To have a bee in my bonnet about mums estate?

[lill72]

Hi all,
This is a sensitive subject, so please go easy. But would appreciate your thoughts.

My mum sadly passed away last year. My brother, sister and I have been sorting out mums estate, which has proved challenging at many points along the way for various reasons.

The latest is what to do with mums car. My brother and sister want to sell it to my dad (my parents were divorced) My brother wanted to give it him, but we decided this was not right, so they now want to sell it to him at a bargain price. I am not happy about this.

Why? Because my dad has wanted nothing to do with mum for years. He did not attend her funeral and when I went to see him after the funeral (the first time had seen him in months as we live across the globe) he did not ask how I was, he would not talk about the subject at all. Total denial. When I said I needed his support, he said I was an adult and did not need support. Awful. I got more support from my parents in law mums partner (who paid for my flight across the world) and my aunt. Dad was anything but. I know everyone copes in their own way, but this ignoring of the situation seems extreme. I was there with my 3 year old DD, without my husband, so felt alone. Thank goodness for my marvellous friends there who were my rocks.

I also have already given dad a car of mine in the past, at a bargain price. It had been no trouble for me, but had a problem soon after dad got it. He blamed me, would not fix it and it sat in the driveway for 5 years. Yes 5 years. While he kept driving his bomb.

Now my brother and sister think I should feel sorry for him and subsidise him with a safe car. He can afford one, he chooses not to buy one.

Now my sister has offered to him at the bargain price, withot my consent, I don't now what to do. I am very unhappy they have gone against my wishes. It is not the money really, it is the principle. It just doesnt feel right and I am been bullied by my sister who sees no wrong in dad. She is living with him at the moment (long story) with her partner and 2 kids. So perhaps she feels like she owes him something. I said the could subsidise their share if they want to give something to dad. I just don't want to give this car to dad.

I don't know what to do - help!

Try to let it go. It's just a car. I tied myself in knots dealing with mum's stuff. One day, I realised, it's just stuff. I'm sentimental about her reading glasses, and her number in my phone. The rest was surprisingly easy to let go.

Sorry about your mum. X

sorry for your loss xx

its just a car but your seeing it as a principle and a point to make i think your going to have to let this one go (just make sure they dont do it with anything else!)

Could you perhaps agree with your brothers and sisters that you get something else from the estate in exchange for not agreeing to taking the loss on the value of the car? Perhaps some additional pieces of jewellery, or a $1-2k cash from the other proceeds of the estate? If they want to sell as at a reduced rate to their father, that is their choice, but you should not be financially penalised for their decision.

Midnite - yes that is a very good idea. We cannot now ask dad for more. So this may be a way to do it. You also reminded me that we have not yet valued and itemised the jewellry thank you

Lill, I understand why you feel the way that you do but remember what you're dealing with here: a car.

I agree in principle with other posters who've said that you shouldn't penalised financially but assuming your siblings and you have a good relationship, you shouldn't let this come between you. Honestly, I'd let it go with the proviso that this won't happen with anything else.

Your family have all behaved appallingly

Having control of what happens to the car seems very important. I can understand that when you are so far away. There must be so much distance you feel.

Rather than viewing it as your Dad winning if he gets it now...

Can you think of it as you keeping peace with your siblings when you must need it most.

LILL72. just let it go .my mum died and left me her house .on the pretext that i let my stepfather live there until he died .if he chose to leave .i was to sell it and split the proceeds with him ..i remortgaged my home to pay of my darling mothers mortgage .and then about 6 weeks later he decided he wanted to sell .i lost thousands because of fees and things .when all sold we only got about £20000 each not much .my husband was livid .he wanted me to never talk to my step father again .but i rose above it .because if you don,t it will only cause more heartache .let him have it .its only a bit of metal .

Do you know what?i totally see where you are coming from however

1- the car needs selling
2- your dad needs a car
3- it will cost you money to advertise the car and the hassle that involves, people viewing etc etc
4- selling it to your dad would be the easiest option all around,

Try to take the emotion out of this

It isn;t about the car.

It is the emotion around giving this particular item to dad.

Other things of the estate I have freely given to dad, as mum actually left him and took what she wanted at the time, when dad was not home. So prints etc, we gave back to him, as they are rightfully his really.

The car is not.

Also note....
My sisters partner has been driving the car since Jan, upping mileage etc, devaluing car.

-my sister told me the other day that if I make dad ay more than they have asked, I am 'taking money from my dad'

-My sister, partner and 2 kids have been living with dad for over a year now, paying very cheap rent. They moved to take care of mum in hospital. Dad cooks their meals, does cleaning and is not there for 6 months, so they have a great deal! Sisters partner is a builder so has done lots of jobs for dad. They are no getting a free ride, but certainly a good deal.

-The relationship with my brother is already fractured. He did not invite myself, my mum, or my sister to his wedding which was awful. He also has been a right pain and bully with this whole estate as he is a lawyer and has thought he knows best with everything we do. he wrote laywer arguements every time I disagreed with something until he won the case so to speak. I don't care if I annoy him - he has annoyed me so much already.

-I have already given dad my car at a bargain price 5 years ago and there was no appreciation, or thanks. I just will not do it again.

So, you see it really has nothing to do with the car.

Aprilanne - I am really sorry this happened to you. That is awful.

It is just by keeping the peace with them means I will not really feel peace with myself about the situation. Ahhhh it is doing my head in.

Am now worried - all the jewellery has not been itemised and valued as yet. My sister has it all. I am worried she will not give me access to all of this. I have also trusted her that she has stored all the stuff i asked for. It is so hard being so far away as I have no control over anything.

If your siblings want to give a gift to your DF they do it out of their share of proceeds. Keep it clear and simple.

I'm not saying your family is right but in this instance I think you should just go along with what your family want. Is it such a big deal. It's hardly worth quibbling over this amount in the circumstances. And if yo do sell it a dealer will take his cut or a private buyer will expect a bargain. I don't think it's worth making a stand on this one.

I think you are making a stand for no good reason. I think you are taking things up from the past. If you continue to do make a stand you will risk further distance from all your family. Yes you might win the case but at what cost?

Make today the first day in a new approach, new start, new you, se what happens. At worst your relationships stay the same, I know what I would do

So your sister lives with your dad because that's how she could look after your mum?

Your mum left your dad & you wonder why he didn't go to the funeral?

Your brother & sister both get on with your dad & each other?

You don't get on with your brother or dad & are probably about to lose your sister if not careful?

Reading things like this make me really hope to die penniless if this is the fallout- I only hope my children have some commen sense.

As I said earlier in the thread, let it go. You will become increasingly bitter and twisted over a few hundred dollars- really? Dredging up he said she said from the past is a waste of energy, it just fuels your sense of injustice. No, it might not be fair, but then life sometimes ain't.

Let your dad have the car, see it as a gift that your mother enabled you to make. This is not hard earned money, worked for, it is something you have been gifted, so be the bigger person, let your siblings know that this would not have been your choice but that you will support them.

Then get in with your life with no hard feelings between the family and remember it is only money.

So your mum basically had the pick of furniture and goods before she left your dad? Presumably he had to replace those items at his own cost. Giving him a good price on the car redresses the balance somewhat.

Your sister cared for your mum as she was ill and is still helping divvy up her estate. Your brother is doing the bulk of the work in this regard- ok, he sounds a bit odd in other respects. But to be fair, due to the circumstances and geography they're doing a lot of the work here. From your posts, all you're doing (sorry to be blunt) is making pronouncements about how much you think they should sell a car for, but can't do anything practical in actually helping to resolve this.

If you can't get your sister on side then you need to decide what's more important- the car issue or the jewellery. Because if you make a big deal over this and there's any issue with the personal belongings then you're going to be snookered.

It must be awful for them to be dealing with stuff & you making it harder from them from afar, OP.

I've done divorce work and it's never very happy.

But inheritance disputes are worse. People who are family, often siblings who were children together, quarrelling over bits and bobs after a death - horrible.

Please, OP, walk away.

Get the market price of the car and state that you require your third of that price - if they wish to gift their father their proportion of the car or receive a lower sum from him that bit is up to them

As you say, it's not the money, it's the principle.

Let it go.

Let your brother and sister sell your dad the car. It's just a bloody car.

Move on and try to forget this. It really isn't worth too much thought.

This has the potential to be awful, especially now jewellery is involved as well.

I would have been tempted to say get over the car but I can see the jewellery could then also cause a problem if it is not done fairly.

However, they are there in Australia and you aren't and that in itself makes it ever more difficult. Unless you are there, will you trust any itemisation of the jewellery?

My mum died this year and I am an only child so had responsibility for everything. I would have hated to feel someone was going through her things on the other side of the world without me being there - she had lots of jewellery (not hugely valuable but pretty and sentimental) and I wear pieces every day and think of her every day when I do.

My DH and I are currently dealing with the probates of my DM and his DF. There are overseas siblings. This is a really difficult time emotionally for all of you. But being the at-the-scene executors is just so much work. Please let this go, the money difference is not huge. Your dad having the car is not only a nice thing for him (and I understand why you begrudge it) but it is one less task for your sister. I sometimes feel I am drowning in admin.

It's very emotional dealing with a deceased parent's belongings.

I am older now and weirdly no one in the family give a monkeys about what everyone has or hasn't. In fact now we are retired and down sizing the things which were once soooooo important and 'valuable' are being sold off and given away. But for some reason there was so much anger and angst about dealing with who got what at the time of my DM's death.

In the end you can't take it with you and you are left with memories which are worth much more.

Don't fall out with your siblings over this. Let it go. Life is too short.

Diddl - be careful what you say please. you have no idea how difficult and awful my family have been to me - my brother particularly. I could send you some of his emails and you might think very differently.