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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

More children

64 replies

Sazorchard31 · 12/08/2014 09:58

I am very lucky to have an amazing 4yr old daughter but I want a second child. My husband does not. This is a big issue for me, as soon as I had my daughter I couldn't wait to have another. Husband always said when we have a bigger house, when you get a promotion, when daughter starts school etc etc so I've always had hope. Those hopes were ripped away from me last night when husband declared he does not want a second child. He likes life as it us and doesn't want to start all the baby stuff again. Plus he is scared of disrupting our family dynamic and is scared of something going wrong (not an unreasonable fear given what some of our friends have been through). I understand his thoughts but I am heartbroken. I don't know what to do??? Anyone else had this problem and how did you cope and keep your marriage together?

OP posts:

Rebecca2014 · 12/08/2014 13:01

I am in the same situation.

In my head I planned that when my daughter is 7 and after I finished my nursing degree I would have another child, but I know that will have a huge knock on effect on our marriage. My husband is not good with babies/toddlers, he doesn't enjoy going to the park or soft play. The financial pressure will be back again.

I really do not know what to advise you but maybe coming to peace with the fact your daughter may be an only is the start.

hateweddings · 12/08/2014 13:10

OP - I am in exactly the same situation (one DD, three years old). Had the conversation a couple of years ago and he said he didn't want anymore and it broke my heart. I consoled myself thinking he might change his mind with time but as we are getting further away from baby/toddlerhood it is feeling less and less likely :(
No advice, just company.

Andrewofgg · 12/08/2014 13:11

Regardless of gender and of course barring accident: Don't want trumps I want. A child should be the result of both parents' wish for one: or as the case may be another one.

morethanpotatoprints · 12/08/2014 13:16

His fears are normal many people have them, perhaps you can talk through his fears with him in a positive way that helps him to realise that many are unfounded.
He sounds quite selfish as he seems to be just thinking of how he feels.
insist that whilst its a joint decision you should listen to each others view, talk about pros and cons of having an only child.
Childcare costs are expensive for 2 and you will probably have these until your youngest reaches 11 years old. That's a lot of childcare expense.

merce · 12/08/2014 13:18

I have a friend who was in exactly your situation. In the end, they went for some couples therapy to work through it. Her DH didn't want another child as it was his second marriage and he already had older children from his first marriage. Apparently it was very useful, although the decision in the end was that they would NOT have another child. My friend had been really cut up about it, but the therapy helped her to accept his decision without resentment and they are still very happily married (child now 27!).

DaisyFlowerChain · 12/08/2014 13:21

Why do his wants have to take a back seat though to yours? Your posts are all about what you want and make his views sound selfish.

Even if you win, there's no guarantee siblings will get on. Many don't and will constantly bicker and fight. Having another is because you want it, not the other child.

trufflehunterthebadger · 12/08/2014 13:48

Hub still wants nice holidays and nice things, and to get a new roof, new rendering, etc etc but these should not be the priority over expanding our family!!

In your opinion. I think it would be selfish of you to force your DH to have more children, give up his comfortable lifestyle just so you can satisfy your desire for more children.

You say DH changed his mind about how many children he wanted - this is what happens, you discover parenthood is much harder than you thought and you reset your priorities

Original poster

Sazorchard31 · 12/08/2014 15:18

Whilst I am making him sound selfish that is because he is...he openly says he wants to be selfish about it and whilst he listens to my view he only does what he wants and me talking makes no difference. I do not want to force him (slim chance anyway!) as he'll resent me and I do not want that.

We discussed about a sibling being nice for our daughter, he said he didn't care if they got on or not. I was using that as a sales point as my feelings were of zero importance to him. It didn't work!

If I'm honest we had problems with regards to my home work load vs his after I went back to work and after 2 yrs of me resenting him for his lack of support I've just gotten over it and realised he won't help at home and get on with it. We both work equally demanding ft jobs so it should have all been split.

Guess I need to work out whether this decision will break our marriage. I love him dearly, and can't imagine my life without him but I can't live with someone I'll resent.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sazorchard31 · 12/08/2014 15:21

I do appreciate his views, I think them too sometimes but then get myself upset at the thought of not having another baby. I keep doing things to distract myself (half marathons!), maybe I need to consider a marathon instead!! :)

OP posts:

BrokenCircleBreakdown · 12/08/2014 15:41

You deserve better than this OP-he strung you along about having another child-you both work full timebut he refuses to do any housework-he sounds deeply unpleassnt

BarbarianMum · 12/08/2014 15:42

The more you post about your dh the more I think you should have a second baby with someone else .

Whilst I do understand a person not wanting a second baby he just sounds selfish. Won't help round the house, doesn't much care for you. You resent him now, how much more are you going to resent him as the years go on?

Thebodyloveschocolateandwine · 12/08/2014 15:49

It's. Big jump to suggest the op has a second baby with someone else.

Op I do really sympathise with you but you are the one who wants the change so really it's not selfish of your dh to want the status quo.

Put it this way, is your desire so strong that you would leave him and change all your worlds to have a mythical child with a yet to meet perfect man?

Thebodyloveschocolateandwine · 12/08/2014 15:51

Also you will be left doing even more work than you are now.

TheresLotsOfFarmyardAnimals · 12/08/2014 15:53

We're the other way around.

I just feel contented at one and have no desire to have another. When you feel that way you can think of a thousand and one reasons to not have any more;

financial
childbirth
pregnancy
newborn phase year
family dynamic

The main point though is that he doesn't want any more and it would be horrid to be an unwanted child.

DH would like more though but we don't discuss it at the moment as right now it isn't an option financially.

BarbarianMum · 12/08/2014 15:53

< but you are the one who wants the change >

Which change is that? The one where she wants him to pull his weight in the home, or the one where she wants him to at least empathise with how she feels?

Original poster

Sazorchard31 · 12/08/2014 15:55

I couldn't leave him, whilst the thought has crossed my mind (I'd be lying if I said I hadn't thought it!). Going back to what the vicar said, it is completely true and at the time I thought "what does he know he's not married has no kids" but I see that I need to put our relationship first and my desire for a second baby behind that.

Thnx for letting me vent guys!!!

OP posts:

meadowquark · 12/08/2014 15:55

To be honest my 2 DC entertain each other so much that it is much easier on "family dynamics" than having child. The firstborn was constantly asking for attention before we had the second one. Now they are a "gang". So your husband is a tiny bit wrong in his perception.

Original poster

Sazorchard31 · 12/08/2014 15:59

Farmyard animals.... He does come up with every reason under the sun! How is your dh about your decision? What impact is it having on your relationship?

OP posts:

TheresLotsOfFarmyardAnimals · 12/08/2014 16:03

Our relationship is good but DS is only 2 and although he knows my feelings are pretty strong on this (I've given away all the baby stuff etc) I think he still holds out hope that I'll change my mind.

I had the contraceptive implant put in a few months ago and we said we'd discuss it again when it's due to be renewed in a few years.

Thebodyloveschocolateandwine · 12/08/2014 16:04

Pulling his weight in the house is a totally seperated issue to not wanting another child.

Of course he should help that's an obligation however it is surely his right to not want another child.

You can't force that on another person.

But it's a difficult situation op.

Thebodyloveschocolateandwine · 12/08/2014 16:07

Look op I know this sounds utterly ridiculous but could you get a puppy/kitten?

Don't flame me and of course it's not a baby but when my kids got to the leaving home/ own thing stage I got a kitten and it did help having a new thing to cuddle/pet.

Original poster

Sazorchard31 · 12/08/2014 16:11

Ha tblcw...the suggestion last night was to get a cat!! :)

OP posts:

firesidechat · 12/08/2014 16:14

She has a child already. I don't think a pet is going to cure this.

Original poster

Sazorchard31 · 12/08/2014 16:16

Perhaps I just need to get over it. I have one child which is more than some and she is perfectly healthy and we had no issues getting to that point. Anything more is a dream. But I am extremely lucky already.
I also need to book an expensive holiday that we couldn't afford if paying another £800 of childcare a month!!!

OP posts:

Original poster

Sazorchard31 · 12/08/2014 16:17

OP posts:

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