing for everything to be sold for every last cent, so I am probably projecting.

You need to let it go. Holding grudges hurts you more than it hurts the other person. Your brother wanted to give it away, they've agreed to sell it a little bit below market value, perhaps try to see that as a compromise.

Based on your posts, I don't really blame your dad for not wanting to have anything to do with your mom, frankly.

As a previous poster has already said, if you stand your ground and 'win' this battle the next contentious issue will be an even harder negotiation.
I suggest you lay out your objections clearly and unemotionally in an email to your siblings and then tell them that you are not going to argue any more. Your DM would probably rather your DF had a bargain than you 3 fall out irreparably.

I think the car issue is one you could let go of and could make yourself do that if that was the end of it all. For a few hundred ADs you could see your way past that. But, would it be the end of it, or will the jewellery be the next issue- because at that point I would understand how difficult it was?

The car is an impersonal item but jewellery is very personal, particularly between mothers and daughters. It sounds to me like you don't entirely trust your sister and that she will be honest about the jewellery.

It is such a difficult situation. It should be about your mum's estate being divided equally, according to her wishes between the three of you but your feelings about relationships in the family are affecting this. It might have been better if an independent solicitor- not your brother- had been executor, instead of all 3 of you.

Awful time and very hard situation. Could you give in on the car but say you want really specific things done about the jewellery in return?

Lulu - we do have an independant solicitor. Sorry I think I got the term executor confused with something else - I meant we all get equal say.

A major problem is that I am so far away. My brother and sister packed up the house. They packed up the stuff I asked to keep and it is being stored at dads.

It has been very difficult for me being so far away, as I have had to put all faith and trust in my brother and sister. I do not know exactly what jewellry is there, so it becomes a tricky issue and I don't 100% trust my sister. That sounds awful but it is true.

If I could be there and do more, I would happily. But I can't.

From all your comments, I have come up with a possible solution. I would like, as my brother suggested ages ago, put a value on the car. This should be divided 3 ways. They can sell to dad for what they want and the rest of the money we can do with what we want. I would happily give my share to my sister for all she has done with mum. I would rather the money in this instance go to her than dad.

Please also realise - as we were dividing up house stuff, I was the one suggesting that prints, paintings etc go back to my dad, as they were his. I am happy to give him lots of stuff, but this car is my issue.

I have also asked the solicitor where to go from here - will await a response. Not sure how my suggestion will go don with my brother, but I don't really care what he thinks. I can never do anything right in his mind anyway.

I am very upset it has been this difficult. It is so hard to have common sense with so much emotion and family issue involved.