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AIBU?

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Original poster

More children

64 replies

Sazorchard31 · 12/08/2014 09:58

I am very lucky to have an amazing 4yr old daughter but I want a second child. My husband does not. This is a big issue for me, as soon as I had my daughter I couldn't wait to have another. Husband always said when we have a bigger house, when you get a promotion, when daughter starts school etc etc so I've always had hope. Those hopes were ripped away from me last night when husband declared he does not want a second child. He likes life as it us and doesn't want to start all the baby stuff again. Plus he is scared of disrupting our family dynamic and is scared of something going wrong (not an unreasonable fear given what some of our friends have been through). I understand his thoughts but I am heartbroken. I don't know what to do??? Anyone else had this problem and how did you cope and keep your marriage together?

OP posts:
angeltattoo · 12/08/2014 16:22

You both work FT but he doesn't do his half of housework? How? Why does he get to decide to not contribute to the workload of your homelife?

He doesn't care about your feelings, doesn't mind being selfish, doesn't give a shit about you at all.

DD is perfect - as long as she stays in line like you poor child better not go getting a mind or opinions of her own when as she grows.

An imperfect child would be your fault.

And you want DD to have a sibling, and he suggested a cat? A fucking cat? How dare he?

You say your relationship is otherwise perfect, but only while you put your own needs way behind his. Like he does. You've sucked up doing all the house drudge, had your feelings belittled and can say you could never leave him.

I'll be blunt - he sounds like a cunt. That's how angry I am on your behalf OP Hmm

angeltattoo · 12/08/2014 16:22

You both work FT but he doesn't do his half of housework? How? Why does he get to decide to not contribute to the workload of your homelife?

He doesn't care about your feelings, doesn't mind being selfish, doesn't give a shit about you at all.

DD is perfect - as long as she stays in line like you poor child better not go getting a mind or opinions of her own when as she grows.

An imperfect child would be your fault.

And you want DD to have a sibling, and he suggested a cat? A fucking cat? How dare he?

You say your relationship is otherwise perfect, but only while you put your own needs way behind his. Like he does. You've sucked up doing all the house drudge, had your feelings belittled and can say you could never leave him.

I'll be blunt - he sounds like a cunt. That's how angry I am on your behalf OP Hmm

angeltattoo · 12/08/2014 16:25

BTW, I don't mean to imply that he's wrong about the child issue and you're right; you desire for another doesn't trump his desire to remain a one child family.

But his attitude to it is way off. You don't matter. You opinion don't matter. He matters.

If this were my DH and I, we'd talk. We'd listen to and respect the opinion of the other. We'd agree an answer (normally we'd compromise, if it was possible). We might not agree, but we'd feel loved and important.

angeltattoo · 12/08/2014 16:26

BTW, I don't mean to imply that he's wrong about the child issue and you're right; you desire for another doesn't trump his desire to remain a one child family.

But his attitude to it is way off. You don't matter. You opinion don't matter. He matters.

If this were my DH and I, we'd talk. We'd listen to and respect the opinion of the other. We'd agree an answer (normally we'd compromise, if it was possible). We might not agree, but we'd feel loved and important.

BrokenCircleBreakdown · 12/08/2014 16:30

Well I couldn't "get over it". The desire just got more intense, it tore me apart. So I left the man I thought I adored, who I now see for what he was, which was a selfish sexist gink, dusted myself down and met a wonderful man. Having 2 more children has been the making of me and us as a couple-and despite being a SAHM DP does plenty of housework.

I am saddened that you accept his refusal to pitch in at home-a good man wouldn't behave like that IMO

BrokenCircleBreakdown · 12/08/2014 16:33

he sounds like a cunt. That's how angry I am on your behalf

YY angel

Original poster
Sazorchard31 · 12/08/2014 16:38

He does do some stuff at home but I do all cooking and cleaning, washing etc and majority of childcare. I refuse to touch the garden, the cars or deal with the bills so the split is ok. Yes I def do more than him but I live with it, the bickering wasn't worth it! He's not a cunt but guess I haven't painted him in his best light. He does care but he can be a bully with regards to getting what he wants. Knows his own mind a lot like the 4tr old!

OP posts:
MrsAtticus · 12/08/2014 16:39

I had this with DH, it made me crazy. I wouldn't recommend it but I basically nagged and nagged until he reluctantly agreed to stop using contraception. He wasn't happy really right up until DS was born, then he fell in love Smile, now he says he knows it was the right thing, and we are planning the next one.

So it's a happy ending but not sure I'd recommend it.

Thebodyloveschocolateandwine · 12/08/2014 16:46

I think a cunt is. But strong and not what the op thinks either.

You certainly need to sort out division of labour but at 32 you are still young. My last baby was born when I was 36 and there were far older than me.

Look op make the most of what you have now, enjoy your dd and you never know what the future will bring.

Btw get the kitten anyway. They are fun. Grin especially if you make him do the litter tray.

firesidechat · 12/08/2014 16:50

He does do some stuff at home but I do all cooking and cleaning, washing etc and majority of childcare. I refuse to touch the garden, the cars or deal with the bills so the split is ok.

We have that kind of split in our marriage, but I don't work and have no young children. I don't see that as a fair split in your circumstances.

The drudgery of household chores is every day, but cars, garden and bills (direct debit anyone) are occasional. That doesn't seem right to me.

I've changed my mind a bit and not sure another child with your husband is a great idea.

I know a couple with grown up children. He pretty much sulked around for 18 years while the children were growing up and only became a reasonable human being again once he had his wife to himself. I also know a woman who was the same, so not just fathers acting like this. It sounds like your husband doesn't like sharing.

angeltattoo · 12/08/2014 16:55

I'm sure the OP does think otherwise. She loves him afterall Smile

But OP, you deserve to have your opinion heard, acknowledged and respected. With regards to housework and how many children you want. By your husband, with whom you should be equal partners. In all things.

Thebodyloveschocolateandwine · 12/08/2014 16:55

Yes fireside think you make good points there

Lizardc · 12/08/2014 17:00

Maybe you need to consider counselling together about this? You obviously both feel so strongly and it's such an emotional area. I really feel for you as I never only wanted 1 and would have been gutted if that had been forced on me. His fear of something going wrong is a little understandable, but statistically irrational as the chances really are pretty small...

Original poster
Sazorchard31 · 13/08/2014 10:46

Statistically small yes but when you've seen friends go through a still birth, and another with genetic problems (2 of the 4 couples in our circle of friends) it suddenly doesn't seem a small possibility.

I'm feeling it so hard to give silent treatment at home but I don't know how else to deal with it. Tempted to run off to my mums for the wknd but that won't help us

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