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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

More children

64 replies

Sazorchard31 · 12/08/2014 09:58

I am very lucky to have an amazing 4yr old daughter but I want a second child. My husband does not. This is a big issue for me, as soon as I had my daughter I couldn't wait to have another. Husband always said when we have a bigger house, when you get a promotion, when daughter starts school etc etc so I've always had hope. Those hopes were ripped away from me last night when husband declared he does not want a second child. He likes life as it us and doesn't want to start all the baby stuff again. Plus he is scared of disrupting our family dynamic and is scared of something going wrong (not an unreasonable fear given what some of our friends have been through). I understand his thoughts but I am heartbroken. I don't know what to do??? Anyone else had this problem and how did you cope and keep your marriage together?

OP posts:

Thebodyloveschocolateandwine · 12/08/2014 10:06

Oh dear that's difficult.

Can ask how old are you?

Original poster

Sazorchard31 · 12/08/2014 10:13

I'm almost 32. Plenty of time I know but I don't think he'll ever change his mind!

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Mouthfulofquiz · 12/08/2014 11:11

I think he is being unreasonable actually. I have found that having another baby isn't actually twice the work and it would probably be less stressful that he thinks it would be.

fluffyraggies · 12/08/2014 11:16

He's given lots of reasons - but i'm wondering what the main one is. There usually is one main one when someone gives you a long list of reasons for their feelings. Do you know what it is OP?

Is it money?

Changing the dymanic was something which worried me when i went for no.2. The dynamic does change, but for the better i think. (i now have 4 DCs :))

karron · 12/08/2014 11:17

Does he have any friends with 2 you could ask him to talk to about it? I found that the arrival of number two was not as shocking/life changing as the arrival of the first. Most people I know found this irrespective of the age gap between the babies.

Original poster

Sazorchard31 · 12/08/2014 11:34

I think he is scared of something going wrong. Our daughter was seriously ill at 2 wks old with group b strep (fortunately fully recovered), that scared us massively. In addition we have friends who had a still born baby and others with disabilities. I understand these fears. He doesn't want to upset the perfect situation we currently have. I question whether I'm being greedy wanting a second??

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MrsWinnibago · 12/08/2014 11:36

I had this issue. It was "solved" when I had an accidental pregnancy. I WAS accidental too. Our condom broke. We have two DDs now and once DD2 was on the way DH realised it was a good thing.

Original poster

Sazorchard31 · 12/08/2014 11:41

In addition we've got our life back a lot now that daughter is 4. When we married the only advice the vicar gave us was to never ever let children come between our marriage, we were marrying because we loved one another and not to have children. Hub not religious but really took this advice, it is true in is many ways. Another baby now would mean less time for one another, which we hardly have any of anyway! He wants us to concentrate on us.

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wheresthelight · 12/08/2014 11:42

I guess the question you need to ask yourself is which is more important a second child or keeping your exoexisting family together.

If a not having a second chikd would lead you to resent him later then do you need to consider parting and moving on?

wheresthelight · 12/08/2014 11:43

I guess the question you need to ask yourself is which is more important a second child or keeping your exoexisting family together.

If a not having a second chikd would lead you to resent him later then do you need to consider parting and moving on?

Original poster

Sazorchard31 · 12/08/2014 11:45

I will resent him and I've told him that. He's broken my heart. But I cannot break up an otherwise amazing marriage for this, our marriage is more important and we are fortunate to have a dd already. He said he'd resent me if we had a second and it wasn't as perfect as dd! He worships her!!

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firesidechat · 12/08/2014 11:47

Did you discuss how many children you both wanted before getting married? Did you agree on a number or a vague "we don't want an only child"?

This is a general comment and not aimed at you Savorchard, but I'm always surprised by the number of couples on here who don't seem to have had this conversation.

It's one of a number of important things that, in my opinion, need to be talked about before making a commitment to each other. Attitudes to money is another crucial one. (Sorry, that sounds like a lecture written down, but I don't mean it to).

I don't have much advice to give, but it is a sad situation and you have my sympathies.

Original poster

Sazorchard31 · 12/08/2014 11:50

We discussed having children. Tbh I've no idea whether we discussed plural, it was a conversation several years ago. Hub didn't know he would feel this way after having one. So I feel like he has totally led me on.

OP posts:

firesidechat · 12/08/2014 11:57

But if neither of you actually said that you wanted more than one child, then I can't see that he has lead you on.

firesidechat · 12/08/2014 11:57

Led not lead.

HelloLA · 12/08/2014 11:59

There's no easy answer when one of you wants a second and the other doesn't. It does sound a bit suffocating for your daughter to be the perfect, 'worshipped' child, though, especially in your DH's eyes, if that's how the current family dynamic runs. It's quite a lot of pressure to grow up with that on your shoulders. And I say that as a parent of one, with no plans to have more!

Original poster

Sazorchard31 · 12/08/2014 12:00

He always suggested we could have another that is what upsets me the most. Tried to use money as an excuse last night and the difficulty of drop off and pick ups and school and nursery being too hard to deal with. This is an awful excuse, we both have excellent jobs and if he pulled his weight with childcare ( ie did a drop off) we would manage just fine

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Original poster

Sazorchard31 · 12/08/2014 12:02

Hellola was having one your decision or one made for you due to other reasons?

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firesidechat · 12/08/2014 12:03

I do agree with others on here that the jump from one child to two isn't that great. If anything it makes things easier after the first few months because they are company for each other and it is lovely to see them interacting with each other.

Perhaps I ought to add that mine were quite close in age and always got on well together, so I may have had a lucky escape.

I don't suppose that it will convince your husband though.

BarbarianMum · 12/08/2014 12:03

I used to think like this but now I believe that the only converstation worth having is whether you want children at all or not. Beyond that, the experience of having a child affects people in different ways. You can't hold someone to something they 'agreed to' years ago, if their feelings have changed.

Dh and I agreed 2 or 3 children. Now it comes to it, he no longer wants a third. I am working hard to accept this. I was very certain about not wanting an only child pre children. Doesn't mean I couldn't change my mind if I'd had a difficult birth, or found parenting harder than I'd originally envisaged.

firesidechat · 12/08/2014 12:12

I agree about being flexible.

Before we got married we agreed on 3 children. We were both one of three and I think this had a big influence on our decision. As it happened neither of us got broody after the first two and the third child idea was quietly abandoned. However if my husband had wanted a third I would probably have agreed to it.

The problem is lots of people have strong feelings about whether they have an only child or not. We definitely didn't want only one, but not having a third wasn't such a big deal.

Original poster

Sazorchard31 · 12/08/2014 12:34

I think an only child vs 2 is different to 2 vs 3. I desperately want dd to have a sibling. Hub suggested we get her a cat.
I'm really struggling with this :(

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travelswithtea · 12/08/2014 12:42

I think money is important, as it can ruin both the marriage and possibilities for dc. We live in an era and society where we can actively choose to have children if we want and parenthood isn't forced upon us because of lack of contraception or because we need children to go out and earn or because they are likely to die before they hit puberty and we need to hedge our bets. It is understandable that some people will choose not to have even one child! I sympathise with your dp's choice, if he feels his life as he know it (and his dc's life as he foresees it) will be threatened.
SIL wanted more children BIL did not and then they had a 'slip' (most likely SIL did it on purpose, although she has never admitted it (and I've never asked), but I am almost 100% sure she planned it), and now their whole relationship has turned sour. BIL loves both his dc, but whenever anything goes wrong or there is no money for something etc he always says 'I told you I didn't want more than one' or 'You said nothing would really be different/everything will be better once we had two'. They fight constantly about big and small things, and I think they are just not happy in their family anymore. Don't know if they will stay together or split up but I think it is worse forcing someone to have a second if they don't want to, than forcing someone not to.
Who knows, maybe in four or five or six years your dp will want another child, and have forgotten all the 'baby' hassles! It's a tough decision for you, but IMO you should wait it out and respect his feelings, and maybe raise the subject again in a year or two.
(For what it is worth, I want another asap (dc still less than 1yr old) just to get it all over and done with before I get too used to our life with only one, and before I start weighing up the hassles of multiple children, money, pregnancy, birth, university fees, holidays, independence etc and rationally decide we should probably just stick with one! :) Luckily dp is on board. Cross your fingers it happens soon!)

Original poster

Sazorchard31 · 12/08/2014 12:50

Thanks. I don't want to force him and have him hate me. He does want dd to have everything all opportunities available to her and thinks she won't if we had another child. We have a good income and yes an expensive mortgage but money would be ok which is why I don't think it's an issue. Hub still wants nice holidays and nice things, and to get a new roof, new rendering, etc etc but these should not be the priority over expanding our family!!
I've waited it out for so long already, if I wait any longer I worry my desire will fade and he would be harder to persuade the older dd gets. I'm so angry

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Original poster

Sazorchard31 · 12/08/2014 12:51

But I do not want to lose what we have together and end up blaming everything on a child

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